How is everyone doing this Christmas time?

[Guest Janka]

As well as every year I bought many presents for my beloved man Jan and put them on bed.This Christmas one of those gifts was a wonderful Christmas music box making him happy as I know that he is listening all the time.It was playing all along and I myself sitting on the bed I had been lying in his arms before,remembering all of the memories of us two,crying with aching heart tonight,but happy that I bought him something like this.Christmas Eve was magic by all means.I felt his loving presence as the warmest embrace all over my body.This evening I was singing in church "Silent night" with the tears in my eyes knowing that he is there by my side again.I can say that I have a peaceful Christmas after long time.I think it´s a progress in my grieving once again and this is first time I can say these words with a smile on my face.

My beloved Jan...I love you...forever!!!

Janka

[scba]

Dear Janka, what you wrote is very beautiful. I hope you will keep smiling.  

Christmas Eve and Christmas day were normal days for me. I played being strong and I was glad the holidays were over. Today I checked on youtube some songs me and my boyfriend enjoyed and I started to cry so hard, only feeling my heart broken. Feeling love too? I don't know. I felt pain in my chest as broken glasses in million hurting pieces. But I believe it is still too early to feel differently.  I'm still trying to figure out how am I supposed to live without the sight of his eyes, his smile, his face, without his hug and his words of confort and hope. He was hopeful about life, about the future with me by his side. I was his source of hope and power to fight. Am I still any of that? Does he still need me where he is? Is there anything I can do that he needs? As you see, I have so many questions that may never have an answer. I wish I could stop making questions. I've been making questions over and over again.

Peace.

 

[hollowheart]

Scba, I'm also the same in trying to figure out how to keep going on without my sister Here to help me, just fight along with me. She was my go to person and not having that makes life so scary. She knew me better than anyone and I could tell her my fears and stupid questions and she wouldn't judge. I can't go to just anyone and not have them judge me. I NEED her. People don't get our relationship and how much I need her. 

I don't feel hopeful for the new year at all

[Gwenivere]

I expected the Eve and Christmas to be hard.  I felt some kind of protection from extreme pain.  It was late Christmas night that it wore off.  I went back to the deep sadness and also seeing that the holiday wasn't right without Steve.  I carried on traditions he and I did together.  But the magic faded.  All I can think now is it wasn't complete without him.  I can't ever escape the thoughts he is not here.  Waking every day knowing he is not has me programmed to that reality.  I thought that getting thru the holiday would be all I needed to do.  But it just put my back to the daily struggle of finding a reason to live thru another day.  Waiting for that 'change' my counselor says will come slowly (my question is just how much slower can it go) that the pain will not be so acute.  She has been honest, it will never go away.  

You are tight, scba, my questions about him now not being on this plane follow me everywhere.  

Janka, I so happy you found some joy. 

We are remarkable at survival.   Even when we can't see or truly feel it.  I just want to do more than survive.  I want what Steve wanted for me.  A good life that I have left.  I have yet to figure out how that is done without him. I don't know where he is, if we will be reunited (those vows say til death do us part....does that mean we possibly won't?) and if he still knows the deep love I now have to live without that he gave me and I him.  Yes, there are memories, but going forward alone without that as a daily fix is a horrible withdrawl.  And no more memories to create together.  That really sucks.

All I can say is I survived Christmas.  Hopefully no one will ask me over the next week how it really was.  

[kevin]

All most over , and it went so much better than I expected. I was planning on doing some scrap booking but it didn't materialize as I teared up within 5 minutes(but the prep is ready)........But the cooking went good, Church/Carols went good, all my family contacted me.....not Angela's(that will change in time)....I contacted about five old friends........and watched many Movies. My major success is only had one "Captain's Morgan" stiff one, the rest were super Light beers......I thinks that may have helped. Weather man says turning cold and back to Sub Zero.......now to get ready for New Years 

[kayc]

Sub zero temperatures?  Where do you live!  I guess I shouldn't complain about the temperatures here!
  You do scrapbooking?  I bought stuff to do scrapbooking of George's life but never did do it, there it sits, it's just too painful to go there.

[Guest]

This grieving is exhausting work.  I know I'm not sharing anything new but I am constantly amazed at how my mood swings from being okay, not great but okay, to what is going on? Why can I not grasp the reality?  Why does my life feel so surreal? 

My youngest boy has been here and while I've enjoyed his company he is also a reminder of why I'm alone most of the time.  People have been reaching out because of the season and yet the kindness is simply a reminder; I come home and I cry. I come home and the emptiness is suffocating; I come home and the silence is deafening; I come home knowing that that warm greeting will never again be there.  

[Gwenivere]

Brad, while I am sorry to hear what you are feeling, I find some comfort in it too.  I got thru the holiday, but since whatever protected me from devastating pain disappeared, I feel worse now.  Being surrounded by people experiencing the holiday as a day of pleasure did not go unnoticed in my subconscious.  Now that it has broken thru I see all that I am missing.  And it's not the gifts or food or festive decorations.  It is the connection with those they love.  They are doing what we all did when we had our partners.  Now I am on another side of that which none of the people I talk to can relate to.  People reached out to me also not realizing that being around thier good moods or hearing about thier gifts bought for a specific someone would remind me of the gaping hole in my life.  I expected to go back to my usual reality of grief, but not this deeply.  I am sure it was the emphasis we are subjected to by people, TV, seasonal music playing in the background in stores and seeing cozy homes on drives with thier lights and trees.  Even the little things I did here to make it not so dark now remind me of how wrong this feels to be alone.  Steve and I gave up tangibles for the holidays years ago except for one gift each.  We celebrated that we were together.  That is not something I can get around obviously.  The silence is deafening and his not being anywhere ever is tearing me apart.  I've tried to approach this rationally from all angles and it just can't be done.  There is nothing rational beyond his body failing.  So the mind goes berserk trying to find a fix for the problem and it can't.  It's relentless too.  Trying and trying.  My heart and I sit back and wish it would stop seeking things there are no answer to as it compounds the heartache over and over again.  Surreal?  Yup, that is my life.  Sometimes I think I am just losing my mind and remind myself that this death is final.  This death took my life as I knew it.  Nothing is going to feel right, if ever, for a very long time.  And that scares me even more.  Sorry to babble on, but it is rainy, dark and cold and another day of loneliness.

[scba]

I am feeling the ambiguity of the events too. While I have been with company, that is still a reminder of my loss. Plus the silence. The phone that doesn't ring, the chat that has no messages. Whatever has been protecting me, it is gone too. I'm having an attack of guilt and I don't know what to do, I'm waiting for that to pass. Today I thought "what if I can't make it? A friend of mine whose father passed away years ago told me that she kept herself busy and very cold about everything, that is how she coped. There are moments I wish that coldness too.

This is a long road, it is true. Friends keep telling me that I am doing better. Maybe on the outside and in the external layers of my own self. I feel little has changed in the inside. 

I'm working on my knitting project now, waiting, waiting...

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

This grieving is exhausting work.  I know I'm not sharing anything new but I am constantly amazed at how my mood swings from being okay, not great but okay, to what is going on? Why can I not grasp the reality?  Why does my life feel so surreal? 

This is what makes it so dang tiring and just annoying, for lack of a better word. I will be feeling OK, one day, even a few days. Then I will just crash and can't get it together. It's what makes me want to just go live in the mountains somewhere so I don't have to defend my attitude changes to other people. I used to be on facebook all the time, and I almost posted something random but decided if I post sometime funny or random everyone will assume I'm A-OK now and believe I have moved on and skipping through the tulips now. It's just a part of me doesn't want to put that front up, like I have gotten past then when I haven't.

There are so many things I have come across that I avoid like the plague because there were things me and my sister enjoyed together. So I feel like I can't even enjoy my life anymore as I'm always on the look out for something that make me crash. I was walking through Target and went past some ornaments and I looked very quickly then ran off for fear of seeing an ornament she might have really loved and I couldn't buy it for her, or text her a picture. It would be a reminder that she is gone from my world forever.  While I loved being with her on Christmas, I also loved the gift giving, food and movies. I enjoyed looking for the perfect gifts to surprise her with.  I had people tell me they didn't buy gifts for their family, that all they needed was them. I did have her, but another part of that was making her happy, and surprising her with things she would never buy herself or didn't even know about. She would do the same for me. We saw each other everyday, all day so seeing each other on Christmas wasn't anything different. Exchanges presents was not something we did everyday. I loved that. It helped make the season. Now I can't even love Christmas anymore.

SCBA,  I know what you mean about the non-ringing phone. I get text messages and I hear the little ding,  and I know it's not from her. She was the only one that texted me all the time, or called me. I had a Wonder Woman ringtone for her, she loved Wonder Woman. How I long to hear that again. No one calls or texts me. It's so sad and lonely. I don't want to hear anyone telling me I'm doing better. It's not true. I'm just here because I can't take a bottle of pills and cause my Mom even more grief. I feel like she's fading from my memory. It's agonizing.

[Gwenivere]

It's the opposite for me, Hollowheart.  Steve is more intensely in my mind than ever.  It is because of the things you said.  We see things they would like, get phone calls of can just sit and talk with them.  I don't think your sister is fading, I think it may be just too much for your mind the fathom right now, especially with the holidays, that it might be trying to protect you in its odd way.  Mine did for almost 2 days and now I cry if a drop something in the floor....I am that frustrated and fragile emotionally.  

[Dew's Girl]

I really expected to fall apart over the holidays, but strangely I found the days to be no worse than my every day.  In some ways, it was easier because I just felt numb to everything.

[Stef3128]

I made it thru Christmas but know I'm in a deep depression.  I miss Jason so much.  I'm making it minute by minute right know. Most of his dad's family  as not called me.  This bothers me. I wish it didn't. I related to you all on how you feel. Jan 1st would have been our 11th anniversary.  I'm dreading this so much.

[kayc]

Stef, I didn't hear from my husband's family after his passing except once in a great while his daughter, that's it.  It is weird when you were so much a part of each other's lives.  I'll be thinking of you on the 1st...

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, Stef3128 said:

I made it thru Christmas but know I'm in a deep depression.  I miss Jason so much.  I'm making it minute by minute right know. Most of his dad's family  as not called me.  This bothers me. I wish it didn't. I related to you all on how you feel. Jan 1st would have been our 11th anniversary.  I'm dreading this so much.

So very sorry to see how much pain you have......wish I could make everyone in this forum happy (including myself)....but for most, anything short of a reunion with their mate does not cut it.....Am glad you got through Christmas "ok"....and wish for you some easing of the pain on the first.....keep coming here, it will help some!

[Gwenivere]

I'd like to restate what you said, WolfsKat, NOTHING but a reunion would fix this.  

[hollowheart]

On 12/28/2015 at 8:54 PM, Gwenivere said:

It's the opposite for me, Hollowheart.  Steve is more intensely in my mind than ever.  It is because of the things you said.  We see things they would like, get phone calls of can just sit and talk with them.  I don't think your sister is fading, I think it may be just too much for your mind the fathom right now, especially with the holidays, that it might be trying to protect you in its odd way.  Mine did for almost 2 days and now I cry if a drop something in the floor....I am that frustrated and fragile emotionally.  

I really think this is is. I have noticed little things are more amplified as I mentioned in another thread. I think it's because before stupid, petty things would annoy me and I could go to her and complain and vent about it. We were available to each other for any of these little gripes. Now I have to hold everything in. I know I'm a complainer, but it wasn't complaining about everything.

Crying because you dropped something on the floor is something you probably wouldn't have even thought about before. You might have dropped it and picked it up or at least had Steve to gripe to and maybe even laugh about it.

Our loved ones were sort of our armor as well, a protective coating that we don't have anymore. It's very noticeable when you don't have it anymore. It's like fighting in a war with a water gun.

[Guest Janka]

On ‎29‎.‎12‎.‎2015 at 6:55 AM, Gwenivere said:

NOTHING but a reunion would fix this.  

Dear Gwen,

you´re right,but they´re waiting for all of us with loving hearts in the palms of themselves.Isn´t it wonderful?They do love us for eternity as well as we do!I hope that you have a nice day,my friend.

Hugs from Janka

[Gwenivere]

Janka, it only I did 'know' that Steve is waiting for me.  But I don't and that is something I struggle with every day.  And even if he is,  I can't get there soon enough.  Hugs back at ya.

[Gin]

Gwen...I share your feelings.  I was married young and had 4 kids.  After 31 years, my then husband wanted out.  I went to a church sponsored group and too quickly hooked up with a clergyman.  We were married after about a year.  He had so many mental problems and killed himself after a year!  The pain and guilt were terrible.  After 6 years I met my soul mate, who was a widower.  We married and had 16 wonderful years together.  I wonder if I will be with him in heaven.  Or his previous wife.  So, I too do not have that peace of being re-United.

gin

[kayc]

We'll know each other, but I believe you will still be special to your soul mate, how could you be anything but?!  I will always be my George's Little One, no matter what.

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

I wonder if I will be with him in heaven.  Or his previous wife.  So, I too do not have that peace of being re-United.

gin

Gin,

I´ve read many books from Raymond A. Moody,Paul Perry,Kenneth Ring and many others who were describing many stories of those people who experienced NDE (near death experience) or ADC (after death communication) as I experienced too.I can tell you that it´s very simple.Those people who were the closest to each other here on earth will be as well there in the life after life.Don´t worry about it anymore.You and your beloved one will carry on together then too.

Hugs from Janka

[Gin]

Thanks Janka,

then for sure we will be.

 

[Margm]

Thanks Janka.  I pulled something totally unlike me.  I fussed with everyone today, even threatened suicide to a person I should not have.  I had so much anger built up today.  This was a totally unlike me person.  I don't know that evil person and tonight I feel so ashamed and mean, and like a hollow person that anyone can see through.  This is not like me.  I was mean.  I wanted to go back in the woods, way back where no one could find me and join Billy.  This has not happened before.  My only saving "grace" was I was afraid with suicide I might not be with him.  I slept 5 hours in the daytime.  Do not know this person I became today and neither did anyone else.  Volatile.  I have to keep control of myself.  This was someone I don't ever want to be again.  Billy would have been disappointed.  Was this the anger?  I want it to only be today.  I feel so ashamed.

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, please find it in your heart to forgive YOU for being human. Extend to yourself the kindness and compassion you would present to anyone else you've met in our forums. Would you pass judgment on any one of us for "losing it" in a moment of anger, given the path we are on? I think not. Give the same love to YOU that you would give to any one of us. You are worth it, and you deserve it. We all have one more day to just get through this challenging holiday season (I'm not counting Valentine's Day. Yikes.) We're almost there, and we will get there as we all stick together . . .