Changes I'm Making

[kayc]

So good to have you home, Fae! I imagine it's a double edged sword as it's always good to be home, but, my oh my, I imagine it's hard to leave the beautiful Tetons and wildlife! I get fresh organic eggs through a neighbor down the street, can't beat $2/dozen either! They are far superior to any you could buy in a store.

I remember making popovers when my kids were young, I think they viewed them as kind of magic and it was fun to put something inside of them when they were done.

[MartyT]

Welcome home, dear Fae ♥

[KATPILOT]

Nice to see your words Fae.

When I was listening to a song a while back, the lyrics made me think about changes.

It's called "I've Been Waiting" by Sixpense.

"So I'm changing who I am,

Cause what I ams not good"

It made me realize that I had a bit more growing to do which became a goal for me recently.

I needed to crawl out of darkness and though I still can't see the light, looking down appears much more dark than where I am right now. I found myself thinking "if I could just lose the twenty pounds I gained after Kathy died, I might live a bit longer. That's the first time I've thought with optimism in a long long time.

[feralfae]

"...I might live a bit longer. That's the first time I've thought with optimism in a long long time."

We slowly move into hope and dare to have dreams again, don't we? It must be the season, because I have just begun to feel that I have energy to do more things, and to also, like you, crawl further out of the darkness. What I have found remarkable lately is how as this "new me" emerges, I seem to be shifting in how I value friends. People who were friends a few years ago seem to have fallen away, and new friends have moved into more inner circles of my life. This may be growth, or simply shift, but the changes feel good and make me realize how my values have altered these last three plus years.

I am feeling my own optimism return. I think I have finally forgiven myself for not being able to save Doug's life or to protect him from his family. But I did the best I could and I am finally am allowing myself the compassion to know that.

So here we go—many of us—moving into more light, more shifts, and more health. I am so very proud of us all.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

How fitting this is for us. Thank you, Megan Devine (Refuge in Grief), for this photo.

[kayc]

I'm glad we have this tribe to sit with.

[MartyT]

♥

[enna]

I promised myself after Jim died that I would create some YouTube videos about my grief journey. This is my second video and it is one that has a great deal of memory for me. The music is called ‘Toselli Serenada’ with Andre Rieu (I purchased this music on iTunes) and the collection of photos is one that I have on my Pinterest Boards or in my personal collection. It is a song that Jim listened to during his last hours. His eyes sparkled as he listened to ‘Toselli Serenada’ and his hand moved back and forth as if directing an orchestra. Jim loved anything nature and his favorites were birds and flowers. He spent hours whistling along with the birds as he sat on the patio and loved when the yard was filled with flowers. I’m talking about all the torch glow bougainvillea, green cloud sage, trailing rosemary, gold mound lantana, desert honeysuckle, red and orange hibiscus, the yellow bird of paradise bushes, pink oleander bushes, little johns, silver cloud sage, blue ruellia bushes, verbena, and a bunch of cactus that when they flower are breathtaking. The Australian Willow and the Shamel Ash trees after being replanted due to monsoon damage have been replaced with Olive trees and white flowering laurel trees.

Actually, when I’m out in the yard I feel Jim’s presence all around me. Hummers, bees, butterflies, and birds are always around. Right now I am seeing more finch singing in the little johns. The colors are vivid. And Jim would love taking care of the fruit trees that are so plentiful that I could have my own farmer’s market. It’s a good thing we share around here. Most of us do not buy fruit or herbs in the store around here.

Putting the videos together is bittersweet. It’s part of my healing. I call this video Serenade. Its best viewed in full screen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=23&v=1f9WkwMdfOo

[feralfae]

Dearest Anne,

I know Jim is smiling. What a beautiful tribute to Jim, so filled with the wonder of nature all around you, and the music of men mixed with the music of the birds! How very perfect. Thank you, dear one, for this perfect tribute to Jim.

Peace to your heart.

fae

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

Jerry says that I am to tell you that we enjoyed your video very much, and that you did an exceptional work. He particularly liked the bird couples (I could tell by his low, sweet laugh each time). He says that you made good choices of all of your selections, and I think I've told you he really likes Andre Rieu's music and concerts. We enjoyed glimpses of yesteryear when we traveled so much when we saw the desert scenes. I add my amen.

Thank you for helping us know your Jim better, and for sharing your heart and great talent with us. What a happy way to begin our day! Thank you.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[MartyT]

Truly a beautiful work of art, dear Anne ~ and a fitting tribute to your beloved. Thank you for sharing it here with all of us ♥

[Wifflesnook]

I watched it instead of my meditation. It's beautiful and what a lovely tribute Anne.

[enna]

All of us who come here are standing in the open. The way I see it we all are oaks of the forest.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

^How beautiful and perfect. Yes, being here around our healing fire is most certainly standing in the open. Perhaps one of the most significant benefits of standing here, opening our hearts to each other and to he vicissitudes of emotional phases as we mourn, is that we are forced to look within ourselves and find ways to express our feelings to others, even as we learn this new language of grief. We listen to others, and to ourselves, and we learn new lessons on grieving with purpose and with compassion for ourselves and others.

I am slowly learning to pay attention to the soft messages that it is time to move on, to shift my focus more to living this life I am in now. And here, standing alone and acknowledging the alone-ness of my life, I am learning to be stronger, even without the protection and warmth of Doug's loving presence.

I am reminded of the "shaking of the saplings" to make the little trees stronger as they send up slender stalks to claim a share of the sunshine. Shaking the saplings makes them stronger. We have been shaken, are still being shaken. And we are still standing.

I hope you are having a lovely Sunday.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Yes, thank you, Anne.

I can relate to you fae when you say you feel stronger, even without Doug's presence...I am too, although not a day goes by but what I don't think of George continually and miss him. He is ever a part of me even as I do my life alone, if that makes sense.

[enna]

This so reminded me of what happens when we open ourselves fully to the pain we are feeling in our grief. I remember spending time pushing it away because it was too painful to allow the reality of death to surface. Now it's like I don't want it to go away. I want the pain because it seems to keep me closer to Jim. In my healing, I am beginning to create small rituals that allow me to keep the love alive only in a very different way.

June 7, 2015

When Pain Comes Our Way
Honoring All Experiences

by Madisyn Taylor

It is important when pain comes our way to honor the experience as it is usually a great teacher.

Honoring the experiences we have in our lives is an invaluable way to communicate with life, our greatest teacher. We do this when we take time at night to say what we are thankful for about our day and also when we write in a journal. Both of these acts involve consciously acknowledging the events of our lives so that they deepen our relationship to our experiences. This is important because it brings us into closer connection with life, and with the moment. Only when we acknowledge what�s happening to us can we truly benefit from life�s teachings.

It is especially important when pain comes our way to honor the experience because our natural tendency is to push it away and move past it as quickly as possible. We tend to want to brush it under the rug. Yet, if we don�t, it reveals itself to be a great friend and teacher. As counterintuitive as it seems, we can honor pain by thanking it and by welcoming it into the space of our lives. We all know that often the more we resist something, the longer it persists. When we honor our pain, we do just the opposite of resisting it, and, as a result, we create a world in which we can own the fullness of what life has to offer.

We can honor a painful experience by marking it in some way, bringing ourselves into a more conscious relationship with it. We might mark it by creating a work of art, performing a ritual, or undertaking some other significant act. Sometimes all we need to do is light a candle in honor of what we�ve gone through and what we�ve learned. No matter how small the gesture, it will be big enough to mark the ways in which our pain has transformed us, and to remind us to recognize and value all that comes our way in this life.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes that is how I am too. It's evening here and I'm going to light my candle so Pete can be with me somehow.

[kayc]

I have learned through my experience, just what you speak of, Anne. I've learned to embrace my grief, as strange as that may sound. I doubt anyone who has not been there could get what I'm talking about, so it's a subject I rarely talk about. There is so much I've learned on this journey.

[Wifflesnook]

Kay, it doesn't sound strange to me. The grief is so tangled up now with the love, and the missing them, and the loneliness that we need to embrace it. That is why I can't relate to the moving on. I don't want to move on as whatever anyone says to me, to me it means moving away and I can never move away. I am defined by my love for Pete. Maybe if I were younger it might be different. I don't know. But the best of my life has been lived with Pete. I love our grand daughters deeply and I want to remain as well as I can so that I can be part of their lives. But really I am a shadow of what I was. The odd thing is I can pretend so well to be all here and fool people. But I don't need to pretend here.

[enna]

Those of us who have been on this grief journey know all to well that we are forever changed. Each one of us does it in our own way because of our own uniqueness. When I look in a mirror now I see who I was and who I am now. I'm not better just different.

Missing our loved ones will always be a given. What I am learning is that we begin to weave them into our new lives.

I am not always sad, but I have many sad moments. Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me and I wonder what my life is going to be about now that Jim is gone. My joy is different, but I still have joy in my life. When I Skype my daughter and grandchildren I find myself laughing and loving how they bring joy to my life.

It's the long, quiet hours in a day that I dream about what we could have done during our retirement. Our dreams of taking a cruise along the outer banks of Alaska or spending time up in Washington never came true. Perhaps someday I'll be able to do something like that on my own and actually enjoy it. Now is not the time. I know it is not ever going to be as it was and this alone makes me sad. Sad is not a bad thing so I guess I'll just sit with it for awhile. I am learning to sit with my pain ~ a few years ago I could not.

[KATPILOT]

I can so relate to what you have written Anne. Grandchildren do have a way of bringing joy to our lives. We do have a life to live and it will never be the same. It doesn't have to be horrible, but it will be different. I know that I am going to do some of the things we would have done because it pleases me to do so and I know Kathy would want that of me. I will be alone in Hawaii this September and I can guarantee it won't be the same. Just different........and that thought no longer scares me.

It took more than four years to get this far. This is what I can do today. Imagine what I can do tomorrow.

[kayc]

I like the safety and respect we share here. I belong to another forum (about marriage) that I have been on for years. Today I checked in there as it'd been a long while, and I responded to a poster. Well I ended up having my post dissected and attacked point by point, they made way more of it than it was originally. Mitch suggested that I just let it go and not take it to heart, so I did, but it made me feel like I didn't want to be there and didn't fit in there any more. The post was about how I felt whole, just me, without someone else. I have worked hard to get to that point because when George first died, I felt ripped in half. Now I feel that I am a whole person, just as he was a whole person and collectively we had a marriage that was a whole together that surpassed anything that two of us could have been alone. Does that make sense? The person responding said I shouldn't be posting there because it's a MARRIAGE forum and she felt I was advocating not marrying. I'm not advocating anything for anyone else, just saying that for myself, I feel okay alone. I feel I deserve applause for reaching that point because believe me, it didn't come easy getting there! I think all of you know what I'm talking about! What a long ways we've come. She felt I had "psychobabble" that wouldn't be advocated there. ??? Whatever!

[kayc]

Hi, Stephen, I can relate to what you've said here too (our posts crossed), and know fully what you're talking about. Yes, a few years ago we couldn't have gone/done something alone and felt comfortable with it. A round of applause for you too!

[MartyT]

Oh Kay. Oh my. You DO deserve applause, and I hope you can hear all of us clapping our hands together for you!

Of course we know what you are talking about, and we all know how far you have come. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

What you have learned about being a whole person in your own right is something that many people never, ever learn. Being a whole person does not mean that you are incapable of loving another or that you are unwilling to do so. It means that if and when you do give your love to another, it is selfless and pure ~ it does not stem from your own neediness.

I think what you are saying is that when two whole, healthy people come together in love, the "whole" they become is greater than the sum of its parts. Each person can stand as an individual being apart from the other, but together they can become something else entirely, as the love they have for each other can bring out the best in both of them. The love you have with George is that kind of love, and you are a better, stronger person for having known and loved him. Now that you have internalized that love, you can stand (and "feel okay") alone.

[kayc]

That's exactly what I mean! And yes, I mentioned "neediness" and they thought that was a good thing to go into marriage with! I disagree! I guess I don't belong there any more. I did notice said responder gave me more lip and another person came to my defense...uhh, so done!