Changes I'm Making

[KATPILOT]

Well, there ya go Kayc. You know what is right and what makes sense. We are who we needed to be and the more educated we become, the more deeply we live.

[Wifflesnook]

What resonates with me most of what you said is about the neediness. I think we here understand that. I grew into my relationship with my Pete from a young age (I was only 20) so we became entwined early. But we were always our own persons nevertheless. Now that I'm alone I don't need another person to complete me because the only person who could do that isn't here physically. He is within me. Ok I need him but I'm realistic enough to know that I can never have him. For me another relationship will never happen. I had one offered to me and I learnt from that offer (if I needed to) that it was not for me. I know we should never say never but ....

What I do know is that we shouldn't enter another relationship through neediness because it wouldn't work.

Anne, I'm just the same with regard to the sadness. I can feel joy and it usually comes from my beloved grand daughters. I can make myself comfortable. But the sadness will never leave me. Sometimes I feel so wretchedly alone. When I feel that way I turn it around to feeling glad that I'm bearing this awful sadness for Pete who never had to know it. Any loving relationship has to end with one of the couple bearing this misery. Isn't that so very sad? But isn't it true? Unless both die together.

I guess I ought to end these thoughts on a positive note but it's difficult. But I was so fortunate and so was Pete. And so we're all of us here. Our continuing presence shows that. Jan

[kayc]

I agree with you whoeheartedly, Jan. Our need for our spouse was born not out of neediness but because we fit together so beautifully and complemented one another's personality and being. That need or desire has not changed, just our ability to have it. We've had to learn to do without it, and that's been so very hard. I, too, have an awareness that I am very very alone. It's not marriage in itself that takes that away, for I have been married four times and the only one in which I did not feel alone was my marriage with George. What takes away that aloneness is knowing there is another person there that cares, that notices you exist, that is there through thick and thin. I know if there was a way to fulfill that in us, our spouses would continue to fill that, but with them being in a different level of existence, that isn't possible.

I like how some seem to get little signs that they are present. I wish I could. Maybe he's trying and I'm not getting it, maybe I don't put two and two together, I don't know, but I'm glad for those who are getting that reassurance. My love with George started faith-based and I guess it continues that way. We both have to continue our faith in each other and in our love that will see us through until we are reunited at last.

[enna]

How perfect is this quote for some of us?

[Wifflesnook]

Yes that is also what I meant when I said earlier that I'd prefer it is me who has to be bereft and not Pete. I'm not an unselfish person really but I think deep love makes us truly want the best for our loved one.

[KATPILOT]

Oh that is so perfect Anne! Thanks for sharing it. That is exactly what honoring them sounds like.

[enna]

I am so glad you have come to this section of the forum, Stephen. There are many of us who have been living with our loss for awhile now and this seems to be a good place for us.

Yes, we have lost our spouses but we are no longer in early grief and many of us have or are trying to weave our loss into new lives.

Thank you for acknowledging some of my posts. I am still in the need of having my grief validated ~ perhaps an insecurity of mine in not wanting my Jim to be forgotten.

Our forum seems to be the only place where we can still openly talk about our loss.

Anne

A few of us took one of Megan Devine's writing workshops some time ago and it changed my life. I have been writing in my journal for quite awhile and find that when I write from the heart I am changed. Most of what I write I do not share, but I don't have to.

I really like this quote for it speaks to what we do here.

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, it warms my heart that you find Megan's words "speak to what we do here" also ~ and I couldn't agree with you more! ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for continuing to cast these beautiful pearls before very appreciative "silk purses".* Thank you for all the gifts you bring to us. I am so glad you can see the positive outcome of your writing workshop. You do write beautifully. Thank you.

*I mean by that reference to silk purses that we have each felt impossibly broken, broken-hearted, bereft, and off balance. Other. Lost and alien to our own separate, solo life. And as we heal, our feelings of the impossibility of having any joy or grace in our lives —or any beauty—is being replaced slowly by hope, dreams, and the confidence that we can make a beautiful new life, in harmony with our healing. And since the healing process seems to be asymptotic so far, I guess we will be always growing in awareness, hope, dreams, and confidence. It is a nice outlook. To quote Seuss, "Oh, the places you'll go!" I feel that among us now.

I appreciate being a member of this Tribe more than I can say. Thank you for bringing me in around this warming, healing fire. Thank you Marty, for your healing fire.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Kay,

I'm just now catching up after a busy two weeks, so just read what you wrote about the marriage forum. You go, Girl! I add my applause with all the others who applauded you. You are right in what you said. You said it well. Marty told you what I would have liked to say had I found your post earlier, and she said it so beautifully. Now, I'll go back and read what everyone else had to say. My ancestral genes acted up on your behalf, so I needed to respond.

Carrie

[kayc]

Yes, we weave our grief into our lives. I was just talking to my sister on the phone yesterday about how this ten year mark is hitting me hard. There's something about hitting a decade that grabs your attention. My dad's birthday is June 10, George's is June 14 and then his death day is both June 19 AND Father's Day. That's a lot of hard days in June in a span of 11 days. I told her how hard it is to face the anniversary of George's death alone, always alone. She said, "Yes but you have (friend) to talk to on the phone." What??! How does that help? She just truly doesn't get it. She said she'd LIKE to be alone sometimes. The key word is "sometimes". Not when you have to be day in, day out, and didn't choose to be! Not when you were married to your best friend and he didn't irritate you, you LOVED being around him! She doesn't have a clue. And when she broke her arm her husband was there for her, helping her to the bathroom, fixing meals for her, etc. When I broke my arm I had to figure out how to carry my groceries in, take out my garbage, vacuum, ALONE. Nope, they don't get it.

[feralfae]

Kay, dear,

We here get it. It is so very tough to learn to be doing this life solo. You actually do it with great grace and clarity. I am constantly amazed at your focus, independence, determination, courage, and how grounded you are. You have a wonderful streak of the practical that I wish I had more than I have.

I have given up trying to explain to people how tough these "grief days" can be, especially when I get clusters of days all close to each other. Your June is like my May was. I am going to be sending special {{{hugs}}} to you these next couple of weeks, because I know how much it can hurt to have the anniversaries of special days stack up on top of each other, all bringing their own measure of sadness, grief, and longing. Fortunately, those days also bring wonderful memories to warm and heal our hearts. I think getting through those special days will always be a time of remembering and grieving for us, and I think you have learned to acknowledge that, honor your grief, and to meet those days with grace.

You cannot help that you have a sometimes clueless sister. We are here for you. {{{hugs}}} Peace to your grieving heart this month and beyond. I know this is a challenging time for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I believe as Fae does, Kay. You have from the beginning of my grief journey showed a strength that I admire. I understand how family don’t “get” our daily struggles. How could they? I have tried talking with people and either I’ve received the silent treatment or a quick “sorry.”

I have you in my heart during this month as you work through memories. We are here for you.

[Wifflesnook]

Everyone

I think we have all realise that other people done get it. Maybe they can't get it. And like Anne I come here because it's the only place I can find people who understand that I need to have my sadness and loss acknowledged. Kay, I'm so sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. You give so much to others. Please receive a big hug from England and thanks.

[kayc]

Thank you, all of you. I think tomorrow I will go to the valley to get some groceries, it takes most of the day as it's so far. It'sll take my mind off things. I'm supposed to have Praise Team practice tomorrow night but I'll be beat, I think I'll stay home tomorrow night since I'm not on this Sunday anyway, and I'll call Mitch...it's Tammy's birthday. I don't know if he has to work or not. You're right, we ARE the ones that "get it".

[enna]

Some days just seem more rushed than others. Today is one of those days. I need to take some time to settle my mind.

[MartyT]

I love it

[enna]

A wrap-up with Kelly Buckley after my six weeks of an online retreat titled A Resilient Life ~ I disliked that the retreat came to an end but look forward to the Fall when Kelly will offer another one.

Here are a few highlights from my perspective:

Just as this forum is our ‘safe place’ so was the online retreat.

Here on the forum we recognize that our grief is individual and where each one of us is at this time is okay.

Just as we are learning to be empathetic to one another’s grief journey so were we encouraged to see with an open heart and mind the grief journey of others.

The retreat wasn’t just about grief. It was also about loss and accountability and about how we can build our resilience.

We started out with the ‘power of choice.’ Are we ready to make change? What is it that we can control now? Do we have a purpose or are we moving toward one? We know that we will hurt but we are resilient and we can manage it.

Resilience is “the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens.” We each have suffered a loss ~ a loss that changed who we were. We are shattered and we will not return to who we once were. It is not a bad thing.

Here on the forum we have talked about what the Japanese do when they mend a broken object ~ they fill the crack with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful. That is what will happen to each one of us. We first have our own ‘grief work’ to do and we have talked about that here also.

One thing we all learn is that change is a natural part of life. This is a hard pill to swallow when change is sudden and doesn’t make sense. Change is not fair. Change can be brutal and devastating. So, why should we accept that it is a natural part of life?

Well, change is constant. The seasons come and go, the sunrise and sunsets happen and children are born and others die ~ so, why do we have such a hard time with death?

The first thing we do is retreat, but at some time we need to re-engage.

I believe that when we come here to the forum we are choosing to connect. We slowly gain hope and connect with those who we can align ourselves with.

We have heard it before ~ we cannot control how someone dies, but we can choose how we react to it.

I liked how Kelly reminded us that we can choose to be happy. We begin slow and set goals that we can accomplish.

The next thing talked about was that it is okay to sit with our emotions. We can allow things to bubble up. We can write about what we are feeling. We can allow the emotions without judging them.

Pain hurts. We learn to not push it away.

At some point we decide to re-engage ~ our forum is a safe place to do that ~ it gives us a space that we need ~ it helps us to understand that we are not alone ~ we start where we are and there are no judgments.

We sit with our grief. We acknowledge the emotions that arise instead of denying them. The pain is real and as we accept the pain as part of our experience, we are truly accepting ourselves.

This doesn’t happen overnight ~ it takes as long as it takes. How often have we heard this?

“Each time I pause to go within, I draw closer to who I am.” ~Kelly Buckley

Taking the time to write down our thoughts helps to calm our minds. I have found that doing my pencil coloring or creating videos or listening to music is cathartic for me ~ you may find your own exercise. I know some of you write poems, some put together photo albums, one directs and acts in plays and another throws himself into projects that educate others about diseases we have not even heard of ~ we each learn to do what feeds our soul.

Many of us here have turned to nature for healing ~ birding, spending time hiking or gardening~ whatever it is we chose to do we are slowing down and allowing ourselves to be split open ~ to face our fears ~ giving ourselves permission to grieve.

It is a fact that we are still broken and we will never be the same. We don’t like what life has handed us and that is okay.

Part of our healing can come if we find something to be thankful for each day.

In her online retreat, Kelly Buckley says to find just ‘one little thing’ – something in nature – or something that can’t be bought. – It’s important to ask ~ am I living a very grateful life?

So, I find just ‘one little thing’ ~I write it down –I find something every day to be grateful for

· Jim’s message on the answering machine – I can’t erase it – I still listen to it

· for my tears

· for all the people I’ve met on my journey

I want people to say that I continued to live on – that I believe in myself ~ even on the toughest days and there are more of those days right now

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude.” ~ A. A. Milne

“The more I forgive the more my heart opens to love.” ~ Kelly Buckley

“As I focus on compassion, I naturally relate to others with love and understanding.” ~ Kelly Buckley

Forgiving myself for anything I think I didn’t do when caring for Jim. Forgiving myself for not doing more. Forgiving myself for expecting others to be more attentive or understanding of my situation. Letting what I did be enough.

“Be like the bird who, resting in his flight on a twig too slight,
Feels it bend beneath him yet sings, knowing he has wings.”

~ Victor Hugo

Summing up: I accept that I may not be all of these things, but I am working toward them.

I choose to look for the good around me, I am aware of my emotions, I am grateful for the good around me, I can express my feelings - I am able to forgive – I recognize that forgiveness frees me and opens my heart

All the things above come together for ‘a resilient life’ which was the topic for this retreat.

There is one thing missing – the thread of belief – I ask what’s my own belief system? I frame it according to what I believe.

When asked what kind of a group our retreat group was Kelly said ~ “this is a human group – we do not feel that we are excluded”

Our forum is a place where we receive comfort – find gratitude from each other –

Whatever our beliefs are, there is room for all of us here ~ we do not judge, we accept one another and respect one another’s differences and beliefs.

How perfect is that!

[Wifflesnook]

It's perfect Anne. Thank you. I'm working on acceptance. No I tell a lie. I'm not but I should be. I've read what you've written and its time to get up as it's almost 8 am here. I will return to it. Thank you. X

[MartyT]

I am so grateful to you, Anne, for sharing with all of us what you've learned in Kelly's retreat ~ and I love that you've applied it to all that this site has to offer our members. Just wonderful. From my heart to yours, thank you! ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

I first read your great piece on Resilience last night, and realized I need to have a study on the subject myself. I read it again this morning, and yet there is still more to ponder. As always, you've studied, learned, and graciously shared with us what you've learned. You've given me much to much to think about. Thank you for being a blessing to me.

Hugs,

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Make that just one "much," rather than two.

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne.

May I echo all that has been said already, and add another "Thank you" to the chorus?

Your generosity of spirit, your compelling attitude as a gifted teacher, and your willingness to share your own process with us enriches all our lives and provides insights into issues we face and challenges we accept. Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Thank you for bringing us that piece, Anne. Resilience, I have learned, is one of the most important things I can possess...you never know when you'll need it and when you need it, it helps to have worked on it in your life already.

[feralfae]

I love reading all the responses.

fae