Tired Of Being Strong

[Margm]

On 4/12/2019 at 10:28 AM, Cookie said:

I talked to the doctor about withdrawal from the med, and she said it wouldn't be a problem. 

Cookie, I have the diagnosis of "chronic depression" and I thought I might have made my kids inherit bipolar from me.  I used to study this mental stuff trying to understand bipolar, knew it was what my dad had, so I guess I did pass it down to them.  Both are brilliant and talented, but there is something that gets in the way, guess it is just the difference between the manic phase and the depressive phase.  I remember my dad looking at the sky and saying the color some days was blue and other days just a dull gray.  At the time I did not understand, but my son, who he was talking to, he understood.  My chronic depression was covered pretty easily by an antidepressant Prozac, which I took for probably 15 years.  One time during a dream I bit Billy on the back.  Yes, it sounds funny in the telling, shocked the heck out of him.  I remember the vivid dream I was having and was losing a fight so I bit that person on the leg only to wake up with "Marg, what are you doing???"  Scared me too.  But it was still funny and is a comic legend in our family.  My doc cut me down on the Prozac as she thought it might  have had something to do with this.  Now, my long time psychiatrist was a true bipolar person also, so I felt very safe taking her advice.  I had no ill effects from the Prozac for so long except a complete lack of feelings of happiness, sadness, enjoyment, I was just a robot that did not cry.  I'm sure I took it too long.  We tried other ones, but it was the best for me.  They have come out with some better ones, I understand, I hope.  The blunted feelings I hated.  But, that was not depression, or was it?  They do not make everyone feel the same.  I cannot take anything but the Xanax now, because of the radiation destroyed tissue on my inside of my body (won't hold a stitch or glue), cannot be removed since the colon rupture.  At least I don't have to go for any more colonoscopies or GYN exams.  Some good things happened for a bad thing that would only be made worse.  

My schedule runs like this: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, take granddaughter to school.  She is still afraid to even attempt to drive, so Wednesday  we go to the big city to her counselor.  Then I have Friday free, if I have taken care of the business things I have to take my sister to, groceries, cigarettes, the essentials.  A widow who lives in the apartments asked if I had ever felt Billy's presence.  I have before, but I think I sent it away because it scared me.  Billy was never superstitious and would not want to scare me.  I am not strong mentally or physically.  I hurt in too many places to complain about.  They cannot fix me anyhow.  When I sit down for any period of time, I have to just stand still for a minute or two.  I'm okay once I get over the hurting initially, then if I can keep going.  Doc wanted to check my blood work.  Why?  I cannot take any more pills.  I will keep running until that white light comes on showing I'm out of gasoline.  Then someone else will have to do what I do.  I don't think I will worry by then.

Word salads are sometimes what mental patients do with words, lots of words, sometimes makes no sense whatsoever, but I get "carried away."

 

[saraheasy]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7

On 4/12/2019 at 9:05 PM, Marg M said:

Word salads are sometimes what mental patients do with words, lots of words, sometimes makes no sense whatsoever, but I get "carried away."

 

It was not words salad actually, everything is absolutely clear and your feelings are understandable. I sympathize with you. I think you are very strong mentally and if you complain about everything, even if it seems impossible, you would probably feel relieved, believe me.

[Cookie]

On 4/12/2019 at 2:05 PM, Marg M said:

Cookie, I have the diagnosis of "chronic depression" and I thought I might have made my kids inherit bipolar from me.  I used to study this mental stuff trying to understand bipolar, knew it was what my dad had, so I guess I did pass it down to them.  Both are brilliant and talented, but there is something that gets in the way, guess it is just the difference between the manic phase and the depressive phase.  I remember my dad looking at the sky and saying the color some days was blue and other days just a dull gray.  At the time I did not understand, but my son, who he was talking to, he understood.  My chronic depression was covered pretty easily by an antidepressant Prozac, which I took for probably 15 years.  One time during a dream I bit Billy on the back.  Yes, it sounds funny in the telling, shocked the heck out of him.  I remember the vivid dream I was having and was losing a fight so I bit that person on the leg only to wake up with "Marg, what are you doing???"  Scared me too.  But it was still funny and is a comic legend in our family.  My doc cut me down on the Prozac as she thought it might  have had something to do with this.  Now, my long time psychiatrist was a true bipolar person also, so I felt very safe taking her advice.  I had no ill effects from the Prozac for so long except a complete lack of feelings of happiness, sadness, enjoyment, I was just a robot that did not cry.  I'm sure I took it too long.  We tried other ones, but it was the best for me.  They have come out with some better ones, I understand, I hope.  The blunted feelings I hated.  But, that was not depression, or was it?  They do not make everyone feel the same.  I cannot take anything but the Xanax now, because of the radiation destroyed tissue on my inside of my body (won't hold a stitch or glue), cannot be removed since the colon rupture.  At least I don't have to go for any more colonoscopies or GYN exams.  Some good things happened for a bad thing that would only be made worse.  

My schedule runs like this: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, take granddaughter to school.  She is still afraid to even attempt to drive, so Wednesday  we go to the big city to her counselor.  Then I have Friday free, if I have taken care of the business things I have to take my sister to, groceries, cigarettes, the essentials.  A widow who lives in the apartments asked if I had ever felt Billy's presence.  I have before, but I think I sent it away because it scared me.  Billy was never superstitious and would not want to scare me.  I am not strong mentally or physically.  I hurt in too many places to complain about.  They cannot fix me anyhow.  When I sit down for any period of time, I have to just stand still for a minute or two.  I'm okay once I get over the hurting initially, then if I can keep going.  Doc wanted to check my blood work.  Why?  I cannot take any more pills.  I will keep running until that white light comes on showing I'm out of gasoline.  Then someone else will have to do what I do.  I don't think I will worry by then.

Word salads are sometimes what mental patients do with words, lots of words, sometimes makes no sense whatsoever, but I get "carried away."

 

Marg:  Sounds like you have more than your share of challenging things...thanks for sharing so openly.  I did start the Prozac, 5 mg, and by the seventh day couldn't tolerate it anymore.  The very thing I was taking it for, anxiety, was terribly heightened, I felt restless, couldn't think straight, so had to go off of it.  Obviously, I am sensitive to it.  Doc said to wait a week and we would try something else.  A little nervous, as that was terrible.  I just want a break from this unrelenting anxiety I've had since the day my husband died.  I will try one other; hope something works.  I'm pretty med-sensitive, though.  I'll let you know what happens.....hugs, Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, my granddaughter's nurse takes Prozac, and she takes it for anxiety.  (See how different we all are.  It did make me shake worse.)  She says it cured her anxiety. 

You are going to have some symptoms from any antidepressant, and if they are not too bad, you give them time to work.  If you cannot tolerate the symptoms, you have to quit them.  It took me a while to learn some pills are not magic.  A long time I thought all pills were magic.  

The depression we are all going through is a natural depression from loss.  "I am you, you are me" and suddenly 1/2 of that is gone.  The 17th was 3-1/2 years Billy has been gone.  Yesterday I thought, well, if it hurts so much just pretend he left you for another woman and get angry at him.  After all, C.S. Lewis said "someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again" so I will make up my  own.

If you feel the depression is so bad that you want "to leave" then  you might try another one.  I went into antidepressants with the attitude they would help, but like I said, I was so far gone a sugar pill would have helped if the doc had told me of the miracles it performed.  Do you know they used Tofranil to stop bed wetting.  That was what it was used for first, antidepressant effect was noticed later on. (I will say I never wet the bed while on it.)  Not all antidepressants have the same side effects, if you try another, don't read the side effects unless you start having something you cannot put up with.  Did you know one side effect of penicillin  is a black hairy tongue.  After 43 years of typing all these symptoms and side effects, at the very last I  typed a patient with that symptom.

Another word salad.  Just don't give up on things and suffer more than we already do..  💘 goes out to you.  Let us hear from you. 

[kayc]

Cookie, Marg is right that they affect us all differently.  I had an (ex) sister-in-law that started on Prozac (unfortunately AFTER I'd left the family) and it turned her night into day a different person.  The old Annie was a pill, let me tell you, now she's sweet, I couldn't believe it!  Figures I didn't get to see the new her!  I had a coworker that was on Prozac and took herself off it (you're supposed to do so with the doctor's knowledge and care) suddenly and she turned into a bear.  She even hit me when I was busy working at my desk!  

I'm on Buspar (Buspirone), very mild, I've had no side effects and have been on it for 11 years for anxiety.  I'm on the lowest dose and maybe could stand a little more but don't want to overmedicate.  I haven't had an anxiety attack in years now.

[Margm]

And, again different people.  Buspar made me nauseated to such an extent, I could not take it and tried about three different times.  The Prozac gave my granddaughter's nurse relief from her anxiety, it gave me the shakes worse than I already have.  Different physical body types.  I think it is most times like shooting an arrow with a blindfold on.  My poor daughter has been on every kind they make at least once, and yes, one did give her diabetes.  It's a jungle out here in la-la land.  

[kayc]

Yep!  We all have different systems.  I read their list and haven't gotten any of them.  I think perhaps Lipitor gave my family Diabetes.

[Margm]

I think I will just get rid of the "word salad" I just put out.  Sorry.  Some days I feel like this.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 Finally, I told the nurse I would have to be crazy to come back to a doctor I had asked not to be put on any new pill, no heroic efforts to save me, but she had tried to kill me with her ignorance. 

  No answers, except listen to your own mind, your own body, and your own outside influence, if you trust them.  I have lost trust.  Most usual, all of Marty's advice hits the nail on the head.  (For me.)  But, in some cases other help is needed.  Only you know your own mentality.  This sounds so cut and dried.  I guess it is for me.

So much of what you said hit me like a ton of bricks this morning.   The above 2 particularly.  I’m so tired of pillls and treatments being shoved at me despite my questions about side effects or long term outcome.  All the doctors know is what they have been told and while many do achieve success, many don’t.  But I expect to be listened to regarding my concerns as that leaves me researching it my own which always brings conflicting conclusions.  I’ve tried the no looking something up route also and have had horrid side effects so I know it isn’t what I read, yet I do always have worry working against me.  The few times I have managed to forget I took something  new are long gone.  I trust pharmacists more as they talk to patients more about reactions as they deal with larger populations with this stuff.  Fortunately my doctor listens, it is the specialists I have too many of that don’t and can’t answer for another’s combo with theirs.  I can’t eveb get them to consult with each other.  They dump it back on my primary doctor who sent me to them because she can’t know everything and need the help too.  It’s a huge Catch 22. 

I was in the ER Friday because I couldn’t breathe and felt my chest crushed.  Besides taking 3 hours to even see a doctor, they just took xrays and blood and said it wasn’t an infection (I have a very bad lung condition) and said something about steroids, I think,  which I cannot do and sent me home saying follow up with my docs.  I kept telling them something is wrong and the most I could get was a 'flare up, maybe progression.  I understand that ER's are not designed for long term care. They are for pointing you in the right direction.  It being Friday all the docs are off.  On call ones don’t know my history so that is usually pointless.  I was so angry my arthritis doc said so many symptoms were thyroid, but would not order a test.  You’d think she would want to know but wanted my regular doc to order it.  A simple phone call on her part to the lab and all my docs would have access to it.  I had to twist the ER docs arm to get it so I didn’t have to go back the next day to the lab.  He saw the signs, but said it wasn’t what he was seeing me for.  It was the breathing issue.  And still no one can tell me why my breathing is worse since I quit smoking.  Dragging around an oxygen tube and always so weak.  

So  where does the trust come in?  My retired doc was a hands on fighter for his patients.  He didn’t adhere to these 20 minute visits.  We’d go thru everything which often meant well over an hour.  I always left feeling I meant something and my issues addressed with a real game plan.  I love my new doc, but she is in the machine so I have to prioritize and pray I get enough in to handle what is the most pressing.  Her nursecisnt like his nurse either about following up well.  

And thru these nightmares, I have to face them alone.  No Steve to keep me grounded.  Or try.  I do know his presence was as powerful if not more to my anxiety meds which is all I have now.  Little pills instead of someone to hold me or be with me like at the ER as I always was for him and ask questions til we got satisfactory answers.  No one to stand back with a clearer head because as  the patient you are afraid or in distress.  I did that for years for him, no one for me.  I get lost for words he could relate to them coherently.  

Yesterday I did my volunteering and had no shortness of breath.  Today it’s back.  But today is shopping day which I hate now.  I give up saying any more as nothing makes sense today.  It might be the day I break down and call the crisis line.  And the thought of that just magnifies my loneliness.

word salad"........chooose your dressing.  Croutons with that?

[kayc]

Arlie woke me up at 2:30 needing to go out, which is rare for him, and I never got back to sleep.  I'm going to pay for it today.  I have to drive 110 round trip to the doctor, God if I don't hate going to the doctor, I'm getting fed up with this place and their attitudes which my sister says they get from the insurance.  Maybe, but I miss my old doctor like you said, Gwen, he is a thing of the past now.  I'm having to fast which I don't mind but sure miss my morning cup of coffee especially since I'm sleepy!

Gwen, I'm sorry you had to deal with the ER again, I know that's no fun.  I'm so envious of everyone who has someone to go through stuff with.  They're already hounding me about a colonoscopy even though it's not due until September, they don't know what it's like to have such a long trip in and no one to take you...ever.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

they don't know what it's like to have such a long trip in and no one to take you...ever.

Kay, will they do a colonoscopy with no one with you to drive you home?  My sister went "to the big city" and kept her appointment, but one of the written rules was that she had to have someone drive her home.  Of course, that was when she had a car, and I am pretty sure she read that on the instructions.  

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Arlie woke me up at 2:30 needing to go out, which is rare for him, and I never got back to sleep. 

I have to drive 110 round trip to the doctor, God if I don't hate going to the doctor, I I'm having to fast which I don't mind but sure miss my morning cup of coffee especially since I'm sleepy!

I'm so envious of everyone who has someone to go through stuff with.  They're already hounding me about a colonoscopy even though it's not due until September, they don't know what it's like to have such a long trip in and no one to take you...ever.

Kayc:  Our fur babies have alarm clocks that aren't always timed with ours.  I really don't know how you can drive without coffee.  I wouldn't dare get into a car to drive without my "fix".  But, guess, we have to do what we have to do. 

I recently had to change my primary care doctor because of her retirement.  I had been with her since about 20 years ago and followed her even though she moved her office about an hour away.  Luckily, I was able to find a new primary care doctor, another female,  that is only about 5 minutes away.  I seem to be more comfortable with female doctors?  The new doctor immediately referred me for two tests, a bone density, only 15 minutes away; and an ultra sound at a hospital located in downtown Tacoma, about 45 minutes away.  Have not driven that area since my husband passed away 4 years ago.  Brought back so many heart wrenching feelings as I had to drive myself.  If he were here, he would have driven me and waited in the waiting room.   I was holding my breath when she was asking when my last colonoscopy was.  If she orders one, I will have to schedule it when my daughter comes for a visit.  The last one, my hubby was there.  More heart wrenching feelings.  My hubby was there.

[Gwenivere]

Have to have a driver after a colonoscopy unless you want to stay awake for it!  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Have to have a driver after a colonoscopy unless you want to stay awake for it!  

Gwen:  Really??? Your answer made me laugh out loud.  Tell me you were teasing.  Or, maybe I have a sick sense of humor. 

I remember my last colonoscopy when my husband drove me home after the test, I was starving and we stopped so I could fill up on some carbs at a pancake restaurant.  I can still his blue eyes staring at me as I blabbed my head off.  Couldn't stop talking and he just sat there and listened to me the whole meal.  Miss my sweet husband.   Dee

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know if you ever saw the show Men of a Certain Age, but 3 buddies decided to get thier scopes done at the same time.  Ray Romano didn’t want the drugs and the look on his face when they wheeled him out was hysterical.  Talk about bug eyed!   Everyone I know that has one says it’s the only thing that makes the prep worth it.  First thing they did was eat too....a lot!  🌭🍟🍕🍩🍳

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know if you ever saw the show Men of a Certain Age, but 3 buddies decided to get thier scopes done at the same time.  Ray Romano didn’t want the drugs and the look on his face when they wheeled him out was hysterical.  Talk about bug eyed!   Everyone I know that has one says it’s the only thing that makes the prep worth it.  First thing they did was eat too....a lot!  🌭🍟🍕🍩🍳

Gwen: No, never watched Men of a Certain Age - sounds hilarious.   Dee

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Have to have a driver after a colonoscopy unless you want to stay awake for it!  

Yeah, I know that...don't relish it, but if I can't find someone to drive me, will have to be awake for it.  Doctor sent a referral to one but haven't heard from them yet.  Also have to see a dermatologist to remove a couple of moles off my back that she said looked iffy, she wants me to see a derm. every year to keep an eye on them.  Lovely genes from my dad.

Today I have to drive all the way to Creswell to get a shingles shot, only ones who have them.  Ugh.  After driving so much yesterday, I don't relish it.

Got my haircut yesterday and the gal literally butchered my hair above and behind my ears, I look bald there now, no wonder she didn't show me the back of it, I aim to complain about it and find another place to go to.  I will be embarrassed to show my head the next 4-6 weeks!

Also have to see an eye doctor, nearest appt. is in June.  Seems the older you get you spend all your time trying to stay alive, am wondering why.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I recently had to change my primary care doctor because of her retirement.  I had been with her since about 20 years ago and followed her even though she moved her office about an hour away.

I had my old doctor about 33 years and this one about 9 years.  I came home and had to spend two hours on the phone with doctors offices, insurance, and pharmacies, ugh!  Seems you just get through doing everything they want you to do and it's time to start the whole thing all over again!  If I don't wish George was here...

[Gwenivere]

This seemed like the appropriate topic.  After being at Urgent Care yesterday for feeling confused and uncontrolled anxiety, I’m in the ER now the day.  I talked to a friend because I couldn’t decide.  She suggested that maybe coming here could at least lower the anxiety as my mind is going to worst case sceneries.  (She really helped getting me in and stayed til I had a room.)And if there is one, I’d want to know.  All I do know is I don’t feel safe at home right now.  I’ve had all the tests and waiting.  I don’t notice this as bad at night, but waking up it feels like major withdrawal.  I know I have the cig thing going, but when the Xanax doesn’t help much its scary.   I’ve been so stressed out in the last few weeks I really fear losing my mind.  I better stop writing as it focuses me more on this mess.  As always, I can’t have what I need most....Steve.  

[widow'15]

8 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

This seemed like the appropriate topic.  After being at Urgent Care yesterday for feeling confused and uncontrolled anxiety, I’m in the ER now the day.  I talked to a friend because I couldn’t decide.  She suggested that maybe coming here could at least lower the anxiety as my mind is going to worst case sceneries.  (She really helped getting me in and stayed til I had a room.)And if there is one, I’d want to know.  All I do know is I don’t feel safe at home right now.  I’ve had all the tests and waiting.  I don’t notice this as bad at night, but waking up it feels like major withdrawal.  I know I have the cig thing going, but when the Xanax doesn’t help much its scary.   I’ve been so stressed out in the last few weeks I really fear losing my mind.  I better stop writing as it focuses me more on this mess.  As always, I can’t have what I need most....Steve.  

Gwen:  So glad your friend was there.  Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

but when the Xanax doesn’t help much its scary.

Gwen, I'm allowed two a day of the 1 mg.  I have taken two a day before, and at worse 3-4 a day (so, I have to do without them some days, and that is okay), but not nights.  The more I take, the less good they do me.  Not preaching, just Rx history.  If I go with one at night, I'm okay.  But, I'm not in the "fix" you are in right now.  I'm just saying, the more you take, the less they do and you need more and more.  My insurance won't let me have but 60 a month and I have to go to my old clinic where I moved from.  They won't give them to me in Louisiana like that.  People hear Xanax and they think "oh horrors" and it is "oh horrors" if a person drinks with them, it is Russian roulette.  I don't know how many shells a pistol holds, but five might get clicks and that 6th will do you in.  I also know, after being addicted to prescription biphetamines, if you get off "cold turkey" you go psychotic.  I know that.  I look at my little towns I had all around me growing up and they were so clean and no crime.  Now, probably at least one on each block cooks the meth (does a person cook meth?).  You watch and the ones that have people visit them all the times and our little tiny clean towns are ghost towns, if we grew those tumbleweeds, they would be blowing through the streets (or someone would find a way to add them to the cooking meth).  You can see I don't know much about that.  But I know addiction.  Xanax is one you can coast off of, if you had to, and there would be no physical addiction missing it.  I once picked my son's "stash" (can that be pills?), we flushed black capsules down the commode and one stuck to the side.  Only I saw it.  I went and picked it back up and was so astonished at how low I had sunk that I flushed it too.  My grandson is lost in the drug fields of California, we cannot get him in rehab.  My son has been there to get him and it did not help.  He hides if my son tries to find him.  Cross country 3-4 times and still cannot get him.  And I think of my dad suffering with cancer pain from prostate cancer and was afraid he would get hooked on pain pills.  But, if you back off one day of as much Xanax, the next day it will do better.  Easy for me to say, huh.  Just the more you take, the less good it does.  I'm not afraid of Xanax, but those kids on that crack and meth, they are in for a rough time.  We fought it out with my son, he conquered it, but it damaged his liver bad.  So, I worry with my sister's COPD, my daughter's tumors next to her spinal cord, my son, with his health, my granddaughter's ability to overcome her fears of the world and hope I can live long enough to help them.  My thoughts are with you Gwen, my heart, and whether you think it helps or not (or whether I have enough faith to reach higher than the ceiling), you have my prayers too.  I love you my friend and wish you were closer.  I do have Friday free.

[Gwenivere]

Love you too, Marg.  ❤️

People that use drugs like Xanax for a high develop tolerance.  When they are taken for a condition like my panic disorder, they don’t do that.  What would make a normal person sleepy doesn’t do that when used for it.  There are times when stress is too high and I might need more, but when things calm down I can go back to my regular dose.  The shrink that diagnosed me said they were like a dam and if the anxiety overflows is when it needs increasing.  It’s unfortunate it has gotten a bad rep from abusers as it is a life saver for so many with physical anxiety disorders.  Now they push SSRI's.  They work for many, but often in combo with a benzo.  I’ve had over 30 years of living with this so I’ve learned a lot about it.  I do know you can’t coast off Xanax.  It’s addictive, but I hate that word when used for true medical conditions.  I’m dependent on it like a diabetic is to insulin.  

I’m so sorry about your son.  That has to be very hard on a mother to see happen and not fix.😰

 

 

 

 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s unfortunate it has gotten a bad rep from abusers as it is a life saver for so many with physical anxiety disorders.  Now they push SSRI's.

I think that when Prozac came out they said it cured anxiety and a lot more physical disorders it didn't really cover (for me).  Someone wrote a book about it.  It was thought of as some wonder drug that for me caused more shaking and diarrhea, yet Brianna's nurse said it cured her anxiety and she would not live without it.  My first antidepressant came after a total psychotic break and after one pill I felt I was cured.  It does not work that way and for all the notoriety that Prozac got, it didn't do, for me, the wonder drug qualities.  The lowly imipramine served me as a miracle drug, but I was at the point if I had been given a sugar pill and told what it could do, it would have done it.  I did take Xanax for seven years once before, had enough saved up that when my psychiatrist fired me (because I would not be admitted), I had enough to coast off easily.  That was from various doses, high to low.  I did not have the mental dependence I had on the biphetamines, which cold turkey coming off nearly killed physically me and Billy.  I was so out of control.  When she fired me, I had nothing to stand on, but I did/was able to slowly get off them.  Make no mistake, I do not plan on getting off them at all now, unless I am unable physically to go get them.  There is a blood pressure med that is supposed to help my shaking, but it causes depression.  The Xanax does not stop it completely, but enough that it is medically necessary.  I know there is a higher dose than I take.  So far I can function on this.  The shaking is something I have to learn to live with.  The anxiety is something I won't live with.  I understand.  Oh, one side effect when coming off the antidepressants (heard called Paxil flu) is something I call "quickening".   I know of no other word to describe it.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope they come up with a solution that works for you.  I know some medicines are miracles for some and don't work for others and I hope they consider that.  Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way, I know this is and has been hard to live with.  (((hugs)))

[Kieron]

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

it didn't do, for me, the wonder drug qualities. 

Wow, Marg, all of this sounds like such a stressful experience.  😮 

Having worked in mental health for many years, I will say this: medications like these, when tested on humans, are tested on volunteers.  According to my understanding, most volunteers of medication trials are men, and/or people of white/European descent.  Medications often (but not always) behave differently in the physiology or physical makeup of women and children (being physically smaller in size), and that of people of other ethnic/racial groups.  I believe that may account for the wide range of possible side effects (or no effects!), some of them being quite unpleasant.

I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone, but many of the folks who have crossed my path amaze me with their resilience.  They have shown me what is really important in life, as well as "walk a mile in my shoes" and realizing how many advantages I have had in life.  Humbling, to say the least.  😕