Looking For The Positives

[kayc]

He's just been laying around all night, not playing, lethargic. He cuddled with me for a long time, usually it's just a couple of minutes. His nose is wet and cold, so that's good. I'm really thinking intestinal infection. I wish they'd taken his temp. when I brought him in but she was so sure it was Giardia that I don't think she was considering all possibilities.

[enna]

Please keep us updated, Kay. I am so sorry you are going through this. Know we have you in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I am sorry you and Arlie are still having medical problems. You are both in my prayers and I will be thinking of you both today, and hoping for a vast improvement in Arlie's health.

{{{hugs}}}

fae

[kayc]

Thanks, fae. I can't believe the vet still hasn't called back.

[mfh]

Well, progress is happening. All the wallpaper in my bathroom (a strip of ridiculous looking geese from the 70s-that my friends teased about) and kitchen (flowers from the 60s perhaps and now ugly green 50s paint beneath that shows...yuck!) are GONE. Ray, the painter, brought me large sheets painted with my colors so I can tape them to the walls in different spots and see how the light changes and affect them. Today I will ask my color guru (a friend and fellow watercolorist) to do a double check. I plan to live with these colors for a long long time. They are all neutral. As much as I like feng shui I am not up for orange and pink walls as I have seen in a few homes.

The living room/dining room is bare (Bill's office/guest room is stuffed, however)...only some of the furniture that I can't move remains and it reminds me that I have little recollection of seeing this house bare when we moved in (2009) because all I focused on was taking care of Bill. I did not care about pictures, furnishings or anything else. So on this cold (soon to snow) April 12 morning, I think I have a positive. Oh, and the grass is green now.

Mary with peace

[enna]

It is about time that your grass is starting to show signs of spring. And I think it really is a positive that those geese are gone from your bathroom.

Anne

[mfh]

The bathroom is quieter already. The honking was interrupting my sleep.

[Queeniemary]

Glad the honking is gone Mary, lol. Also so glad the mystery of the spot of water has been cleared up.

My positive is that I am going with some friends to Fayetteville, to the Walden Arts Center to see a production of "Anything Goes", we are eating at the Hogs Head before hand with some other friends. Looking forward to the day.

Kay, how is Arlie, been thinking about him. Got all my animals their yearly check up, shots, etc. Black Jack, the cat did great. Sassy the youngest Corgi did great....Faith, the older corgi, not so great. She does not like to ride in car, so she whined all the way there, whined and squirmed through the exam and shots, jerked away when Dr. Joe was trying to get blood for heart worm test (he finally got it), then when we were almost done, and I was paying in the lobby, she pooped on the floor!! I guess she was really stressed out. I am just glad it is all done for another year!!! Luckily the vet and staff are good friends.......

My redbud trees are really blooming, I am attaching a picture. I really love them and spring.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Mary, I love the picture of your tree and woods. I had forgotten what green trees look like...nary a bud to be found here but when Spring Green is donned in spring green...one knows where it got its name.

Check the topic Pets (furred, finned etc) as i put a video there just for you a few days ago.

Enjoy your weekend. I am going to see Vagina Monologues tomorrow night with 9 women. I was invited to dinner ahead of time but it is a group of 18 with the men and kids so two of us will just have a quieter meal elsewhere first. Curious to see how the play is received with all of the hullabaloo it stirred up. Otherwise a quiet weekend...needed so badly.

Always good to see you here,

Mary (the other one)

[kayc]

Mary, I think you've made some good choices with your neutral colors. One can always add brighter touches with paintings, rugs, etc. but the walls and flooring one has to be able to live with for a very long time. 35 years ago when I selected the counters that would go in my kitchen, I selected something very neutral, light, touches of almond, white, and brown, and in my dining room and bathroom, rich warm browns, and in my own bathroom, almond/white with threads of gold...and you know what? I have NEVER gotten sick of them or had a hard time getting something to go with them! Bring color in through valances or wall hangings but let the permanent fixtures be neutral. People who get chartreuse bathtubs live to regret it.

I'm glad your grass is turning green...so is mine, but I can't mow yet, way too wet still. I went out to the garage the other day and there say my mower with a flat tire and needing a new battery (it's a riding one). Sometimes I wish I had one of the old hand cranked (so to speak) push mowers that don't require "starting", just muscle power. I could much easier deal with the need for exercise than the know how on mechanical things. Some things like mowers and wood splitters are just so hard to start! They take more muscle power than I have or knowledge or something. Ahh well, I'll wait until my friend is back from vacation, perhaps I can get him to help me ready it for tackling my growing lawn.

QueenieMary, I'm glad your trip to the vet is over with, and poor Corgi survived the trauma!

Your picture of your home is beautiful!

Will post about Arlie on the doggy thread.

[mfh]

Positives..hmmmm. Vagina Monologues was well done thanks to about 18 women who are braver than I would be... but the play itself is outdated and a little over the top in places that caused the main message about violence to women to get buried sometimes. I am glad I supported the group. I pick and choose pretty carefully. If I did not, I would be somewhere every night and day here. Life in an art village.

I was not exactly in a great space to go see it as I had a major melt down yesterday when I finally sat down and soaked up the emptiness of the house I had purged all week. It is now in utter chaos...and I function best in order. The only things left in the living room/dining room areas are the big pieces of furniture that I can not move by myself and which he will move to the center and tarp. No pictures, books, paintings, etc. It was like the day we moved in and all I could see was Bill sitting in his chair helpless and sad and so so lost...(tears are now flowing again) as I attempted in my exhausted state (already 3 years into Alzheimer's that we knew of) to make some order out of chaos knowing how much unpacking lay ahead in the midst of how many years of caregiving and watching Bill lose "one leaf every minute". I sat down and sobbed my heart out yesterday and when the doorbell rang (a friend to help finalize the colors in the 4 areas) she saw I was crying and opened her arms and held me as i sobbed. She is a friend that is in my art group, lost her husband 22 years ago and I seldom share much with her as I can not count on her response but yesterday I just crashed and she rose to the occasion...listened and held me and let me cry/talk and even cried with me (she carries a lot of pain but does not digest it)... for a good long time-at least an hour or more, before we tackled the colors. It was something that was coming all week as I touched each and every treasure in these rooms to pack them away for a while, removed the painting of Bill, etc. ...I also felt that I was making this house a nest for ME NOT for US...which is tough also as you all know. Of course, I had a tough time allowing myself to be where I am...an ongoing battle on bad days or in bad months like March/April that i am slowly leaving behind.

The therapist in me and the achiever in me says I should not be going backwards even when I am NOT going backwards. I am worn out today. did not sleep last night and have a long but good day tomorrow as four of us (a group of gentle earth loving souls) go to see Jane Goodall (one of my heroes) and hear other speakers. We are leaving at 7am...home about 5 or so with someone coming to let Bentley out. It will be a good diversion. Painters arrive on Tuesday a.m. and will be here all week and the following week. I hope to go to my home office and the adjacent art studio and stay there with Bentley as much as possible and some long drives. Then I have to rebuild my nest before I head to Chicago again for my eyes in early May.

I do believe I need to take a second year of sabbatical after this one ends in early September....this year has been, so far, just preparation

Thanks to all for listening to me. I have been reading your posts and replied to some...

Peace

Mary

[mfh]

Mary, I think you've made some good choices with your neutral colors. People who get chartreuse bathtubs live to regret it.

I'm glad your grass is turning green...so is mine, but I can't mow yet, way too wet still. I went out to the garage the other day and there say my mower with a flat tire and needing a new battery (it's a riding one). Sometimes I wish I had one of the old hand cranked (so to speak) push mowers that don't require "starting", just muscle power. I could much easier deal with the need for exercise than the know how on mechanical things. Some things like mowers and wood splitters are just so hard to start! They take more muscle power than I have or knowledge or something. Ahh well, I'll wait until my friend is back from vacation, perhaps I can get him to help me ready it for tackling my growing lawn.

Yes, the colors are neutral and will add some richness to the house. It is like moving in again (see previous post). Agreed on the colorful tubs. We are greening up here but no buds yet on the trees. So late. I have not tried the mower yet...brand new last year but still had the guy who plows do the lawns last summer. I agree on the old fashioned push mower and it is tempting. they do sell them. I got an electric (battery) mower as i can not pull those start cords since I tore my rotator cuff in 2010.Keep up informed about Arlie.. I am watching. Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Mary. How hard for you. To have to re do your nest! I hope it doesn't take too long. I truly feel for you as this house is almost untouched by me since Pete left it.

[mfh]

Jan, I know I will feel better when the walls are painted, carpets cleaned, windows washed (by Pain in the Glass who did them before)...and as I put things back I will be figuring out what I want where....that part feels ok. IT was dissembling it somehow that got to me. I have not touch ed Bill's office /guest room, though he never really got to use it as an office here...I will do the bedrooms next year. Thye are not as bad as I have done some arranging in them and they are small (50s house) at least much smaller than I am used to so there is not much to deal with and it is a long way off. Thank you for your empathy. Remember I am 3 years out and you are just approaching your 1st anniversary. Maybe in two more years you may do some things, who knows.

[kayc]

Mary,

You'll feel better once everything is back in array again, I understand, I hate upheaval!

I should look into one of those old fashioned mowers, it'd be something I could do in the early morning while the summer is still cool, since it wouldn't make noise for the neighbors.

[mfh]

I do look forward to rebuilding the nest. Bill's office is piled with living room stuff. My office is piled with dining room stuff. The rooms to be painted are stripped and Tuesday he will take my window coverings down. I will move into my art studio/meditation room and office, I think for two weeks. It is ok...I think the crisis has passed...they always do.

I almost bought one of those old fashioned mowers but the one I got is pretty quiet and self propelled. I hope to do my own mowing this summer...save money and decent exercise. My back yard is huge and until I get some gardens going...this summer I start...there is a lot of mowing out there. But flat. Spring Green sits in what was, a million or so years ago, the river bed for the Wisconsin River which is just a few blocks away. Over time it receded leaving a wide valley between the hills that surround us.

[kayc]

Mine's on an incline but not too steep. I don't mind the exercise...the only thing I worry about is it seems to rain when I have a day off so by the time I can mow it, it might be high enough it'd be hard to mow with one of those push mowers.

[mfh]

This was a day to remember. I spent the day with 2,000 environmentalists at an Earth Day conference in Madison WI. Earth Day was founded here in Wisconsin by Gaylord Nelson...his daughter was there. I spent the day listening to great speakers that included her and Jacques Cousteau's granddaughter who practically grew up on her grandfather's boat and who is extremely involved in environmental causes and then the highlight of the day... Jane Goodall, one of my long time heroes. When Jane came into the auditorium the entire crowd was on its feet clapping and that happened several times. I did well through the day emotionally until she walked through the curtain...I know I was not alone with tears falling. Mine were three fold: 1-wishing, so wishing Bill was with me as we both love/d and admire/d her so; 2-so inspired by what this now 79 year old woman who still travels 300 days of the year as an activist has done for chimps, people, and the environment...truly amazing. Her love of animals especially chimps and her awareness of how much like us they are was so moving; 3-I got in touch with my deep desire to leave this world having contributed a tiny tiny fraction of what she has to our world. I was so moved by her presence and her life of service and also wished so much that I could share it with Bill. These big things in my life are so hard without him but how grateful I am to have been in the 3rd row and watched this peace filled woman share with us.

I am going to see if the talk is on line and will post it if it is, because it is so filled with hope that applies in so many situations including all of ours as we grieve. I feel totally over stimulated by lights, sounds, crowds, input. But the day reminded me that there is a world out there that I have lost touch with in so many ways since Bill got sick about 8-9 years ago...I am not sure where that now deeper and renewed awareness will lead me. The day was over at 5 (I read the schedule incorrectly). I was with three friends, environmentalists for sure. Two of them have a project going in Nicaragua where they create schools, plumbing, etc. for small villages and have been there many times sharing dirt floored huts with families. They are in their 70s, born in England (Jan as is Jane Goodall, of course. The other is an archeologist who grew up in Peru exploring Machu Pecchu and retired a few months ago from 11 years of spending half of each year as a forest ranger in the wilderness of Alaska working on archeological treasures. She is in my paint group. So you can see the day was one of high impact. I feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted in so many emotional areas.

I went on line part way through the day to find a FB post by my niece Katelyn (age 30) about something that she went through and was glad to be going home but did not know what it was as my battery in my phone died. It was not until I got home a little while ago that I learned that she was one block from the bombings today in Boston and that some of her friends were in the marathon. All of them are ok but I knew nothing about bombings until now so I just called her and she is ok but very shaken to say the least as it rattled everything and shrapnel was everywhere...I think there will be some additional fallout from this for her as I listened to her on the phone just now. I can't imagine how her death had it happened and was so close... would affect her sister and my sister and BIL...et al. (Later: I just learned she was in the building next to the bomb....)

So it has been a day to remember...with positive endings for me and for Katelyn but sadly not for our country or those killed and injured today...as those numbers climb. The hope that was planted in my soul today by Jane Goodall and this crowd of people who are clearly committed to our earth (as so many biked and walked and took buses to the conference and a parking lot full of Subarus and electric cars ) was shaken, needless to say.

Thank you for bearing with this long post. I just had to share with someone and it had to be someone who knew the backdrop of my life and the impact of this. I will check to see the posts for the day and eventually respond...right now I need food...the salad 7 hours ago just did not do it.

Peace to our country,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, so glad your niece is okay, but also so sad for those who were struck. I just don't understand our world. It used to feel like a safe place, it doesn't any more.

I'm glad you had a good day!

[enna]

What an absolutely wonderful day you had, Mary. I am so glad you finally got to hear Jane Goodall. This day has to be one of joy for you. It is good to have a little joy in our lives. Be sure and let us know if her talk will be online. And it is good news that your niece is ok. Anne

[mfh]

Kay, thank you. I am most relieved to know Katelyn is ok but it is rather eerie knowing she was so close...I read about Arlie and glad he is better but not out of the woods yet. I know this must be exhausting for you.

Anne, thank you. It is a strange day...with the Boston bombing, wonderful Jane Goodall, my niece's close call and being shaken....gratitude is mine but sad for so many in Boston.

[mfh]

That is why I got the electric mower...rain prevents me from mowing sometimes and it gets long fast...too much for a no power mower.

[Wifflesnook]

I read the interview with Jane Goodall in Atoms and Eden. She is inspirational. Your area sounds so fascinating. Fancy Earth Day being invented there! It's good that you are connecting with people, as I am trying very hard to do, but it often just emphasises my loss of Pete who I shared everything with and so often I metaphorically turn to him to tell him something and he isn't there. But I know he would want me to stay connected. I'm off to Leeds on Thursday to Monday to help with little grand children. I think I'm getting the balance about right by seeing them every 2-3 weeks and recuperating between visits. I'm coming up to the 4th May, when Pete died and struggling with how to mark it. The awful circumstances of it, with me having to leave him in a nursing home whilst I went over to be with Rainie for the birth (3rd May) have to be confronted in some way and I am writing it down (thanks dear Anne for listening) which I think has to be done in order to make space for celebrating Pete's life which is more positive. When our minds are full of thoughts I think it's necessary to get it written down however hard it is.

[mfh]

Yes, Jan, Gaylord Nelson founded Earth Day here in our wonderful state. Yesterday gave me hope that Wisconsin may someday get back on track if we can get Walker out of office. We hope he runs for president because he will be gone and will never win presidency. He could, however, run for both offices as ridiculous as that is.

I know these days preceding the first anniversary of Pete's death are very difficult. You will know when the day comes how you wish to honor it. Will you be home on that day or at Raine's? I know that leaving him to be with your daughter was so difficult...to not be with him when he died. I am sorry. I also know you were with your daughter at a time when she so needed you. No good answer there. When I think of his anniversary I remember the lovely memorial service you had in the barn and wondered about having a handful of friends return there for a quiet celebration of his life. Just a thought. It was so touching. Mary bringing peace.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes it was a wonderful way to mark Pete but I don't think I could bear to even get a few people together. We will be here at Kilnsea because I told Rainie I wanted to be at home and she totally understood. I'm wondering if I could bear to take Rainie and Ellie and Rosie-Mae to visit our field. I have only been once, no twice, and that was last September. It's invested in so much meaning for me I'm just not sure. Yes I think maybe I will know what I should do when the time comes.