One Year

[Dew's Girl]

Butch, 

My heart goes out to you.  It is so clear how strong your love is and that means your grief is all the harder for it.  I hope you are able to find some measure of peace in the wonderful memories you have and in the knowledge that you will be together again some day. 

Amy

[Kpl48]

I can really identify with all of you. Life is so different now. The only thing that motivates me is getting through each day alive. I often don't want to live just in order to stop this constant pain over the loss of my husband. Most of the time I can't get beyond living one day at a time. The future seems to difficult to face. I have accomplished quite a lot since he died. My therapist and good friends remind me of that in a very loving way. I'm always surprised at what I have done. I feel so incapable, but the facts show I am capable! Deep down I know I can make it, yet I hurt so bad. 

[Margm]

Kpl, I think we all understand.  Every good moment is appreciated by each of us.  And the pain sometimes is unbearable.  I talked to my neighbor, a widow of four years, today.  I have really been down and I hate the panic attacks when that happens. I cannot sit still for long when that happens.  She wants to get me a cup of coffee or a coke, but I just seem to want reassurance and then I leave.  I hate the panic.  She assured me that it would get easier.  I sure hope so.  I have so much to do.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Kpl48 said:

 I have accomplished quite a lot since he died. My therapist and good friends remind me of that in a very loving way. I'm always surprised at what I have done. I feel so incapable, but the facts show I am capable! Deep down I know I can make it, yet I hurt so bad. 

Same for me.  I kept a list on my iPad last year of projects I got done.  I don't know how I did it except I was still in semi shock.  I see what I got done around me.  This year is proving harder.  I'm fighting thru no protection from shock anymore.  I just give myself is permission to get thru alive like you for now.

56 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I have really been down and I hate the panic attacks when that happens. I cannot sit still for long when that happens.  She wants to get me a cup of coffee or a coke, but I just seem to want reassurance and then I leave.  I hate the panic.  She assured me that it would get easier.  I sure hope so.  I have so much to do.  

Marg, speaking as another who lives with panic attacks, you may want to avoid coffee and cokes.  I have wiped all caffeine out of my life.  My therapist assures me it can get better as long as we don't get too lost in the despair.  I believe that, but that's time and lots of effort, something hard to find when we most need it.   

[Margm]

I do have my morning cup of coffee.  No caffeine the rest of day.  Will leave it off tomorrow and the next day. 

[hollowheart]

11 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

 I have accomplished quite a lot since he died. My therapist and good friends remind me of that in a very loving way. I'm always surprised at what I have done. I feel so incapable, but the facts show I am capable! Deep down I know I can make it, yet I hurt so bad. 

I think for a long time we didn't give ourselves enough credit for what we have accomplished, and that includes getting out of bed and out of pajamas. That is an accomplishment! I feel like me going to work and able to talk to people without bursting into tears randomly is an accomplishment that people don't realize is one.

It's not always about big tasks. I was told after Jan 1 to have my life planned and what I want to do. Why? Does anyone else have their whole life planned after the 1st? When I start to complain about the week is dragging people don't get my complaints, and I'm looked at like the old lady shaking her fists at the neighbor kids. No, the week gets long with this grief and just getting out of bed has been a huge deal the past couple of days.

We are all capable, I know we know this for sure. But it does not feel like it being weighed down by this pain and grief. We can't push ourselves. One day we do something we couldn't do yesterday. That is a good day.

[Margm]

Getting out of bed has never been a problem.  This morning, I went back to bed.  Just not feeling good.  Problem:  I think, and think, and think, and think.  So, I got back up.  Cannot handle the thinking.  

I had so many doves on the porch this morning.  I put out bird seed, which they share with the squirrels.  Used to be something Billy could watch for hours.  Never had so many doves.  At one time there were over 20, like Monday.  A squirrel moves, you turn around, they are all gone.  But, right now in their place are cardinals, lots of cardinals.  Wish I could find my mojo.  

[Amiss]

On 1/9/2016 at 5:05 PM, Gwenivere said:

Your post really resonates with me.  I am into that 2nd year and finding it harder to want to continue on as I have.  There have been times I feel improvement, but they are too fleeting to trust.  More and more I keep thinking I don't want to do this anymore.  I've never felt this way before so it is scary.  I try and keep 'perspective', but the reality hits that at one time I had someone 24/7 in my life and that is totally gone.  Not like someone moving away and you can still call.  Plus this was my partner, my best friend and deepest love.  I can keep loving, but I can't feel it back.  That I the worst part.  People tell me he still loves me.  Even if that is true, how does that help me if I can't see, hear, touch or talk to him?  I am told the 2nd year is harder because all buffers are exhausted.  Wether consciously or not, I think the 1st year is spent with some kind of hope this a nightmare that will end.  Energy is devoted to that and keeping busy.  By the end of that we realize the ultimate truth and are so very depleted emotionally. The thought of continuing takes so much energy knowing this is real.  I cry because he is gone and I cry for myself.  I want to scream at the universe as I did, but I'm too tired.  

No, it is not OK.  It never will be.  Perhaps we will adapt to living like this, but it will be a long, painful and slow one.  I wish I could say differently to help you and maybe others can.  But I know how you feel.  It's devastating. 

This too is my second year and I am feeling more confused and lonely everyday.  I have wonderful kids and grandchildren who think they understand but they dont.  I want to move on but feel this stress and anxiety holding me from doing all the things I would like to do.  I had a professional job and took care of my husband for 10 years and considered myself organized and competent.  Now I can't remember why I entered a room. I traveled, hosted parties, and organized events.  All I want now is my recliner and sleep.  This is irritating me but I dont know how to get my act together again.  Any suggestions?

[kayc]

It's been 10 1/2 years for me and I'm just now getting my focus back to be able to read a book through.  It feels kind of like shaken brain, and it does take a lot of time and effort to get focus back.  I'm sure it varies for all of us as to how long, what degree, etc.

[Amiss]

It's been 14 months since I held my husband when he took his last breath.  He had suffered for more than 10 years with a degenerated neurological disease that took away his body in accrued and undignified manner.  We approached every decline in a new and aggressive way with no success.  He finally loss his ability to walk,eat, drink, and see.  His depression became so overwhelming that I left my work position to stay home with him the last 15 months of his life.  His mood seemed to get better and he enjoyed the fact that with me home we would have more visits with grandchildren and family.(Funny how that happened and not sure why he didn't have that before). Anyway he seemed to be turning around a little bit until he got aspiration pneumonia and then everything went downhill to the point where he never regained any weight or strength.  He underwent surgery to have a port put in for fluids and food.  At that point while he was under light sedation he had a revelation of how good our life had been and how he no longer wished to live the way he was.  I was heartbroken.  After we came home from the hospital and the overwhelming amount of hospice homecare came in, I knew in my heart it was not going to be successful.  I called our family to advise them of what was happening should they wish to see him and many came to see him.  It was like having a living wake until he went in an unconscious state.  His beautiful blue eyes were now unable to close and in a constant state.  Making him comfortable was now the only thing I could do for him. I played our favorite music, read stories and talked about our life together.  I know he could still hear me as he would move a little like he was reaching for me.  I would would lift him to me but was so afraid of hurting him (he weighed less than 100lbs).  We held hands from morning to night and I slept in the recliner next to him.  It was important that I was there when he died as his last unselfish request was that his brain be donated to John Hopkins (this is where he was seen).  He wanted someone to discover a cure for his rare disease that may be passed on to our children and families.  There was a short period of time that this could be achieved, so I wanted to make sure his last wish was a success. He died almost in almost 3 weeks.  The worst 3 weeks of my life.  I had nightmares for months reliving every moment.  I was actually relieved his suffering was over but the emptiness and loneliness is overwhelming.  

I am sorry this so long but I really needed to tell my story to someone who can understand how it feels to lose your spouse after 40 years.  It's like having half your body removed with no strength to move the other half.

[kayc]

Amiss,

What a selfless man your husband was, that his last thought could be helping find a cure for someone else!  How special your last time together was, holding hands, just being close.  My heart goes out to you.  And it really isn't about how many years you were together, it's about how close you were.  Be it 5 or 40 years, it is but a drop in the bucket compared to how long we would have wished for.

[kevin]

Amiss, looking back, it was a three weeks you wouldn't trade for anything. Cherish those last acts as noble, request of Medical donation to John Hopkins, and the 24/7 companionship/hand holding gives me a good loving image. You did good 

[Cookie]

Gwenivere:  What you wrote really spoke to me.  I'm feeling that way now at 7 months, realizing this is forever and wondering how I will be able to live with it.  I agree there is such a large hole that you just can't fill.  You don't have to feel like you can't say these things at whatever time you are from your loved one's death.  I think I realize that this is going to be very difficult for a long, long time.  I would rather hear the truth.  I can relate to that.  I have moments that are okay but they are rare.  Lots of worry about what the future holds without John.  I feel for you and for me and everyone else.  I hate to say this, but when someone says they are doing well, it almost hurts because I want to do well.  I know that sounds awful.  I don't wish anyone to feel bad; it's a base, childlike jealous reaction.  Forgive me; if you read this and are doing well, that is good; it's just that I feel like that will never be me and it's lonely.  Take care everyone, Cookie

[Kpl48]

Amiss, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am entering my second year. I continue to grieve and it's very painful. I'm trying to build a new life, as we all must do. Please keep sharing here. It really helps. 

[kayc]

Janice, you will feel better than you do right now, I can't predict how long that will be, it's different for everyone, but you'll get there eventually.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Cookie said:

I hate to say this, but when someone says they are doing well, it almost hurts because I want to do well.  I know that sounds awful.  I don't wish anyone to feel bad; it's a base, childlike jealous reaction.  Forgive me; if you read this and are doing well, that is good; it's just that I feel like that will never be me and it's lonely.  Take care everyone, Cookie

Janice, it doesn't sound awful.  The hardest thing I see everyday is couples.  That really is a trigger for me.  As is hearing someone is doing better than I am.  I do want to stomp my feet like a child sometimes and have.  Jealously, envy, anger....it is part of what makes us human.  The trick, I feel, Is to allow those feelings and not feel like we were singled out.  Death will come to us all. What we ARE experiencing is what some never will, the one left behind.  It affects everything we ever knew about ourselves.  Challenges our beliefs or creates questions that can drive us batty looking for answers.  It changes something that was never going to be permanent, but we never thought about that.  Impermanence is the way of life.  That is hard to accept when you we sharing that with someone and now have to alone.

One thing I have asked people (including my counselor) to stop saying is 'it will get better'.  Only because it feels like a false hope right now.  I have to get thru my days and see what happens as it happens.  If there is anything this experience is teaching me is that I have to find my way and make my own mistakes.  I don't like carrots on sticks dangled in front of me as incentives as they have let me down before.  One being the one year mark.  I am close to 15 months now and feel worse than I ever thought possible.  So those 'carrots' create confusion and disappointment.  I now see that this is so mind blowing that there cannot possibly be any sentiment that will console me.  I have to get that from the times I feel less ravaged by the pain and accept they are temporary for the time being.  It helped, did not say easy, to stop being so taken aback when the darkness returned.   It's finding your own truth.  It's hard as at this time socially, people assume you are better.  It's easier to let them think that unless they are close confidants.  Energy is my most precious commodity so I am careful how I spend it.  My day is like a debit card with a limit.  I make decisions about where I will spend it to last the day.  

Lonely becomes more than a word too.  It's a horrible feeling.  But they is where I am.  I don't feel I contribute to get anything from the world anymore.  I hope that changes.  I read from others it has, but am still leery as I am new to this.  I carry a little stone with HOPE on it in my pocket because Steve gave it to me.  Once I threw it on the table is disgust before he died and he asked me to please keep carrying it, so I do.  Maybe he knows/knew something I don't.  I figure if he could ask me to do that and he was the one facing death, I owe him that, wether I believe it or not.  

Well never be who we were.  That I do know.  It's hard waiting to see what we will be.  Some flourish in time and some just survive.  Don't know which I will be.  When the pain eases, I can say I hope we all find some reason, purpose and will smile again from the heart.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

You are articulating your needs and that is good.

[Cookie]

Gwenivere:  Always so nice to hear from you.  You really articulate things well.  I totally agree about the "things will get better" statement.  I'm afraid to hope sometimes.  I definitely want to be in the flourishing group, trying to put my focus on that, but the pain and aching definitely get in the way.  Something I'm having trouble with is not being able to feel him at all.  I hear people say all the time that they feel their loved one's presence or just know they are there.  My husband feels so gone; it's deafening.  He was really suffering at the end and very tired, so I tell myself that he just needed to get as far away from this life as he could.  We were very close, though; we always talked about our connection in this life, being soulmates, so I am so troubled that there is nothing......People also say that they want to live on because their loved one wanted them to.  I know John wanted me to live and be happy, but I want to live on because I want it.  I have experienced so much joy in this life and know what it is; am so hoping that is possible again, even though it seems impossible right now.  We are having a big snowstorm today and all weekend; I think a lot of people are in this.  It makes me miss my husband so much.  He loved this kind of weather and was fearless, which always helped me endure it.  I feel a kinship with your thinking; take care, Cookie

[Guest]

Janice,

3 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Something I'm having trouble with is not being able to feel him at all.  I hear people say all the time that they feel their loved one's presence or just know they are there.  My husband feels so gone; it's deafening.  He was really suffering at the end and very tired, so I tell myself that he just needed to get as far away from this life as he could.  We were very close, though; we always talked about our connection in this life, being soulmates, so I am so troubled that there is nothing

Me too.  Deedo left a letter telling me to look for signs but I don't see them; she had signs two months after her mother passed and for me it's been nearly six months and nothing.  I assume I'm too dense to pick up on them.  I have had a few dreams with her in them but they were insignificant dreams.  As with you and your husband: my Deedo feels gone and I feel alone, empty.

[Cookie]

Brad:  Yes, I have also had dreams with John in them that were insignificant.  A friend told me she thinks he knows how much pain I'm in and won't appear in dreams or show signs so that I will move past this and not get hooked on looking for him...who knows.  Someone also said they thought that when you are in this much pain, you cannot see signs or connect with a lost one.  John had said before he died that if he could, he would come back to help me.  I do believe he would if he could.  We were so close, as you were with you wife.  We talked about our connection a lot and felt like soulmates, which makes it all the more troubling to feel nothing from him.  I have considered going to a recommended medium; don't know, though.  I get desperate sometimes for anything.  I wish us all peace, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Cookie said:

Something I'm having trouble with is not being able to feel him at all.  I hear people say all the time that they feel their loved one's presence or just know they are there.  My husband feels so gone; it's deafening.  He was really suffering at the end and very tired, so I tell myself that he just needed to get as far away from this life as he could.  

Janice, I feel the same way.  In the beginning I felt a presence, but I think it was my heart aching for him and the newness that everywhere I looked were a reminder.  Empty chair, a guitar with no owner, clothes scattered here and there, etc.  There has been a few odd things happen, but they could just be coincidental.  I really don't know.  My dearest friend has told me she has seen and talked to him and he is trying to reach me, but I am a 'hard case' because I never believed in that.  It was interesting she knew things she couldn't have tho.  I had to shelve that for now as all it did was muck with my emotional state right now.  Anyway, you bring up a good point.  Maybe they need to get away from the end of their lives for a bit.  I know Steve suffered more than he should have and so wanted to be released from that.  I am adapting to some of the emptiness, but he will always be here in my heart and memory.   And who knows? Maybe someday I will feel him again.  I hope you do too.  Does it really matter if it is a deep feeling from within or imaginary?  It could be him too!  I feel anything that gives us comfort is a welcome thing.