dave s Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 I feel that my life has become a slow motion picture show.......and the rest of the world is spinning around me and I cant catch up........people are looking oddly at me, it is almost like they are saying or whispering to each other " What is wrong with Dave? Wow he must have some issues?" Actually no one has said this to me.....but from their expressions I wonder......and I wonder right now what is occuring with me....yes I know I have issues that I never dreamnt of.........my life as I knew is over...... It has only been over 5 months since this new chapter, in my life began......I feel that i have accomplished alot of positives for myself.......work, house renovations.....attempting to get the yard back in shape.....but feel now that I am stuck......stuck in a holding pattern ......at least for the past week, of not being able to move forward......but thankfully am realizing that I am not moving back, at least to far.....am realizing that I am in a depression.....the numbness of what has happened to me this year...is wearing off........and the reality of being on my own, as we all know is hitting me. I am well aware that Mike is around me....I still take great comfort in my Psychic experience...it brought me such peace....in a great sense.......but it wasnt enough as I prepare to rebuild my life and correct the areas that I know now are not healthy for me. I am not talking about my cigaretTe intake....I am talking about the demands....that are placed on me......a draining career, a draining family, a draining lifestyle......ALL, at that I choose at one time, but it is exhausting to care for all I have......PLEASE everyone keep in mind I am so GRATEFULL for what I have..........but I need to find a proper balance......except for the career as a RN, after 20 yrs Enough!!!! Caring for others has drained me completely dry........and I find that I really......have grown to hate my job.............it is not healthy....For ME!! With all I have just said......I guess right now...am looking for some advice,encouragement just to take it slow and easy. I know what I need to do in my life to take care of myself........I feel so overwhelmed right now......how do I come up with a plan.....a plan to maintain what I have.....not talking about what i have......in a material sense, for I have learned I dont give a @#$% about that.......anymore, but how do I care for myself.......find the proper balance between having family,friends,animals gardening, and a whole lot of other things. things that I use to think....brought me joy....and build my new life and pursue my dreams? And how do I figure...WHAT ARE MY DREAMS ANYMORE????? THEY WERE ROBBED FROM ME!!! Anyhow feeling really discouraged right now.........how did this happen? ........I guess right now I am really confused.......guess yes I am slipping back into a funk..... Well enough said! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dave, I feel everything that you're saying and yes we've all felt that way at different times. If you hate your career, think about what you WOULD like to do and focus on making that happen. Perhaps something totally different would infuse you in some way. Right now, drained or otherwise, I just want a job making enough to keep myself afloat and I feel with 42 years experience I shouldn't HAVE to go find some other line of work at my age! I feel angry that our country has robbed people of the means to support themselves. I'm not talking getting rich, I'm talking a roof over our heads, heat, food, medical, basic needs! Do you have any vacation time coming? It might help if you could get a week or two off. Is there something in particular (besides job) that is draining you? Your dad? Is there someone else that could share the load? You're right, we can't be all things to all people all of the time. 5-7 months out is a hard time, it becomes more real about that time. Don't worry about what other people are thinking, that's a waste of energy, you may or may not be right, but what does it matter what they think when they haven't been there?! It is what it is, it is YOUR experience, not theirs, and it's YOU that matters! I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight and you can get some relief soon. You're in my thoughts... Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dave Where you are now is the period where it can all feel like it is going downhill. Reality and shock wearing off seem to let despair and hopelessness take hold in a big way all over again. My best advice is to just stop being and doing...take a step back from being there for everyone else and from doing things in a whirlwind panic. You don't have to have a PLAN right now and you don't need to be 'moving forward'. Do what feels right for you and nothing else. Adjusting to this huge loss in your life is enormous and it's not reasonable to expect that you can take it all in just because you think you should. Give yourself permission to have a break and see where it takes you. At 2 years, I still don't know what the future is but I'm comfortable now about waiting to find out. That's what time does - it let's us adjust to a new state of being (but I can't say it makes living it any easier - just less raw)....Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Hello Dave, During the first year is the roughest from the experience expressed in my grief support group and fellow grieving spouses, some will say it's get harder but we are all different...what has worked for me is learning to love Ruth in a new way...based on your Psychic sharing it seems you understand and believe in afterlife much as I do...you also mention feeling his presence, I also have experienced the same during the past 20 months and have learned to love Ruth in a new way...I would continue to take it slow and don't rush things the first year, and take the feelings of his presence to guide you... let yourself find some new things and learn some about yourself first, I made list at first of goals I needed to do and I always keep thinking Ruth would be so sad to see me waisting away in grief....I took it slow and used her presence to drive me, feeling her with me as I did even the simplest chores allowed me to conquer tasks and start to find the new me a me without my spouse, I work the list as I can some days allowing myself to say it's OK today if I just want to cry but find something positive to conquer...let your heart guide you and you will find your way is what I found...I also add... I am very blessed as I have found someone to travel this journey with me, she lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and we share much of our grieving but yet have found a new Love and Companionship, I tell you this only to let you know we can Love again if we so choose, it may not be for everyone but for us it's a continuation of our lives and a new exciting change for our journey...the only caution to that aspect is one of us will have to grieve once again, but I myself find it worth the love shared while here so I'm willing to face it again .... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dave, I do not think we really move backwards in our grief. I think that it is just another wave that has crashed down on you. I agree, take that step back and focus on Dave. It really doesn't matter what other people say or think. Your life is yours, not theirs. If being a RN is getting to you, you are the one that told me to look outside, like hospice, but I think for you at this time in your life, that would be very difficult to take on. I know about a demanding job. My work was very demanding, because if we did not ship the products out the door, we did not make the money, so it was my job to make sure we shipped at a minimum of $25,000 a day. That equals to around 750,000 pieces of product a day. My average was over 1,000,000 a day. I knew, my job and all the men that worked under me. Then I came home and took care of Pauline, cleaning the house, cooking, laundry. Everything she used to be able to do. I was lucky to get 4 hours a sleep a day. It took extreme focus for many years, about 12 at lest, maybe more. Take a step back and re-examine what you want in this new life. That is what I did, that's why I want a new career in nursing. I got so much joy out of helping other people. I have all my life. I really believe I should have taken this step years ago. But I put Pauline first and foremost in my life, so I staid at that job until she needed me full time. There is nothing I have told you that you don't already know, so just ride the wave, go easy on Dave. You will come to the calm water again, until the next wave hits. Try to find some fun this weekend, and laugh your ass off. Laughter is the best medicine we have. God Bless, and good luck Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dave: Take care of yourself and just breathe. You are not going backwards as I am learning this grief journey is not a straight line. It is more like a maze with all kinds of twists and turns. Just go with it. I learned something valuable this week with my counselor and thought of you. I have had this desire to get in touch with Randy's stepdaughter that he raised when she was young. AFter his divorce her mother would not allow him to see her anymore. I continued to tell him she would realize his importance in her life as she got older. So.... I have had this yearning desire to find her and I have but have not contacted her yet. I told my counselor and he informed me this is a type of grieving...instrumental grieving. Some people will do things, kind of unfinished business for our spouses, instead of talking, crying, etc. Some people will paint the house, yard work or some of those honeydew things that went undone. Randy's unfinsished business was having contact with his stepdaughter. Don't know what will come of it but I am starting to understand it. I have a friend that is wanting me to go go go with him. Parties, bbq, motorcycling, etc and I am finding out that although I appreciate this it is not right for me. I need quiet time to reflect on my last 16 years with my spouse and honor him in my own way. I wish I was over the grief but I am not and don't know how long it will take but I am going to do what feels right to me as that is all I can do and I hope that I can come out of it healthy and whole. Thinking of you and don't be so hard on yourself. Your plan will come to you when it is time. Blessings Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dave, I go in and out of "overwhelmed", mostly in....as I, too, struggle to juggle the pieces of life. I finally gave in, surrendered a long while back and realized that as I attempt to do this transition from having Bill in my life healthy and happy to being totally alone and figuring out life....the one thing I MUST give myself is all the time it takes and not try to push the river.... I feel more comfortable now that I am doing better (not great) but better at just taking a day at a time, do what I can and let the rest go. I have also blocked off every single morning until noon to do my meditation, yoga, reading, art, walk the dog.....no appointments...none with very rare exceptions. Life gets in the way often...as when your dad was sick. I do understand what you are feeling. It is part of finding a new normal...we flounder about, struggle and get overwhelmed as we attempt to do this when we are exhausted. Take it easy....slow down...let the river flow...ride a log and you will arrive. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Woke up this am to a gift the Don Juan that Cheryl gave me had its first bloom for me today.......funny when I am at the end of my rope......a gift is sent by someone....I chose to believe Mike.........thought you all would like to see......will fill you in on the rest of my day and plans for today later..Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Thanks to all for the thoughts of support and encouragement, have spent the am crying, fretting, and finally went and sat on the front porch and drank 2 pots of coffee, it tasted so good! And I saw the rose that I posted earlier, seems so fitting to me that everytime I am really down......the roses do something, Mike and I always enjoyed them so much......so at present I refuse to believe nothing else, but that it is Mikes way of saying he is with me.......of course this brings me hope......but do I feel better......NO........but feel that I can cope.........for this moment...... The rest of my day I have planned doing what will make MY life easier....I havent totally finished painting the house, it was so good for me at one point during this process....but for some reason I just couldnt finish it all, for I thought if it was all done what would I do next? During this time I had moved everything out of the master bathroom into the dining room, making my life complicated. Is it really a big deal?????Absolutely no, not a priority in my life!!! But to put everything back away could make the flow around here....easier. I feel that it is something that I can easily accomplish today......with out stressing myself, for I just dont have the strenght to deal with stress.....as I once could. I have a grief support meeting tonight, will I go? Not sure...it is a wonderfull thing, a positive thing......but I live a hr away........I commute about 1,000 miles a week now for work and family issues......and 2 more hrs in the car today seems to be a monumental task......in fact I am out of milk.....the nearest store is 20 minutes away, so called my neighbor...he will pick someup on his way home from work today....... I know what set me off yesterday, yes it was alot of things but what broke this camels back was at work.....I have been filling in at a Psych ER since Mike died, Have done this for yrs......yes it is exhausting work, filled with constant drama.......but it is relatively safe, for it is hard to hurt a Psych pt with the wrong meds........but if I work ICU/ER, if I am not thinking straight.....yes I could miss something...and potentially kill someone......so for me it worked for the summer.......yesterday they announced my hrs would be cut as they hired more RNS to be on call!!! Why this interfers with me and $$$ and means that I have to go back into the ICU/ER ( I asked my boss if my work was fine, and no complaints he repeatedly told me I was doing great and everyone was impressed with what I have done, during this time).......not happy about this....but do know that things happen for a reason, for if I dont go back to the ICU/ER soon I will lose my skills with will make getting work harder, if I should move........so will try not to fight the river here........As for a vacation, yes that would be positive.....but a couple of weeks is not enough...I am fried with Caretaking.......no joy here for me........as for Hospice work, yes I see the beauty in it soo much, but much too soon, at least for me...........I will continue to think and explore other things in life that might make me energized at work.......and hopefully back to school soon........in the next couple of yrs? No it needs to be sooner then that! Mary and I have spoke about the need in the country for more Grief ED......I see such a tremendous need, how healthy could it be, if we all had some background in this at a early age......and how much better could society be??? Maybe thats an avenue I need to think more on......... Thanks again everyone! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 21, 2011 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Dave, Your rose is beautiful, and yes, I think when we need it the most, we get a rose in life, just in time, and yes, I too choose to believe it was Mike's way of saying he is with you. I wish I could get some such sign from George, but I don't...I miss him. So much. You have a lot to think about with your job, I just pray that you will know what you are to do and it will all come together. I can relate to your commuting for I put 120,000 miles on my car in four years, I didn't think anyone would have me beat but it seems you do! Commuting is very wearing. I should say, that's not all of the miles I've driven for I also have miles on my truck I just sold...you see, in the winter I have to drive the truck, with it's 4WD, down the mountain, where I transfer into my car for the rest of my commute, I do this because the truck got me around in the worst of the snow/road conditions, but the car gets the better gas mileage so I use it for the remainder of the trip. It's a hassle transferring everything back and forth between vehicles and warming up two vehicles, plus twice the insurance and upkeep, but it seems the best solution. Right now I'm still looking for an affordable truck for this winter...which is coming soon. You must live in AZ or someplace with warmer weather to be getting roses this time of year! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 21, 2011 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Dave, dear ~ I don't know if you like to read, or even if you have the energy to read right now ~ but I've just started reading a book that you might be interested in reading, too ~ It was recommended by several ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) colleagues as one of the best "out there" right now on burnout and compassion fatigue. Entitled Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others, you can click on the title to read Amazon's description and reviews. (Scroll down to the first Customer Review ~ that's what persuaded me to buy the book.) And yes, that rose is beautiful ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Thks marty have ordered this book, sounds like it was written for me. Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 Dave, just wanted you to know, I've been thinking of you and hope you are feeling better(for now) your rose is beautiful, I'm so envious when you write about your flowers, Oklahoma has been in such a drought, I didn't plant anything this year. Love, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 Hi everyone, doing here not better not worse.....coping and actually after spending the morning rebuilding my chicken coop and buying 6 more hens ( have lost 5 chickens in the last week, the door that I wire shut each night is open in the am HUM???) I realize that a bit of exercise has made me feel more energetic, now what to do with out overdoing it? Maybe it is time to do some journalling.....maybe not am tired of the grief, tired of crying......but little really excites me now....... Thks for the compliments on the rose, when I was a kid in KS, I use to help my gpa with his garden, it was so much fun being with him, he was such a kind and generous man!! They always said that my great gma had a green thumb to the point if someone gave her cut roses, she would plant them and have roses all the time! So with this background being said just in the past few yrs I have really gotten into gardening, and am proud to say....I use to have people knock at the door wanting to cut some of my flowers......that is such a good feeling to me and of course I would allow them to do so..... Recieved a phone call from an old friend from Ks, he yrs ago left the states and moved to France, married a lady there and has a beautifull family now, he is aware of what I am going through from facebook, and is supportive. He asked me to consider coming to Europe for a vacation........I think it might be good for me, also to see where Mikes family came from In Italy and Greece.......something to think about and incorporate into my new life...some more travelling...........will have to look at the budget! Well after typing this I am realizing that actually, for the moment.... am feeling better.......I hate what I am going to say, but will say it anyway, anymore I am scared of feeling better........as I worry about the next fall around the corner....... Thks and everyone take care! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 Dave, dear, I hope it helps to know that, even though there will always be another fall just around the corner, like a toddler learning to walk, each time you fall, you discover yet again that you can get back up, and that builds confidence. Loss is a learning process, and each time you fall, you are learning that you've been there before, flat on the floor, but you didn't stay there. You always found a way to pick yourself up and keep going. Have faith that when (not if, but when) you fall again, you already know how to deal with it, and because you are determined to do so, you will survive. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 Hi Dave, I am sorry I have not been around lately...scattered and frenzied but getting a grip again....yes we fall, we get up; we get swept out to sea, we watch the wave subside. We KNOW another wave is coming and we know the dip in the roller coaster is coming and like Marty said so well....we learn each time that we will get up and go forward. Know that I am thinking of you as you walk this path. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 Dave, You do not give yourself enough credit, how about looking at it another way, instead of fall why not a stumble, it seems to me you are doing quite well and I will tell you something no one else has, you know what it's OK to feel better...Dave would want you happy just as my Ruth would me and I'm sure all of our spouses would...keep the positive energy flowing... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 Marty is so right. The single most important thing I am learning is that I will be able to recover and go on tomorrow even if today was the worst. Just spent all of yesterday in bed/chair watching TV/doing nothing after a nice day surrounded by friends and family. Good days are usually followed by the realisation AGAIN that he isn't here to share them with and the inevitable meltdown. Tears and sleep used to make me feel guilty for wasting a day but now it makes me stronger for the weeks ahead. I figure it's a compromise that I have to learn to accept. Time to grieve will probably be necessary for me forever...Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 23, 2011 Report Share Posted October 23, 2011 Dave, You must have a smart fox in the hen house! Maybe it would do you good to go visit your friend, sometimes a change of scene can be like a breath of fresh air, I hope so anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2011 Doing ok today, but was alarmed when I went to get the soup I had made last night out of the fridge......it wasnt there and found the crock pot in the dishwasher.....apparently I think I was sleep walking, and it shook me up..hope the dogs liked it.....I have never been known to do that......called my friend here in town who lost her husband 12 yrs ago, she laughed and said "I forgot to tell you, when I lost Lee I started to sleepwalk and still do" Nothing to worry about it is caused by stress,fatique, drug and etoh use, and genetics......the only problem I have is stress, fatique...genetics? We never knew Dad's father........so the control freak here, felt out of control......and he doesnt like it! Her theory is we never know what this trauma has done to our brains.....makes sense that some changes should occur. Well off to see some friends this afternoon, need to get out of this house, property for awhile Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Dear Dave, Of course, our brains go though many changes in life. They change without the dramatic affect, of the loss of someone we loved so much. I know my sure has, and it gets scary sometimes. Now I have more good days than bad. Although my birthday was very unsettling for me. I broke down many times. I thought that would happen on Pauline's birthday DEC. 5, not on mine. It just goes to show no matter how well or under control we think we are, in our mind and brain, we are not. The deeper the Love, and the stronger your relationship was, the harder it is. It is just the way we are wired. Not many people on here, and I do not mean others did not have a great life and loved the one they lost, but Pauline had a very special relationship. Everywhere we went, we glowed with love for one an other. People could see that and even envied what we had.. That is what makes it so hard in my new life without her with me. If not for Donna and Greg, I don't know if I would have ever gotten out of bed again. They are true friends, and Donna knew Pauline almost as well as I did, because they where best friends for so long, and she never left Pauline, like many others did as the MS ate her away. I am very thankful to have them in my life now. I do strive every day to reach my goal of becoming a nurse, I will find out for sure if I will start school on Nov. 7. I really cannot wait to get started, even though I know it will be hard work, and a lot of study, but I am ready to get started. Dave I wish you the best, I will think of you, this morning it is 36 outside. It will not be long now until the snow starts to fly. Stay warm my friend. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2011 Hey everyone, has anyone else looked up the site called "Widows Voice" Marty turned me onto this awhile back...WOW the wealth of info Marty has!...and have found this site interesting as 7 widows/widowers write about their experience each day of the week, our site here is wonderfull, so please dont get me wrong, but this site offers some different thoughts......anyhow thought it might be helpfull for some......Thinking of everyone! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 25, 2011 Report Share Posted October 25, 2011 Dave, where is it, could you put a link here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 25, 2011 Report Share Posted October 25, 2011 Kay, dear, it's here: Widow's Voice , http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/ "Seven widowed people; seven days of the week; seven unique perspectives; one goal . . . to tell other widowed people that they are not alone. A program of the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Marty T, Thank you for sharing that with us. You are the best. I will check it out later. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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