Will I ever heal?

[Tejas]

I'm new on here, just joined today. I'm hoping that talking and listening to others who's lives have also been shattered will help me cope. My wife Karen passed away on the 18th of this month. She was 53 years old and we were married for twenty years. It was completely unexpected. She experienced chest pain and shortness of breath for a couple of months prior to this, went to the hospital for several tests before they determined that she needed a bypass surgery. These have become so routine that neither of us were particularly worried. She was actually happy about it because they had finally figured out what was wrong with her, and could fix it. Then, everything went wrong. I never got to speak to her, kiss her or tell her goodbye. She ended up on an Ekmo pump, ventilator-the whole works. After two weeks with many ups and downs and complications, I had them take her off life support. My three daughters agreed with this decision which made it easier to live with. She died within minutes. I suspect that they overdosed her on morphine, which I'm grateful for. Since then, my world has been upside down. I have almost no interest in eating, can hardly sleep more than a couple hours at a time and I've been smoking way to much. All our kids are grown and on there own now. I talk to all three and some of my grandkids every day. Two of these are actually my stepdaughters but we thought of all three as "ours". She and I were usually the only ones here at home, now it's just me. The pain isn't constant. It seems to come and go. At times I feel like I can't get away from it, because it's true, I can't. I also don't want to accept that the rest of my life will now be far less fulfilling than I want it to be. That doesn't really matter though, whether I accept it or not, it's real and there's no changing it. I hope that someday, this awful feeling fades. I know it won't ever go away though. 

[iPraiseHim]

hello, Tejas.  Welcome to our group that nobody volunteers to join.  We are thrust into because of the death of our spouse.  I remember well your pain. It's fresh raw and unimaginable.  I could only sleep two hours a night.  So many things happen. You are in shock and it is normal.  A friend here suggested I get a sleep aid to help the mind and body get some sleep and much needed rest. after much reluctance, I did and it helped my body to rest. We are all glad you are here and we understand and empathize with you as each of us has gone through what you are dealing with in our own way.  Try to take care of your body, sleep. eat, exercise and come here often to share what you can. This group has helped me immensely.  The people here understand, love you, and care about you.  Please keep coming back.  I'll be praying for you.  Shalom.

[kevin]

Tejas, my heart goes out to you and your family.....You came to the right place and what you are feeling is exactly what we have all felt. Don't fight the moments, let your Grief flow, it is natural, and stay close to your children......you will learn to adapt to this new world, but take it day by day.....and watch your health....

[enna]

I am so very sorry that you have lost your Karen. There are no words to speak to you right now. 

You are so right ~ the "awful feeling" will fade, but the memories will forever stay in your heart. You will have good and not so good days. You will ache until it hurts sometimes and other times the ache will not be so unbearable. 

You will need time to process all that is happening. My hope is that you will be able to lock your arms around your daughters and find comfort coming here to share your thoughts. We listen with open hearts. 

We are here for you.

Anne

[Margm]

Tejas, my Billy passed on the 17th of this month.  We had had 54 years together and when you lose your partner, you lose half your life.  It is like losing a part of yourself.  I don't mean to sound like I have things under control, I am still so far from it and don't know if I ever will.  Everyone on here has lost their partner and we all have holes in our heart and we all share grief.  I am still so new to this.  I had a flu shot today and accidentally went to sleep for a moment while watching TV.  All of a sudden he was back on the couch.  Then, he was not there and I cried and cried.  There are lots of tears.  Lots of people on here to help too.  And, lots of us have regrets.  I think that is part of the grieving process.  Our hearts are with you.

[Guest]

Tejas

First let me tell you how sorry I am you lost your Karen so young. It is so difficult to be where you are. I spent the first two months feels by like I was going crazy but now I know I'm crazy.   Moods all over the last place. Cry at the drop of the hat. 

Here I have found understanding, love and compassion. I hope you find the same. 

Brad

[kayc]

Tejas,

I am so sorry you lost your wife.  I lost my husband to a heart attack ten years ago.  The pain will eventually subside, but the missing them never goes away.  Triggers come unannounced at any given time but seem to lessen in frequency the more time goes by.  Grieving is hard work, it takes a lot out of us.  It's good that you're expressing yourself, I found that really helps.

We are here to listen and care and you'll find a very understanding group here.

[Margm]

Kayc, that makes sense.  Grieving is hard work.  That is why we are so exhausted at the end of the day.  Sometimes we "work so hard" sleep will not come.  Sometimes the exhaustion lets us sleep for a few hours but it is so annoying to wake up and look at the clock, still dark, "Oh no, I have to think, I don't want to think."  Good memories make me cry right now, because I cannot experience them again.  I look forward to the day I can remember the good times without crying.  Don't make plans for a year seems to want to drown me, but plans drown me faster.  Hettie, my neighbor, two years in a widow, tells me she cries ever so often, but not every day.  We take comfort in such different things.  She takes comfort in her big house.  I don't.  I want to leave, but thinking about where I will leave to is depressing also.  So we tread water. 

[Kpl48]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died a year ago. I understand how you feel. I miss my husband deeply. I cry often. I feel anguish and despair because he is not here anymore. I do my best to get out and to be with people every day. I'm so grateful for this group. I hope you will keep reading and writing. It really helps!

[Gwenivere]

As many have said, welcome to the club ho one wants to join.  I don't mean that at all to sound flippant because all of us are suffering and if there is some good to come from that, it is the compassion and understanding you will find here.  Your loss is so new and that is so hard to comprehend.  I'm glad you found a place that will remind you you are jog alone, as that was the most horrible feeling when this started for me.  My sincerest condolences on your loss and I hope you find some solace here with us.

[KATPILOT]

I too welcome you Tejas. My wife was young as well and this is so new for you. Glad you found your way here. It will bring you comfort and compassion. Many emotions will come your way but for now try to keep eating as regularly as you can and sleep whenever possible. You are at a vulnerable place right now and even if it seems hard, try to take care of yourself .

[mittam99]

Tejas, I'm very sorry you have lost the love of your life. I lost my perfect wife Tammy in March. She was only 45.

You mentioned about trying to cope with your loss. Coping is the key word. You don't "get over it" as some will say who haven't experienced this. You just sort of take things one moment at a time... that's really all you can do.

There will be grief triggers that will overwhelm you but somehow, some way ... you will get through the day. Remember, your Karen will always be with you in your heart and your soul. 

You've joined a very understanding and compassionate group here. Come to the forum anytime and let us know how things are going in your grief journey.

Wishing you the best.