Husband just passed suddenly

[Guest]

Our society relishes youth.  Some societies honor and respect the aged.  They see them as experienced and wise.  We ridicule the aged.  They are the butt of our jokes.  Death makes us feel uncomfortable and we avoid dealing with things that make us feel uncomfortable.  I was the one who avoided those who lost loved ones for fear of saying something stupid.  With those who have the Hallmark advice, the clichés, personally would rather deal with them because I can at least respond with how it makes me feel and suggest better ways of helping me.  I can't respond to those who avoid me because my presence makes them feel uncomfortable.

[kevin]

Brad, I live in a town where the average age has to be 55........this place the kids leave at 18 for College (or employment) and the Seniors have the retail jobs.  Senior living, assisted living, and Homecare are all industries in my town.........With the Economy resource based, and the economy on year 8 of stall....I think Seniors Pensions are the biggest industry in this town........I'm 63 and one of the"middle aged" .....

[Guest Janka]

22 minutes ago, kevin said:

Brad, I live in a town where the average age has to be 55........this place the kids leave at 18 for College (or employment) and the Seniors have the retail jobs.  Senior living, assisted living, and Homecare are all industries in my town.........With the Economy resource based, and the economy on year 8 of stall....I think Seniors Pensions are the biggest industry in this town........I'm 63 and one of the"middle aged" .....

Dear Kevin,you can be glad.You are still young there...

Janka

[Guest]

Kevin - Sounds like the White Mountains in the summer when the snowbirds come to escape the heat. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, hollowheart said:

It's like when someone plays a joke on you and they make you think something happened when it didn't, in that moment you freak out, you can't believe it. Those are real emotions that you can't fake. Then when they tell you it's fake you relax and realize you are glad that it wasn't real because what you were feeling was the worst thing ever. 

If only that were the case for us in our situations now.   If only we could 'wake up' and find this was a cruel joke.

[Kathryn1]

Thanks Hollowheart,

That joke scenario explains it really well, thats exactly like how it is. Saw the grief counsellor today at the cancer centre. Also saw my dr a few days ago. Like almost everyone on here they said im doing very  normal and to just let myself grieve, however that may be. For the person here who wrote I'd make my mom ill and i had to get out of bed as had been in bed 9 days, thats simply not true and that comment wasnt supportive. 

I hadnt been in bed for 9 days, my husband passed away suddenly 9 days before. And he only survived 17 days  after being diagnosed. And those entire 17 days were made up of total chaos, 22 hour days of total care, multiple caregivers in and out of our home throughout each day and hours of frantic phone calls trying to get things arranged. There was no time to arrange hospice even as he deteriorated so fast. They tried, but it was too late. He deteriorated by the hour. Im an RN and even with help he needed continous complex care around the clock. I cared for him, in our house. We're in Canada and because hospice couldnt get arranged in time cause he deteriorated so fast, the only other option was calling 911 and having him pass away in an overcrowded ER hallway or a hospital room shared with multiple patients. And i would not do that. 

Then when he suddenly passed, there were days of arrangements, equipment pick ups and deliveries and general chaos. I think each situation is so different. Maybe the person who made that comment had more time, or maybe they had no time....however, if there is no warning, at least you go into that being well rested... I spent those 17 days with only several hours of fitful sleep each day, if that. And so last week, when things quieted a bit, i took to bed. And i needed it. I was mentally, physically ahd emotionally exhausted. It had been an all out war zone. And despite that, i dragged myself out each day for at least an hour or two, cause i have to run our business, as dont have other income. And so ive been doing that each day, and it is hard, but cathartic too. But after a few hours of working at something which i only partially know, and struggling to deal with and now being the owner/ manager of a company that must sustain me and dealing with client calls and concerns and regustrations and scheduling and god knows what else,  i crawl back into bed and watch netflix for awhile. And i cry. 

And  no i dont think I'llmake my mom ill, shes staying with me now and although she makes meals, i make sure she rests a lot and gets lots of sleep, and she is not waiting on me handand foot, and things have been going well that way.

and the therapist today said the problem with a situation like mine is its rare, at least in cancer circles, cause most people with cancer have at least months. And she didnt know if they could help me, and she said i might look for counselling elsewhere. But im going to try again next week and also look for another counsellor too, to cover my back. She also said trauma grief is very different, and its normal to not be functional for a very longtime. 

And there was only one comment here that told me to get up and get going and that i was depressed, but please if youre not going to be supportive and you dont know my facts, please dont comment. I get it. If im doing this months from now, maybe i need a little prod, but right now, i know how im being is ok. Both the counsellor and my GP said so. 

[Froggie4635]

Kathryn,

Traumatic grief is real and doesn't get the acknowledgment it should sometimes.  From what I read from your own posts, you are doing good and exactly what you should be doing (or not doing) for the point you are at in your grief journey.  I am at almost 14 months since Mark died suddenly from a heart attack, and I KNOW I suffered trauma from it.  I have done my best to keep going in my life, and taking care of the things I need to, including myself (and three dogs).  But my mind still doesn't function like before; sorry for the terminology, but my focus SUCKS.  I can tell, in my mind and body, when I have reached the point where I need to take a break from work.  It is about three weeks, and I hit that mark today.  The last few days I found myself getting easily irritated and no patience and know without looking at the calendar it is time.  I manage to do my job well, but the outside distractions, too many requests for help from other employees tries me mentally.  I am no longer able to multi-task and jump from one task to another without missing a beat.  I have to learn to stop beating myself up because I no longer can be as I was.  You are doing the best you can at this point for yourself, and that is all ANYONE should expect.  I still will say to myself when I am crawling into bed at night that I made it through another day.  I hope to one day be able to feel more than that...but for now, I will be okay with that.  Just keep going as you are, and when it is hard, allow yourself to rest and catch your breath, Kathryn.  Everyone here COMPLETELY understands and will stand by you.

[kayc]

Kathryn,

I think you're doing as well as you can be under the circumstances, and I'm sorry you were hurt by someone's remark, I hope you can let it go, esp. since you are doing all you can do.  I couldn't watch t.v. the first year after George died, I even canceled cable, I just couldn't focus, I paced, I talked on the phone, I was frantic, anxious.  I couldn't read.  It was hard to do my job.  In the two weeks following his death I came in to do the payroll but other than that didn't go to work.  I planned his service, picked up his ashes, went to the social security office (I'm 60 miles away from the city so every time I went anywhere it was a day trip).  I made phone calls, put together a huge collage of his life, made pictures for people to take home from the funeral.  It was a busy time and in a way that was probably good.  I couldn't sleep much.  I found out a couple days before his death that he had heart problems but didn't know he'd die from it until the day of his death, although I suspected it was possible. 

It's got to be hard being sleep deprived to start with.  In looking back, I wish I'd gotten a sleep aid to help me in the early days, it made it all the harder to function at work.

[kayc]

On 1/21/2016 at 8:53 PM, kevin said:

Kathryn , you are going to make your mother sick.......9 days in bed isn't healthy for anybody. You either gotta get moving or see a doctor about this depression, because whatever your doing, needs a re-evaluation. What most of us did or still do, is wear a mask in public, go through the motions. And this goes on for months.........good luck and dig in...pulling for you,,,,,do it

I think Kevin must have misread something.  You're actually doing amazing for the timeline and circumstances.  I could not do as well as you!  You need all the rest you can get.

[hollowheart]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If only that were the case for us in our situations now.   If only we could 'wake up' and find this was a cruel joke.

I had a dream that I was telling my family this was a joke, but then I know I'd never make a joke like this.

[Margm]

I am trying to edit my long response.  I have not been able to do this. We all joined this forum because we are in pain.  I had Billy 54 years, and yes, I have seen remarks that some are jealous of longer marriages.  I do realize I was so lucky to have him that long.  I also know the pain is the same even if you have had a life long marriage, children, grandchildren and even three great grandchildren.  I promise you though, the pain is just as real no matter how many years, but I do understand people being envious of our life.  I cannot take offense,  I understand.  We all walk the same painful path.  We go at our own pace.  I am so hopeful when I see some breakthrough in any of you. I understand why the surviving spouse passes away the first year.  The will to live is low and so is our immunity against disease.  I wish peace for all of us.

[hollowheart]

12 hours ago, Kathryn1 said:

And there was only one comment here that told me to get up and get going and that i was depressed, but please if youre not going to be supportive and you dont know my facts, please dont comment. I get it. If im doing this months from now, maybe i need a little prod, but right now, i know how im being is ok. Both the counsellor and my GP said so. 

Even if you are doing it months from now, so what? OK, I get that if you aren't out of bed in 9 days people wonder if you will EVER be able to get out. It can be a little concerning, but yes, you won't stay there for years.  From reading this last post it really did sound like a war zone, and as his wife you were looked to to deal with everything and shoulder those responsibilities. Dealing with the business now takes concentration, professionalism, attention, energy. All things a grieving person doesn't have.

You should be proud of yourself, not wondering about how soon you get out of bed. I don't know if the comment was taken out of context, and it seemed like it did bother you, but I hope you can forget it. One of the horrible things about grief is how fast we are expected to "recover." When we aren't on someone else's timetable then they think we are crazy or need help. My own mother does that to me. She just doesn't get it sometimes. And the thing is, we actually ARE moving forward. We get up, go outside, go to jobs, go to obligations. That's a lot, even if some people may not think so.

[Mom's angel]

On 1/21/2016 at 9:48 AM, Kathryn1 said:

My mom told me tonight when i was crying "you cant keep going on like this" and i had to tell her what everyone here said, that its only been 9 days and even though shed feel better seeing me up and about, that it wouldnt be better for me. She said she was frustrated as didnt know how to help me, and i told her just bringing my meals to my bed and being there was helping me. I dont think she believed me. She wants to 'do something' to make me feel better. I hope she doesnt get impatient. And i told her right now, i just need to be this way. I ate twice, showered, and met an employee at our home for an hour or so this afternoon, a d i sent some business emails and watched about 20 netflix shows. And besides that i laid in bed all day. But i thought i was doing ok?

The day my mom died I tried to run away to go to someplace alone. I didn't know if I was going to come back or not but I didn't succeeded and from then on no one left me alone. I won't do something like that now. 

After that I stayed in my bed for straight 13days, I didn't even wanted to eat but everyone forced me to. I would have stayed for long in the bed but for some important work we had to go to another city, I went there in the same clothes I was wearing from the day my mom died.

All I was doing those days was sleeping and crying.

I'm saying this because I think it was okay and needed. The time was required. You also require some time to be able to function again but you're doing good, you also did you work and it would have required lot of strength to focus again but you tried and that was good.

 2 months and 2days have gone by after her death and I haven't watched TV yet.

[hollowheart]

On 1/21/2016 at 10:18 PM, Kathryn1 said:

My mom told me tonight when i was crying "you cant keep going on like this" and i had to tell her what everyone here said, that its only been 9 days and even though shed feel better seeing me up and about, that it wouldnt be better for me. She said she was frustrated as didnt know how to help me, and i told her just bringing my meals to my bed and being there was helping me. I dont think she believed me. She wants to 'do something' to make me feel better. I hope she doesnt get impatient. And i told her right now, i just need to be this way. I ate twice, showered, and met an employee at our home for an hour or so this afternoon, a d i sent some business emails and watched about 20 netflix shows. And besides that i laid in bed all day. But i thought i was doing ok?

You are doing OK. Your mom sounds like mine. She said the same thing to me about a week or so after my sister. She said "you have to stop all this" (crying) I was pretty hurt by that. I do realize that they don't want to see us hurting and heartbroken as that hurts them. I get that, but that's just how it is.  I took to bed and didn't shower for over a week. That felt like a monumental effort. I never felt that way before about those kinds of things (brushing teeth, showering) It all felt like so much work.

There's nothing no one can do and that's why it's such a heart wrenching mess. I will say that if I had had a lot of company and someone to just talk it out, talk to, and vent to for those first weeks that would have helped. But I didn't have that, and no one could offer that to me either. Everyone just disappeared. I'm glad you have your parents there. I'm glad you said her being there helped, even if she doesn't think so. I think if she does see that her presence is helpful she won't feel like she is not doing anything. Sometimes the presence is enough.

[Margm]

Mom's Angel.  I understand the need to run away.  The only problem with that is where ever I run, where ever I go, I am still there.  I am wanting to run from myself and the situation.  I am in hiding right now, but I will eventually have to face things.  I don't want to right now.  I know eventually I will have to.  If I could just disappear.  It is good right now I am with family.

[Mom's angel]

On 1/21/2016 at 9:48 AM, Kathryn1 said:

 

I understand Marg M, I'm doing the same thing but I'll also have to face it sometime. I'm glad you have your family with you, having a supportive and loving family helps a lot, my family is the reason I'm trying, they love me a lot.
The only thing that bothers me is the long life that lies before me, 
If I ever meet death soon, I would be so much pleased as it will reunite me with my lovely mom.

[Mom's angel]

I couldn't remove the quote, that was by mistake*

[Guest]

If I'm honest I would have been very envious of anyone who could simply sleep and cry and stay in bed.  For me bed became a tool of torture where sleep could not be found and if it came so did the horrendous dreams of those last days, weeks, months.  No for me bed was to be avoided and then forced upon only out of necessity.  Nighttime and bed were when the loneliness and emptiness were the most profound and paralyzing.  So Kathryn I say to you take this time to do only what feels good to you.  This is time to be selfish.  This is time to wrap yourself up in your grief and wallow in you loss.  When the time is right for you to change, you will.  But know that for the rest of your life things will be different and only you can deal with those changes.  Mom means well; friends mean well; none of them understand what you are feeling nor do they know what you need, only you have those answers.

[Margm]

Mom's Angel, I know some will say I should be happy to have had my mom so long, but my mom always had a mental problem.  Now at nearly 95, she has had Alzheimer's for so long, honestly do not know when it started.  We were told yesterday she is declining.  Had husband a long time (never too long) and mom even longer.  Too soon right now.  I know people will say that I am lucky.  Lucky to me would be if I had gone first.  But why would I wish that for my loved ones?  I am so selfish.

[Guest Janka]

1 minute ago, Marg M said:

Mom's Angel, I know some will say I should be happy to have had my mom so long, but my mom always had a mental problem.  Now at nearly 95, she has had Alzheimer's for so long, honestly do not know when it started.  We were told yesterday she is declining.  Had husband a long time (never too long) and mom even longer.  Too soon right now.  I know people will say that I am lucky.  Lucky to me would be if I had gone first.  But why would I wish that for my loved ones?  I am so selfish.

My dear Margaret,

you´re not selfish at all.You´re a wonderful person who always cares for others.

Love you!

   Janka

[Mom's angel]

Marg M, If my mom died in her 90s there won't be any difference in my grieving cause no matter how much more time you spend with your beloved persons it does not in any way lessens the grief of their death.
I mean to say is that the pain is the same even if you have lots of years with them or you have few years with them.

I always prayed to god to let me die before my parents, I still sometime wish that instead of mom I should have died but just like you I also think that it would be so selfish of me to think about putting them in such horrible pain.

But you're not selfish. You're a good person.

 

[Margm]

Love your beautiful spirit Janka.  @Brad, still cannot stay in bed.  No sleep night before last.  Last night had medicinal help.  Slept four hours and tried to go to sleep.  Nope, thoughts kept beating me up.  Came into the den.  Kelli, my daughter, tried to get me to take a Dramamine.  Finally, I did.  Came back to couch and got sleepier.  Went back to bedroom and slept four more hours.  No thinking.  I wish I could stay in bed eight solid hours without those awake nightmares.  Maybe one of these days I will get eight hours straight.  I know I did at least once.  Cannot even cry myself to sleep.  Staying in bed helps some people.  I guess it is like my wanting to hide in a cocoon apartment.  We all react differently, but we all try to treat our pain the best way we can.  I wish peace for all of us.

[hollowheart]

Oh god that wolf picture. I can't stand it. Oh, that hurt to look.

[Guest Janka]

Dear Kevin!

I was reading your interesting comments and they have brought me to the conclusion that everyone of us here has a need to make it on its own way and you´re the person who is uplifting me right now.You have such similar views and opinions as I have now.I had no support groups,no pills for sleep,no therapist,no close family to go through this for all those long years.I had to be very strong by all means.That´s why I am what I am now and do it all for my beloved Jan for the rest of my days.When he died,I had to go on working the next day,and another day too,and anothers as well,always.I couldn´t have stayed in bed or been alone,I had to carry on to do not break down,to find a needed power and get up each time again and again because of my beloved Jan.You remind me some of my views now and I´m thankful having you in this forum too!

PS:It´s our own way,and one way or another,we must step out to carry on until we meet our loved ones again.

Hugs from Janka

[Gwenivere]

41 minutes ago, hollowheart said:

Oh god that wolf picture. I can't stand it. Oh, that hurt to look.

Me too.  I was not expecting that.  Gave me a trigger to cry today.