mfh Posted June 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Many of us have the gift of moving through the grief process as we find a way — often after years and years of remaking — to put grief to a restless slumber. Anne Lamott writes, “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” It only takes something small … maybe a smell, a scent that reminds us of our loved one; or a picture; an activity to cause an overflow of the deep well of tears to burst forth from the depths. Even after years, grief is always at the surface. Tears we had momentarily forgotten about, feelings we had buried with the everyday activities that we’ve used to help us move on, and then it happens. Our buried, bruised soul awakens. Grief sleeps lightly; ready to be awoken by the slightest touch. ~~~ From Confessions of a Funeral Director -email Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 20, 2013 Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 Tara Brach says: "If we ask ourselves in meeting anyone—friend or stranger—'How can I be more kind,' inevitably we will recognize that every being needs to be listened to, loved and understood. While we might become aware of this first with those in our immediate circle, it is possible to pay attention and feel care for all living beings. The more fully we offer our attention, the more deeply we realize that what matters most in life is being kind. As we open to the vulnerability of others, the veil of separation falls away, and our natural response is to reach out a helping hand." ~ Radical Acceptance I say: Being kind is what will be remembered by those who have known us. It is how I want to be remembered. One word that comes into my mind as I continue on my grief journey is 'tired.' To be kind to someone who is tired lifts the spirit of that person. 'Have a good day.' 'Enjoy the warmth of the sun today.' 'Would you like to sit and have tea/coffee/ a piece of chocolate?' These things only take a moment of your time. I hope I give those moments to others I bump into during my day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 20, 2013 Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 Anne, my dear, the beauty of your soul shines through in everything you share with us. Such a lovely person you are ~ and very, very kind ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 20, 2013 Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 And to give up chocolate to anyone is very illustrative of that person's soul! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 ...and me thinks, Anne, that you need some chocolate yourself today...so here 'tis!!!! Sent with love.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 And to give up chocolate to anyone is very illustrative of that person's soul! I do so agree, Kay!!! Their very soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 21, 2013 Report Share Posted June 21, 2013 Thank you for such kind words. You all touch my heart in a way that touches my soul. The video below says it better than I can yet it is what I believe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2013 Anne, this is just lovely. I wept as I listened and watched knowing all you have been through and are going through with the loss of Jim and the loss of your health...and yet you continue to reach out, to care and to give. And yes, it is you that is, indeed, an angel. I know these are such challenging days for you and I am here for you. With love, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 22, 2013 Report Share Posted June 22, 2013 “Paradoxical as it may seem, the purposeful life has no content, no point. It hurries on and on, and misses everything. Not hurrying, the purposeless life misses nothing, for it is only when there is no goal and no rush that the human senses are fully open to receive the world.” ― Alan Watts “When we dance, the journey itself is the point, as when we play music the playing itself is the point. And exactly the same thing is true in meditation. Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment.” ― Alan Watts “No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.” ― Alan Watts I like these quotations and can give a concrete example (well more sandy really) Our peninsula called Spurn Point is three and a half miles long. The army, when they were using it in World War Two, for the defence of Britain, constructed a concrete road down to the Point. Because the peninsula is constantly being eroded by the tides, and has become much narrower at certain points, the road, at the northern end has been destroyed. Many times in recent years new temporary roads have been constructed, but we are living on borrowed time. Anyway, to get to the point (rather an appropriate metaphor) the road was lost again in March. People have been forced to walk down rather than use their cars. And in so doing they have appreciated the peninsula in a different way. Rather than thinking the point of those journey was to reach the Point (it's really called that!) they have realised that the journey to the Point was wonderful. Apparently many people have remarked upon this. If you google Spurn Point, or look at mine and Pete's web site (www.wilgilsland.co.uk) you will see what a strange and unusual place it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 22, 2013 Report Share Posted June 22, 2013 I really like the quotes of Alan Watts, Jan. And I love your Spurn Point. It is a shame that things of nature, and so beautiful, have to be destroyed by that very nature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 23, 2013 Report Share Posted June 23, 2013 Thanks Anne. I think they carry a lot of wisdom. I need to ponder on things like that right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2013 Jan, I also like those quotes. I think (just think) it was Alan Watts who said, "Have a cup of tea and stop the war inside." I do that daily several times and I KNOW you (in England) do also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 My quote for today... from Tara Brach "Imagine that your child comes home in tears after being bullied at school. In order to find out what happened and how your child is feeling, you have to offer a kind, receptive, gentle attention. Bringing that same kindness to your inner life makes inquiry, and ultimately healing, possible." ~ True Refuge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you for the true reminder that we need to be attentive to ourselves, and compassionate and understanding. We were fortunate to have someone in our lives that took such good care of our inner selves, but now there is only ourselves and we must treat ourselves with all of the patience and love that our dear spouses did. We must learn to love ourselves as they did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Yes, Kay. That is my belief also. We sometimes forget that we are special and we do have to care for ourselves in a loving, tender way. I miss that love I received from Jim as you miss it from George. I wish we could have it 'one more time' - I have said that so many times. Did the rain last night scare you or just worry you or neither. I love the rain but not if it brings any distruction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Mary, dear, I was so taken with your quotation about having a cup of tea to stop the war inside that I went on a Google search. Here is what I found: Drinking a Cup of Tea I Stop the War Posted by Donna Fellman Wednesday October 25, 2006 | 1 comment This is one of my favorite modern tea stories, written by Joel Levey: One day over tea, my friend and mentor the late Paul Reps shared the following story of his studies in the Orient. At one point Reps had traveled to Japan, with plans to visit a respected Zen master in Korea. He went to the passport office in Japan to apply for his visa and was politely informed that his request was denied due to the war that had just broken out in Korea. Reps sat down in the waiting area. He had come thousands of miles with the plan to study with this Korean master. He was frustrated and disappointed. What did he do? He practiced what he preached. Reaching into his bag, Reps mindfully pulled out his thermos and poured himself a cup of tea. With a calm and focused mind, he watched the steam rising and dissolving into the air. He smelled its fragrance, tasted its tasty bitter flavor, and enjoyed its warmth and wetness. Finishing his tea, he put his cup back on his thermos, put his thermos in his bag, and pulled out a pen and paper upon which he wrote a Haiku poem. Mindfully, he walked back to the clerk behind the counter, bowed, and presented him with his poem, and his passport. The clerk read it and looked up deeply into the quiet strength in Reps’ eyes. Smiling, he bowed with respect, picked up Reps’ visa and stamped it for passage to Korea. The Haiku read: “Drinking a cup of tea, I stop the war.” Outer wars and conflicts come from and mirror the inner conflicts in each of our hearts and minds. A first step toward peace is learning to recognize the outbreak of internal conflict and war in our own minds. This is a very powerful and profound art. During times of strife our lives depend most of all on learning to carefully observe the creative activity of our own mind as it weaves impressions and stories into beliefs that shape our attitudes and values, set our priorities, drive our communications and actions in the world. Learning to recognize the outbreak of internal conflict and war is a very powerful and profound art. In our work with the Green Berets we spent nearly six months helping the soldiers learn to “recognize and befriend their inner enemies” and to “recognize and stop the war inside” so that they would be able to behold what was really going on with clarity, be more mindful of their options, and make wiser choices. Be mindful of the many moments in your day when you have the opportunity to “stop the war.” In this way you too will be able to say, “walking, breathing, drinking tea…driving, I stop the war!” An excerpt from Joel & Michelle Leveys’ The Fine Arts of Relation, Concentration, & Meditation: Ancient Skills for Modern Minds (Wisdom Publications, 2003). [ Source: http://www.tching.com/2006/10/drinking-a-cup-of-tea-i-stop-the-war/ ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Oh, Marty, thank you. I do love this story...and it is such truth. I associated that line with Watts for some reason...maybe he quoted it in a book I read (of his). I love knowing the real story behind it. I plan to keep this as it so reflects my beliefs and goals. Thank you so much. I do see having a cup of tea as a symbol of doing just that. Tea ceremonies do not exist without meaning to the ritual. We have a tea house owned by a very good friend here in the village and she knows tea...it is a place of quiet for me and home comes the teas...and quietly I sit and sip mindfully and find my calm when the winds within blow up storms. Mary with love and gratitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Right on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2013 Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief What are you becoming? Grief changes you and it's easy to see that it might only change you for the worst. Can you allow it to make you softer, more compassionate, wiser? How would your loved one want you to change? Do so, in their honor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 25, 2013 Report Share Posted June 25, 2013 I don't think it changes us for the worse...I feel I am more secure in who I am, more aware of me as a person, realizing I don't need someone to "complete" me, but choosing to be on my own until the day George and I can be reunited. I am more acutely aware of what others are going through. I am not afraid, as I once was. But all of this is secondary, resulting from our experience in having dealt with loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 25, 2013 Report Share Posted June 25, 2013 I just like this quote and the picture. Gave me something to think about besides myself...right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2013 I don't think it changes us for the worse...I feel I am more secure in who I am, more aware of me as a person, realizing I don't need someone to "complete" me, but choosing to be on my own until the day George and I can be reunited. I am more acutely aware of what others are going through. I am not afraid, as I once was. But all of this is secondary, resulting from our experience in having dealt with loss. I agree, Kay. I am more aware but I have to be careful that I am not comparing myself with the caregiver years...anything would be an improvement in that case. I try to go back to who I was before Bill got sick and yes, there are changes but the biggest changes I notice are between caregiver years and now. I am more compassionate because I am more aware of the impact of loss now. I know more of my strengths because I have done the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am more tuned in to the pain of others because I have been to the bottom. I still wrestle with fears that raised their heads since Bill died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2013 I think the "him" in this graphic is someone the Story People folks lost..maybe a friend or co-worker but this feels very powerful to me and of course, I see the "him" as my Bill who so many times showed me the way and who without his being by my side....I can not see the way very clearly and sometimes not at all. I had to click on ctl and + at the same time to enlarge the picture on the monitor so this could be read. Sorry MAC folks, do not know how to do that on your machines Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 28, 2013 Report Share Posted June 28, 2013 Beautiful, Mary ~ and a perfect representation of your beloved Bill . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2013 Thank you, Marty. After re-reading the graphic after seeing your post...I particularly like the line that says....basically...he could see who WE could become. Bill and I use the word WE a lot to describe us. It was you, me, we....to me meaning that "we" was as much a person as he and I separately. Thanks, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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