enna Posted October 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 Loneliness ~ “the absence of presence” (I love this phrase). Loss of a Spouse ~ Grief Journey with Dr. Bill Webster “A Useful Sadness” ~ Grief, Loneliness, and Losing a Spouse ‘Lonely’ not powerful enough word to describe widowhood ~ an excellent piece from Open to Hope/articles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 17, 2015 Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 Well sometimes I relate to Job...there was a man that felt alone! It is comforting to know there have been others that have felt as you do. But the scripture that comes to me often during the night (when my anxiety flares up) is Philippians 4:7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted October 18, 2015 Report Share Posted October 18, 2015 Amen, That is my "Life" verse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 I think this is a wonderful idea. I've signed up as yet another part of my "healing" ~ I say "healing" even though I am not ill. I just don't know how to say it any other way. When we began our lives here on this earth it started our journeys and the journeys will only end when we take our last breaths. In the mean time, I like the idea of waking up every Monday morning and know that there will be a "COURAGEbomb" waiting for me to read.Want a dose of daring delivered to your inbox every Monday morning (which is when I certainly need them)? Learn more about COURAGEbombs here:http://brenebrown.com/2015/10/22/a-weekly-couragebomb/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 So true Anne, so very true. Thank you for that.fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 A beautiful thought for self-care. by Tieraona Low Dog, MD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 30, 2015 Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 If my body looked like that, I could BE it's friend! More seriously though, I don't think I gave it much thought until 11 1/2 months ago when I got my diagnosis...the gall bladder, no big deal. The ulcer, no big deal. Too high calcium? Cut back. Elevated white blood count. Bronchitis. But cirrhosis of the liver? That hit me like a ton of bricks! In the year since, I've been so careful to take extra care of myself...all of the self care I can. I eat super healthy. And I look at it differently too. I realize my liver is my friend and I try to be good to it. Sometimes I feel silly feeling like this, but it's kind of like an appreciation for what we have. Our bodies do age and wear out, they break down, just like a car does. It's so important to do the maintenance and healing we need! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2015 I like the idea of maintenance on our bodies, Kay. It is what we do when we realize how precious we are ~ no matter our age.I found this on FB today and it reminded me of what our Bill's Mary says all the time ~ "We must stay with the pain..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2015 Letting go...Happy November my friends! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2015 Releasing anger...I have wanted to get something off my chest for a while now and after reading the article in Marty’s Grief Healing blog this morning titled: Why Doctors are Afraid of the Word “Death” written by Aaron Kheriaty in the Washington Post dated October 26th, I finally feel like I can release the anger I’ve had for my Primary Care Doctor of thirteen years before the death of my Jim. “Doctors need to learn to accompany their patients through the dying process.” When we entered Hospice our doctor chose to discontinue any contact with Jim as his patient ~ it was almost as if he was upset because we chose the Hospice setting even though he signed the papers. After Jim died, I had to go to our Primary for some care and he did not even mention Jim or acknowledge that he had died even though he knew he had passed away. This hurt me and to this day has left a scar on my heart. “True compassion and mercy involve walking this difficult journey with our patients and with our loved ones…”I guess some doctors have much to learn and in the meantime, those of us who are looking for just a small piece of compassion from our doctors will have to find it elsewhere. After reading the article, I think I can understand that doctors will always look for the latest improvements in medicine and not necessarily focus of what is best for the patient. Sometimes allowing death is the best option and the doctor will find the time to be a little more compassionate both toward the patient and his family. A phone call, a card or even mentioning his name would have given such comfort to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 1, 2015 Report Share Posted November 1, 2015 I am so sorry this happened to you, dear Anne. You of all people deserve so much better than that, and so did your precious husband Jim. I don't know why some physicians find it so hard to accept dying as a natural part of living ~ especially since the ground-breaking work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published nearly fifty years ago and so widely known today. I sincerely hope that the next generation of doctors will spend more time in medical school learning about death and dying, and how to "accompany their patients (and their families!) through the dying process." ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted November 1, 2015 Report Share Posted November 1, 2015 This is opening up an old wound for me, but I will share it as it might help me. Pete was a vigorous healthy 76 year old, who had all his faculties and took exercise and lived healthily when he was struck down with a massive stroke. The specialist in the stroke ward who I presume had seen the scans was incredibly harsh to me, more or less telling me to give up any hope of recovery. It was the way he did it which totally lacked any humanity and several times the nursing staff had to pick me up off the ground metaphorically and try to help me to cope with this awful awful man. He was of course right. Pete lived on for five months and never recovered and had several bouts of pneumonia because he couldn't talk, swallow, eat etc. And I fought to keep hopeful and managed to get him home and care for him with help but that bloody man knew I was doomed to fail. But he didn't have to be so incredibly brutal. I hated him for it then and I hate him for it now. The nursing staff told me he had upset many people. I can't express what he put me through. I've hidden it from my memory and I'm crying now as I write. My only consolation is that Pete didn't know. One of the side effects of his type of stroke was a kind of denial. Now it's my turn to live with denial. I still feel that I'm denying his death. Four years later. However I listened to Belleruth Naparstek on grief earlier and my tears flowed so that is twice in one day! Good for me. That might sound odd but I can't cry still as I feel I will never never stop unless Pete comes to comfort me. Weird but true.oh Anne I'm so sorry for your experience. These doctors do so much harm when they could help us so easily. It doesn't take much. Shared humanity would do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 2, 2015 Report Share Posted November 2, 2015 I am so sorry. I know how hard it is. I had to let go of the anger I felt towards our doctor for not sending George to a Cardiologist. I made an appt. with him and talked with him about how I felt and told him I just wanted to know he'd never make that mistake again. He cost my George his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2015 I think so many of us are hoping the same thing about doctors learning to understand that it is the normal process of life - we are born and we die. I do think many understand this - some just have to be more turned in, Marty. We both know that there are doctors and then there are doctors. Jan, I know your experience was not a good one with your Pete's care at the end of his life. We deal with our pain in our own time and that is okay. I am glad you listen to Belleruth for her ideas are so good. Tears are good - sometimes they come and sometimes they do not and that has to be alright. Letting go is what we are learning to do as we heal, isn't it Kay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 2, 2015 Report Share Posted November 2, 2015 It seems tat's all I do the last years of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2015 Going with the flow...Click on Alan Watts ~ The Greatest Skill of All...below to see the animation. Such a straightforward explanation of harnessing the power of nature, or—as we've been posting about quite a bit lately—"going with the flow". ~ {Excerpt from film "Why Not Now?" http://www.alanwattsfilm.com}; animated by "The Simpsons" Eddie Rosas and edited by Allison Faust. Alan Watts ~ The Greatest Skill of AllAlan talks about his revelation of harnessing the power of nature. Animated by "The Simpson's" Eddie Rosas and edited by Allison Faust. Excerpt from…YOUTUBE.COM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2015 Oh, those plastic cards.A trigger that caught me off guard ~ the other day I received cards in the mail to activate my new chip cards. I saw that both my card and Jim’s were enclosed so I called the card company and told them that my husband was deceased and that I wanted to have his name removed from our account. Several days later I received a letter in the mail saying the account had been closed,CLOSED! I didn’t want my account closed, I only wanted Jim’s name removed. I did not feel right to have his number activated…When I called the card company, I was told that they closed the account and that I would have to re-open it in my name! I didn’t understand since I was already the primary cardholder of the account. Yes, the tears flowed and I was so upset ~ A minor thing except to those of us who have lost our spouse. I have accepted junk mail coming in with Jim’s name on it. I have answered the phone and explained that “the man of the house” is deceased only to be asked if I’d have him call when he got back!! I’ve even kept it together when someone calls and asks for Jim not knowing that he had died. It has been over three years now. What upset me so much this time was that someone thought it was okay to cancel us both out just because one of us was no longer living. I miss Jim so much and I won’t let anyone make me feel that I’m not important and that I shouldn’t receive that plastic card. I reapplied online and they sent me an email saying that I’d have to wait for seven to ten days for confirmation! I guess it didn’t matter that we had been cardholders in good standing for over four decades! “One day it just clicks…You realize what’s important and what isn’t.You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and youremember when you thought things were such a mess that they’d never recover. And then you smile. You smile becauseyou are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become." ~ www.stevemaraboli.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted November 4, 2015 Report Share Posted November 4, 2015 I can totally relate to that Anne. How cruel and thoughtless and the impact on you wouldn't be understood. I still think of myself as part of a couple, even still. And I've got to a point where I'm going to special places like down my beloved Spurn peninsula alone, and to our beloved field. But I thought only yesterday that I carry Pete along with me. He comes with me in my heart. Just like the poem that Bill's Mary has often quoted. You know the one. I will find it and post it. But these moments when we are brought up starkly in front of our loss are so painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted November 4, 2015 Report Share Posted November 4, 2015 “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)I am never without it (anywhereI go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is youhere is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which growshigher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apartI carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”― E.E. Cummingstags: love, poetryk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2015 I really like the E.E.Cummings poem, Jan. One of my favorites.Here is a quote from Megan Devine. I'm so glad I took the online grief writing course last year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2015 This I believe. We cannot take this grief journey alone. It is our journey, but not one to walk in isolation. Anyone else feel this way?From BuddhaDoodles..."We need each other to shine!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 7, 2015 Report Share Posted November 7, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2015 Once in a while we all need reminders that ~ we can do this hard thing...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHxRsSSeNBo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted November 8, 2015 Report Share Posted November 8, 2015 Yes, Anne, sometimes it seems that just existing in the world now is doing this hard thing. How we do it I don't know, but we do. And I'm proud of all of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 9, 2015 Report Share Posted November 9, 2015 I second Marty's "Like"!I just got back from Women's Retreat (with the ladies from my church) over at the coast, had a great time. Now it's hard to wait until a year from now to go again!I guess it's these moments we hang in there for. Arlie displayed great enthusiasm when I got back, he cried for joy!Jan, I'm proud of all of us too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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