I feel pain every day

[Kpl48]

I always feel today's pain from grief is the worst. Lately I've been reminding myself that yesterday's pain felt just as bad. Sometimes I'm able to do more than survive each day. Sometimes I can actually enjoy life. Right now I really miss my husband. It's been over a year, but I'm learning grief has its own time schedule. I can't make it go away. I'm doing the best I can. 

I'm learning to live one day at a time; sometimes one instant at a time. When I want to die, I hang on because my husband told me he wanted me to live a good life. When I feel the heartache of living without him, I hang on because I remember how good life was with him. When being alone is more than I can bear, I remember we were together for 23 years. My tears can be a big relief when the agony of grief overcomes me. 

I'll sleep tonight and feel despair in the morning when I remember Andre isn't there with me. I make myself get up on most days. That's why I try to have something scheduled to do most everyday. I try to have a commitment with another person so I will get out of myself. Otherwise I would live in total misery. By doing this I feel some purpose to life through a connection with others. 

It's difficult to go places we used to go. Today I drove to a shopping center and remembered us being there many times before. I wondered if I should find another shopping center. I'll think about it, but for now it's OK. I'm learning to make our home my home. I have no alternative but to learn to live without him. I have him in my heart and I feel he is with me. Someday soon I will start remembering our life together and that will comfort me most of the time. Right now all I feel is the loss. 

I know you all understand. 

[kayc]

Oh yes, we do.  (((hugs)))

[WolfsKat]

For me.....the worst times are not the nights (although those are bad enough), I exhaust myself so that I can fall asleep.  For me, it is waking up...being in that bit of "limbo" between sleep and full consciousness....and reaching over, expecting to touch Connor....then awakening fully....and the reality, the grief, once again slams into me like a fist in the gut. Yet another day to try to get through without my beloved.....it seems interminable....the future.

[Gwenivere]

Yes, yes, yes.....WolfsKat!  You couldn't have described better that waking transition any better.  I've been fortunate enough to actually sleep until the alarm now most times (it used to wake me up before then) but the first thing that hits me is it is another day I will spend without Steve.  No matter how many times it has been repeated, it's intensity remains.  I used to dread going to sleep because I knew this was going to start my day and made some progress not giving that beast power.  I once read when we awake it us very similar to being intoxicated.  Our minds are without defenses and it takes about an hour to 'get it together'.  During the day I am more prepared for sneak attacks.  But the morning is the worst.  I hope that changes because it is like torture to begin our 'lives' that way.  I am used to him not being there physically in the morning, but knowing I will not see him at all is what gut punches me.  

[MartyT]

"Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning."  ~ Anna Quindlen, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist

[WolfsKat]

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

"Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning."  ~ Anna Quindlen, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist

A good quote....those who have lost, "get it" immediately I detest mornings!

[Gin]

I feel your pain.  My husband has been gone 2 months and it is terrible.  No reason to even get out of bed in the morning.  I do not like the living room because we used to sit together in the loveseat.  Don't like the other rooms either.  Wonder if it will get better.  

Gin

[hollowheart]

I hate the mornings and the weekends. When I wake up in the morning a few seconds later my "reality" hits me and I lay there wishing I had never woken up, back into this misery. Yes, the mornings are torture. Weekends are just about unbearable because every Saturday and Sunday me and my sister would either text or facetime and talk about our plans for the day or just what was the other doing.

I miss not being awaken by her texts or phone calls. Now the weekends are just without purpose and I have no desire to go anywhere we used to go. So depressing. Even worse is my Ma used to love us going out because we could bring her goodies back. Now she asks if I"m going out and I say no and I know she is disappointed, but it's just so dang depressing to go out and shop and hang out alone.  I fear I would burst out crying in the middle of the store.

[Kpl48]

Mornings are the worst time for me. I can't sit in the living room either. I know how you feel. My husband and I spent many hours there. We would have our coffee there in the morning, visit and watch TV. 

My therapist suggested I call a friend to be with me while I sit in my living room and have coffee every morning. I've been doing this and it does help. This morning I didn't do it. I stayed in bed. I'm crying and missing my husband. I'll try to get up soon. 

I'm retired. Some days I can't get out of bed. If I don't have a plan to be with a friend, in a support group or at an appointment I just can't find purpose to do anything. I do have some things I could do. It's just so hard being alone because the grief takes hold of me. I still miss Andre so much. 

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Kpl48 said:

I'm retired. Some days I can't get out of bed. If I don't have a plan to be with a friend, in a support group or at an appointment I just can't find purpose to do anything. I do have some things I could do. It's just so hard being alone because the grief takes hold of me. I still miss Andre so much. 

I wish I was retired, I'd stay in bed all day everyday. People think it's good to have work and have something to do, but for me it USED to be like that. I never liked my jobs, but I liked being a part of the workforce and being out and about. But that was all BEFORE. My biggest issues was trying to get a decent job, not dealing with this unsolvable, horrific situation I'm in now.

I just dont' want to deal with people most days or be fake happy. I really miss having someone to share things with who get it, get my humor and care about what I'm talking about. And being my sister she would put up with me calling her at crazy hours or multiple times a day or texting her random stuff. I am beyond lonely!! *sob*

[Kpl48]

I'm lonely too. When I'm out at least it distracts me from the deep aching pain of my grief. I rarely go out by myself. When I drive I listen to audio books. At home I have the TV on. I'm afraid of the quiet aloneness. It's so painful. I have my dog who is a great comfort to me. He's small and stays close to me. I'm reluctant to call people although I know that would help me. I have a friend who is not working, so we go out together. Talking with her helps me. 

I never planned for being a widow. I guess I believed we wouldn't die. Even during the last year of his life, I think I was in some denial. We had a good final year together because he was in hospice. There were no grueling medical treatments. He was able to do things up until his last week. He died at home with family and friends around him. He's gone now and every day I wish I was with him. He told me he wanted me to make lots of friends and to live a good life. I'm doing the best I can. 

This group is so important to me. We understand each other. We don't try to fix grief. We read and write from our hearts. I'm so grateful you all are part of my life today. 

[hollowheart]

KP148,

I'm glad you can make up your own schedule. So you can do what you want to do when you want, and if you're having one of those days you can stay home in your pajamas and not have to put up a front. I"m also glad you have a friend to be your plus 1 when you need. That is very nice.

I have some friends but they are just not convenient to get together with so it's like I don't have any. The most convenient person to do things with is my Ma, but she is old with a bad back and 99% of the time just wants to lay on the couch and watch QVC.  So then I'm back to being alone. I was also the only person my sis hung out with so it worked out for us. It's just an overwhelming loss for me in so many ways, I know you all can imagine.

To be honest, I think I was in some kind of denial too. Even when she became non-responsive I  just still never believed it would turn that tragic. I'm still in shock.

[iPraiseHim]

Hollowheart,

I hear and understand your shock.  I experienced the same feelings.  Loneliness is one of the  hardest things for me to deal with.  This discussion group is a great place to share, listen, and be comforted.  No of us volunteered for this grief.  It is the result of the profound loss we have experienced.  It helps us to transition to the next place in our journey of life.  Many days, I feel like I'm just doing time.  In fact, I have been counting the days since my wife died.  I didn't know why exactly.  But know I can look back and realized I have survived XXX amount of days.  I am kind of shocked about that too.  Just live and experience whatever you need to in order to express your grief.  We can all empathize with you as we have gone or are going through the same. You are not alone, crazy, stupid, etc.. It is a natural process.  I still have grief attacks, mood swings, loneliness, etc....It is another side of love we share in dealing with our loss.  Shalom

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

We don't try to fix grief. We read and write from our hearts.

It can't be fixed, only lived through.  I, too, am thankful for this place.

[Gwenivere]

I looked at the topics and this one seems the best for tonight.  I've fallen into a sinkhole.  It isn't the first time, but the worst.  It is probably the holidays and being so alone for over a year now.  Last night I sobbed do much I lost an hours sleep and what I did get was so restless it was waking as tired as I went to bed.  Can't shake the sadness.  Had a counseling session and they always intensify it because I talk about it mid day so it hovers with me til the usual time later in the evening.  I am so tired of waking up feeling I can't do thud another day.  I had gotten our tree out it felt good to see.  Now anything I touch about the holidays brings me down.  TV is hard because of the commercials.  Normally I wouldn't see these as we recorded everything we watched and could skip them.  But the house is so frigging quiet, I have it on for some sound because the silence is worse.  I accidentally saw part of Steve's favorite Christmas movie and had to change channels.  I want to send out cards but not sure I can.  I got special cookies for people but it was a hunt for them and I couldn't share my victory with Steve.   I m so tired of everything feeling meaningless of painful.  I am so tired of crying or feeling like I want to.  I see many times I am not crying about Steve, but for myself.  Wondering if I will ever come to terms with this and have a life again.  I have so many meds in this house I could end this easily.  But that feels so wrong.  While I want to be with him more than anything, I have to wait til my time comes.  In the meantime, it seems so unfair that all we worked for and created together cannot give me that.  It was our life's work together.  Why can't I find some solace in all we accomplished?  I am so fortunate to have a great home and his leaving took the happiness with him.  Just needed to write this down.  Off to whatever the rest of the night holds because I know the morning will be another challenge.

[Kpl48]

Gwenivere, I so understand what you're going through. It's very very painful. Grief stays with me every moment. Sometimes it records a little bit, but it is always there. For some reason I'm not crying this morning. Maybe because I know I'm going out soon. Today is one more day to get through. I hope I feel some happiness today and I hope you do too. 

[scba]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 While I want to be with him more than anything, I have to wait til my time comes.  In the meantime, it seems so unfair that all we worked for and created together cannot give me that.  It was our life's work together.  Why can't I find some solace in all we accomplished

Yes, I want to be with my love again. I would do whatever. Last night I dreamed about that although I don't remember the details. I remenber the feeling of sadness for him fading away. I miss him. Nothing can bring me joy anymore, everything is done for survival, to find a reason to stay. Today I felt as if a decade has been gone, I feel I am losing him and that just memories are his legacy. I am too young and I don't want to think that I will be alone, but at the same time I want nobody else in my life. Although it is wrong and it may cause suffering to my family and friends, I don't want to Live a long life to grew very old. I feel very wrong thinking this. But it is not my decission. 

[Kpl48]

I feel as if I'm just surviving each day as it passes. My husband told me to make a lot of friends and to live a good life. I'm doing that because it's what he wanted for me. I've made lots of friends this year. These connections have become important to building the good life he wanted for me. It's when I'm alone that I suffer so. Almost all I seem to do when I'm alone is miss his presence in my life. It hurts so much that he's not here with me. I try to solidly believe he is with me always. If only I could have unshakeable faith. If only that would sooth my pain and comfort me so that I could be alone peacefully. Maybe some day?

[Gwenivere]

52 minutes ago, Kpl48 said:

If only I could have unshakeable faith. If only that would sooth my pain and comfort me so that I could be alone peacefully. Maybe some day?

I find that is the worst too.  All I have is hope the someday I/we will some resemblance of peace being alone.  I can be with people, but as soon as that ends the loneliness drapes over me.  I thought as the time passed I would get used to it, but it is actually working in reverse.  It makes sense to me because it is adding time since I had contact with him.  So much has happened I can't share with him.  There was a time long, long ago I lived alone in my early 20's.  That is what you did when you leave home and figure out what you want in your life.  Once you have done that and 'perfected' it with that person meant for you, going back is monumental.  I don't want to be alone either.  I don't have the desire to have a lot of people around just to fill that void.  That's almost worse than actually being alone. People can be draining for the effort to interact with right now.  It's a heck of predicament.  But we do the best we can, what other option do we have?  Many don't understand when I turn down invitations.  I've tried to explain.  Some get it, some don't.  I don't let it keep me up at night.  This is survival mode.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Although it is wrong and it may cause suffering to my family and friends, I don't want to Live a long life to grew very old. I feel very wrong thinking this. But it is not my decission. 

I don't want to be an old woman alone either.  When it gets to the point I can't take care of myself, I hope it doesn't last long too.  That would just be too much to have to wait thru.  I see it all the time where l volunteer.  So many just.....waiting.

[kevin]

 

Edited December 11, 2015 by kevin
too much Faith and religion

[MartyT]

I think we all understand and appreciate the intention and the sentiment behind the faith-based statements you've articulated here, Kevin. But in deference to our non-Christian members, I think it needs to be said that, in our efforts to articulate and explain our individual spiritual beliefs, we run the risk of alienating some of our other members. Not all of our members are of the Christian faith, after all, and while they may be reluctant to say so, I am concerned that some may find some of these statements off-putting if not downright offensive. While I certainly don't think that is the intention here, I want to caution all of us to be careful in expressing specific aspects of (or reasons for) our faith, lest we give the impression that we're preaching, promoting a particular religious doctrine or trying to convert others to our own religious beliefs.

 

[Guest]

Thank you 

[Kpl48]

Thank you Marty. I also think we need to stay away from religion and politics here. 

[kayc]

While politics doesn't have much bearing here, individual spiritual beliefs and relationships may be very relevant to our grief journey as it gives us hope, faith, sustenance.  I am of Christian faith and although I don't believe in forcing it on anyone, I can't disqualify the importance of God in my life.  From time to time a religious topic arises and discussion follows naturally...if anyone takes offense to that, perhaps they can move on to the next thread, just as I have when I didn't agree or like a discussed topic.  I respect other's chosen belief systems and hope I haven't offended anyone with anything I've posted...if I do, please reply or message me.  The primary purpose of this forum is to bring healing and help to those who have a loss and we certainly don't want to make anyone uncomfortable coming here or that defeats the whole purpose!