Rough Day

[WolfsKat]

One of my "things" in this grief has been struggling with some feelings of agoraphobia.....I think that is what it is termed.  Feel anxiety leaving the house.....sometimes even stepping outdoors. For months now, I've had a friend pick up whatever I needed at the store & bring it to me, rather than face going out. Part of it was just plain pain at first, but that's pretty much gone now, since the surgery. And I honestly was too messed up to drive the last week or so while Connor was in hospital and his subsequent death....my friend actually took off work to be with me (she had fears I'd kill myself)  Also my car had totally broken down, and no money to fix.  A good friend, retired mechanic, has patched up the car enough so that I can safely drive it (but says don't go on a long trip) but can't say how much longer it will run for certain.  But I've still had anxiety.  Today I forced myself to drive to the gas station, pick up a few things, and to pick up a friend who needed a ride home from work.  I did okay. But...as soon as I pulled into my drive after returning home, I started shaking, barely made it into the house when I went into full blown hysterical crying.  Not sure if it's a delayed reaction, or the fact that it so seemed Connor should be there, calling out "Honey, you're home!" as he always did.  This does not bode well. I'm supposed to return to work a week from today. I'm stressing it so much.  I've been gone almost 4 months.  Trying to wrap my mind around being gone 8 hour workdays....home is the only place I feel safe, if that makes sense.  And, have not been back to work since Connor left.  What I always looked forward to, and happily anticipated, was returning home to him after my workday.....hearing that, "Honey, you're home!"........he always seemed so happy!!!!!   Won't have that. I think it will hit, hard.....scared of what may come. I wish, and think I need, counseling....or a shrink, whatever.....maybe meds.....but my insurance does not cover....(thanks, Walmart).  Well, it does cover 70%, AFTER I pay a $5000.00 deductible.......yeahhhh righttttt. No clinics or such in this tiny town.  Really really dreading this......it looms very large.  Hope someone here can tell me this will pass on it's own??????

[kevin]

WolfsKat, only focus on what you can control......you made progress today.......So you had some anxiety when you got home, the positive is you had the gumption to get out, helped your friend, and you returned home.......I think you deserve a pat on the back.......this is a New Year, we are all on this difficult journey, all our journeys are different, but we have the same bumps.......the best

[Margm]

I cannot prescribe.  Believe me, after typing medical transcription for 43 years, I thought I knew as much as the doctors.  But, if I was so smart, why couldn't I pick up my husband was so ill?  We thought the pain was only the herniated disks that he had had for over 30 years.  It wasn't.  But, to get back to the prescribing.  If you have a small town physician close, (maybe a town close to you), you will be out the cost of an office visit and the generic Xanax for the panic is very cheap.  I am talking very cheap.  I could not survive without it, but my problem is not the same as yours.  I am okay away from this house, it is coming back to it that makes me have terror attacks.  We both were getting ready to put it on the market.  So, leaving it will not make me ill.  I never want to cross the Arkansas line again.  But, I really know Arkansas did not take him away, but I blame it still.  I think we are allowed to have memory loss, terror attacks, hate for medical science, all of the feelings of rage, sorrow, pain, worry, all of the gamut of feelings we suffer from.  And, suffer we do, and we will, but I have to hope it gets easier.  My more experienced friends tell me it gets easier.  If only we could fast forward to easier times.  My heart is with you.  My feelings are with you.  And still, I know that does not help.  Keep reading, keep writing.  

[WolfsKat]

I guess I should mention, that in my 20's, for awhile, I had agoraphobic symptoms and anxiety attacks.  I could not take medication for it as I was pregnant at the time.  But after a few months after I had my baby, I rec'd medication......it went away....but I have no memory of what I'd been prescribed. Only that it worked.  That was over 30 years ago.  I thought that demon was dead......now I am remembering, with clarity, how bloody horrible those feelings were.....and back again, on top of everything else?  I "have" to be able to function.....I have to work.....no choice.  But now very scared of it all crashing back, at a time when there is little fight in me to deal with it. Scary.

[Margm]

MD Anderson cured me of cancer, but the whole institution, the sessions of radiation, watching the suffering, we were all walking around like zombies, and my dad was terminal at the same time.  I came home and my two best friends passed away from cancer, my dad and my friend's dad.  I developed some very strange symptoms and yes, a psychiatrist was seen, for 15 years.  I had horrible terror attacks. I had something else called disassociation. My doc said it was my brain protecting me.  I loved "not being there."  Dangerous if I was driving though.  Pure, total fear was what I had.  Xanax and Valium took care of these.  I took them for seven years.  Then, I coasted off of them.  I knew how to get myself off them, but I was still seeing the psychiatrist.  I tried to call her when I was in Shreveport, she had just retired.  I will probably have to find another, but I will wait till I get back home to find one.  I have chronic depression, so I doubt I will become the life of the party anywhere.  My picture is below.  Gonna start back to church, but won't go to the Baptist.  Sorry Baptists.  You all, we have to do what we can to help ourselves.  It is not going to be easy.  We have wax brains and wax hearts.  Maybe they will melt.  I sure wish us the best.  And, I am up at 1:24 a.m. CST.  My granddaughter is binge movie watching.  I have "Mean Girls" memorized.  You all take care of yourselves.  That is all we can do. 

[Gwenivere]

Wow, that is horrible what you are feeling.  Sounds like anxiety or panic.  There are definitely meds that can help.  The problem is funding a doc willing to prescribe something like Xanax, as Marg said.  They push antidepressants.  But she us right, since going generic, they are very reasonably priced.  My insurance requires a deductible for doc visits and procedures.  Meds are not subject to that.  Just co pays.  Maybe you could check that out? 

[MartyT]

Kat, I encourage you to check out RxAssist to see if that will help.

From its site: Patient assistance programs are run by pharmaceutical companies to provide free medications to people who cannot afford to buy their medicine. RxAssist offers a comprehensive database of these patient assistance programs, as well as practical tools, news, and articles so that health care professionals and patients can find the information they need. All in one place.

And Marg, I recognize Joe Btfsplk. I know him well, and I think sometimes we all feel like him, as if a black cloud is hanging over our heads and following us around. He is one of my favorite characters  from L'il Abner ~ one of my daddy's favorite comics when I was young ~ and I still can talk like a native of Dogpatch (if'n ya know what I mean)  

[Margm]

One of the hospitals I worked for had a department just for patient assistance with medications.  Drug companies come by with samples, they give to this department.  Also, companies that advertise on TV ask you to call them for drug assistance. Of course you have to see a doctor first.  My sister is a few hours short her PhD.  She teaches at a college.  She has chronic COPD and needs assistance with her medications.  She only teaches two days a week now.  Our wonderful Governor Jindal on the medical and educational front has managed to bring Louisiana down to unheard of levels.  He closed all the free care hospitals.  Unfortunately, my family on my side is too proud to ask for assistance.  My dad, while terminal, would not take his pain pills because he was afraid he would get addicted........really.  Or, as the young folks say "for realz?"  

Marty, my mom assigned L'il Abner names to everyone, comic names.  I was Moonbeam McSwine, for obvious reasons.  Billy was Tiny.  Baby Huey was not L'il Abner, but at some time or other everyone had that name.  She once told a boyfriend, first and last date, that he looked like Andy Gump.  (He didn't).  

Having worked for the hospitals, I do know that the drug reps bring samples to all the clinics.  A teaching hospital is usually a wonderful hospital and honestly, your wait is no longer than our other hospitals. (If you have insurance, Medicare and some money, of course, it is no longer free care). I made the mistake of thinking they could offer Billy better care.  It was too late though and they hurt him badly.  My insurance has always been Group Insurance with the state of Louisiana.  When Billy reached 65, I thought I would save our government money and not go on Medicare.  Folks, that is not wise.  First off, like paying the IRS, when I got Billy and me both on Medicare, they charged me $20 more a month penalty for not putting Billy on at 65.  .

Anyhow, there is also Medicare and Medicaid for people who do not have enough money to pay the horrible rates doctor's charge.  Sometimes you have to ask to receive.  I cannot get my sister to ask.  Sometimes pride does go before the fall.  The RVing group I belonged to, for obvious traveling reasons, did not as a whole have insurance.  I do not understand this Obamacare, and do understand that the insurance companies are going along with it,, at their own requirements, and it is now fixed where you  cannot get sick.  You cannot afford to.  I am not a political person, but Obama has ruined our health systems and Jindal ruined Louisiana's. 

Other countries offer their people free care.  If Trump does not build that wall to keep people from leaving the country, maybe Canada is a great place.  From looking at Kevin's pictures, it certainly is beautiful.  Anyhow, maybe the saying is true "where there is a will, there is a way."  Not sure about that one anymore.

 

[WolfsKat]

I could likely afford medication....generic version, of course.....it's "mental health" visits that would be totally out of the question, financially....even a office visit to my GP is $175.00 paid upfront before you see him!  A specialist visit is about $300 to $350.....it's crazy.  You either have to be very rich or very poor to be able to get healthcare, it seems.....I'm "working poor".....the few low-cost clinics nearby will only take you if you have NO insurance at all....and I do have insurance, but it only kicks in AFTER I pay $5000.00 out of pocket, and then only 70%. Smh.......

 

[Margm]

Again, I have to refer back to my medical job.  We, at the teaching hospital, were called upon to help other hospitals, clinics, etc.  At one time I held three jobs, my main job at the teaching hospital, working at various other hospitals after I got off work, working at clinics after my main job, and week-ends at other hospitals.  I worked for three family practice doctors the longest part-time job.  My boss was head of the states family practice association.  They have to go back for extensive training, I think, every three years.  They are trained in taking care of some minor mental problems, and sometimes some major ones too.  So, find a family practice doctor.  They will help with your problems.  

Unfortunately, we have no control over the stupid Obamacare.  I think it was meant to help, but it only hurt the "working poor."  I know.  My sister is a political person, but still sees Obama as the Savior of the masses, and he has hurt her so bad she cannot find insurance. Still, she extols his greatness.  Again, I am neither republican or democrat, I hate politics, but am a registered independent.  Just because I have to be something to vote.   

[Guest]

Wolfskat:  I don't know if I can help except to say that I can relate to you.  I too have tremendous anxiety and fear a lot of time.  It abates some, but always comes back.  I also have a horrible sinking feeling every time I come home from anywhere.  My husband used to say "Hey darlin" every time I walked in the door, and it's so quiet and sad. It seems unbearable to keep experiencing that.  Maybe your work will distract you some.  I am looking for a part-time job for just that reason.  I also relate to you about the financial worries.  I've thought over and over that widows and widowers could do a house share or somehow work together in a community way for support.  Don't really know how it would work; just something that keeps turning around in my mind driven by my loneliness and looking at a long future alone.  I don't know where you live, but I also live in a small community in the mountains of North Carolina, and just like you, I find services lacking.  So sorry you and others are going through this stuff.  It just isn't fair after losing so much....Janice

[Guest]

Kat and everyone:  I do have to wonder why antidepressants are the first answer to these feelings after loss.  My doctor wants me to take Paxil.  I have been torn.  I talk to people and read about it and there are so many different ideas.  I am afraid of antidepressants and hate the thought of something building up in my body.  I actually like the idea of something I can take p.r.n., something I can control.  There is also BuSpar.  I am thinking about seeing an integrative doctor to get a second opinion.  There has to be something herbal out there to help.  A friend told me yesterday that "it's been 6 months and I should really be on antidepressants."  There is such a hopeless feeling about that to me.  Of course, I don't totally agree, am still resisting the antidepressant idea.  Will keep looking for something else for a while.  Does anyone know anything about L-theanine?  Best wishes to everyone.

[kayc]

WolfsKat, If you tried signing up for Obamacare, explaining that the insurance your employer offers is worthless?  You may qualify for Medicaid or a combination of.  Some mental health experts charge according to income, as do some counselors.

I know this is a real and terrifying thing to live with, and it warrants your getting some help.  

[Guest]

I'm on mirtsazapine (remeron).  It is not habit forming but does have a couple of side effects:  it increases your appetite (good for me as I wasn't eating and was losing weight) and if taken at night helps with sleep (another plus as prior to I was sleeping two to three hours now eight to nine).  I like it as it levels out my swings without numbing.  I still cry, I still mourn and grieve but it is not as all-encompassing as it was prior to the medication.  I know that the professional community does not like medicating grief but I don't know if I would still be here without the added help.  My health has deteriorated enough with my Crohn's disease, two more months of sleepless nights and not eating should have been enough to send me into an uncontrollable  Crohn's flare.

[kayc]

Brad, you have the misfortune of dealing with chronic illness AND with grief, a double curse.  It's amazing you do so well in your spirit, you are an admirable person!

[Margm]

Janice, my neighbor made it without any help but her faith.  One of my friends relied only on her faith.  I wish my faith was that strong.  I do rely on Xanax.  We each have to do/take what helps us.  When I went into typing medical reports, I learned a bunch of crazy remedies people were taking.  I will mention a couple.  Alligator dung for contraception.  Yeah, I can see where that would work.  My husband's aunt had reached nearly 100 and her doctor dictated her secret, I typed it.  She used honey and vinegar mixed with a cup of water. (Only apple cider vinegar with the "mother" on the bottom.)  When I moved up here to this small town, I found out that people actually went to the farm supply store and bought antibiotics for chickens, livestock, whatever, when they felt they had a bacterial infection.  Of course, they had no idea if it was viral or bacterial, or even the dosage for a chicken vs a human.  But, some doctors prescribe antibiotics for things they are only going on "educated" guesses with.  I can speak with no authority on herbal remedies or anything else.  I only know what I can take.  Who knows, Paxil might work for you.  (But, not for me).  Brad takes what works for him.  I have typed Remeron being prescribed often, and often for older people too, so I think maybe it must be safe.  For myself and my 5 foot tall configuration, I think I might be 5 feet wide fast.  But, if it could have helped Billy have an appetite, I would have funneled it down his throat.  We just did not have enough time.  Even the illegal marijuana did not help him, but it made him feel better for awhile.  I was hoping it would make him eat.  I do not have Crohn's, but I will never be able to eat anything but a low residue diet, and that is deadly.  So be it.  You will have to go with what works for you.  And, I don't think after six months that you should be "cured."  We will never reach that peak, but we can still climb while we are able.  .  .  

[Guest]

Deedo's grandfather started every morning with a shot of bourbon straight.  It was the only time he drank alcohol and he swore by it. He lived well into his nineties.  My stomach couldn't handle it.  

Medical marijuana is legal here in AZ and we tried Deedo on both THC and CBD tinctures with very disappointing results.  The goal was to increase appetite and sense of well being.  The THC just stoned her to the point of not being able to function, even low dosage spread out over time would render her catatonic.  Neither the THC nopr the CBD increased her appetite.  We kept her on the CBD because it didn't stone her and some studies indicate it might attack active cancer cells; but we know that didn't happen for Deedo.  The Mayo Clinic does not support the use of medical marijuana but they weren't too upset when we started.  

[Margm]

We did not ask permission.  But, we did tell his hematologist.  All he wanted to know was if it worked.  We felt if it worked he was totally okay with it.  Actually, a palliative care nurse at the big hospital had recommended it, and did not hesitate telling us this.  My one memory of his illness that I cherish, the only one, is when he could not walk without help, but was outside smoking with my daughter and son.  He saw me come out the door and his weak legs had enough strength to run toward me, grab me and hug me.  Both kids were on both sides of him because he could not walk without help, but that marijuana made him where he could bowlegged run and grab me.  I miss him.

I try not to cry while my granddaughter is here.  Billy was the only "Dade" she ever knew.  She was adopted by my daughter, but she lived with us.  He was her first nanny, and she had his heart from the first time he held her.  My back is to her, but that memory still brings happy/sad tears.  

[WolfsKat]

6 hours ago, Janice Cox said:

 I've thought over and over that widows and widowers could do a house share or somehow work together in a community way for support.  Don't really know how it would work; just something that keeps turning around in my mind driven by my loneliness and looking at a long future alone.

Dear Janice

WOW!  And here I thought I'd had a original idea!  I've actually been ruminating on JUST such a concept!!!  I've said as much to my friends, family....don't think they quite "get it".  Personally, here is what I think I'd like for myself.  A shared living arrangement, splitting the bills.  I lean towards thinking I would rather share with a widower, just seems like it might be advantageous for both. And, I do NOT mean "roomies w/benefits"......no hanky panky, 100% platonic, only. Separate bedrooms (and hopefully bathrooms), additional guest room.....share common quarters such as living room, kitchen, laundry, etc. Each to have their privacy when desired. I'd even do all the cooking, I dearly love to cook for others, not much fun for one. And, of course, each would understand the other in terms of their grief.  Obviously, both would have to discuss ground rules & such....and ascertain they would be a good fit.  There should be some sort of "matching" site for this....it would help both with financial aspects and emotional support....and loneliness. Intriguing, to say the least.

[hollowheart]

Wolfskat I thought about you first thing this morning because I start back at work today and I think I had an anxiety a track this morning. It's so dark here when I wake up at the time I need to for work, it feels dark and scary to get up and go out. I spent my whole vacation at home except one trip to the store in a car with other family and heading to our outside basement. I realized I never wanted to leave the house again. I felt that way right after my sister passed too. 

I take Zoloft but honestly can't tell if it's doing anything besides making me sleep. It's the generic kind but it's still about $30 a bottle before my insurance. I would think there is some sliding scale clinc near you that can help. I can understand after 4 months developing this anxiety. That's a good amount of time off, and not the usual bereavement time.  I wish I could get that much time off. But I know if I did I'd feel just like you, probably worse. I'd probably pacify myself into thinking I didn't have to go back especially since I hate my job. Going back would be a nightmare (another one). To get back into that work routine will be a big adjustment and I felt it when I had to go back into the world.  Knowing my sister wasn't around made me feel lost and vulnerable. It felt scary. 

I think I dealt with it because I had no choice and it sorta got better. I think that's part of where my bitterness comes from. I want to quit just so I can hold up at home and sleep and not have to deal with stupid work things while I'm still heartbroken and grieving. One boss is REALLY nasty and never even gave his condolences. He curses and yells at you when he's frustrated and most of the time it's his fault. Dealing with that with my loss makes me want to put an ax through his face. Work sometimes is very hard in that regard. 

[Dew's Girl]

So sorry to hear about those of you forced to deal with anxiety on top of grief.  I cannot imagine how strong you must be to be able to handle both.

 

I think the cohabitation idea is awesome!

I'd love to find one or two roommates someday. I've got this huge 4 bedroom house and its empty and lonely.  Of course I don't know how long I'll end up staying here.  I'll be 45 this year and plan on working about another 10 years before I retire.  Who knows where I'd go from there.

[WolfsKat]

1 hour ago, Dew's Girl said:

I think the cohabitation idea is awesome!

I'd love to find one or two roommates someday. I've got this huge 4 bedroom house and its empty and lonely.  Of course I don't know how long I'll end up staying here.  I'll be 45 this year and plan on working about another 10 years before I retire.  Who knows where I'd go from there

Someone, somewhere....should come up with a site where like-minded persons can enable such a living situation.....I think it would take off like gangbusters!!!  Background checks, definitely.....extensive questionaires regarding habits/expectations/compatibility....I'd certainly utilize such a site!

[Guest]

Hoping you slept last night WolfsKat.  I like the idea too. 

[Tfer]

I don't know about anyone else but for me, some of the OTC herbal remedies help a bit. I take one capsule of Valerian Root when I'm feeling particularly upset or anxious. St. John's Wort is also supposed to help with that. For sleeping, sometimes Melatonin helps -- sometimes it doesn't but it can't hurt to try. I've had no negative side effects from any of these and find the Valerian Root "takes the edge off" when I need it. I also have no desire to go on an anti-depressant and that was the first thing the therapist recommended for me. So if you can't find another solution, maybe give the Valerian or st. John's Wort a try...

 

[WolfsKat]

9 hours ago, Tfer said:

I don't know about anyone else but for me, some of the OTC herbal remedies help a bit. I take one capsule of Valerian Root when I'm feeling particularly upset or anxious. St. John's Wort is also supposed to help with that. For sleeping, sometimes Melatonin helps -- sometimes it doesn't but it can't hurt to try. I've had no negative side effects from any of these and find the Valerian Root "takes the edge off" when I need it. I also have no desire to go on an anti-depressant and that was the first thing the therapist recommended for me. So if you can't find another solution, maybe give the Valerian or st. John's Wort a try...

 

I've tried all of those.....none seemed to do the trick....or perhaps it is a cumulative effect?  I go to the doctor for a post-op checkup Thursday.....he's a orthopedic surgeon but aware of my recent loss (I had to postpone the surgery due to Connor's hospitalization and death)...hoping perhaps he can prescribe something for me....I did take Trazadone for about a month, and it helped with taking the edge off the anxiety and enabling some sleep....no ill effects that I noted.  But, I admit, it was my husband's medication....I'd remembered he had told me it had very few problems associated with it, and I was desperate enough to take it.  But when it was gone......wham.....hit again within a few days!