Significant Quotes

[enna]

“What you do for yourself - any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself - will affect how you experience your world. In fact, it will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you do for others, you’re doing for yourself.”
~ Pema Chodron

[enna]

“Compassion can be described as letting ourselves be touched by the vulnerability and suffering that is within ourselves and all beings. The full flowering of compassion also includes action: Not only do we attune to the presence of suffering, we respond to it.” ~ Tara Brach

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the beautiful quotes, which brought tears to my eyes.

I have not been able to sleep: too much street noise here outside my room this weekend day in Whitehorse. I think I will go have soup and salad and a cup of tea. (Thank you Marty for the beautiful story.)

I have listened to the meditation audio I have three times, and still cannot sleep for all the traffic noise, so I am going to put my clothes back on (I am in my nightgown, hoping to sleep) and have some lunch and see if I can find some earplugs.

I have not been able to slow my mind down since last night when the people were trying to get into my room, and woke me up. That set off something that is still buzzing in my body, not sure what.

So, I am going to find something to eat, then try to sleep again. I must sleep so I can leave early, and hope to make it all the way to Fort Nelson tomorrow.

I am having a day of grief, too, thinking about being here in Whitehorse with Doug. So many memories, just flooding me entirely. Mary, I hear you on the 2pm feelings. Some days are just not so easy. I hope I can rest soon, and be ready to travel on tomorrow morning. I must go find something to eat now.

I am enjoying catching up a bit here, and thank you everyone for the beautiful quotes. I do not know what I would do without this place of sharing and compassion, love and awareness.

fae

Much Love

[mfh]

I have not been able to sleep: too much street noise here outside my room this weekend day in Whitehorse. I think I will go have soup and salad and a cup of tea. (Thank you Marty for the beautiful story.)

I have not been able to slow my mind down since last night when the people were trying to get into my room, and woke me up. That set off something that is still buzzing in my body, not sure what.

I am having a day of grief, too, thinking about being here in Whitehorse with Doug. So many memories, just flooding me entirely. Mary, I hear you on the 2pm feelings. Some days are just not so easy. I hope I can rest soon, and be ready to travel on tomorrow morning. I must go find something to eat now.

Dear fae, I hope you found ear plugs and can get some sleep. I was up most of last night and one feels so exhausted after that. When you said people were trying to get into your room and it "set off something that is still buzzing in my body" the first thought I had was the break ins, the ruffians, and the trauma of that....your body/mind remembers that trauma...so I imagine the buzzing might be a PTSD response.... Happens to me a lot....unexpectedly. I KNOW I am also dealing with PTSD....maybe I always will...this loss is just so huge and beyond words for you, for me and most if not all of us. And I am seeing each day that I must just allow whatever is, to just be what it is. These days of grief are wearing. It is sort of like 5 steps forward and 3 back...but it only feels that way. It is all forward in reality. Memories of you and Doug in Whitehorse, of Bill and me at the art fair....our entire beings, body, soul, mind, emotions, go into a tailspin. It has taken me a long while not to feel like a cry baby when things like this trip off my pain and sadness...accepting my journey is still difficult but I make headway with each tailspin...and that headway means that I learn that ten years, twenty (if I am still around at 93 I hope not) tears will fall at an art fair, a restaurant, Door County, etc. and so be it with you and all of us. Our partners/soulmates/spouses found their way into our souls and became a part of our very beings and our souls remember as does every single cell of our bodies. So I let my tears flow and with all the people I call friends, there is hardly a soul on this planet who comprehends that, so the pain remains behind a protective shield much of the time...I can let it show to a small handful of soul-friends (4 to be exact) and here on this forum. I sometimes think we just do not allow ourselves to accept how hard this really is...I think we tend to treat ourselves the way society treats grief...(i.e. move on, buck up, let go, don't think about it, etc.)....but the only way out is through...and it is a long long through...and in reality..never will really end but each day...we get stronger even though I feel weak (in my weakness is my strength). I hope you sleep. Peace and love to you, Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Yes, actually, my first thought was the ruffians, since two of them were in Fairbanks (to claim some things Doug had set aside for them and see what else they could get while I was there) and they left only a couple of days prior to my leaving, and are motorcycling back to Washington State, so it is possible that our paths might cross. It is simply that so many things still raise fear now that I am alone and trying to figure out how to be both safe and brave in this world as a one instead of our One.

Thank you for naming it: PTSD it is. I think our bodies get so used to the vigilance, worry, fears, upset, and all the little losses (leaves falling, one at a time, as you say so beautifully) of our Beloved, that we are habituated to that mode. I am trying to unlearn that, and send my body better messages, hence the meditation for sleep that I am using. I could not find earplugs, but I am going to play some quiet new age music on my computer when I crawl back in to bed.

I found a gluten-free burger and some sweet potato fries for lunch, and many cups of herbal tea. Very nice staff here at the hotel.

Yes, you are so right that we much allow it, and honor it, and let the tears flow and the feelings rise. I really thought I was a lot further along until this trip to Fairbanks, where events could suddenly trigger tears about things I did not recognize as triggers, until after the tears. Then, on reflection, I could see what the triggers were. Being in Whitehorse is certainly a place filled with memories and triggers.

Yes, our weakness is our strength, especially when we acknowledge and make room for the weakness, and honor it as a part of who we are today, I think. I have given up trying to be tough in most situations. Sometimes, I can "get through" situations by swallowing my feelings, but then I need to honor those feelings later. Such a tiring journey this can be in so many ways!

Thank you dear Mary, and yes, we are getting stronger day by day.

I am going to try to go back to sleep now, listening to my sleep meditation audio.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Just thinking of everyone today - don't really have anything in my own words to add but I did find these thoughts that caused me to stop and pause: who are we without our beloveds, are we learning what it is to grieve, and we'll each do it our way.

Have peaceful hours and know that you are loved.

[mfh]

fae, you said: "It is simply that so many things still raise fear now that I am alone and trying to figure out how to be both safe and brave in this world as a one instead of our One."

I agree learning to be a solo person again leaves me feeling very vulnerable....not that Bill protected me but that we protected each other just with our presence. I also believe that especially when we are vulnerable that our feelings are sort of like Fibber McGee's closet (I am not sure how old you are but I used to listen on the radio to Fibber McGee and Molly). Their closet was the kind that was so full that when it was opened everything inside came falling out. When we let one feeling come into our awareness, they all seem to come...and it is sort of like walking about without our skin...even the air can feel like an assault weapon.

I hope you are asleep right now. Mary

[mfh]

fae, I finally settled down enough to drift off to sleep and slept for 45 minutes. It felt good...

Anne, those pins are most appropriate. Thank you. I know Monday is drawing near and tomorrow you kennel Benji for the first time....both difficult. I am here.

Mary

[enna]

A strange place to post this since it is not a quote but I wanted to acknowledge your comments, Mary.

I could quote a limerick, but it just might be sensored by our moderator.

Yes, Monday is 'drawing near!' I don't know if I'm more concerned about Benji being away from me or what's going to happen on Monday. Right now, I'm checking my lists to make sure I've covered everything for Benji's boarding - I have prepared his food and treats in individual baggies so all they will have to do is empty a bag in the am and one in the pm. There are only two treats I give him and he loves them. He will do almost anything for them... he will have play time for six hours during the day, if he wants - an ice cream treat in the afternoon (no chocolate). He will be groomed on Tuesday morning and have extra play or walk time with someone there. I'm really not worried because I know they will take good care of him. I hope he doesn't think I've abandoned him!!!!

Before I take him for boarding, he has a follow-up vet visit at 3:00 PM - just follow-up because of the seizure he had. The vet knows I am boarding him and Pete's knows about his one seizure. The vet office is only two blocks from where Benji will be staying. The vet has nothing but good things to say about Pete & Mac. There is also an all night vet hospital right next door.

I think I'll be ok - I don't know if I'll sleep Sunday night! I must be sounding like a new mother worried about her child - well, I am.

About Monday. I am trying to stay calm. The doctor called me yesterday to tell me some of what they are going to be doing - I think I would prefer to know as little as possible yet still be informed!! Two of the test results that they took in the office Thursday came back - My Graves disease is not active - that is GOOD! The thyroid could have been the culprit for the uncontrolled high B/P. And the numbers were within acceptable range for the heart failure - no fluid in the lungs or around the heart only the edema in the tissues in some of the extremities. That will make Monday's procedures easier. He did tell me that with any procedures there is risk - so we all know that! Actually, when I talked with the nurse taking my information she actually told me that the worse case scenario would be that I could suffer a real heart attack. I know they have to tell you these things, but I was ready for a handful of chocolates when I had to hear that! What better place to be than in the hospital if you are going to suffer a heart attack!!! Now, that is more than most want to know. Thank you, Mary for letting those on the forum know how I did on Monday. Hopefully, I'll be able to be in and out quickly.

I will not have the cardiac ablation that day IF I need it. There are only a few hospitals that have the equipment to perform the ablation - my cardiac doctor will do it at one of the hospitals - if necessay. I pray for it not to be necessary.

I believe everything will be fine. I shall be in very good hands - The Heart & Vascular Center has a very good reputation.

Say a little prayer for me. I'm offering my day up for what our Shannon is going through Anne

[mfh]

Anne, you are a trooper. I do understand your quandary..is leaving Bentley in a kennel worse or easier than heart tests? He will indeed be fine and he will be back in your arms and home on Tuesday. I will await a call from Pat or Otto and post here immediately so folks know what is happening. And yes, you and Shannon are in our hearts and on our minds and in our prayers.

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

Anne, dear, being frightened is perfectly understandable given what you're facing ~ and I'm sure that leaving Benji will bother you much more than it will bother Benji. That, too, is exactly how we'd expect you to feel ~ like a mama bear abandoning her cub ~ but you've done all you can to ensure that your baby will be well cared for in your absence, and that is all you can do. You know that your entire HOV family will be thinking of you and holding you close on Monday, as those doctors take good care of your precious heart . . . ♥

[feralfae]

Anne,

You are doing a wonderful job of pulling this all together, of taking good care of yourself and Benji, and especially for moving forward with better care and a team you trust.

It all sounds great to me, considering the circumstances.

I am holding you in prayer and in my heart, along with our dear Shannon.

I will sign on when there is internet to find out how things went, when Mary can post.

Mary, thank you for keeping us all informed.

Much Love to you, Anne, and to you, Mary.

I am sending lots of good wishes and *<fairy dust>* from the Yukon. I'll be on the road tomorrow, heading for Fort Nelson, hoping to spend tomorrow night there.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne,

I've been thinking of you this weekend, you and Shannon both. Benji will undoubtedly enjoy his time away as an adventure and perhaps sleep some of it away. I was worried about leaving Arlie alone last night, he isn't used to me being gone at night as I protect that time, but he must have been okay, he is laying here drying off after his bath.

I pray it doesn't come to a heart attack, yet it is true, better if you have to have one, to have it in such an environment. But you have a lot of people praying for you!

[mfh]

It happens here, every single day!

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you.

The perfect quote for me today, even it not a child, but a husband who has left.

Me, too.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KATPILOT]

Oh Mary!

That so touches on what brings us all together here. I don't know how you find all these wonderfull things to share.

We start life feeling like we could never die. Somewhere about middle age, we experience medical procedures and health seems to smack us in the face. Soon after that, we start to recognize our vulnerabilty and start to fear death as a real possibilty.

Life changed for me that way but somewhere along the path I began to have a reoccuring dream. I was on the Titanic and being a man, I was aware that I would be going down with the ship. I found myself in the bar buying a gentleman a drink and sharing a toast to a wonderfull life. It seemed that fear of dying just wasn't present. I know it is just a silly dream yet I think it was me trying to get rid of the fear. Being with another in the same boat when things seem to be heading south, we find comfort knowing we are not alone.

I stay close to the fire so I don't drift into despair

Stephen

[mfh]

I do not think dreams are silly. Your dream is telling you something important. Perhaps putting you in touch with your fear of dying is not such a bad thing. It is empowering in a sense as you can then come to terms with it. Certainly being alone especially when dying is something most if not all fear. I surely do. If I die alone here at home or in a car accident, so be it, but my preference would be to have someone with compassion be with me. Of course, I know Bill will be there to welcome me...over there. I truly have no fear of death. I do fear how I might die...the worst would be lingering in pain or without my mind in tact....and alone...and I am taking steps to make sure the best possible care will be provided...knowing I have little control after doing that. I think that the phrase, "follow your dreams" might apply equally to the dreams we have at night as well as those we have for our lives.

[enna]

I like this book - it's a keeper for me: True Refuge by Tara Brach

"Caring contact is medicine for body and soul. If someone—even a stranger—holds your hand while you’re frightened, the fear centers in your brain begin to quiet down. And when we’re at the end of our lives, looking back, it’s the moments of loving connection that shine most brightly. These are the times that give us meaning; the times when we are fully at home in the wholeness and tenderness of our being. " ~ True Refuge

Always be kind to animals. Anne

[mfh]

As the water flows through the waterbed, the path is clear. Even when the waters rise we don't have to see the steps to know they are there.

[mfh]

Click to enlarge.

[mfh]

Buddhist Monk Thich Nath Hahn: "People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle."

[mfh]

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief Some days are simply 'winter' . . . cold, frozen, perhaps dark, often heavy. And even though you will it to be 'spring' (with gratitude practices, happy memories, love), it's no good. You cannot force it to be spring when it is, in fact, winter. So let yourself be in the heavy, frozen place of your grief. Let it be winter and don't try to resist it. The spring thaw will eventually come, but not today.

[enna]

Some very good quotes, Mary. This morning I found one from our Pema Chodron:

Our Mistaken Feeling of Separateness

"At the level of absolute truth, there is no reason to suffer. But at the relative level, we’re all in considerable pain. The cause of our discontent is our mistaken feeling of separateness. This isn’t based on anything tangible. It’s based on beliefs and concepts. The duality of subject and object, self and other, is an illusion imputed by the mind.

This absolute understanding is arrived at through the practice of letting go. Meanwhile, we can work at the level of everyday pain and treat other people’s suffering as our own."

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the loving notes.

I hope you are enjoying a day of sitting under the misters, playing with Benji, and allowing all the loving energy of the Universe to flow in and heal you as you look at the flowers, scratch Benji between the ears, and maybe read a lovely book.

I am just resting today. I will be around here, and thank you for all the wonderful quotes and music, which I am just now beginning to enjoy.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]