Changes I'm Making

[enna]

 

Here are a few links that might be of help to those who struggle with staying asleep or even falling asleep. 

Using Music to Help with Sleep

Relaxing Soft Piano Music

Relaxing Music to Send You into Dream Land

 

 

[JeL]

Marty,

Thank you for the reading resources. I've skimmed several and will sit thoughtfully and read more this holiday weekend.

As my grief evolves, I feel joy and potential for more emerging. It's an interesting balance....a bit of guilt, still deep sadness for losing my husband & 30-year best friend, hopeful for my future and wanting to share my heart again. For this growth and my insight on these changes happening, I'm thankful.

best to all this Thanksgiving weekend.

 

[enna]

http://www.gratefulness.org/resource/a-good-day/  

Blessings to all on this Thanksgiving Day. I am thankful for your presence in my life. 

[kayc]

Cute picture, but I couldn't get it to play the video.  ???

[MartyT]

It takes a while to load, kay . . .

[enna]

I just finished watching the webinar “Finding Hope in the Holidays” with Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley, Alan Pedersen, and Mitch Carmody. Marty had posted this webinar on her Tips for Handling the Holidays under Tools for Healing. Its focus was on proactive grieving. We have choices ~ sometimes we can’t celebrate and sometimes we have to (if there are children involved). Recognize self-care in the first year. It takes time. Grief changes us. We need to breathe. Baby steps are needed during this time. Do only what you want to. Accept that it may not be a Happy New Year.

On Traditions ~ do only what you want to do. You have choices. Do something different.

Be honest ~ do what you want to do. If you decide to go to a gathering and it’s too much for you ~ leave. If you want to be alone ~ be alone.

Don’t feel guilty if you are having a good time.  Go to a funny movie ~ laugh ~ it’s okay. You don’t have to feel guilty.

Reach out to others. Ask for help. Go for a walk. Grief can be very stressful.

This webinar will play again on the Open to Hope website or their YouTube page in the next few days. I’ll post the link when it is up.

I find that the more we learn about what’s normal in grief and the more we allow our grief to be voiced the healthier it will be for us.

 

 

[MartyT]

Excellent summary as always, dear Anne. Blessings to you, and thank you! (As to your last statement about healthy grieving, I couldn't agree with you more. Yes. Amen.)  ♥

[enna]

From Kleenex to Toilet Paper and then Paper Towels ~ I have come a long way.

There’s something about crying when you are grieving. In the early days of my grief after my Jim died, I did not cry. I sat for many weeks in a numb state. After the initial weeks of tending to “things” almost in a rote manner, I slowly began to feel that tears were going to start. At first I cried privately. In bed and under the covers seemed to be a safe place to release the emotions that were held in for a long time. The shower was another place I cried. I have always been a rather reserved person so when the sobs came and the nose filled up with snot it was hard for me to let the tears fall. Boxes of Kleenex worked for a while. Then I graduated to rolls of toilet paper. Later, I would grab rolls of paper towels. If I had to go out I always wore my glasses that turned dark when I was out. For the longest time, I wouldn’t leave the house without paper towels in the car. I didn’t mind when the tears came while I was home, but I had a hard time going anywhere knowing I might break down. Early on in my grief I left many different places because I lost control and had to find a safe place to cry. The car worked. A bathroom worked.

Living in AZ, I have many mountains around me. One day I drove up to the White Tank Mountains and sat on a rock and cried out loud. I scared myself.

Not everyone cries, but if you do let it be okay. There are no rules when we are grieving.

One thing I did learn during my crying spells was that the crying does stop. Some people think that if you start crying you won’t stop. You do. And in a way, you feel better after a good cry. Today, I do not cry as often as I did. The tears still come but not as often.

[MartyT]

Beautifully stated, dear Anne. Thank you for this. I hope all our members read it and take it to heart. ♥

[Wifflesnook]

I'm still unable to really cry as I've said before and it hasn't changed. I come from a family which didn't share emotions. I married into one which did but it's amazing how that early training goes so deep. Today a chap came to mend my washing machine. He said he last came when I was caring for Pete after the stroke. He said Pete was in bed in the living room. Thankfully he knew Pete had died and was sympathetic. I managed to tell him about the circumstances (Pete's death in the nursing home while I was the birth partner of our daughter) and managed to hold it together. I'd completely forgotten that he came then (my memories of that first year of bereavement are almost totally lacking). But I guess I've always cried when Pete was there to comfort me and I manage not to weep alone by distracting myself. This sounds odd even to me. Does it mean my grief is shallow? Oh no it certainly doesn't mean that. Tennyson spoke of Grief too deep for tears (or was it Shakespeare?) and I think your grief in that first year, Anne, was like that. And I know you've been able to cry since and I still dare not. It doesn't have anything to do with the depth of the grief but it does with inhibitions maybe. I'm thinking I should just accept it. The inhibitions are still strong in me. We tell each other, don't we? It is how it is. I still feel I could cry if I had someone to cry with. But I don't. Soon after Pete died my son and I sat and sobbed. And it was good sharing. But I don't think we can do it now. I think I have to accept that this is the way it is for me. 

Music may be my way into expressing grief. I'm reading Pete's journal for 1990 (many more to come) and it's totally wonderful. And he mentions a symphony concert we went to so I went onto iTunes and bought the Tchaikovsky violin concerto we heard. And that releases emotions both sad and happy. I think I should do this more often. Anne, I know music is important to you as it was to you and your beloved Jim. We just have to deal with what we are left with I suppose. And I know we are doing as well as we can. And they would be (are) proud of us for our courage.

[MartyT]

My dear Jan, we're all products of the way we were brought up, and if your family of origin was stoic and "didn't share emotions," that would certainly serve to explain why crying (especially in front of others) does not come easily to you. As I'm sure you've learned by now, we all respond to our losses differently according to our own personal histories, personalities, gender, relationship to the deceased, and on and on. If music feels like a safe and effective way into expressing your grief and releasing emotions both sad and happy, by all means use it. Yes, you ARE doing as well as you can. For your sake, I pray that (as Anne so often says) you will let that be enough. And yes, I feel certain that your beloved Pete is proud of you for your courage ~ and so am I.  ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Marty

its strange but I never articulated that before (or at least I don't think I did) as I've written before more than once about how I can cry properly and want to. And we know how as a generalisation men are brought up to hide their emotions and I think I've been raised the same. So it's not my fault lol! But seriously I do feel a need to sob only can't  contemplate doing it without a companion. My heart breaks to think of Anne crying alone. If only we could meet and sob together. So many of us cry alone.

[Wifflesnook]

I meant can't cry properly of course

[Wifflesnook]

The music worked. I'm sitting with tear listening to Bruch's violin concerto, another favourite of ours. Music bypasses the mind and goes straight to the heart doesn't it?

[MartyT]

Indeed it does, dear one. And I'm not at all sure what it meant to cry "properly."  I hope you won't put such conditions upon yourself, Jan. I too wish you and Anne could meet and cry together ~ but knowing you two as I do, I pray that you will find a way to do so virtually  ♥

[kayc]

Jan,

Tears are merely one expression, lack of them does not mean you loved him less or don't miss him, not at all!  It's just a release for us if we need it.  I'm not one that can control whether I do or don't cry, I neither hold it in, nor worry about it if it doesn't happen.  Many of us who have been in this grief journey for quite some time, have learned to carry it within us...but that doesn't mean we don't still feel sad or lonely or just miss them like all get out!  My son is one who was conditioned by his dad not to cry, yet he cried when George died...and then thought something was wrong with him for it.  I told him there was nothing wrong with him, it's called grief.  But the lack of tears don't mean anything either.  If a person purposely tried to hold the tears in check, I would find that unhealthy, but if they just don't come, that's okay too!

[enna]

 

Part of my healing journey is due to my love of music. I am an emotional person and usually wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry and laugh at any type of music. Today, I have music playing in the house most of the time.

Jan, so many of us find music to be helpful. One thing this forum has allowed us to do is to be virtual supporters to one another. We have had that opportunity to IM or email for over three years now. I find it healing to visit on the phone, email, IM, or even FB one another as we take our journeys. We find that we really are not alone. We also find that we learn from one another and as Kay says if the tears don’t come let that be okay.

Marty, some of us do keep in touch with one another. It would not happen if we had not started our journeys right here on the forum. Today, I am closer to some who are here than to those I meet on a day-to-day basis. We have a bond ~ thank you.

 

 

[MartyT]

♥

[iPraiseHim]

Confession.  I am a man and I cry a lot.  I thought there was something wrong with me when I was a child because I was always told boys don't cry. So consequently, I always felt weak and not a man because I was so emotional.  It's the way I was made.  i was so stunned when I discovered young boys 2-5 years old crying like little girls.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I have found out it is quite common and natural.  I have accepted the fact that I cry and it is natural.  It has helped me in the grieving process of dealing with my wife's death.  I try to not cry when I'm driving and have told myself to just save till I get home or pull off the road.  My wife loved that i am a sensitive man.  it is a part of life.  Shalom

[MartyT]

George, my dear, my father was as emotionally strong and as manly as they come, but some of my fondest memories of him are those times during our heart-to-heart talks when he would wipe tears from his eyes. I see the same trait in both my grown sons, and it warms my heart. I think there is something very special about a grown man who is sensitive enough to be moved to tears ~ and self-confident enough to let his loved ones see him cry ~ especially when the situation warrants it.  ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Wise words and heartfelt from everyone as always. Yes it happens or it doesn't happen. Our feelings get expressed but in different ways I guess. I remember my mother saying sadly that she never cried when her own mother died. I only cried a little when she died. But the feelings of grief I have about Pete's death are so different in kind and intensity. They just don't come out in tears and I have to accept that I think. I do believe it stems from childhood in a home where feelings weren't expressed outwardly. Music does release my tears though. Thanks to everyone. 

[kayc]

Different deaths hit us differently.  I wasn't nearly as affected by any death as I was my George's.  That's because we got each other, we were an intricate part of each other's lives, we were hand and glove, how do you live without your other half?  Filling out that survey hit me as I realized all of my responses would be extremely different if I were filling it out on George than my mom.  You expect your mom to die before you.  We didn't live together.  We weren't interdependent.  My mom never "got me", hell, she never even KNEW me.  So the loss was quite different.  Losing my husband was like losing EVERYTHING.  Our friends disappeared.  People understood what it was like to lose a parent, they didn't understand what it was like to lose a spouse...let alone know how to respond...so they didn't.  People want you "over it" so THEY don't have to feel uncomfortable!  So I learned to express myself here and had to make new friends to replace the old lost ones.  I had to learn to be self-sufficient and ask for help when I needed it (something that's still hard for me).  I had to learn to live alone.  I had to somehow create a new life for myself.  

My son is wanting me to come visit, which means me spending the night since I don't drive at night and it's too far away to go up and back in one day.  So that means it has to be well above freezing at night because I can't keep the fire going while I'm gone and don't want the pipes to freeze and break.  I have to get someone to watch my dog since there's no longer a kennel here.  That narrows it down.  And this is a busy time of year, I was explaining to him that I have the plumber coming possibly today, tomorrow morning I have Christmas Program/choir practice, Sun. am I'm on the morning worship team, Monday I work all day at the church doing the bank reconciliations and reports, Tuesday eve. I have a budget setting meeting, Wed. night they will be at Bible Study, I help at the senior site Tues and Thurs, Fri and Fri night I have Christmas parties to go to, so that takes me to maybe the next Sat. after Christmas program/choir practice and coming back on Sun.  He said "You need to say no to some things."  What?  It's taken me time to build a life for myself!  My kids don't see me, I can't sit around and be alone all the time with nothing to do but watch t.v.!  I don't think he gets it.  I'm not going to cancel my life in the hopes they might throw me a crumb and grace me with their presence!  They haven't been here all year and it doesn't look like they are likely to!  So a week from tomorrow, weather willing, I'll go see them.

I know some of you here have busy lives too...not busy like they were when we held full time jobs and commuted and had everything to do on our day off, but busy nonetheless.  And that's not bad.  It's not at a frantic pace any more and I like that.  I have time to read the paper and walk the dog.  I have time to do what I need to do and some left over, and that's good.

[MartyT]

Kay, dear heart, if I've learned anything in being a mom, it is that my two (now grown and fathers themselves) sons learned a long time ago how to push my guilt buttons, and now they are experts at doing so! When your son tells you that "you need to say no to some things," he is pushing your guilt buttons too ~ and once you have grandchildren it can become even worse. Then it morphs into, "What? You don't want to spend time with your grandchildren?!" Our grown children often forget that their parents have their own lives to live, and we've been doing it for quite some time, thank you very much. You have every right to plan your days and live your life as you see fit, and on some level, I'll bet your son is very proud of his mom and of the independence you demonstrate every day. Motherhood is a double-edged sword sometimes, and it is not for sissies, that's for sure!

[enna]

Thank you for what you said to Kay, Marty. Motherhood sure isn't for sissies. 

[kayc]

Marty, you're so right!  It sounds like he expects me to be sitting around waiting for them to want me to come...in the meanwhile, what?  Twiddle my thumbs?  They wouldn't like it if I put my everything on them, because my mom did that with us kids, and it's not healthy and a lot of pressure.  I do say no when I need to, whether it's to my kids or to other activities.  I think I have a good balance and if I didn't, I'd be the first to change it.