Too much pain

[Kpl48]

Every new day seems worse than the last. When I go out to my support group meetings, my intense grief subsides. When I'm alone, the grief takes hold again. It's been a year now. I want this awful pain to end. I get stuck in the pain. I want my husband. He's gone. We spent all of our free time together for 23 years. All I think about is how much I miss him. 

When I'm in this kind of pain I think I can describe it. I need to get it out. As I write I realize I can't really describe how tortured I feel. My chest tightens up, my stomach turns, my muscles tense, my face contorts. I cry, I call out for him, I call out for God. I look at his pictures. I can almost see him again. But he's gone. I feel so alone. I need to get past this. It hurts too much. 

Kristine

[debi.williams]

I read your words and I can totally echo them. It has been just under 3 months for me and everything you say applies. The pain is dreadful, worse than I could ever have imagined. I literally ache to see him and hear his voice again. We were together for almost 20 years (he was 49 years old when he passed without warning in 24 hours) and I have no living family except my 16 year old son. I thought I had been doing reasonably well as in managing to work and not lose myself completely when out in public, but last Friday I had a meltdown and the full weight of my pain still rests here with me. 

You say it has been a year and I have read in several books on this awful subject that year 2 is the hardest of all. I can't imagine feeling any worse than I do now - I can't imagine there are further depths to this grief - but it makes me wonder because of what you have written.

I am so sorry, I am being no comfort to you or any practical help whatsoever. I simply don't know what to say to either of us that could ease this horror in any way. All I can do is reach out to you and say I understand, I understand completely. Sometimes I try and remind myself that what we are experiencing the world has experienced since time began and survived. Our grief comes to every human at some point. That is no comfort I know. all I know is I have spared him this pain because he passed first - it wasn't meant to be at such a young age nevertheless - somehow I will keep living and so will you because we can't let the men we love with every fibre of our being down. I wish you love and strength x  

[Kpl48]

Thank you so much for understanding and sharing. It's almost impossible to describe the pain, isn't it? I'm sorry we both had such terrible losses. People I trust tell me the grief never goes away, but the constant pain does decrease. I've been helped to feel the grief, rather than numbing it out. It's just so horribly painful. 

Much Love

Kristine

[debi.williams]

Kristine, The thanks are mine for you listening in the midst of your own grief. You are right, it is impossible to describe to anyone who hasn't lived or isn't living, our horror. This awfulness HAS to decrease because we cannot live our lives forever like this, but until the rawness subsides we can't imagine feeling any better. Numbing the pain sounds an attractive option but we both know it can't be numbed forever so we have to go on living through step by painful step until one day it lessens. That day can't come fast enough.

Much love

Debi

[Gwenivere]

I can echo what you are feeling.  I hit year 2 the end of this month.  Everyone kept telling me the first was the hardest and I am finding that a myth.  The first was not only the emotional pain, but practical matters too that supplied a buffer to the reality of the foreverness of this.  Now that those are done it is just the emotions and they are crushing.  The physical responses also intensify this as I have all you listed.  Every day I wake up now I think....I can't do this again.   We had 37 years and to have that just disappear IS indescribable.  I find no meaning in anything right now.  He is all around me in our home except the most important way.  A year of no interaction is a very cold and dark place.  The one thing I could really use us a hug from him because he was the only one that could make me feel better in the worst of times.  Talk about ultimate irony.

[Kpl48]

The pain is indescribable! It's agony. That's what's so helpful about this group. There are times when I feel I just can't make it through, but I read a share and come to know others are experiencing the same levels of grief. I hate that we are all feeling this way, but at least I'm not alone. Most of the time I feel as if I'm just surviving the hours until I go to sleep again. Then I wake up to overwhelming pain. I push myself to connect with others and that does help. If only I could accept that he will always be with me as I build the new life he wanted me to have. He told me to have a good life - that's what he wanted for me. I don't know how to do it without him! My therapist and support group friends tell me I'm doing a good job of grieving, and that the pain and side effects are part of it. When I remember to focus on the present, one step at a time, I'm almost at peace for a moment  I'm so grateful we have each other  

Kristine

[Gwenivere]

I know that feeling.  I wake up and sometimes the only purpose if the day is to make it to when I get to go to sleep again, although I know I will wake to the same pattern.  Steve wanted me to have a good life too.  Made sure I had what I needed.  The hitch is without him, I have yet to think of a way to do that.  I volunteer a couple of times a week and the dogs always like going for walks, but that does not do it anymore without him.  My counsellor days I am fling a good job too.  I really don't know what that means.   If she means feeling the worst I have ever felt, well, I am doing that.  Crying?  That's another easy one.  But meaning....that is the elusive part.

[Gwenivere]

Oops, darned tablet likes to change words on me.....not fling....doing in above post.  Another thing that is so strange is I clean like I used to but often there really is no urgency or even need.  It's to fill time in a way I was used to.  Shopping is so different too.  So much less to buy as some were only things he liked.  I've basically lost my job.   And one I really loved.

[Kpl48]

I totally relate. He was the biggest part of my life. Andre did all the deep cleaning. I can keep the house neat, but I can't bring myself to do the deep cleaning. So I had professionals come last week and they did a great job. I'm going to have them come every three weeks. I don't have much food in the house. I don't eat a lot of his favorites so my shopping list is much shorter. I don't have much of an appetite anymore, but I know I must eat. Cooking reminds me too much of him. When I cook, I can't eat it! So I get prepared foods to eat in, or I eat out. Almost everything in my life reminds me he is gone. Instead of building a new life, this new life is tearing me apart. Things have to change; it's the only hope I have. I pray I can learn to live the way he wanted me to. 

[Gwenivere]

I so get the cooking thing.  Occasionally I will cook, but I am so tired of sitting at the table alone.  I tried once taking up his placemat and it so bothered me it is still there.  Talk about the changes that are constant reminders.  I lost a lot if weight the last year and I can't enjoy the fun ways to gain it back.  Eating is just another daily task.  No pleasure there.  

I know that they wanted us to live 'happy', contented and safe lives.   What your Andre and my Steve didn't take into account is they were the ones that made that happen.  How do you make the recipe when missing a vital ingredient?  

[Scottsgirl]

Kristine,

I'm not going to be of much help to you as I am only 33 days into this nightmare. I do understand however what you said about feeling better after your sessions, I do feel better after my sessions with the grief councillor at the cancer centre where my darling Scott was being treated. Problem is what about every evening when my 16 yr old son goes to bed and im alone with my thoughts. The tears, anger, hopelessness of the situation smack me in the face once again. And again and again. 

I understand the lack of food in the house, if I never eat pizza or Chinese take-out again it would be just fine with me. I can't bear to even look at them in the supermarket without tears welling up in my eyes. 

So all in all, like I said, I'm not much help but I do offer a shoulder and an ear. Please write whatever you feel you need to, me and I'm certain a bunch of others are more than willing to listen. Please take care of yourself, and I hope for better minutes or hours if entire days aren't to be had just yet. 

Cheers, Pam

[kayc]

I felt a sense of accomplishment at my one year mark as I'd made it through all of the "firsts without", no easy feat!  BUT, as many attest, the second year can seem even harder.  I hate to say that because I don't want to paint a bleak picture, but the truth is, grief work isn't over any time soon, and it took me a full three years to process George's death, and the rest I just have to live with.;..for the rest of my life.  It's not all doom and gloom though, I've learned a lot on this journey, learned to give myself permission to smile or laugh, to enjoy life.  Learned whatever I feel is valid and okay, and the tears can come at any time, but little by little it seems to be less frequent.  I've learned to draw from George from inside of me, and that he's never away from me, he's just in different form.  I've learned to go on faith, faith that we'll be together again, faith our love is even stronger than it ever was, that we still understand each other, and I'm able to derive comfort and encouragement from him whenever it's needed.  He is still very much a part of my every day life.

[iPraiseHim]

I'm only eight months in this grief journey.  I'm amazed I made it this far. I went from Shock, Awe, disbelief, denial, going through the motions of life, learning to live without my beloved wife is the hardest.  I'm thankful she doesn't have to go through this trauma.  I'm thankful she is finally relieved of the weakening disability of the onslaught of her disease. My wife was weak and disabled from the ravaging effect of diabetes for six years.  The shock of her dying, the absence of my being able to care for her and love her daily, it all takes a toll.  Mentally and physically, I know she has exited this physical world, but my heart and soul still want her here with me. I want what I can not have.  The Serenity Prayer sums up what I need to focus on today.  I cannot change the past or the future.  I do best when I live in today, but that is difficult to do. 

It helped me today to Pray the Lord would cause me to focus on God and His glory and not me and my pain.  I trust God for my salvation, adoption, and redemption.  I need to focus on Him and his ability to provide what I need.  two days ago, I was in too much pain to even be wiling to ask for help.  God understands that too. Many times I pray for the willingness to be willing to change to conform to His likeness and grace.  A day at a time, a step at a time, a moment at a time.

Initially, I could hardly function, this group with all of the kind support and help encouraged me to take care of myself, eat, sleep, rest, just move forward.  Each of us need s to find their way and what works for them.  My confidence/trust is in Jesus Christ. He gave me almost 26 wonderful years with my beloved bride. I trust God knows what is the best for me in the future.  I still grieve, mourn, cry, shout, but I know it is all a part of this process God gives me to express the loss of my wife and adjust to this new way of life.it's no picnic.  two days ago I was unable to cope. I texted a friend, "bring shovel".  He knew that meant to pray for me. I'm in too deep to crawl out myself.  I just deal with whatever emotions surface by His Grace.  Praying for all of us on this journey.  Shalom, George

[kayc]

I like that, George, "Bring shovel".  I, too, love the Serenity Prayer, it seems to sum up what we need to know & do.

[enna]

I am reading all of your posts and it brings many memories back to me about the first and second year of grief. As a matter of fact, the number of years we are grieving does not matter. Grief is grief and it will always be with us. It is the work we put into it that matters. We slowly learn to live our new lives.

I will be 40 months on the 25^th of this month and I will always miss my spouse of forty years. It was not until well into my second year that I took this grief work to heart. The best thing that happened to me was finding this safe place to express the tortuous pain I was feeling. It is a fact that in our culture people have set a timeline on grief. There is no timeline. There is no going back to the way it was before we lost our soul mates. What we gradually begin to accept is the reality that we will embark on new lives and weave our spouses into those lives.

Some of the best advice given to me during this time continues to be “Almost everything you are feeling is NORMAL.”  Feeling of loneliness, lack of pleasure in eating, loss or gain in weight, sleeplessness, health issues, friends and our families lack of support after a certain time, not being able to concentrate on almost anything, crying, not being able to cry, needing to leave stores, forgetting appointments, etc…

What is “grief work?” It is seeking grief counseling or support groups to talk about our losses. It is recognizing that all feelings are okay as long as we don’t act on anything that may hurt or harm others or ourselves; It is journaling about our grief whether it be here on this forum or in a notebook or even in a blog; It is reading all we can about what is normal in grief by experts; It is being honest when someone asks us how we are; Those people who really care will not back away from us because they really do want to know; It is accepting our sadness and sitting with our grief; all too often we do not want the uncomfortable feelings so we busy ourselves with things to do.

None of us can mourn 24/7 so it is necessary to continue with our lives and let that be a part of our healing. There are people here who have gone before us and there will be others who come after us. What we have here on this forum is a communal tribe who passes no judgments, but allows us to express ourselves as we move through this part of our lives that none of us asked for. Here, we are not alone.

Anne

[MartyT]

♥

[mik]

Kristene

There is nothing that I can say or anyone can say that eases the pain of losing that person.  It does seem that when we are alone and after it gets quite that the pain does intensify

I can only say that we have all felt our own grief and that you are not alone.   As horrible as you feel its hard to imagine any future where you might feel any other way...But the pain does lessen.  It almost sounds impossible to believe, As I grieved it was almost as though my mind and body were being healed in some way by the very expression of my tears and my loss.  I cannot speak for anyone else but feeling my feelings of despair and sorrow ( as scary and endless as I believed they may be)..were what brought me to the place where I was finally able to feel some peace.  This may not make sense to anyone else but me.  My prayers are with you.  This is a wonderful group and I hope it can help you as much as it has helped me.

[Kpl48]

It's helpful to know the pain lessens. Others have told me this. It's hard to believe because my pain is so persistent. Every morning I wake up with pain that runs all through me. It immobilizes me. I get my coffee and return to bed. I listen to tv for the noise, and I read my daily meditations. Then I look for emails, especially from my grief groups. During and after this time I cry. I call out to Andre and God. My dog lays by my side. I talk myself into living yet another day without by beloved Andre. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crying because I'm alone. Sometimes crying is all I seem to do. Usually all I can do in a day is to go out to my support group meetings, to appointments or shopping. My husband and I used to sit in the living room drinking out morning coffee and looking out at the view. I don't do that anymore. It's just too hard. I did it when he first died, but not now. How I wish he was here! I want to believe it gets less painful with time. I feel I can't make it through today, but I know I will...one moment at a time. 

[Guest]

Kristine - 

I cry because I have lost the one who completed me.  I lost my reason for getting up. I lost my reason for looking forward and reveling in the past.  I hope someday I'll be able to look at the past without sobbing but I know I'll never want to see a tomorrow without my Deedo in it.  What I try to do is stay focused in the here and now.  I find walking through the woods to be cathartic.  I find going to the lake at sunset to say Good Night to Deedo cathartic.  I take pictures of the sunset and text them to the kids so they can say Good Night as well.  When I'm home I wander aimlessly and lack focus on even routine tasks.  I'll throw in a load of laundry and completely forget about it until I'm looking for a shirt or a pair of pants.  I figure if I'm wandering aimlessly I might as well do it outside.  I have an app that tracks the miles I walk and donates $0.25 a mile to cancer research.  If I'm having a good day I'll walk seven to ten miles, bad days twelve to fifteen.  When I'm in the woods I can cry and sob and yell at the moon hence the more miles.  Some days I feel like I'm barely starting to get a handle on things and then just when I'm feeling I might make it...BAM minutiae triggers horrible fifteen mile days.  The highlight of my days are the sunset talks with Deedo.  I empty my soul to her and then when it's over I'll wlak home knowing that I will fix dinner, turn on the t.v. for an hour (never knowing what's on nor caring much) and then in bed at eight. With the medication I'm on I'll get nine to ten hours of sleep and that is fine with me.  But like you I hate waking up knowing that things will not have changed.

[Gwenivere]

Brad,

l read your posts and can so relate to the wandering and feeling lost.  My day is always influenced by how deeply the grief hits me.  I have some activity days that help, but the ones I am on my own are the worst.  Getting up is a major achievement.  Then it is spending all that time waiting to go back to sleep knowing this will just start all over again.  Nights are like you described.  I wander aimlessly forgetting if I did something or finding I did and don't remember doing it.  I used to love walking, but since grief hurts your body as much as your heart, it has ramped up my arthritis that is robbing me if the amount I would like to do.  I'm glad you have that as I know how it helps.  I think about all things that happen in a day I used to share with Steve talking.  Little things that mean nothing really, just shared time together observing and experiencing life together.  So many times I want to tell him something and the emptiness is amplified because I can't.  I am on medication too for anxiety attacks and while I am grateful for it, it angers/saddens me that I need that to survive this dark void.  Sobbing and yelling can hit me with no warning.  The triggers are impossible to prepare for so many times.  I get calls asking for him and have to say he is dead.  All the legalities are done which is mixed.  I hated doing them, but now I am officially alone.  Steve made me promise to apply for survivor benefits from SS and I found that ironic as that is last way I would describe myself at this time.  Or maybe not.  I survive.  I used to live.  I wish you the best on your journey through this.

[Kpl48]

We are all suffering with our grief. I don't have much of an appetite for food. Today I made myself go eat at a local restaurant. Tonight at my grief group they have dinner and a desert. After grief group I go grocery shopping. I usually get prepared foods. My husband did all the cooking, so cooking and eating it afterwards is very difficult for me. My therapist wants me to eat more than one or two healthy meals a day. I'm trying to do that. 

In the mornings I feel like I'm clawing my way out of a pit of despair. I may have shared this before. I finally get up and bring my coffee back to bed. I have my tv on for noise and my little dog at my side. I've started reading my meditations again. Then I become immobilized and stay in bed crying. I schedule myself to go out every day. Waiting to go out and returning home, I become immobilized again. I think it's my depression and grief that causes this. My therapist wants me to talk to my psychiatrist about this in case I need another or more medication for depression. 

I want to do more like walk, go to water aerobics, tackle my paper work. I try to push myself to do things. I can't seem to more than what I'm doing. I'm disappointed in myself. That adds to my depression and grief. I cry everyday, through out the day. I'm so lonely for Andre. I think of things I wish I'd done while he was alive. I'm trying to think of what I did do, the good memories. I'm just rambling on. I know you all understand. Your sharing here is so helpful to me. Thank you so much. 

[kayc]

The appetite eventually returns...if it didn't I wouldn't weigh as much as I do.  I think we adjust to the grief somehow, although it takes a long time, and the pain turns into a dull ache and eventually is gone...all but the missing them.  For me, I've never stopped missing George, nor will I until the day I die.

[Guest]

Kristine and Gwenivere

I'm so lonely for Andre. I think of things I wish I'd done while he was alive.

 I survive.  I used to live.

That is exactly where I've been the past few days.  Today I did not cry as much as usual but spent most of the day in a state of disbelief.  What we are going through - that was always for other people.  Deedo and I were always the exception.  We chose to adopt our children and didn't have a moments trouble (outside the first that fell through).  We talked to so many people who have horror stories to share about adoption.  We adopted three wonderful children bringing the first one home at five days; the second at three days and the third at four months.  We were always the exception.  When my bowel ruptured and while in ICU went seven hours without seeing a doctor, then air evaced to the Valley and twelve hours of surgery, Deedo was told I would not survive but I came through with flying colors.  We were the exception.  Bad things always happened to other people, not us.

Up until this week I was able to effectively keep the should have/could have's at bay.  Now my thoughts are inundated with fears not about treatment but about our earlier life together... I should/could have been more perceptive, more responsive.  We had an ideal marriage - the kind others wish they had but know for some reason I'm second guessing probably because Deedo isn't here to straighten me out.

When Deedo was diagnosed we had committed to four different trips over the next year.  We traveled, we were always on the go, we dined out frequently, went to the movies.  We hiked, and biked, and took in the fall colors.  Deedo was the down on the floor with the babies kind of grand mother.  I now I, like you Gwenivere, survive.  If you can call it that.

 

Kristine - 

You will eventually be able to do more.  Right now you are doing the best you can and nobody can ask for more.  We are all doing our best but I know what you mean - it just doesn't seem like enough.  I broke down and hired a maid service.  For two months I've been planning on doing a deep clean of the house.  Every day I plan on tackling just one room.  I'm lucky enough if I get the laundry in and the dishes washed.  Hang in there, I have to believe things will get better.

 

[Gwenivere]

Kristine, I start every day not wanting to wake up.  I always do too early and lie there thinking of another day without Steve.  How will I do it again?  What is the point? Etc.  I do get up, but the day is like being in a colorless world.  I see things that used to make me smile and sometimes do (that is a major improvement), but they fade quickly.  We can become so isolated by the grief. I do hope you will find a way to get out like you want.  I push myself so I make some contact with the world.  It may not have much meaning many times, but grief distorts our perspective, even to the point of knowing how we really feel.  I'm no expert, just another trying to navigate thru the darkness.  Every journey is unique, but I do hear the suffering in your words.  I have dogs too and while I haven't much to give them right now, I use that as a starting point for my day.  

[kevin]

Listening to you two, its like you have a camera on my house.........I hardly eat but the kitchen is cluttered, I never eat at the table, and have papers scattered all over kitchen table and living room.......I have lawyer problems, government pension re filings, and estate stuff...seems to go on forever.....Good news is I have(will have) two of the three issues completed by end of November........But this sucks whatever "cleaning" energy right out of me.......I do share my problems with Angela and I sense her smiling presence .