One Year

[Margm]

[Guest]

Butch -

Just so you know you can edit your comments and delete all or some of them.  If there are things you wish to change just ude the edit button.  I've done this more than once when I've rethought a post.  However, what I've read I see someone in significant pain and who wouldn't be having gone through a year like you have had.

[WolfsKat]

Enna.......I am going to print out that badge and wear it.......some days even that IS a huge accomplishment....thanks for the smile!

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

Good luck to everyone here 

Butch, I don't know if you are leaving or just want to erase your thoughts.  I hope you know anything said here is totally understood and people do care.  

[kayc]

Butch,

I don't know how I missed your posts yesterday.  You can edit or delete your posts yourself, but you didn't say anything to be ashamed of or sorry for, we've all felt this way at times.  I pray it gets better for you.  And you told her it was okay because you wanted to help HER, which is the most selfless act there is!

[Kpl48]

Butch, I hope you will keep sharing. You have helped me a lot. I'll look for you!

[kayc]

I think we sometimes regret how we respond to a situation when we measure ourselves against an imaginary "should".  Shoulds are what we feel others expect of us or what society puts on us.  In this case, other people's expectations just can't apply because they don't know the depths of what they're talking about!  This transcends anything else we've ever been through, it's immeasurable, and it's felt to the core.  Butch, you are justified in everything you feel and have no cause to apologize for it, ever.

[MartyT]

Sharing with all of you a poignant piece by Michelle Jarvie, posted last Saturday on Open to Hope:

A Letter to Myself (As A New Widow)

. . . the love of my life was killed by a negligent driver.

And I paced, and paced, and paced around our house. What was I supposed to do now?

Seven and a half years later, here’s the letter I wish I could’ve given myself at that time:  Read on here >>>

[Guest]

Thank you Marty.  

"Know that the path you are on is not linear, and the stages of grief will be different, then similar, then repetitive, then long, then boiling, and then sad. Don’t suppress it. At some point, when sadness is where you stay, you will be able to make decisions about how to move forward."

Grief is not linear, I am in constant need of reminding.  My life, until now, has always been linear.  Based on an "if" "then" premise.  Now when I "if" the "then" does not follow.  The past few days felt different and then yesterday and today slapped me back into sadness, loneliness, aloneness, un-suppressable emptiness.  My heart tells me I need to stay here; my mind tells me I don't like this and to move forward.  My heart has always been far more accurate than my mind.  I just wish it weren't so now.

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

 The past few days felt different and then yesterday and today slapped me back into sadness, loneliness, aloneness, un-suppressable emptiness.  My heart tells me I need to stay here; my mind tells me I don't like this and to move forward.

This is me. This morning I was slapped back into this aloneness, sadness and emptiness. Even more so thinking about all the things I was looking forward to doing with my sister, especially the car thing. We had been looking forward to me getting a car and of course right before it happens...boom.  The unfairness of that rips at my heart so much. 

I think about stories I have heard about people dying or getting killed on their wedding day. Just the idea that you are preparing for happy times ahead but life goes "Nope! No happiness for you!"  That's what makes my anger stay.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

Grief is not linear, I am in constant need of reminding.  My life, until now, has always been linear.  Based on an "if" "then" premise.  Now when I "if" the "then" does not follow.  The past few days felt different and then yesterday and today slapped me back into sadness, loneliness, aloneness, un-suppressable emptiness.  My heart tells me I need to stay here; my mind tells me I don't like this and to move forward.  My heart has always been far more accurate than my mind.  I just wish it weren't so now.

Wow, you are so right!  Life was much simpler.  I did the if/then too as I think we all did.  If. Buy this for dinner, then it will make us both happy, if I get this task out of the way we will have more time for whatever, etc.  Now I do things and when they are done, that's it.  All that was accomplished was the task.  I don't even know how to judge moving forward these days.  Could be where I am in time, the dreariness of winter, the spending the holidays as I did, I don't know.  But my mind does want to speed thru this as does my heart, but my heart seems to get that isn't possible as this wasn't like losing anything else I ever experienced.  The mind keeps saying....come on, come on, let's get back to enjoying life.  My heart and I sit here and say well, you find a way to do it, to defeat time and we are all in.  We are a trio with one persistent impatient member.

[R.Everit55]

Got myself after a year and three days, I feel I've not moved forward at all.  I've changed.  My outlooks, my mood, my trust, my desire etc has changed to more of a bitter place.  But moving forward hasn't much happened.  

Butch

[kevin]

  Gwen your breaking me up........., simpler times meant a table set, table cloth, supper at an appointed time, discussions about anything, and a possible evening stroll with the dog....now I'm on a permanent Caveman diet, eating right out of the frying pan, or drinking out of a blender...............give me some more daylight, then I will be able to walk the dog in the evening.........nothing in my journey appears to be linear or structured unless they are influenced from an outside agency. I am somewhat spontaneous but follow my  calendar(daytimer)., memory not what it used to be.......have a good evening

[Gwenivere]

I went Cavewoman for a time, never had done that before.  It was easier cleaning up, but made me feel more lonely.   So back to dishes.  I have structure, but it is so different now (dogs being the driving force instead of together time) and my day is ruled by a to do list.  Otherwise I would sit, stare off and wonder what the heck to do.  Do that any free time I have as it is.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I never thought of it like that before, but you're so right!  All of our thoughts and motivations were geared towards "him/us" and now, whatever we complete is just a task checked off without the reward of having more time to spend together.

Butch,

Of course you've changed, how could you not!  It's changed all of us, this was life altering.  I pray you move past the bitter stage.  I know it doesn't seem like it, but one year into your grief is still early in the journey.  Are you seeing a grief counselor?  If not, maybe you should consider it, it might benefit you.  If you have tried one and it didn't help, try another.  Not all of them resonate with us, nor are all as intuitive as they could be.  But a good one can be like gold.

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I never thought of it like that before, but you're so right!  All of our thoughts and motivations were geared towards "him/us"

Speaking of motivations for "us", this made me think about one of the major things I miss is doing something for someone. That may sound weird for me and my sister, but I liked being out in a store and seeing something she might like. If it was cheap enough or on sale, I'd buy it. Or even if it wasn't and I knew she would want it I'd buy it and give it to her.  It was one of the things I loved about Christmas.

Now I just feel like: Run Errands. Go Home. Period.

There's nothing left. The having nothing to look forward to makes for very long days. Weekends still go by fast, but the days are slow. I used to be trying to hold back the clock and my sister would laugh at me always checking the time. I'm just really hating this life.

[Kpl48]

Gwenivere, I hate this life too. I'm building a life without Andre because I have no other choice. Each day is something to get through. I push myself to do things, and sometimes I just stay in bed for a couple of days. I numb myself by watching tv and fretfully sleeping. I do just what is necessary to take care of myself and my dog. I cry every day. I want to be with Andre. I miss him so much. 

[Margm]

Well ya'll, I sure don't have any answers.  My moods run from terrible crying until my heart scares me (no spring chicken here, remember), to my brain being numb (thankfully for a few minutes), to making plans, and then to the place I was in driving from my old Louisiana home to my Arkansas "de house."  I could turn left and head for Oklahoma.  I could get me a room on some lake over there.  Then yesterday, clearing Billy's stuff out of the truck, I could run and run and run.  I could do all this but in the end I would end up in the same place with the person I am trying to run away from...........me.  I cannot bring Billy back.  I have my regrets.  Our marriage had a lot of rough spots, but at the end of the day we might not have totally forgot, but we did forgive, and we did understand each other and why the other had done things.  We took the blame for our own actions.  Does not bring him back.  I don't like me.  My kids like me.  My friends like me, but I cannot stand myself.  Things I should have done, well, I just did not do them.  The thing that nearly killed me almost two years ago, it might get me yet, and I just don't care.  I will take care of myself, but it might not be enough.  And, this morning, learning to drive the smaller truck, well I just got angry at Billy for leaving me with all this stuff to finish.  And, of course that does not make any sense.  We all live in this conundrum, this riddle of a life we have to make the best of, and it sure ain't easy.  I am an old Baptist, and I want to be with Billy in the hereafter, if possible.  Counselors?  Psychiatrists?  Nope, I don't think so.  My answer is finding the faith I have lost somewhere along the way.  Right now I do not have a GPS to find it, but if I live long enough I will.  One thing for certain, I cannot run away from me.  If I could, I already would have.  Everywhere I go, here I am.

[Kpl48]

Marg, I totally understand that running and/or making desperate changes is not the thing to do...ever. I spent a good part of my life running from one thing to another, especially during my younger days. I always thought a new situation was the answer. Today I don't have the energy to run. I'm staying in our small home. I'm thinking of remodeling, but am not up to it. I need to be more consistent about walking my dog, doing housework, and keeping up with paperwork first! Staying here does feel beyond lonely without my Andre. Running would be even lonelier. 

[Margm]

We bought this house so our granddaughter could go to a small school and she was finally home schooled.  It is too big for just me.  It was built in 1965, lots of remodeling done in all those years.  Billy and I both were RV people.  The only house I ever cried about was when we sold our Holiday Rambler and moved into a stix and brix.  I hate houses and so did Billy.  I will never find him again anywhere I go, and what there is of him in this house I can move to an apartment.  We were fixing to put it on the market.  Last March bought our forever home, the new RV.  It has not moved out of the driveway, but we gave it to our son when it was actually known we would not travel.  I wanted the miracle, Billy knew the truth.  I don't want to be here.  He is not here.  I just don't know where I want to be.  If the house was small, I still would want to leave it.  I see my neighbor in her split level huge house on her SS income, and don't know if either of us will live long enough to keep our houses in good shape.  We talked the other day and neither of us felt old until we lost our husbands, but the strange thing is, we would still be this old if our husbands had lived.  There is a blog called "RVSue and Crew."  She is nearing 70 and lives with her two dogs, mostly on BLM land, pays senior dues for parking in some places.  Not sure if I can do that.  She pulls a small RV, has solar panels.  She is a retired school teacher.  I admire her, but not sure I want to do that either.  I don't want to get melancholy about this house.  Don't want to stay here.  I could buy a small motorhome, but if I have trouble judging distances with a big truck, how much damage could I do with something twice as big.  A lot of thinking to do.

[Margm]

And, I sure hijacked Butch's thread.  I should put stuff on my Paths thread.  That is life now though.........S-P-L-A-T........all over the place.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

Gwenivere, I hate this life too. I'm building a life without Andre because I have no other choice. Each day is something to get through. I push myself to do things, and sometimes I just stay in bed for a couple of days. I numb myself by watching tv and fretfully sleeping. I do just what is necessary to take care of myself and my dog. I cry every day. I want to be with Andre. I miss him so much. 

Sounds like we are almost living duplicate lives.  We are in the same timeline for our losses.  I do get out every day, but often I have no where to go so that adds to the sadness.  I see my counselor today and want to say....ok, I've tried this for almost 15 months and it's not working.  It's not the life I want to live.  I was hit by another sobbing attack just as I was going to bed last night.  I thought it was the usual anxiety I get.  The thought of knowing I would wake to another day without him (and that was part of it I'm sure), but it dawned on me I had spent the evening doing things on my own and one was moving his briefcase and backpack to make it more convenient for me to store a canister vacuum in his closet.  I did it without thinking at the time.  Usually I am very sensitive to moving his things because so much of him is gone, but it was part of the task.  I put part of Steve in the garage!  Also, everything I seemed to run into on TV had something akin to my loss.  It was like the perfect storm forming and I didn't see it til it hit.  Ironically I went to bed the night before calm and smiled at a memory from our 20's.  There is no rhyme or reason to any of this and that is what is driving me into a deep despair.  A frightening one.  I have my dogs too, but while I love them dearly, they cannot pull me out of this.  I really feel like I tried a new job, found it is not for me, but I can't quit.  I'm trapped.  Imprisoned.  No one can rescue me but me and I look at myself and say......man, you really are in trouble now.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

Marg, I totally understand that running and/or making desperate changes is not the thing to do...ever. I spent a good part of my life running from one thing to another, especially during my younger days. I always thought a new situation was the answer. 

It's 'funny' how things are so different now that we are facing such life altering changes.  These aren't the days of breakups, someone making an unkind remark at work, a fallout with a friend or family.  This is the real deal and there is no place to go.  If I didn't like something way back when, I just moved on.  Oh, there were tears and dramatics sometimes, but nothing even remotely close to the impact this loss is.  It's the way of life, much as I hate to say it.  We could not fathom then true loss as we we were in a stage of discovery.  Now that we found what we wanted and lost it, there is no lace to run to.

[hollowheart]

4 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

 I spent a good part of my life running from one thing to another, especially during my younger days. I always thought a new situation was the answer.

In some cases it could be, and I always felt so too. A new job, a new place to live--a clean slate was the order of the day.

 

28 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

These aren't the days of breakups, someone making an unkind remark at work, a fallout with a friend or family.  This is the real deal and there is no place to go.

I hear people say things like "you gotta get back up on that horse" or I see things about how to redefine your life. I loved watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday on Sundays as it was inspirational in how to change your life and "live your best life" as she would say. I felt that used to apply to me. Now, there are no tips or tricks they can offer that can help me re-charge my life.

Sure, yes, I COULD, but I feel it just doesn't work now. When I had fully decided to find a job I actually liked, lose weight, seriously work on my  book, things like that. That was redefining my life and making self-improvements. It depresses me I can't feel that inspiration to change right now. I just feel depleted.

[Margm]

I went back and read all the stuff I am writing and I'm saying the same things over and over.  Had some bad days.  Think we all do.  I get to where I just repeat myself.  My son hooked me up with someone who will paint my Ford Ranger purple and even put red flames on the side, but don't think I will do that.