I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Thank you Mary. I do have a Physicians Directive, a Medical Power of Attorney, a Legal Power of Attorney,

a DNR directive, a Financial Power of Attorney, a Living Will, and a General Power of Attorney.

These documents transfer all my legal and financial rights to my executor. I had to provide My Paula's Physicians Directive to the Oncologist, the hospital, and to Hospice for the care of My Paula.

There was never a question regarding the validity of the documents.

My Paula saw to it that everything was made as easy as possible for me in that time of

unbearable stress.

There was some resistance from credit card companies and the cable service provider.

They required a copy of the Death Certificate to change name designation on accounts,

or to close accounts. One of these bastards even required an original, not a copy, "just to make sure".

Surprisingly, dealing with the federal and state governments regarding Social Security Benefits

and Unemployment Benefits was easy by comparison.

In the final outcome every issue was addressed and settled due to the foresight of My Love and her attention to details.

Our son and daughter both have a notarized copy of my End of Life documents.

All of my documents are under lock and key in a 2,000* fire-proof box. I would have another set in a safe deposit box at the Credit Union but they do not have a vault or safe.

Is there any wonder why I love her so? Thinking of me until the very end. Love you Dear.

Thank you, My Love.

[mfh]

Well, Chris, it surely sounds like you have covered it all very thoroughly. Good for you. I had to submit Certificates of Death a few places also. For some it is standard procedure....

Take care,

Mary

[boogieman]

Yes indeed. My Paula is nothing short of wonderful.

I understand standard procedure but originals?

Happy Mothers' Day to all.

[kayc]

I guess they figure they can be easily faked without the seal or whatever. I had to order 15 copies and it's expensive when you don't have money!

[boogieman]

Today is the 16th. I had hoped and prayed to not wake up this morning. No such luck.

13 months since My Love passed.

Stressed terribly this morning.

Headache, chest tight and hurting, hands trembling, no energy or strength.

The usual heartache, sadness, and loneliness. They have become my constant companions.

[enna]

You are grieving, dear Chris. I'm thinking of you today. Allow your feelings. I like to take walks or just be out in nature. There is something calming for me about wind blowing through palm trees or birds making noise or flowers opening in the early morning.

Anne

[kayc]

Chris, I'm kind of worried about you feeling these physical symptoms...over a long period of time it can take it's toll on your body. Like Anne with her walks (and me), is there anything that de-stresses you? I just read about these on FB and thought I'd give it a try:

INFUSED WATERS:

1. Green tea, mint, and lime - For fat burning, digestion, headaches, congestion and breath freshener.

2. Strawberry and kiwi - For cardiovascular health, immune system protection, blood sugar regulation, digestion.

3. Cucumber, lime, and lemon - For water weight management, bloating, appetite control, hydration, digestion

4. Lemon, lime, and orange - For digestion vitamin C, immune defense, heartburn, (Drink this one at room temperature)

Infused waters are good for detoxification energy and hydration. Put as much fruit in water as you like and let the water sit for at least 30 minutes before drinking.

I know that grieving is one of the hardest things we'll ever be called upon to do.

[heidi1]

Chris,

I know that feeling, I am so disappointed every morning when I wake (increasingly early). I remember the song that Harry Nilsson sang, 'can't live, if living is without you', and I can't live without Robert because in the 8 weeks and almost 5 days since Robert fell asleep, I am not living, this cannot be called life, a painful existence, a remainder of life sentence to a living nightmare, with no hope of parole. I pray not to wake every night, and when I do wake, i pray to go back to sleep and not wake. So Chris, you are not alone, I wish I didn't understand. You probably should see your doctor about the tight, painful chest, possible chest infection, angina etc. But the smart money is on grief and stress, a time machine, that's what we need. May God grant us rest. Heidi.

[boogieman]

Thank you all ladies.

I am sure my condition is stress related. If I am lucky it will not pass and I can be with My Love soon.

I do enjoy sitting on the patio where My Paula and I spent so many wonderful hours together.

I drink a berry flavored green tea regularly.

So apparently I am destined to "live" alone in what some say passes for "life".

I do wish it were not so.

[kayc]

How are you doing today, Chris? I know what you're saying, I feel the same way. I make berry flavored green tea too, I find it makes my insides feel better.

[boogieman]

Today is the 19th. The 13 month date of My Paula's' Memorial Service.

I had hoped to be better able to cope, but this week has been very difficult again.

Not as acute as in the first few months, but disturbing and distressing just the same.

Headache all day, stressed, tension, blood pressure dropped to the low 100's over low 60's'.

Anxious about everything, I am unable to do anything but hang on. Another wasted day.

A sense of impending doom and a crushing weight fallen over me.

I wander around the house looking for My Paula.

All I see are heart-wrenching reminders of My Love and our life once so enjoyed..

At this rate I extrapolate that I might be able to withstand the onslaught never.

[mfh]

Chris, just as your distress is not as acute ( as you said) as in the first few months, I believe your pain and grief will continue to change over time with the work you are doing. It is slow going for me including me but it does change so I hope you can hang onto that possibility and that your extrapolations prove to be better than you think.

I do know this is tough. Things do shift slowly. In the meantime, I continue to hold you in my heart.

Mary

[kayc]

Chris,

It does seem whatever is going on with you reflects in your blood pressure one of the first places. I wish you had a doctor to check with but I know you aren't bowled over by yours. Do you have a Dial a nurse number to call?

[feralfae]

Chris,

I think you tried some meditation and I think it was not helping you. That was a while back. Maybe you could try it again. It might help your body to relax and that would allow some relief from the stress of the grief and pain. I was lucky to be distracted by work, in a way. I HAD to do things, make decisions, write, stay on top of stuff, and so I put off a lot of my need to grieve for a while.

I agree with Kay about the BP, and I hope you can find someone to check with about it. That is worrisome.

Meanwhile, you have probably read most of the wonderful writings of Marty and Mary, but if there are links you have not read yet, some of them might help.

I think the only way we begin to come to some peace is by staying with this process even when it feels as though we are going to get lost in the pain, on top of being lost without our Beloved. You are doing a very heroic journey, and having the courage to face the pain and grief takes great courage. A lot of people just stuff it and never really grieve, but it messes up their lives in other ways. This way, you are truly healing and while the healing may not ever be complete, you will feel better as you move on this journey, even if it is only a tiny bit better each week.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

I wanted to add, if formal meditation doesn't do it for you, I understand, but you might try prayer. I used to teach a class on prayer, and spent a long time studying it as well as practicing it, and I can tell you, when I first started, it felt a bit awkward. If you persevere, there'll be a breakthrough. It had a great affect on my BP, as well as the rest of my life. There's no right or wrong way, just your way, but I've found that instead of just talking at God, when I wait and listen, that's what really makes a difference. Most of us voice ourselves and then go on our merry way, without taking the time to wait on Him...that is the really beautiful part of prayer. I find meditation can have a similar affect on our lives but with a different aspect. Soft music might help especially in the beginning. Start with ten minutes...it will seem like an incredible amount of time...at first. Later on an hour is nothing.

[heidi1]

Chris,

A systolic (top figure) blood pressure in the low 100's is not generally considered to be a problem as long as you aren't feeling faint or having dizzy spells, a diastolic (bottom figure) in the low 60's is fine. As long as you feel ok. High blood pressure is the silent killer, because you don't feel ill. What about your pulse? Too high or too low of anything is bad, it used to be thought that a very low resting pulse was a sign of being very fit, new thoughts are that it may indicate a problem with the sino atrial node, the hearts natural pacemaker.

Fae,

I too have things I absolutely have to deal with, I think you also Kay were in the same position of having things that couldn't wait. I would love to draw the duvet over my head and let everything go, but it's not an option, or else i won't have a duvet to cower under, I have to deal with these things even though i sincerely hope and pray I won't be here tomorrow.

Today I have received a voice recording of Robert agreeing a deal for electricity back in November last year, it is the last recording of his voice, when I play it, his voice will fill the room again, I don't need to say how that will be.

On Monday I learned with shock of the sudden death of someone i met a few weeks ago at the memorial service for an old friend. She too had lost her husband around the same time I lost Robert. From Costa Rica she was here for 6 months to visit her daughter who is married to an Englishman. She was only young, 53, full of life, went into hospital with pneumonia, had a heart attack and died, was it really a broken heart that had left her vulnerable? There's hope for me yet.

Today is a really bad day, I feel worse now as I have played the CDrom and heard Robert talking, after all those years together, all my memories of everything are bound up with him, I don't want any more life, I don't want to survive this, I want to die to be released from this miserable existence, may God grant me this request.

[feralfae]

Dear Heidi,

It is so very painful and difficult the first year, and especially dealing with things the first many months. I asked everyone I knew could to help me, as I was in great pain due to spine injury as well as losing Doug and other things.

Take it one hour at a time. Try to make a list and get one thing done each day, or better yet, get someone to help you to get it done. Do you think Robert wants you to join him, or would he rather that you stay here and be his spirit anchor on Earth? Because that is what Doug told me before he left: that I had to stay and be his spirit anchor here. I was ready to ignore that and go anyway, but now I am incredibly grateful that I was stopped.

I do know how hard it is to make it through each day, each hour, sometimes even five minutes. Having a grief counselor helped me. Having loving friends to help me stay alive helped me. And, now that I think about it, the emergency surgery when I could no longer walk and was in excruciating pain helped me to stay alive: no one could see my broken heart or the trauma that was going on with the robberies and all. But the surgery made it obvious on a physical level to everyone that I was very broken. I had to learn to walk again and all that sort of thing. Many people came to take care of me and help me during and after the surgery.

One of my dear friends told me after she lost her husband that she thought we should wear a cast on our arm and use crutches, so people would know how broken we were.

But if you are serious about wanting to go, and you feel that Robert is waiting for you, perhaps the angels will hear your prayers and answer them in some way.

Personally, I think that in a year, you will look back on this time with great compassion for yourself, and you will thank G*d for keeping you alive, and helping you to make it through these very painful and breaking months of early grief. Stay with us here, and we will do all we can to help you on this journey.

I hope you have looked into the wonderful program Marty offers for the first year. There are a myriad of books linked from this forum, as well as so many healing and helpful resources. I hope you can find the energy and interest to try some of them. I am so sorry for your broken heart. I know how much it hurts. I promise you it will get better in a little while. You are still a precious and beautiful embodied spirit, and I think you are here with us around this fire and still alive for a reason, even if we don't know what it is yet.

Blessings,

fae

[heidi1]

Thanks Fae,

I do make a list and try to do at least one thing from it each day, although today I haven't been able to do anything because of trouble with my PC, i pressed a wrong button and lost all my inbox emails, normally I have trouble getting rid of deleted emails, but this time they seem to have gone. 43 years is all of my adult life, so every memory I have is bound up with Robert, and I can't talk to my children, oldest son says he can't listen to me when i try to say, daughter says it makes her feel worthless, son says his sister needs me, which makes me feel worthless to him, and younger girls' eyes just fill with tears. I am serious about wanting to go, and am a little cheered by your saying maybe my prayers will be answered, I do really feel that Robert did not want me to live on after him, because he used to say maybe he needed to hear that when I said I couldn't bear it if he died and if he went I would too, we had such a close relationship, I could tell him anything. I know what I said to him about if I should die first, I said I wanted him to be there for the children, I didn't want him to remarry, but if he was really unhappy alone, then, while i wouldn't like it, i wouldn't want him to be really unhappy. But Robert had serious health problems for many years so it didn't seem likely that I would die first. All I know is that I was right, I can't bear it, and he has gone and I want to go too. As for being precious, Roberts' life was precious to me, mine is a painful burden. Here in England it will soon be midnight, so I will go to bed and hope my prayers will be answered tonight. Heidi.

[enna]

I wish, dear Heidi, I had a magic potion to deliver to you that would make all your heartache disappear. I don’t, but I do have a listening ear that is available to you for as long as you need it. I hear the pain in your heart. Many of us have had and are dealing with the pain of our soulmates not being here with us.

The early morning hours of my Jim’s death on May 25, 2012 brought me to my knees. I sat in silence for three hours not wanting to believe that he had taken his last breath. I kept checking to see if I could feel the least bit of air coming from his mouth or if I could see some movement in his chest. I cried to be taken with him thinking that I could not live without him. I struggled for months saying over and over again my life belongs with you ~ I didn’t want to continue living.

I think it is a natural reaction for any of us who grieve. After all, we have lost a part of us. No one could understand the pain I was in ~ our children don’t, our best friends don’t, those who we thought would understand didn’t, and most of the time I was left dealing with this alone.

Those thoughts passed over the months. It didn’t come easy. I had to work on my grief ~ I read, sought grief counseling, took e-courses from experts, read some more, planned rituals, found solace here on this very forum. I have been working on my grief for almost 24 months now and I am in a better place.

I love life and am grateful each day that I awake. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss my Jim like hell and will until my time comes. In the mean time I have chosen to live.

I say a little prayer each morning ~ thank you, thank you. I love not seeing a tag around my big toe because I have things that are not finished yet.

I know from where you are coming, Heidi, and I hear what you are saying. Remember, the thoughts that come into our mind are just thoughts. I used a special tool when I started to get down on myself and that was to brush my hair saying over and over again, “You will get through this.”

Find a tool, Heidi, and you will find a way. You will find a way to say “yes” to life even if you don’t want too right now. {{{hugs}}}

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Heidi,

I think that when the angels hear your prayers, they will give you relief from the pain, not take you away. You need to be out of pain, not out of life. I cannot imagine any Beloved wanting us to join them before our time.

There are some wonderful writings on how to begin to release some of the pain, and I don't know of any way that is recommended that is not helpful to someone here on this forum. We are each unique, so how we find some solace and relief from the pain is different for every person.

As Anne said so very eloquently, "Those thoughts passed over the months. It didn’t come easy. I had to work on my grief ~ I read, sought grief counseling, took e-courses from experts, read some more, planned rituals, found solace here on this very forum. I have been working on my grief for almost 24 months now and I am in a better place." it takes a lot of work and courage to make this journey. And the tools Anne used are available to everyone. You might want to try some of them, just to see if you get some relief from the pain. You have more options than leaving. I know it is your choice, but I don't think you have looked at other options for very long or very much yet. Why not try focusing on some other things that you can do where you are that might give you some insights and some comfort?

I wanted to die, and I do know what you are feeling, really. Not exactly the same of course, because we are each unique and different. But I can relate to your sense of wanting to go just to escape the terrible pain and crushing grief. I am so sorry you are having such a terribly difficult time. And I know it feels as though things will never get better. I still miss Doug every day, and some days the loneliness and grief are overwhelming. But please try some of the tools, just to see if you can ease the pain a little bit.

At the end of the day, besides my prayers that I have done for ages, after Doug left I started writing down things to be grateful for each day. That helped a lot to balance my perspective. Even with all the traumas and horrible things going on, I could see that someone was still watching out for me, protecting me, caring for me. I know it is Doug, and I also know he wants me to stay alive and to get well. I have been surrounded by so many amazing miracles, even the doctors here are amazed. And I know my darling, disciplined, centered, compassionate and caring husband is watching over me every second. Tears are flowing as I type this, because I feel Doug here with me, and I feel wonderfully blessed.

Open your heart to just a few of the good things around you. For one thing, you found us. Slowly, the good things will begin to heal your heart, and you will find balance returning every so slowly, but at least you will not fall off the edge. Give it a try.

Blessings,

fae

[KarenK]

Oh Heidi, if only I could reach across the miles just to give you a hug. I too, hear your sadness and despair. I know how hard it is to be surrounded by this fog and pain. Believe me, we all do. I truly think that even though a year has passed since Ron left, I still spend a lot of time feeling numb. I'll probably always refer to things he said and did because like you, I spent more than half my life with him.

I'm sorry that it is difficult for your children to talk with you. Their grief is so different from ours and I think ours is sometimes hard for them to comprehend. I know they are there for you, but just don't understand. It must be hard for children to take on the role of protector for the one who has always protected them.

Because of Ron's many health issues, it was sort of a given that he would precede me and each of us knew that somehow the other could go on alone. The crazy guy even told me I wouldn't have any trouble finding someone else. NOT!!! I will always hear the echo of his words "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone". Never a truer word spoken. He knew that one of us must stay for the children and grandchildren.

Please, please hang on Heidi! We are always here for you. It really will get a little bit better.

Luv,

Karen

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Heidi

I think we all know how pointless it is to expect uour children to share our grief (if we are lucky to have them). I don't cry in front of them and I try to shield them from my feelings. In fact I don't share my grief with anyone except on line. But that is so helpful. I read so much about grief. I think after two years those who don't know grief would think I am wallowing in grief, but it isn't that. I need it to remain in my right mind. I think you may find that your memories of this awful time are gone when you look back in the future. I don't remember much about the first year even though our little grand daughter was born the day before Pete died and so I spent that year helping her mother, punctuated by periods of rest at home. But in my memory it's a blank and this must mean something. I did write a lot and looking back on my notes brings it back but not in a good way.

I think endurance is all we can give it. And just plodding on one moment at a time. And trying to keep busy. And looking after ourselves. And writing our thought on this forum. It's obvious that Robert was your entire world and his loss is unbearable. We know how you feel (though we are all quick to say no one really knows). Our pain is similar but not identical. I wish we could say something really helpful but I think if you go back and re read what some of us have said you will at least feel the strong sense of empathy passing through.

I hope today won't bring too much pain for you.

Jan

[mfh]

Dear Heidi,

I am so sorry your days are so full of pain and longing not to be here. I wish I had words that would comfort and assure you that with time and work grief does change. I know you miss Robert as all of us miss our partners and some days are worse than others. I still have some bad times but nothing at all like the first year when many days I did not want to be here either. I hope you can allow yourself to find some purpose or meaning to life (some passion or volunteer work or something you just enjoy). I know words like "enjoy" or "purpose" don't mean a lot to you right now. I do understand that. I can't emphasize enough how reading some of the articles about grief that are right here on the "Significant Quotes" topic or on Marty's blog could help you. I hope you might take a peek if you haven't already. I hold you in my heart.

Mary

[MartyT]

Heidi, my dear, I just want to add my voice to the others, reminding you that when you are here with us, you are among many who have been exactly where you are now, having lived through many of the exact same feelings that you are experiencing now. I know that there are precious few places where you can go to feel safe enough to disclose exactly what is on your mind, because all too often the raw pain of grief can scare other people ~ especially those who love us and want so badly for us to feel better. As raw and as ugly as those feelings may be, no one here will ever try to talk you out of what you are feeling. Here we are not afraid of grief, and we're not afraid of your pain, because we understand it. We simply want to assure you that we do understand. We do care about you, we are here for you, and we will not let you walk this path alone. ♥

[boogieman]

Morning Ladies. Lots has transpired in the last several days. It has now been 3 days since the 13 month Memorial Service for My Paula.

My thoughts are almost exactly the same now as then. Complete lack of understanding as to how to go on alone.

I have tried prayer, light meditation, distractions, writing daily, keeping busy, etc., and I still come back to the face the

reality of not wanting to continue on alone. It is not just a matter of my deep grief, turmoil, and pain. I can learn to deal with and adjust to that.

It is an extremely deep-seated desire to be with My Paula where we were both so very happy and secure in each other. That sense of security

and belonging is gone for all intent and purposes. Yes I carry her in my heart constantly but that is not enough.

I need to be in her immediate presence. To touch, and see her, to experience the all consuming love pouring out of her for me, and mine for her.

To be able to share, directly, face to face, the wonders of such a life changing and love affirming relationship.

My Paula said several times "You will find someone better and get remarried someday". I could never even consider the prospects of replacing My Love with another. There are no betters. Preposterous at best but My Paula's means of testing me. I would never diminish the love and passion I feel for her by looking to another for consolation. I did that once and learned the lesson quite well. Ours' is a once-in-a-lifetime affair that can never be equaled much less replaced. My life is directly connected to My Paula's. Without her I am nothing.

For almost a year I panicked every time the phone rang for fear that I would not answer the phone before the answering machine activated with

My Loves' voice there. Now, more often than not, I allow it to do its thing just so I can hear the sweetness of My Loves' voice.

What other choice do I have? It is that or memories, and memories fade.

I choose to not work on grief as, for me, the effort increases the distance between me and My Love. I choose to not do anything to intentionally

distance My Paula from me. The gulf is too wide already. Keeping hold of the pain is my manner of keeping My Love in the present as badly as

that hurts. It is a small price to pay for the love I received from her. Relieving my pain in no way lessens my deep seated longing for My Love.

So I plod on alone and in pain. This is real. This is what I have without My Love here to guide and comfort me. I accept it gladly.

I think of little else but being with My Love. There is no better place for me than with her. Certainly not here alone. We belong together.

I recently watched the movie of Johnny Cash's life. I did not know that he and June were married for 35 years. She passed away in 2011.

He passed away only 4 months later. My immediate thoughts were "how lucky was he" to be able to rejoin his love so quickly.

I envy him that. I want that. I need that.

Maybe my experience is different than others. I have no way of knowing other than my experience. I openly pour my heart out here

to express my honest feelings. My Paula was and is my entire world. I am even more assured, confident, and comfortable, knowing,

believing, that I belong with her, not here alone, sad, and so very uncomfortable in my own skin, over my head in a completely

un-acceptable circumstance. One that shows little promise of improving. I have nothing to prove or gain by hanging on so tenaciously

to an agonizingly sad and lonely life when I can easily join My Love and solve all the issues I struggle with.

I appreciate all the support, suggestions, and understanding. I try to incorporate them in my daily existence but so far not much has

improved my lot. I am still hopelessly, passionately, in love with My Paula and miss her more than I can bear. I need to be with her.

I desperately seek the means of my transition to My Love, my salvation. Some of us can not, will not, ever accept the cruelty and loss

thrust upon us. Nor will some of us ever learn to "adjust" when we choose to not do so.

Chris