Almost a Year

[R.Everit55]

Hi. I know I've been missing for a long while.  I had more heart issues though small compared to my heart attacks and surgery.  I've boycotted Christmas.  I couldn't do it.  The most I did was read to my grandsons.  

13 days until the agonizing one year anniversary of my beautiful Angel soul mate partner for life amazing wife's passing from ALS.  But it started long before that date.  That rage full disease stole so much from her and me and our family long before she succumbed to it.  I remember every little and big detail as though it's happening again.  How can it be almost a year.  How?  My heart aches beyond any words could ever ever ever express.  I'm a changed man.  Very changed.  

Peace to all of you.  Forgive my selfish absence 

Butch 

[kayc]

Butch, you are anything but selfish!  It's essential to give yourself self-care and that's what you are doing.  You come here when you're up to it, nothing wrong with that!

It's hard to believe it's been a year, I'm sure to you it seems both like yesterday and a million years ago.  We never forget any little detail.

My heart is with you as you approach the anniversary of her death, dear friend.  She is and was a sweetheart to all who were lucky enough to know her.

[enna]

Dear, dear Butch. You never have to apologize for being absent from the forum. We so understand when we need to take a break. 

We do what we need to do when it comes to how much we can do when we are grieving. Let reading to your grandsons be enough.

I can't believe we are coming to the one year anniversary of your Mary's death. Some of us got to know how very special she was. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please continue to take care of your health. 

Anne

[hollowheart]

Butch, nice to meet you and nice you are back. I'm sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. I hope you are better from your medical issues. I feel time passes fast and slowly. It always seem to feel like it all happened that morning no matter the date. The way you said you are a changed man got to me. 

I have changed forever too and feel anger and resentment almost all the time now. Anger at people with their unchanged lives while I am broken and forgotten. It's not something that can be fixed either, which makes it even worse. the worst is having so much time left without your loved one here. 

[R.Everit55]

I told myself I would never grow bitter.  I promised my beautiful wife before she passed and while she went that I would never become bitter.  Yet here I've become bitter.  I don't know how to explain or even comprehend it myself.  

[kayc]

I'm sure it's a temporary state, Butch, you don't seem the type to stay bitter.  It's a hard blow, it's going to take a good while to process it.  BTW, how is the grandbaby coming along, how is Katie doing?

[R.Everit55]

Kay it doesn't feel temporary.  

Katie and baby girl are doing well.  They've got a name picked out which I will share in late May/early June when she's born.  This is their rainbow baby after losing Lila and Lily.  

Maybe it is temporary.  Maybe I just need something really good to happen like this Grandbaby being born healthy.  I'm sure my heart will soften again once she's here safe and sound 

butch 

[kayc]

Ahh Butch, you'll soften as soon as you hold her in your arms!  I bet you're a great big softy inside!  (((hugs)))

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

I told myself I would never grow bitter.  I promised my beautiful wife before she passed and while she went that I would never become bitter.  Yet here I've become bitter.  I don't know how to explain or even comprehend it myself.  

I've been finding that myself.  I don't know how I can keep doing this day after day without that inevitably happening.  I don't like it, but the constant personal pain and exposure to others that have been spared this so far is taking a huge toll.  I used to encourage people to treasure their loves.   Now I feel too much pain to do that so I say nothing and listen to their plans and die a little bit more each time.

[kevin]

I was unable to follow up on a couple of my plans because I slipped into memories and tears.......But as long as there is snow to shovel, Football and Hockey on TV, and anything else to keep my mind off the "Holiday"......I am fine.  Gotta work a night shift  Wed,, that will take care of another two days to get back to normal, then voila....2016, and we start all over again..........All I know, it could be worse, because for me, it was.....all the best

[scba]

I sincerely hope that this is temporary for all of us. I have became bitter and cynical and I don't like it too. Among my group of friends I used to be the one whose friends came for an advise or insight about their love relationships because I'm a listener type. I cannot do that anymore without being ironic, bitter and cynical. I cannot listen to love and struggle stories without feeling that I have been cheated by love. This will sound like a betrayal to the love I have to my boyfriend, but there are days I would not suggest anybody to fall in love. Still I cannot tell my friends in their 30s "be careful, you could pay the highest price". This is horrible!!! I find very hard to be objective, to not listen to others with the remainder of my pain, of my dreams destroyed. I ask the essential for politeness and then I change subject. I feel horrible. Is this me now or is just simple and pure pain?

 

 

[hollowheart]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  I don't like it, but the constant personal pain and exposure to others that have been spared this so far is taking a huge toll.  I used to encourage people to treasure their loves.   Now I feel too much pain to do that so I say nothing and listen to their plans and die a little bit more each time.

Gwen, I am the same way. I used to tell people to appreciate what they have and all that. Now I don't care, I can't care because I'm sunk so deep in my sadness. I know I am bitter and like you said, it was sure to come sooner or later. We might get out of it after a while, but seeing others having a gay old time isn't helping it right now. Our sorrow was a blip on others radar so how can you not become bitter when interacting with them? this grief is like the weight of the world. 

[Gin]

Gwen,

People  tell me to remember the good times.  That just makes me sadder!  No more good times.  I cry all the time.  I was suppose to go to the lawyer today to finish some of the awful stff.  Ice storm last night.  Finally got the stairs cleaned off, but the sidewalk is solid ice to the garage.  Had to cancel.  Can not fall.  I am inside alone most of the time.  Talk to some on the phone, but it sure is not the as having your best friend with you.  Sure hope things improve for all of us.

Gin

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

Gwen,

People  tell me to remember the good times.  That just makes me sadder!  No more good times.  I cry all the time.  I was suppose to go to the lawyer today to finish some of the awful stff.  Ice storm last night.  Finally got the stairs cleaned off, but the sidewalk is solid ice to the garage.  Had to cancel.  Can not fall.  I am inside alone most of the time.  Talk to some on the phone, but it sure is not the as having your best friend with you.  Sure hope things improve for all of us.

Gin

Gin, I remember reading on another grief thread a young girl mention that people told her she had her memories of her sister and to remember the good times, and she said she always had those memories. I will never forget that because it's so true. We always had those those good times in our memories to recall and we probably did all the time. "Remember the time...?"   No new memories is heartbreaking.

And doing things still associated with the loss just keeps it all in rotation.

[Guest]

This is why I need to stay in the here and now. On good days I can look back with tears and smiled but the tears, I feel, are healing tears. Never have I been able to look toward tomorrow. Maybe some day but that day isn't close to being on my radar. 

[kevin]

There is only one way I will try  live ,or direction I will try to live.......I have to remain in the present at all times ,if I slip into the past, or use the rear view mirror, I do experience grief  . I will have a good cry at times of solitude, as most of us, attempt to do this in private. I know, in the future, undoubtedly, I will find myself engaging  socially again. ......Its tough, and we gotta do what we gotta do.......all the best 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, scba said:

I find very hard to be objective, to not listen to others with the remainder of my pain, of my dreams destroyed. I ask the essential for politeness and then I change subject. I feel horrible. Is this me now or is just simple and pure pain?

 I don't see how anyone that knows about our loss would even consider talking to us about thier struggles with their partner.  Unless it were something like abuse, I don't want to hear about the day to day things that happen between people.  What do they want me to do?  Commissirate?  Make me delve back into memories for gems if wisdom?  I feel horrible about it too, but I don't want to hear about what I am missing as that is a part of being together.  So yes, I have progressed to a bitter phase and there is one thing I have learned thru this.  I have to be where I am and get thru it.  I'm polite about it too.  But in my mind I am feeling...at least you have that to work out.  I'm just going home to emptiness.   

[hollowheart]

23 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don't see how anyone that knows about our loss would even consider talking to us about thier struggles with their partner.  Unless it were something like abuse, I don't want to hear about the day to day things that happen between people.  What do they want me to do?  Commissirate?  Make me delve back into memories for gems if wisdom?  I feel horrible about it too, but I don't want to hear about what I am missing as that is a part of being together.  So yes, I have progressed to a bitter phase...

This is what is creating a divide between me a good friend. It's not that she's doing anything bad on purpose, but we both have older sisters that would get on our nerves and do crazy things and we would always text or talk to each about what goofy thing they had done again. Now that I don't have mine anymore, if she brings up something her sister did I can't go 'Oh, yeah, that sounds like something my sister did." or bring up something she did recently. That was a big thing we had in common.

A part of me wants to forgive my friends for still having their lives and living them, and they shouldn't be faulted for that, but the bitterness creeps in. And usually I don't care.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

 Never have I been able to look toward tomorrow. Maybe some day but that day isn't close to being on my radar. 

I/we lost the ability to look toward the future during the last 2 years of extreme decline.  Since then I really can't because of this limbo I am stuck in.  The most forward thinking I can do is knowing when I wake up tomorrow I have to get thru another day.  My counselor says not to live in the past which is good advice since it centers on the those 2 horrible years.   In 2009 we had hope, but it vanished when the cancer spread.  Anyway, she keeps telling me that 'someday' I will see a future for myself.  She may be right, but in the meantime I tell her, keep saying it, I might just believe it someday.  But not now.  Everything in my life involved him so this new 'independence' is not something I like at all.  That was me before I met him.  And we joined our independent sides for a new one that kept each of ours while having a wonderful, tho clash ridden at times, life.  

Gin, I don't know how you handle staying at home all day.  I know it isn't your choice, but that would drives me bonkers!  I may hate coming home alone, but I have to get out of this too quiet and lonely place for a little bit every day.  My mission today is the grocery store because my dogs are almost out of raw carrots.  :-)

[WolfsKat]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But in my mind I am feeling...at least you have that to work out.  I'm just going home to emptiness.   

Exactly.....I've a close friend with a "rollercoaster" relationship with her live-in BF.........I actually blew up at her one evening, telling her all the crap she was griping about was petty and she was lucky to HAVE someone to share life with!  I'd give ANYTHING to have my Connor back to share my life, and she's b*tching about a uncapped toothpaste tube? I actually told her, would you consider this so damned important if he were to die tomorrow?  Things are a bit strained between us now.....and I can't bring myself to care, which is sad.

[hollowheart]

Wolfskat, I realized today friendships I've had will either fall apart or disappear because they are unable to realize that my life has forever changed. After talking to my therapist today I realized its not going to be my responsibility to make sure they are comfortable around me. So I'm glad you don't care about being mad. You shouldn't have to grin and nod and counsel her because she is raging over a deleted episode off the DVR. You have bigger fish to fry. Of course in the past you might have been high fiving and saying you understand, but not now. 

On another grief forum I will never forget this young lady saying all of her friends petty problems upset her now because they can be fixed, as she can't do anything about her "freaking unsolvable problem".  I know I'm going to lose friends and I don't care anymore. 

 

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, Gin said:

People  tell me to remember the good times.  That just makes me sadder!  No more good times.  

This is exactly what people don't get.  Oh yes, think to the happy times, you will feel better.  Bull.  Not yet.  All they do is reinforce the emptiness.  You cant live in memories.  Very glad I have them but they are not something that brings joy pleasure, yet.  When I get hit by a memory because of some action I have done a million times, I'm saddened wondering where he is with some comment or joke.  I'd like to shelve the memories fir awhile.  Unfortunately, that is not possible.

[kayc]

A friend of mine is having to work two full time jobs because her husband can't work anymore.  She looks exhausted, one of those jobs she has to commute 115 miles per day for.  I told her I'm sorry for her, I know what she is going through is really hard, but I'm glad she still has her husband to do for, I would give anything to have mine back.  She said I had more sparkle when he was alive because he made me so happy.  So many people have spoken of how visible and apparent our love was.

[Margm]

Butch, I want to wish you the best, just like all of us.  We handle things in our own way.  Sometimes I get bitter, angry, happy, sad, the whole gamut of emotions.  I wonder what emotion I will have a year from now.  Do not know if I will even be here a year from now.  Emotion - gone.

[kayc]

Butch, this thread has gotten more and more off topic, I'm afraid.  You started this thread because it was almost a year.  What are some of your thoughts and feelings as you approach that one year mark?  I do remember how I felt at that point in time...it's a very poignant time, like crossing over a threshold.  I remember feeling scared to leave him behind.  I needn't have worried...I could never leave him behind!