Changes I'm Making

[enna]

Because I'm worth it.   Preparing my menu for my Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, it takes most of the day and so far the choices are looking great! 

Edited June 24, 2017 by enna
photo not working!

[kayc]

Sounds good to me!  I'm sitting by the fire watching it snow.  I woke up with conjuctivitis (pink eye) today (very contagious) so could not perform tonight...something I've practiced for two months for.    So I'm listening to cheesy Christmas movies instead.

[hollowheart]

I love this pajamas all day quote! I plan on doing that the entire Thanksgiving break. I would have been out Black Friday Shopping with my sis, but she is no longer here and it will be torture enough sitting around without being able to hang out with her. I will stay in bed and just watch TV and movies all day and eat. Nothing else to do. While I'm looking forward to not being at work, At the same time I'm not looking forward to these sad, lonely plans. Sigh.

[enna]

 

Another Year and the holidays are here again ~ 2015

I am slowly moving forward. Life is different for me. We go on because that is what we have to do. The journey is mine, but I have not traveled it alone. I am so grateful for those who have been with me during these three plus years. Allow your grief to be just where it is. There is no time limit.

For those who have not found their way to Marty’s grief healing blog ~ this week's blog is all about getting through the holidays. 

 

 

[MartyT]

Beautiful, dear Anne. Simply beautiful. I know that none of this was easy for you, but you are one determined lady. You have worked so hard these last three years, and you are such an inspiration for all of us. Thank you so much for sharing this ♥

[enna]

You are very welcome, Marty. I so have appreciated your presence with me as I have been on this journey. The forum has been a great help to me as I'm sure it has been for others. 

[lostandfound]

UPON the WINGS of THE WIND

on the eve of a cool winter's nite

a storm silently blew through my door.

without any warning, a tornado ripped out my heart.

yet, there was an eerie silence until someone's scream pierced my ears.

I thought I recognized this scream as my own;

yet, I uttered no sound.

a deep guttural moan was all I felt.

changed forever, without forewarning, the scream pierced my heart again.

yet, my son lay still on our kitchen floor.

 what a curious place to nap.

yet, again, when I shook him, to awaken him, he never opened his eyes.

a ghostly look on his angelic face.

a mysterious color to his skin.

furiously, I shook him, but to no avail.

desperately, furiously, I tried breathing lifeforece into his lungs.

I breathed so hard I thought I would blow his internal self out.

he didn't move.  he never moved again on his own.

from the crown of his head a serene blue-white bolt drifted outward and upward.

he was gone.

ajourney, unknown, unfamiliar, had begun.

a fate was occurring that I would awaken from.

a dull darkness began to seep in before my eyes.

I fought.  turn on the lights, someone.

God, where was God?

never, though, was I to leave this nightmare.

a spectral of myself sat beside my son, not knowing Life was changed forever.

theparamedics told me, "your son is dead."

I argued.  screaming 'save him' they shook their heads.

a paralytic numbness permeated my being.

I begged God.  this was a mistake.

...now, I stand on a spiritual perimeter on the wings of the wind.

written by self, kat dodd.  8/2015

 

I really don't know where or how to start on this 'healing site'.  when I wrote this my son had been dead for 6 1/2 years.  the words spilled forth about 3 a.m. one morning when I awoke from a dream.  I believe this is when I realized that I had finally began to live a life again.  my life.  the first 2 years, after J.R.'s death, hubby and I were in darkness.  totally unfamiliar with ourselves, with one another, and certainly the 'outside' world.  after ending up suicidal and admitted to a hospital, I began attending a grief group.  this is when I found I was far from being alone.  after two more years, and finally making peace with God, an unusual growth within began.

my son, J.R., died at 25 yrs. old, suddenly from an enlarged heart unknown to us.  I never realized that the only thing I had left to do was to learn how to live again.  to learn my identity.  what a monumental journey this has been.  I am forever grateful for that handful of people at that grief group that accepted hubby and myself.  I never believed 'time would heal all wounds'.  I still do not.  the wound will forever exist.  it is just different.  I have learned about Life in ways that I never would have without this tragedy.  J.R was our only child.  how I miss him so very much.  and, still, after almost 7 years,at times I wait for him to walk through the front door.  just a phone call, maybe.  but, J.R. is safe.  he is not in this world.  my hope is that God has His merciful arms wrapped tightly around him.

I still attend my grief group.  I facilitate once a month.  but, even though I have grown so much, I know I have much more growth coming.  for 1 1/2 yrs. now, I have had horrific dreams.  I write several down.  it seems the dreams are pieces of my past life that I need to see in order to know what to move forward with and what to leave behind.  I am in the process of rebuilding myself.  I am a very different person than I was. 

I don't know which 'forum' to go to find others who are on this journey.  yes, I have certainly grown.  but, like I said, I feel there is so much more coming.  thank you for taking the time to read this.  any and all ideas, opinions, suggestions on what to do with myself will be appreciated.  I havecome to terms with what I will call the 'simple things' such as 'never any grandchild', never watching my son's future.  there remains a void within, albeit so much smaller than in the beginning of this journey.

thanks.

 

 

[enna]

Oh my dear Kat,

Your beautiful reflection has taken my breath away. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, J.R. I cannot imagine the heartache you are feeling.

Your story is one of a journey that says to me that we can move forward when faced with such darkness. You are right, time does not heal and our lives are indeed different. All that is left for us is to live the best we know how. We learn to carry the memories of those days before the last ones in our hearts ~ focusing on good memories as best we can.

I am glad that you are continuing with your grief work. Our losses will demand that.

There is a thread titled: Loss of infant, Child or Grandchild on the main home page of this forum that may be a place for you to start.

Reading will help you connect with those who are also struggling with loss.

There are many good web sites that our moderator can direct you to when she comes on. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

One I can direct you to is Compassionate Friends: Providing Grief Support After the Loss of a Child.

Anne

[kayc]

Anne,

I felt much as you the first year...wishing I could just skip through the "first year without", and by the time I'd made my way through 4th of July, Labor Day, my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and entered Easter...I revolted!  I said, "No more!"  I skipped Easter and my kids and I quietly had "the Easter that wasn't" dinner the following week.  They were very supportive.  By the time I made it to his birthday and Father's Day, the anniversary of his death, I was glad the first year was over!  The second year didn't seem much easier but at least I'd accomplished making it through the first year of firsts without, as I'd come to think of it.  

You have been very brave in your quest to make it through this somewhat intact, albeit changed (as we all are), and I admire your inspiration and going outside of yourself, volunteering, entertaining, I know it hasn't been easy, but it has helped.  You've been a very valuable contributor to this site throughout your journey and I'm glad you're here.

I intend to go to my son's for Thanksgiving, weather and road conditions willing.  It's hard for me to be away from home, but I'm making the effort so I can see my grandbaby.  

Lostandfound,

Welcome to this site, a sacred place where we share our journeys and make our way through it together.  I am sorry for your loss, no matter how many years it's been, the missing never ceases, does it.  It's been over ten years since I lost my husband, and a year since I lost my mom, although I've had many other losses as well.  I hope you find much comfort and encouragement here, even as we have.  Your poem is poignant, and I can feel how painful it has been to you, in your words.

[enna]

Grieving is NOT a Mental Illness

We all experience grief differently. There is no one loss more significant than another. I have lived long enough now to have experienced many losses in my almost seventy-three years on this earth. One thing I continue to be puzzled about is why we think taking pills or paying to see a therapist will make things all better.

We are grieving. In most cases, we are not ill. We need the gentle listening ear of someone who is knowledgeable about grief. We need to talk about our grief and we need to have someone listen. A good grief counselor knows how to listen. A good grief counselor knows what is normal in grief. A good grief counselor will only refer someone to a mental health therapist if there are other issues that need to be resolved. Pills are rarely needed, and they should not be given just to make someone feel better. I am not saying that sometimes we may need something to ease our anxiety or help us get a good nights sleep for a short time. 

I am not an expert, but it really bothers me that so many people are led to believe that they are sick rather than just grieving when they lose a loved one.

It scares me to think that there are health care people out there who would like to label those who are grieving for more than two weeks mentally ill! WOW! How’s that going to look on a resume?

I have read many articles about this and they have helped me. I offer a few articles below for those who are interested in reading.

It is so important to accept that our hearts are broken and we are without words most of the time when we face a loss. With grief work and talking about our grief, we begin to live our new lives. We will never be as we were, but this does not mean that we are mentally ill. Our lives as we knew them are changed forever.  We are grieving.

Here on this forum there are great listeners who have the time to be with the rest of us who are grieving. Active listeners help us to begin to adapt to our broken hearts.  No one here is going to tell us to “get on” with our lives.

‘Grief and anxiety are not mental illnesses’

Is grief mental illness?

Medicalization” of Grief

‘Grief is not a mental illness’

Grieving: Facing illness, death, and other losses’

 

 

[MartyT]

Yes, Anne. Amen. 

Here is another article I read just today: DSM-V is Psychiatry's Maladaptation in The Grey Zone Masquerading As Science. As the author states,

"Mild” and “borderline” reside in the grey zone. There are no prizes for, nor disputes in, spotting severe depression. But telling apart prolonged grief from depression is trickier. In the grey zone, normality overlaps generously with mild disease. There are no right answers in grey, only trade-offs between overdiagnosis and underdiagnosis.

See also Using Medication to Manage Grief

[enna]

Thank you for the links, Marty. I remember having read the second link several months ago. I'm sure I'm not the only one concerned with how freely drugs are distributed for almost anything! It is indeed a doctor/patient decision. I wish more Primary doctors were given classes in grief counseling so they wouldn't be so quick to prescribe drugs for normal grief. 

[MartyT]

And I wish the pharmaceutical companies would stop advertising their wares to the general public, as if we can take a pill for anything and everything that happens to us in life, and just like that, all the pain (and all the reasons for the pain) will go away and just like that, we'll be all better. 

[kayc]

When George died, the doctor offered me sleeping pills (I was often sleeping only one hour/night and having to go to work the next day).  I refused it, saying that would be a temporary solution for an ongoing situation.  In looking back, I wish I'd taken the pills to at least sleep now and then.  I think the lack of sleep added to my crazed state, making me all the more vulnerable and we all know what transpired next.

Grief is not an illness, but sometimes people NEED some help.  I haven't had antidepressants since I was married to my kids' dad...I needed them just to live through that time, even though they left me feeling robotic.  I made it through George's death without pills.  It was tough but I did it.  Maybe I made it harder on myself but I survived it.

And I think you're right that doctors turn too much to pills and it's a big money making industry with grave consequences.  I wish I could afford to go to a holistic doctor that could get me off all Rxs, am not sure that'd even be possible with my genetics, but it's sure be nice.

Bottom line is, grief needs dealt with.  And we can't avoid the pain, we have to go straight through it and yes, it hurts like hell!  But given the effort and time, we can survive, stronger, wiser, and somewhat intact.  Where once there was severe pain, we survive with scarring, but whereas thoughts of them once brought pain, they now bring comfort and encouragement.  And let's not forget the hope that resides inside of us...hope of being with them again someday.

[iPraiseHim]

Some kind soul recommended sleeping pills for me here after only sleeping two hours a night for a couple of weeks.  I at first resisted but I did followup with my doctor and he just prescribed a pill that relaxed my body so i could get the sleep I so badly needed.  Please consider it as a help aid especially in the first traumatic days after your loss.  Your body needs good sleep to help you get through the days ahead.  Shalom

[enna]

George,

That is so very true. The trauma we experienced over our loved one's death no doubt kept many of us awake. There is nothing wrong with taking something for sleep or anxiety during those early weeks. Whatever someone needs is so individual. 

[MartyT]

I agree completely. You are wise to see your primary care physician, who knows your health history and your own individual circumstances, and work with him or her to meet your own individual needs. Sleep deprivation can be horrible in how it affects on our mental and physical states ~ that is why it is the method of choice by those who torture people!

[hollowheart]

I couldn't wait to get sleeping pills from my doctor. Now I realize they aren't the right kind, they don't keep me knocked out they just help me go to sleep but then I wake up in the middle of the night wide awake. I think sleeping pills are actually needed for this kind of loss of sleep. You need a somewhat relaxed body and mind to relax and sleep. Even if you are thinking about bills of some work project you can still eventually get to sleep because those problems are somewhat manageable. 

All i do Is lay there thinking about when I first found her and how much I miss her. Longing for her and even crying through the night. Sometimes so long I'm still doing it when my alarm goes off, so now I have to switch from grief stricken to everything's fine for work and mentally I felt I was going mad. I will take pills, thank you very much. 

[MartyT]

There are many different things you can try to enhance your chances of getting a good night's sleep. See Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief. 

[hollowheart]

Thanks again Marty for the links. As I was reading them I realized I was already doing all these things before she passed, especially having a 'bedtime routine' I used to have a wind down time where I'd have all my evening things done, my stuff ready for tomorrow and all that done. I"d turn off my overhead light and turn on my lamp to 'bring down' the room. I'd shower and do my hand lotion and cuticle oil routine, and lip moisture routine, lol. It all worked then, but now it doesn't work now.

I can usually fall asleep at a halfway decent time, but the problem is waking up at 2:00 or 2:30 am wide awake, thinking about my loss and grief (because really, what else is there to think about?) until 5:30 then getting sleepy 15 minutes before my alarm goes off. So obviously I get up with an attitude, angry, tired on top of still sad and grieving and dealing with my horrific reality.  This happens every night like clockwork which is why I turned to drugs and I need more powerful sedatives that will keep me asleep at least 7-8 hours, at least until my alarm goes off. If I were retired I wouldn't care.

[kayc]

Sleep can be a challenge.  My dog woke me up (he was sick) at 3:00 this morning, and it's always hard for me to get back to sleep once awakened at that time.  For me it's the challenge of turning my brain off.  And it can be very frustrating!  Rather than fight it, sometimes I get up and enjoy some time up and then go lay back down and try again.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  But it is not good to be sleep deprived and go several nights without sleep.  The older I get, the longer it takes me to catch up to feeling normal after lost sleep.

[JeL]

On 11/16/2015, 6:31:11, enna said:

Another Year and the holidays are here again ~ 2015

Hi all. I've been in & out of this site...lately not so much. Early September marked the 2 year anniversary of my husband's death; the holidays are here again.... trepidation and joy.  I started feeling joy and hopefulness a few months ago - truly,  it was almost like a light switch flipped on hope and gently mantled my acute grief. I still grieve, I still cry, just not so painful. I have a bit more control and vision for my future.

Changes I'm making:

Insomnia & exercise: Since my husband died in Sept 2013, I've had insomnia. I awaken with a thought or a leg cramp...or to pee :-)  Recently I decided to embrace it..... go exercise. I'm now in the municipal pool 2-3x/wk by 6am. I swim for an hour, sauna, shower, go to work early, eat oatmeal at my desk, start work on time. I'm not sleeping better yet (it's been about 6 weeks) but the AM exercise is wonderful, energizing.

Memories,  sadness & art: Maybe there will come a day when I will think & talk about special holiday memories without tears. I'm not there yet. I used to do textile arts at the holidays...this is the first time in 5 years that appeals to me, so I got my stuff out of my crafts closet last night and plan to make familiar patterns as a warm up. Having energy for art while I'm working fulltime and exercising 6-10 hrs/wk tells me I'm healing & getting closer to my normal self...my new self.

Relationships:

- Friends I thought would support me are absent or inconsistent. I've let them go.

- Friends with kids are too busy to initiate but welcome my help so I initiate and that helps us both. Plus I get kid time!!

- Co-workers push me to be social & don't get it that I want a gentle approach. They're hearts are true but they just don't get it.

- I met a guy, a widower, he gets it!       He gets me. I get him. It's new, I'm hopeful.

- I miss my deceased husband daily & I'm "in like" with a new man. I have room in my heart yet it feels awkward...& hopeful.

Thankful/grateful:

I have insight into my growth through grief these past 2 years.  At first it was a tight shell around me, I couldn't let anyone in. Now it's a softer cocoon...

I empathize with newly bereaved in a way I never got before. I sit, I'm patient, I listen.

I feel room in my heart for a new life partner while maintaining my connection with my deceased husband. How did I get here?

 

Marty - do you have resources on new love after bereavement? Your articles are always on target. Thanks, truly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hollowheart]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

Sleep can be a challenge.  My dog woke me up (he was sick) at 3:00 this morning, and it's always hard for me to get back to sleep once awakened at that time.  For me it's the challenge of turning my brain off.  And it can be very frustrating!  Rather than fight it, sometimes I get up and enjoy some time up and then go lay back down and try again.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  But it is not good to be sleep deprived and go several nights without sleep.  The older I get, the longer it takes me to catch up to feeling normal after lost sleep.

This is why I got some sleeping pills from my doctor. I know it's not the best thing to do, but we are in the same boat with the sleeping. I wake up at 2am and can't turn my brain off. And I have to go to work, unfortunately, otherwise I wouldn't care what kind of sleep I got. I'd go to sleep at 1:30 in the afternoon if that was when I got sleepy. But to be up for 5 hours BEFORE I have to get up and try to manage an 10 hour day is not fun.

[MartyT]

8 hours ago, JeL said:

Marty - do you have resources on new love after bereavement? Your articles are always on target. Thanks, truly.

Yes I do, JeL, and I hope you will find one or more of these to be helpful:

Love After Death: The Widow’s Romantic Predicaments  

Ring Out The Old? Not So Easy When Memory Serves  

Forget-Me-Never: The Reality of Remarriage After Widowhood

The Reality of Remarriage Part Two: Answering Readers’ Observations

The Most Important Quality Of An Intimate Partner

Finding Love After Loss: 7 Steps for Moving Forward

Dating When You’re Widowed  

Widowed? 5 Key Dating Rules

Dating A Widower?

Book, Past Perfect, Present Tense: Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife Of A Widower by Julie Donner Andersen

Finding Love After Loss, Ellen Gerst’s blog for “guiding you on the path to finding love … after the loss of a partner due to death, divorce or break-up”. Also on Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/FindingLoveAfterLoss/  

[kayc]

HollowHeart,

I remember all too well.  I worked for eight years after I lost my husband (or looked for work, which is in itself a full time job).  My heart goes out to you.  I think it's better to take a sleeping pill than to be sleep deprived, which is what I was.  Looking back, I probably should have done things differently.  We need our sleep in order to think clearly and make good decisions.