Looking For The Positives

[mfh]

Reporting to all of you who have "nudged" (pushed) me to relax and take life easy. I have succeeded in "wasting" an entire day and most of yesterday. I have diddled on the computer on FB, Pinterest, read about a lot of pages in a new book Cathy recommended. I even started out for Madison and turned around because it just did not feel good in the really awful weather today. Painters are slowly, emphasis on slowly, getting this job done. They work two jobs at once and go back and forth while it dries...reminds me of watercolor as that is what we do.

The book is by Rob Bell (author, former pastor) whose theological background is far more conservative than mine but this book is quite interesting and he seems to be much more moderate now...even supports gay marriage saying God is leading us forward. The first 70 pages are very scientific as it attempts to put us (each individual) into the universe and shows us how we are a part of it all. It has really captured the part of me that dabbles in Quantum Physics...an excellent simple explanation for those new to it. The book is What We Talk About When We Talk About God. I recommend it if only for the first 80 pages but it is fast and easy reading, humor, and makes sense. After this one I tackle True Refuge by Tara Brach. I love her. I have to read in short spurts until I get these eye surgeries behind me.

So I am now wasting time for a living. Plan to do it again tomorrow and Friday and on the weekend I will put my living/dining areas back together at a VERY SLOW PACE. See you are forcing me to slow down and you are succeeding. It also feels good to be out of the deep hole of March through last week. I feel like I am back.

[kayc]

Good for you, Mary!

[enna]

Well, it seems like it only took a few tries to get YOU to see the light. So glad that you are taking it a little easy. I guess I'm still wondering if you are wearing shoes or slippers in the house. I do not consider what you are doing wasting time. I think it is cathartic to sit and do nothing - isn't that what meditation is all about? It was good talking with you tonight, Mary. I'm glad I'm far enough away that you cannot slap me!!

[feralfae]

Welcome Back Mary !!!

And the feistiness has already begun.

So super!

fae

[mfh]

I don't slap but I will keep asking how YOU. Are until I get an answer! to be honest, I am back to bare feet a lot. The floors are dry. I am being cautious with all the tarps down...cloth but easy to trip.

M

[mfh]

Fae I hope you are feeling better. This crew might start attempting to get you to slow down. Best be careful. They are tough

Time to call it a day. Or at least turn off the monitors.

Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

She must have called it a day...or at least not let on that she was still up!

[mfh]

My dear friends,

I do not know where to put this i.e. under what topic and don't want to start a new topic for some reason. I got home a while ago from a trip to Costco...left in a good space and returned sad. As I shopped I heard a voice calling my name, turned around and it was a former client. Bill and I worked with this woman and her abusive husband for a long time in the early 90s. I think she was at his funeral. She not only saw Bill at his best for many months but she saw us together and how we interacted and it was no different than we were anywhere else. She was able to leave the abusive marriage and then I worked alone with her for a long time. She thought the world of both of us...and thought we saved her life....in reality SHE saved her life. We were just vehicles. Anyway, when she saw me she immediately wondered how I was doing and started to talk about how wonderful Bill was and how wonderful we were together and that it was hard to see me without him holding my hand (as we did when NOT doing therapy of course, ie. if she bumped into us in public). Within minutes if not seconds, I was in tears. When I meet someone who knew Bill when he was Bill, it just brings up so much pain because many here in Spring Green never knew that Bill. We got back to Wisconsin, into a new community of Spring Green, in 2003. He became symptomatic not long after and became rather silent in public because he could not find words. So seeing someone who saw the kind, sensitive and yes, brilliant man he was and the skilled clinician he was just is so so so painful. So I got out of Costco and as i was loading my purchases (Bentley in the back seat) she came along en route to her car and had to see Bentley....I could hardly wait to get in my car and sob. Which is what I did and am still weepy...and vulnerable when I think of this.

A simple trip to Costco...becomes a trigger to pain. I came out of it when I got home as the painters were here and distracted me but now they are gone. Coat one on the lr/dr walls. They will finish those rooms by noon Saturday including replacing blinds. Now, I am alone and up pops the pain...so I am "placing it here" at the fire at fae says. Not IN the fire...as I see it as my teacher and as a gift in a strange sort of way.

Peace and gratitude

Mary

[MartyT]

Oh Mary, I'm so sorry . I know that you know exactly what has happened here and why ~ but still my heart hurts for you. It is as if you thought you'd reached the top of a very long and arduous climb, only to lose your footing and find yourself right back at the base of the mountain. You were blindsided big time, and this was a trigger of major proportions. But you certainly are not right back where you started ~ it only feels that way. I won't say any more, as I know you understand and know all of this already ~ Still, I am so sorry that it happened today, most especially at a time when your home ~ your nest, your place of refuge ~ is so disrupted and disorganized. I am so grateful to know that you have that four-footed therapist by your side right now . . . ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, Marty. You are right, I do know I am not at the base of the mountain, but I was blindsided at a time when I thought I had successfully escaped the chaos at home. Bill and I used to comment on how rarely we met clients in public in a town the size of Madison (well small compared to Chicago...at the time 400,000) and since I was involved with many of the corporations there. It felt good...then today..bam. My four footed therapist is right here...sleeping at my feet, the painters are gone until morning, and I so appreciate your reaching out. On the way home I had the thought that this was not a normal sized trigger...it felt bigger than coming across an old pair of Bill's glasses did this morning... and your confirmation helps. I sort of feel like I have no place to hide right now...but I am truly ok. And at Saturday order will slowly return to three rooms (living room, dining room both newly painted and looking good and Bill's office/now guest room where it is all stored). Monday the kitchen and bathroom which are no big deal. It just wiped me out a bit. Thank you.

Peace and love

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

I second everything Marty put (and so well). I'm sorry you had this experience. I've found over the years that the knock-downs can occur any time but the recovery time eventually gets shorter. I hope the rest of your day goes better.

[mfh]

Thank you, Kay. I find the tears not stopping but I know it is about that incident, the chaos here, the weather (raining again and cold), and fatigue. I do see quicker recovery times and know this will pass and so appreciate your reaching out. Thank you. It is now 5pm and the day has disappeared. I came home from Costco with a demo for the phone clip...this toy if I decide to get it...allows me to use my cell phone to control my hearing aids and it clips on whatever. It also connects wirelessly to the cell so that the calls go right into my hearing aids and the software on my phone is still being developed to do other things. NOt sure if I want to spend the money but I have it for 2 weeks to try. The guy at Costco likes me and has really stretched the rules without my asking...I know he senses that i hear his pain (loss, a sick partner on dialysis with no insurance, etc) so we have become sort of friends. I may charge this thing and play with it tonight. The TV is not in a good place for me to watch now so I will hang out in my art room and watch a movie on my iPad perhaps. I can't paint when I am distraught. Thanks for checking in. I am so so so so so so glad Arlie is better.

Mary with love

[kayc]

Well we'll see about Arlie when I get home tonight...I don't know yet how affected he'll be by the soup...it had spices, onion, kidney beans, black beans, corn...NOT good for his diet! It was kind of cute to watch, he's SO tall (almost as tall as I am when he stands up!), but I didn't show him the "cute" reaction when I caught him, I made him go lay down behind the couch. He KNEW he was in trouble!

A guy on dialysis w/o insurance? Oh man! That can get so expensive!

I hope your gadget works for you. Anything that helps you with your hearing.

And there we go with iPads again...I should check one out.

I hope your evening goes well and all of the workmen are gone for the day so you can rest.

[enna]

Thank you for sharing the Costco trip. Oh, if I would have been there you would have been hugged and for longer than a few seconds! I am sad that you had the encounter but glad that you once again shared with us how 'triggers' come out of no where.

[mfh]

iPad is awesome. I was visiting my brother last fall and using his computer and saw it and said, "Oh, you have an iPad...good for you." He said, "Do you want it. Someone gave it to me and I do not use it." Duh!!!!!!!!

I just pre-ordered the new Samsung Galaxy S 4 phone....which will replace the old phone I have, a Mezmerize, and accomodate the hearing aid thing better. It should arrive in 4 weeks. I am such a techie junkie.

I am doing all in my power to block out the incident at Costco...but I may have to sit with it soon and let it take me where it takes me so that it will leave me alone. Go into the pain, Mary and it then dissipates...I know that. :0

Yes, Anne, triggers (big and small) come out of nowhere...glad my sharing might help someone.

Time for some food.

Mary

[mfh]

Well, yesterday (Costco trigger) is gone for the most part and today I am restless as the house chaos is extending into more spaces and the energy of it makes meditating pretty challenging. I woke up to snow, wind, gray...not much coming down but it is April 19...it is the principle of the thing. The painters both have colds...awgh and there is tension between them. They are both at work and I am still hoping by noon tomorrow that the lr/dr will be done enough to move back in. The builder who is making my valances (I removed the foo foo from the lr windows long ago) came by and he should have those done and install and paint them next week. I think chaos will reign for another full week. The good news is that on Tuesday I drive to Galena where Bill and I started our life together. It is a river town on the Mississippi and I still go to my dentist there. I will have lunch somewhere fool around down there (bittersweet, of course) and Wed/Thur I have an art workshop all day both days. I will put Bentley in the car and take breaks to walk him off and on. The location is right on the river here in town and maybe we can do some plein air time IF the temps are up and the rain is gone.

Too much going on to suit me....just way way way too much. And it is just too cold to escape to work outside. So....here I am along with everyone else in the Midwest. I am actually glad I had the painting done now...it will be done by the time summer comes. Forget spring...it will probably not exist ...here at least. If you sense that I am pulling my hair out today...you are reading it right.

ONward....

[MartyT]

Same awful weather where I am, Mary ~ We need to go visit Anne for a while!

My positive for today is a gift for all of us. See my post in The Latest News, here: We Are Not Moving!

[mfh]

I just went outside with Bentley to see what it was like and it is snowing harder. Not sticking. I agree...we need sun and warmth. Painters are at lunch. Silence reigns. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I am so glad for your sake that the site is not moving....it works well and has so many pluses (bells and whistles). As I said on the post about it..I can only think of one time when we lost posts (this recent one) and that kind of glitch or other kinds will occur on any site anywhere ...it is just the world of computers. Who has not lost something at some time? This seems the easiest way...it IS good news and very positive.

PEACE and stay warm,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for sharing the Costco trip and the fallout here. We certainly cannot prepare for these times, but it sounds as though you are handling it pretty well, all things considered.

And considering all things, you are really doing well to hold it together at all! The glasses, Costco, the painters and their tension, the weather... after Anne hugs you, I will give more hugs. Sometimes, things trigger the pain and loss and tears just need to flow out of the woundedness we feel. I am so sorry you are having what is almost a continuation of last month, it seems. I hope things get back to "normal" soon and you can just sit with yourself and do some meditation at a time when you can open your eyes and see peace and order around you. It has to be very trying to have the chaos all around you, even if you have a level of awareness of the triggers and results.

So, here by our warm fire, I am sending {{{hugs}}} to you, and also all best wishes for your travels to Galena, a town David and I used to use as a base when we birded the Mississippi flyway in that part of the country.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Thank you, Mary. What I am most grateful for is the fact that nearly 10 years of material still will be available and accessible to everyone who visits or participates as a member on this site. I believe strongly that, apart from the immeasurable benefits our members gain from being here, the messages posted here serve a profoundly valuable educational purpose as well. If anyone wishes to study and learn what grief really, truly looks like and feels like from the perspective of the bereaved themselves, they need only to work their way through these forums. The material here, in my view, is priceless. To know that this material will be preserved just means the world to me, both personally and professionally, and I am deeply grateful to Hospice of the Valley for supporting us! ♥

[mfh]

fae, Bill and I had a B&B in Galena. I lasted 6 months with it but it had been running several years when I got there. We did not like running one so for our first Christmas Bill wrapped up the sign which was already marked "Closed permanently" and put it under the tree for me. Amen to that life. Wouldn't it be weird if you had stayed there when we were there.?

The male painter is back putting up my ceiling lights. This is a 50s house and the original lights are still there and nice. I am replacing the dining room one with a chandelier which I hope he also installs just to save hassle. It is one Bill and I lugged around unopened as we never installed it in Ouray. The TV is back in place and I hope he helps me move furniture today not tomorrow...as I could start replacing books -3 bookcases- and lamps and whatever. Now the kitchen is in disarray so I will find someone who wants fish tonight. Well he just put his ladder back in the car so I do not think he is installing the chandelier which is not his job. Just hoped he would. He is fixing my front door which the wind took and putting up an outside light neither of which he has to do so I won't ask about the chandelier until after we move the furniture out from under it.

I am doing ok. Life is life. How are you feeling? Are you resting???????????????????

[mfh]

Thank you, Mary. What I am most grateful for is the fact that nearly 10 years of material still will be available and accessible to everyone who visits or participates as a member on this site. I believe strongly that, apart from the immeasurable benefits our members gain from being here, the messages posted here serve a profoundly valuable educational purpose as well. If anyone wishes to study and learn what grief really, truly looks like and feels like from the perspective of the bereaved themselves, they need only to work their way through these forums. The material here, in my view, is priceless. To know that this material will be preserved just means the world to me, both personally and professionally, and I am deeply grateful to Hospice of the Valley for supporting us! ♥

I totally agree, Marty. So glad HOV has made this decision. I can't tell you how many times someone has said in a post or message that they read old posts before joining or that they know my story because they went back and read it. Then there is a wealth of information, as you said so well, about the grief process...it is all here..every kind of loss and real stories that show the process over many months and years of someone's life. Glad for you and glad for us and glad for new members in the future. Good move, HOV!!! Good move!

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Hi Mary,

Wow, you are in chaos! Creative, lovely chaos, but chaos. I am glad you are staying with it, because I know when it is all done and everything is back together, you will be very happy. I just hope there is a quiet spot in the day today to rest. I think you said you were not doing the bedrooms this round. I imagine the painter will be happy to have an extra tip for installing the chandelier. Now that I am cleaning closets and packing things, I found a wedding gift I have toted around since packing it to move to Evanston -- for almost 40 years. I am going to repack it, and take it with me, just because I want to do so.

I am resting now. I have had the plumber here; the chimney sweep came to install the new chimney pot; and the FedEx guy came, but would not bring the heavy headboard and chair into the house! He said they are not allowed. But the kindly sweep helped not only to bring the in the big cartons but helped to unpack them! Although I am packing, I am also redecorating, which sounds strange, but I want to sort things I want to take with me from things I'd just as soon leave or give away. Hence the guest room redecorating. I probably will not see our sweep again, so he was very kind when we were saying goodbye, and we were both sad, as he and Doug used to visit about hunting, fishing, outdoor things. He said to call him if I needed any help with things, though. He and his entire family are dear people.

I stopped for some lunch, and realized that I am pretty wiped out after a very busy morning, so I am going to rest a couple of hours, drink lots of water, and see how I feel by 3 pm or so (Mountain Time). Then, I may haul a load of cartons out to the storage unit.

That is remarkable that you had a bed and breakfast in Galena. It is such a cute and artsy and tourist sort of place, with all those lovely old buildings. We seldom stayed in rooms back then, just coming in to town to do laundry and buy groceries, then heading back to the parks where we had the tent. (Same one I am presently painting with dragonflies and flowers.) But what a superb place to bird around Galena! And I think it was Grant who was from there, so David was always doing historical scouting when we visited there. We were both university mice, only slightly less poor than church mice, which was what David's grandfather was, and his Dad a university prez. Hence the tent. We all said someone had better marry money some generation, but we were kidding. Money was less important than doing what we loved. So, we had a "base" in Galena, in the sense that we knew where the laundry and grocers were.

Wow, as I am sitting here typing this, I am realizing how tired my body is. Carrying those many cartons up the stairs, out to the garage, and getting them all taped and marked was a busy morning. I am truly tired. The best thing about being our own bosses is that we can quit when we are really tired.

I think it is time for a short nap, or at least a nice reclining rest. I feel great, and had two GF pancakes and some organic pork sausage, not spicy, for lunch. My body is celebrating the protein, I think.

As soon as everyone is cleared from the house, I hope you can rest.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Well, I am REALLY feeling like I am on the other side of this. Ray the painter surprised me and put up the lights (offered to do the new chandelier on Monday); put up my blinds (Valance comes Monday so we will have to move some things for a few minutes); cleaned up the tarps (cloth and plastic) moved the furniture back in place and my living room/dining room is 90% back. I can replace things thus clearing out Bill's office/guest room and have 2.5 days to do that so I will pace myself. Carpets will get cleaned when the whole mess is over (I will just move small things for that) and windows washed. They will put big things up on "styrofoam blocks". I can not believe he stayed and did all that and I thanked him a million times. He is a talker so he talked the entire time and I didn't even care. :P :P :P

I still have chaos elsewhere but I can live with it and as I begin to put the lr/dr back together some of that will disappear. Monday, while they paint kitchen and bath, I will clean my office and art studio...(office is not being painted for now and studio is brand new) I now have incentive as chaos disappears. Whew! Thanks for all of your caring support. Normally chaos does get to me but this time it really got to me. Amazing what losing my refuge did to me. I KNOW Bentley will relax. He has panted his way through the week or disappeared to our bedroom to sleep. He does not like change....smart dog.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Oh, my!

Your painter is a Godsend for you, how nice! What a nice person. He was probably very happy to have your kind and attentive company while he delivered his soliloquy How wonderful to have progress, to have time to take your time in setting things back in order, and how Bentley ( I think I called him Brinkley someplace, sorry) will have a rest over the weekend from all the comings and goings as well. Nice.

The 9 cartons of this day are loaded in the car, but I am still tired, so I am going to go meditate for a while. Packing up our guest room Pendleton blankets which Doug loved was time to sit and cry for a while. He was born in Washington state. But the index for all the 9 cartons is done. They are numbered and labeled, and I am so happy to have those things sorted, folded, and to have had one more release of the grief, even as I say more goodbye to that embodiment that was named Doug.

Sorting fabric, quilt designs, other designs, was maybe the hardest. The quilt I am making of the Wind River Mountains in Wyoming, my favorite hang-out for many, many years. The material for the new Gortex ski bag. Some ripstop for some stuff sacks. I must keep reminding myself that just because I have not touched things in 4 years does not mean I must toss them. I can take everything I want to take with me. I can always build an addition.

Off to meditate.

I am totally happy that it is Friday today. Things will be quieter this weekend.

*<twinkles>*

fae