Mary Is In Heaven

[kayc]

Words escape me in this moment... Please forgive me.
My sweet, adoring, more than beautiful wife of more 25 yrs was taken from me at 11:15pm Jan 9th. Her heart just stopped... Like that. No extraordinary measures were taken. Per her wishes. I was talking to her. She was listening. Less than an hour prior. She was so tired. I mean not just reg tired. Just in every way, Sort of just Done. I was laying beside her. She was sleeping. I had her hand in mine. Her head nestled with my own. The house has been full of family members for days. I thought I was prepared for this. I'm not. How can there be anymore tomorrow's without my partner in life. Too much going through my head. Our grandsons will be awake in an hour or so. Our son must explain to his 9 and 6 yrs olds that their Grammy is in Heaven. How can they understand when I don't even understand.
You may post this on the forum. I will get there when I am able. I have no words. Only thanks to everyone who have prayed and supported us both. Going back to before Leo passed. Mary is now back with Leo, Ziggy (Samuel), and Shannon. I'm very jealous. I can only imagine what Heaven must look and feel like. But it certainly now is a little more sweeter.
My loving wife was my little piece of heaven.
I thought I didn't have words, but I tried.
Thank you so much for your support on the forum and in emails.
I will be in touch. I'm just in shock right now.
❤️
Butch.

[kayc]

Butch,

Our hearts are with you as you begin this journey. You are not alone, we will be there with you. I am so glad you did not have to make that decision to pull the plug, how much better that Mary took that responsibility from you as you were lying next to her, holding her hand. When you are ready, I hope you will come here and post. It is here that you will be able to cry, vent, whatever you feel you need. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[enna]

I am so very sorry that your Mary is now away from you in the physical since. Our prayers are with you and the family. You know that we will always be here for you as you begin to heal.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Butch,

I am so sorry that Mary has left her body and moved to a more spiritual existence. You are right that we can never imagine how it will feel, what it will be like, when we lose someone we love so much.

We are holding you and Mary, Leo and Shannon, in prayer and in our hearts. We are here any time to you need to share, and we will be here to help you carry this heavy burden of grief and sorrow.

All blessings to you, Butch.

fae

[MartyT]

Actually, dear Butch, your words are quite beautiful, and such a precious gift to all of us. How generous of you to share them with us at such a challenging and painful time. I feel certain that your darling was greeted by all the angels in Heaven, as well as by her beloved Shannon, Leo and Ziggy ~ and what a glorious celebration that must be. I know you wish with all your heart that you could join them too, but for now your place is here with us ~ and we won't let you walk this path alone. From our hearts to yours, we send love and blessings and peace to you and your family.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Butch,

We are so sorry you are hurting so deeply. May God hold you tenderly in His hands, and bless you with comfort, strength, and stamina. We will continue to pray for you, as we have been.

Carrie

[annew]

Dearest Butch,

We hold you always in our hearts in this time so beyond any understanding.

Many prayers for you and Mary and your family in time of such change. Please

stay as close as you want with us here; the group is here for you.

Blessings,

and hugs and love.

AnneW

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Butch I have followed your sad journey and I am so very very sorry. Jan

[mfh]

My dear Butch,

Marty was kind enough to notify me of Mary's death and of your tragic loss as I am on a sort of sabattical for a while and not seeing posts. There is no preparation for it no matter how prepared you believe you are...as you know. I do understand your feelings of jealousy as she is reunited with those she loves who preceded her in death. Right now it is time for you to take care of yourself as you are more tired than you know. Everyone here will be supportive to you and care for you whenever you are ready and able to join us again. In the meantime, I hold you and your family and Mary in my heart and in my thoughts and prayers. One foot in front of the other and one day or even hour at a time and lots of self compassion.

My wishes for peace to you,

Mary

[shalady]

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers. Please remember we are all here for you anytime you need us. I hope you feel all the comfort and strength we are trying to convey.

Shalady

[R.Everit55]

Thank you Kay for posting on my behalf. You are are a dear heart.

ALL of you here are dear hearts. I thank you for your words of support and solace. I honestly am in shock. I feel very dazed, unsettled, yet humbled, and gracious. Gracious for all of you. Humbled by my last moments with my love last night. I know she knew that she was going to join the Heavenly Angels. I saw something I never saw in her eyes. I knew I couldn't leave her side. And I knew and felt that she wanted me beside her. That look in her eyes looking at me told me everything. I was talking to her the hour prior to her passing. Obviously she couldn't talk back. But she didn't have to. Her heart spoke to mine. I saw in her eyes that she was so beyond exhausted. I told her I feel her exhaustion and all I want her to do is listen to me. Close her eyes and listen. She refused to close them. But after a few minutes, she closed them. I had her hand tight in mine. I told her it was ok if she was too tired to stay. I told her I would love her beyond measure anyway. She did open her eyes and looked at me a final time and I wiped her tears away. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my lifetime to hold back my own tears right then. She closed her eyes for the last time. I said rest now my love. I had her hand in mine. I placed my hand on her heart with my other. And I just gently laid my head with hers'. I laid this way with her for about 45 mins and she slept. I didn't say a word. I just soaked in laying right beside her. Then the moment came when the heart monitor sounded..... And I asked hospice staff to just silence it please. I didn't move though. I kissed her head. I asked our son to come and say his goodbyes... Which he had already done in his own way earlier in the night.

Hospice has been so incredibly heartfelt and considerate in their actions. They made phone calls. They unhooked her from everything. They said to take all the time needed to say a final farewell. And so I did. My son did. I feel a little selfish because my family was there and some of hers. But I only wanted myself and our son to be near her. Before her body was taken away, everyone said their goodbye. Call me selfish. And I don't know why I had to have it that way. No one holds it against me. However, I still feel horrible.

She went so peacefully. She didn't fight it. I honestly feel like she in a way chose to let go. Sadly, it was grueling for me to not insist on extraordinary measures. Because during other crisis times, I insisted and it was done. But I didn't even move. I guess because I saw in her eyes how very tired she was. ALS stole everything from her... Her movement, her eating, her breathing/talking. But one thing this angry disease could never steal was our bond our love and our silent "words", communication, and understanding. That's how I knew 24hrs ago that she was going to pass.

I have never hated anything nor anyone. I hate what this unfair disease did and stole from my wife and our family.

Our two grandsons woke this morning and our Son had to tell them that Grammy is in Heaven now. They cried. At age 9 and 6, it's kind of a hard age for grasping it all. But they grasped it I believe more than I thought they would.

There are many things to do in future days. But I am so grateful for Hospice as they are doing much of the arranging. I could never thank them enough.

I had more to say but it's kind of fleeting at the moment. My mind and heart are just numb and in shock. Trying to grasp this, even though I knew it was happening, I couldn't have asked for a more peaceful time with my beautiful sweet and precious soulmate as she left this world.

Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I thank you on Mary's behalf. I know how much she felt for you all. And I feel the reciprocation. So thank you all for your love, support, understanding, graciousness, etc... ❤️

I'm realizing just this second that this post is in loss of spouse section. Just another moment to grasp.

Butch

[shalady]

I must say I feel grateful for the graceful way you and your beloved were able to go through this. The tender circumstances, the abounding share of love. It sounds so peaceful. You have so much to face now. We will help all we can. Lean on us as we lean on each other. This is a most difficult journey, different for each of us. Be gentle to yourself. Take your time. I pray for you.

[kayc]

Butch,

So much I want to say to you and yet there's nothing to say at all...your last bit of time with her was so precious, it went the way she wanted, she got to be at home with you and no longer dependent on machines, no longer trapped in her body that ceased to work. Leo and Shannon and Iggy are keeping her company until you can join them. It was fine to want your family unit alone, you, her, your son, you were the closest ones to her. The little ones can understand grandma is in heaven, they can understand that they will see her again someday. They will grieve too in their own way. Don't be surprised if even your dog grieves, our Lucky did when George died, she acted out, my daughter had to point out to me what was going on with her.

I'm glad hospice is there for you and has been a help to you. We all need someone there with us in the early days to help us.

You will need to try and take care of yourself, even when you don't feel like it, to breathe, to eat, to drink lots of water, to try and sleep. Guard yourself and try not to overextend yourself, you will need your strength.

Peace for you, may sleep not elude you.

[R.Everit55]

Kay, apparently you were replying here at the same time I was sending you a message.

Thank you.

Right now, sleep escapes me. Family members are sleeping. My Son is awake with me and Little Man. Right now, he and the dog are having the worst time. Little Man is so unsettled and very jumpy and whiny. He and Mary were inseparable and each other's hearts. And our Son is so effected by the loss of his a mommy. Yes he's 26 and still called Mary "mommy". He is worried for his boys too. I told him the boys are more resilient and forgiving than I think we adults are. They were shielded from the harsh realities of what this cruel angry disease was. They just knew their Grammy was sick and going to Heaven.

Myself, I'm not really much of anything specifically. Just here. Awake. Numb.

I feel like I'm the only one awake in this world and I'm the only one really feeling nothing. I've never lost someone so dear. Yes Ziggy, Leo, and Shannon were close to me. But she was my heart, my beloved, my reason, my world, my everything. Yet I feel NOTHING.

Going to try to lay down at least. And try to settle the pup.

[MartyT]

Those feelings will come in time, dear Butch. Right now you are in a state of shock and disbelief. It is Nature's way of cushioning the blow. Right now, just rest as you are able, and let others care for you. We're all holding you gently in our hearts ♥

[kayc]

Butch,

Marty said it right...shock is the body's way of shielding us until we are more ready to absorb and deal with it. The feelings will come later, and when they do, don't be afraid to let yourself feel them, let the tears flow, it's like a release valve on a pressure cooker and it's balm to the soul. You're right, I believe children are resilient. It's harder for them to watch ongoing pain than it seems to be to deal with death and change. Your son is still so young, it's going to hit him hard. I lost my mom in August, but I think it's harder for those who are young, they don't expect to lose them yet, they feel they still need them. Give Little Man lots of love and attention! I remember how quickly Mary and him bonded.

[enna]

Oh dear Butch,

To say that I am so sorry that you are going through this doesn't really express the feeling that those of us who have lost our soul mates feel.

Yes, you are in a state of shock and this will last for as long as it lasts. Now is the time to allow others to care for you. Allow them to take care of things that need to be done. People will surround you and be there for you during these early weeks. Children are very resilient and your son will always miss his "mommy" for that is how it is.

You have lost the love of your life. I liked the way you and Mary spent those last hours. How wonderful that you saw the love Mary has for you in her eyes. That was a deep communication of love that both of you have for one another.

We are here and will be for you as long as you need us. We are a tight group and we do not allow anyone to walk this journey alone. Always remember that.

Anne

[HAP]

Dear Butch,

I know too well what you are feeling. If you need to talk, let me know.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Dear Butch, we all know the sadness and agony of the grief you are feeling. I am so sorry that Mary has left, but no more suffering for her. I am so sorry that you and your family has had such a history of loss in the last few years. Please know that we are here for you. We know that no matter how prepared you think you are, no one really ever is prepared.

Thinking of you, and praying.

QMary

[R.Everit55]

Thank you friends. So much. I'm quite humbled. ❤️

I managed to fall asleep for not even two hours. Woke with a jolt of anxiety immediately thinking why am I sleeping when my wife needs me. Then immediately realizing she is no longer here. It's not yet been even 48hrs. Why does it seem like weeks have passed? Why does it not at all feel real.

I also woke to her parents (adoptive parents who raised her) ridiculing me, judging me, and down right blaming me. Their take is that "I let her" throw herself into caring for Shannon after Leo passed. Had I not "let her" do this then her health would have held up and her body would have won this ALS battle. I asked them to please leave. Not before informing them that ALS is not something to be won or survived. And Not before informing them that never in our marriage did I ever "let her" do anything she had her heart and soul set upon. I never stood in her way. She made decisions and I could never nor would never get in her way. I apologized to them for their grief and for the loss of their daughter. However, I refuse to apologize for never standing in my wife's way. I told them I feel guilty enough for many reasons, but I cannot have others throw more guilt my way.

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked them to leave. But for mine and my son's hearts and sanity... I asked them to please go. Not out of disrespect. I quite respect them for caring for and loving my wife.

I then sat a while. And proceeded to talk to my brothers and parents and asked that they go home as well. I need this time right now for myself, our son, and our grandsons.

Now do I feel badly for making these decisions... Yes indeed. However, I need time and space.

I am angry. Not at anyone in particular. Just at this disease that stole my lovey from me, my son, and grandsons. Of all things, I am just angry. :-(

[kayc]

You don't win ALS. Taking care of Shannon did not cause her situation. You were well within your rights to ask them to leave. I'm sorry you went through that. You absolutely don't need that! I'm so glad you stood up to them, I had to do that with people a time or two also when my husband died. It seems a death seems to bring out the worst in some people. Also, I don't know why it is when you lose your spouse that others seem to think it's their God given right to tell you what to do! I'm sure your parents and brothers will understand and overlook it. It is a hard time at best and you haven't had any sleep to speak of in several days!

Of course you feel angry. I think that's what fuels Harry to try to make a change, a difference, in the disease that robbed him of his wife. Anger is part of the grieving process.

Her parents are grieving too and are also feeling angry, I just wish they hadn't directed it to you. They may feel differently later, we can only hope so.

I hope you get some more sleep tonight.

[KarenK]

Butch,

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Mary. She was such a special person.

My husband Ron has been gone for 20 months now, and my daughter Debbie for 6 months. It is still difficult for my heart to comprehend. Sadly my brain does.

I think any one of us who has been a caregiver can understand your waking and chastising yourself for being asleep. When I donated all of Ron's diabetic supplies and heart meds, I had to really convince myself he no longer needed them. For months I still slept with one eye open in case he called to me. In time that does abate. I hope you are getting some rest, although I know how difficult it is right now.

I am also sorry that your in-laws added to your grief with the crass thoughts they expressed. You certainly have no reason to feel guilty. Each of us here did the very best we could to care for our spouses and other loved ones. The outcome was simply not in our control.

I also was very angry at the poor medical care received by my husband and the atrocious Hospice care received by my daughter as well as the cancer that took them from me. In reality the anger was for nothing as it did not bring either of them back.

Please visit whenever you need us. This is a wonderful group of people.

Karen

[shalady]

Dear Butch I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Although a loved one is sick it never prepares us for the moment when we say goodbye. You can only take one day or one ever one minute at a time for now. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Take as best care of yourself as you can, you need strength. This life was between you and you dear wife. Ignore what others say, even though it is so very hurtful. They have no idea what you shared , what you have been through and what you now face. That is not an excuse for them. It was cruel what they have said. Hopefully they will realize it was in their own anger and they will apologize. If they don't it is ok. You have more important things right now. I hope you and your sons and grandsons will be able to console each other. This is a most difficult journey but I promise you are not alone. My beloved husband Bob of 38 years passed in September unexpectedly. I had been his caregiver for many years but his disabilities were not life threatening. We had no children together, he leaves a daughter. His death came suddenly. I still cry every day. I don't know what I would do without this group of friends here, so understanding, gentle and a great comfort. Sometimes I come here to read others comments. When I am emotionally able I will post. Each day is different, each day a challenge. I live in the peace of knowing my Bob is in Heaven and remember the love we shared, no one can ever take that away. It will remain with me forever. I wish you much comfort and peace. When you need us we are here my friend.

Shalady

[MartyT]

Oh Butch, I am so, so sorry that you had to endure such emotional abuse from your in-laws. Good for you for protecting your family and insisting that they leave. Please remember that no one can make you feel guilty without your consent. Without a doubt, this is misplaced anger, coming from two distraught people who obviously used you as a target for their grief. Put up your shield and keep it there, in case any more arrows are aimed at you. You are not to blame here. Not for anything. If there is anything to blame, aim it at the horrible disease that took your beloved. You could not have been a more devoted husband to your darling Mary. Don't let anyone take that certainty away from you.

[R.Everit55]

Thank you all. I feel less horrible for asking them to leave. But for myself, my son, and my grandsons... It was what's best.

It's three days since my sweet darling passed. Three days and it just feels like a lifetime. It certainly doesn't seem real. I expect to see her when I walk into the room and I expect to tend to her and then I realize she is just gone. I don't like this feeling of stoicism. Like I have no feelings. How can I have no feelings when my whole world, my life, my heart has gone away. If this is indeed a "protection" mechanism, I just don't want it. I want to feel. She was my everything. Yet I don't feel anything? How disrespectful to my wife.

I don't know. It's a few mins last midnight. I suppose I will just go try to lay down and just try not to question how things should or shouldn't be right now.