Husband just passed suddenly

[Kathryn1]

This is all new to me. Im only 44, my husband was just 50. We had only been married 5 years and ran his business together. He had stomach pains for a few weeks in december. We thought it was a hernia because hed been lifting some heavy boxes. But it got worse. After bloodwork, we were sent urgently to ER on dec. 24. We were there all day. They and we were hoping it was a gallbladder attack. At the stroke of midnight on christmas, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver and lungs. We returned home And not much happened for a bit as it was between xmas and new years and everything was closed and short staffed.

He was on a lot of morphine. He deteriorated fast. So fast. Everyone was scrambling to keep up, all the drs, nurses, and me. He passed away at home on monday at 3 am. I am in shock. We had no children, so he was my whole family. Family and friends have helped, but its unbelievable. Last days were spent not talking of romantic things, but scrambling to get wills, paperwork and banking passwords and business plans set up. He suffered at the end and im struggling with that. Im an RN and was trying to nurse him too as he deteriorated so fast, home care couldnt keep up.

Now, he is gone. We had no mortgage insurance and the plan was for me to oversee the business, but he did say to sell it if i wanted to. I am terrified. Utterly terrified. Not only am i a young widow, i have a mortgage and a business to run that now im not even sure will be sustainable cause we had to hire out to fill what his role was. Im not even sure I'll break even. It is devastating and terrifying and i am in it all alone. Friends, family and clientele are reeling as by the time they knew he was ill, he passed in a few days. We had only 2 weeks together after his diagnosis. It was a war zone, and i was in the middle with him. It was so fast, we never even made it to the cancer centre. And he was never seen by an oncologist. I have laid in bed since yesterday. Family is here feeding me. How can i cope with living the next 40 plus years without him. We did everything together , we were total introverts and happily spent all day each day, including work together. Has anyone else survived something like this. It seems impossible and the despair i feel is indescribable. I am completely traumatized. I have an appmt for counselling at the cancer centre on tuesday but i cant see it helping this horror.

[Guest Janka]

Oh my dear Kathryn!

I do understand.I´m even younger than you and my beloved man Jan died so suddenly from morning till night.He was even healthy and could be alive now.It were the doctors who killed him and they took away from me the reason for living,the love of my life and my everything.We also had been 5 years together,but those 5 years did mean to me much more than 50 years to someone else.I also have no close family,just the best friends of mine helping me as much as possible.

I´m very sorry what you´re going through!We all are here for you to be such comfort,support and family you need now.Please,take care and write us whenever you need to.You´re not alone at all!

With love Janka

[Dew's Girl]

Kathryn, I am so sorry for you loss. I know that you must be feeling like you were hit by a shockwave right now.  I remember feeling like I was living in a separate world from everyone else around me those first few months.  I couldn't understand how the sun kept rising and people kept going about their day as if the world hadn't just ended.  

 I am also 44.  I lost my husband very suddenly on Jan. 13, 2015 so I understand what you are going through.  Your story sounds so similar to my own.  

I am glad you found your way here.  This is a safe place where you can get things out of your head with the confidence that others will "get it." The people here have been indispensable to me in getting through my first year.  I hope you find the same.

[Guest Janka]

I´m sorry for the losses of you both and hold you both so close to my heart.

With love Janka

[kevin]

I cannot to pretend to understand what you are going through.....The sudden loss of your Spouse I do understand ,as do all of us on this sight. And my most sincere condolences, 50 is far too young to pass on for whatever cause......This whole Financial thing  should get addressed with the help from a trusted Friend ......In the mean time, look after your health and nutrition, and find time to sleep. Good luck

[Gwenivere]

I am so sorry for your sudden loss.  Many of us had time to prepare, but no one ever can fathom a loss this deep. I'm also sorry you are here only because of the circumstances.  I think you will find many caring souls to help and listen.  Fear and shock are something we have all felt.  Counseling is good if you feel ready.  If not, it will always be there.  This is a trauma you take at your own pace.  Again, welcome to a safe place and deepest heartfelt empathy.

[Guest]

Kathryn -

It always breaks my heart when someone with a story like yours finds their way here.  This is a good safe place where you can learn, vent, rage and find comfort and companionship.  Right now you are probably pretty numb and overwhelmed with the events of the past couple of weeks.  To go through what you've been through is devastating.  As time goes on you will want to find a good qualified grief counselor.  Support groups can also be helpful.  Check out your area to see if you have Hospice of the Valley, they are wonderful.  If not look for other Hospice groups and see if they can help.  For right now give yourself lots of time to cry, to miss your husband, and to slowly assess things.  Decisions do not need to be made today.  

[kayc]

Kathryn,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband turned 51 five days before he died and it was unexpected...heart attack, so we didn't get to have that "last talk".  He was employed by someone else so I didn't have to run a business, but my job ended within months of his death, and in those days you just got six months to find another one.  It was the start of the recession and finding a new job proved more difficult than I'd anticipated.

Right now it feels overwhelming to you.  You will get through it.  We somehow do.  We'll be here to go through it with you if you want us to.  It helps just to come here and get it out, so important to express what you're feeling and going through and know that you're heard and someone understands, also knowing you're not the only one having gone through it.

Try not to look at the rest of your life, try to stay in today, it's more than enough.  Take a deep breath!  And another.  It helps to go for walks, eat healthy, etc. because it'll give you the best chance you can have at clarity of mind, and in these early days we need all the help with that we can get!

Did your husband have a colleague you could turn to for advice?  A father?  In Eugene they have a group of retired businessmen, SCORE, and they help people make business plans and decisions.  They collectively have years and years experience and use that to help people newer to it or thinking of going into business.  That's where you are, you have decisions to make and it would help to have someone with experience to take an objective look at it and give you advice.  Maybe you could contact someone from the city or chamber to see if there's such a thing in your area.  I googled it and there is an organization listed, but it'd help to call and talk to your local one.

I hope you'll continue to come here.  And yes, it'd help to talk to a professional about your grief, particularly a grief counselor.  

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Kathryn1]

Thankyou everyone. i can already see friends not being comfortable with the initmacy of grief. One close friends keeps saying she doesnt know what to say. Who does? But i can tell she is uncomfortable. I feel like friends dip their toes in to my grief nightmare, but then retreat to their own safety and relationships. And that makes me jealous that they can escape, and escape to their spouses. So jealous.

my husband let 2 trusted employees know when he was diagnosed and one has stepped into help with the business. He is doing ok, and helping out for free. He has already expressed interest in buying the business, so although he is helpful, i know he is thinking of his future as well. Its really tough. I now have to oversee scheduling and managing about 10 people, and all the admin stuff. And i cant afford to hire more than an accountant. And i dont want to cave and sell, cause its early days and i could really undervalue and regret things. I will take the advice of going day by day. Ill hire an accountant soon, who will be pricey, but should give me some numbers.

was there a period to lay in bed? It will be one week tomorrow and all i want is to be in bed. Not even sleeping, but quiet resting. The thought of carrying forward what 2 people did, with just one, seems utterly overwhelming. We have a ton of phone and computer specialized stff as he was a techie, and i can barely figure out the tv turning on. I realise how much i relied on him to easily fix those tech things. Im terrified of the day my computer wont link or work. I dont even know the wifi password. There was almost no time and things were missed. Running the household seems overwhelming. I did most of the day to day stuff, but he did costco and groceries happily, and i never valued it, and now it seems like so much more.

and people, well , some have been awful. Horrible. His father is elderly and a controlling person. My husband had asked his father in his last weeks to ensure i received his inheritance and would be looked after. My husband was terrified of this, that he had let me down, cause we had mo life or mortgage insurance. And we had never asked anyone for money either. But months ago, his father had offered to pay his children out on their inheritance. At that time, we suggested his father keep it, until he was ready, as it made us uncomfortable. But then my husband asked when he dying, and his father promised. I did not ask for anything.

Now my father in law has gone awful. He has been to a lawyer and already approached me at an inappropriate time. He said he wants to buy me out of our house, put a lien on the house and then have me pay it back into the estate. Then when he passes, all the loaned money would have to be paid back into his estate. Essentially, it would save me a very small amount of interest, but i would lose the house and title as could never buy it back. Dont worry, id never sign anything like that. Im much smarter than he thinks. I will never give title away. But it breaks my heart because my husband would be furious. And it doesnt even help me. It would hurt me. And at a time like this, i feel vultures circling. And people who loved him, arent thinking of him, just of themselves. Its been horrific. Now im avoiding him and have asked his other 2 kids to be the mediaries. Why are people so awful.

 

[Guest]

Kathryn - 

Regarding the friend who doesn't know what to say, tell her that all you need is someone who is willing to listen and is okay in letting you cry.  You need someone who can be there for you regardless of the shape you are in.

Re: business.  I've heard over and over not to make any major decisions, financial or otherwise, for the first year at least.  Many recommend longer than that.

 

[MartyT]

Kathryn, my dear, at this very early point I simply want to add my voice to the others here who have welcomed you with open arms and caring hearts. I hope it helps you to feel less alone, as this is a place where you are safe to say whatever you need to say, and to feel whatever you need to feel. Like everyone else, I am so very sorry for the reasons that brought you to us, but very grateful that you have found your way here. 

[Margm]

There is no "good time."  I had Billy 54 years. but I was not ready to give him up.  As mentioned, he had two follow-ups each year since his 40's because of kidney stents.  Someone dropped the ball, and it only took him five weeks to leave me.  My cousin lost her father at the same time I lost mine.  Only we watched my father go through four years of pain.  He was afraid he would get addicted to pain pills.  Her father had a heart attack.  She said at least we got to say goodbye to him.  As you know, you are never ready to let them go.  Being older, in my case, has left me with a bunch of women friends, even those who graduated with me, former coworkers, young and old, who offer me empathy, friendship, and at anytime want my company.  I am just not ready yet.  I am so sorry for your loss.  No one feels it anymore or the same as you do.  I see why spouses pass away the first year.  But, I won't help it along.  In my case, as in many others, the pain is so bad we can only hope it is as our friends say, it will get easier.  At three months today, I sure hope they know what they are talking about.

[kevin]

Death and In Laws, I know the majority of our InLaws have  appeared to be supportive when our Spouses were part of the living. But things change quickly, before the ashes were back from the crematorium, there's was a letter from "a Lawyer" , representing an inlaw, over the Estate of my Late Wife. Like the rest of us, not to familiar with these matters, but I do know Lawyers......I hired myself a good Lawyer and the noise quieted down.......Kathryn, you sound well grounded, don't sign nothing Daddy dearest proposes for at least 6 months......my timetable is no big moves on anything for a year. Now, your business is different, if your burning cash, move appropriately.......again good luck and get healthy

[R.Everit55]

Kathryn I'm so very sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. Right now you are in shock and numb. I wouldn't make any major decisions personally or work related. 

Bless you

Butch

[KATPILOT]

Kathryn I too welcome you here though I am so sorry for why you have come. This place will give you needed compassion as you begin your grief's journey. I want to share with you how I made it through dealing with financial matters similar to yours. My wife and I spent every day together neither needing nor caring for many friends. I did the work, and she did the accounting for our business. We had four months from knowing there was something wrong till the cancer took her life.  I had no clue how to run that part of the business and because I checked out of work for the duration to be with her every waking moment, I ended up in a financial bind feeling extremely insecure. She was only fifty one so we had no idea we might find ourselves there. What did happen was this: I just went back to work and even used it as a distraction.  I just kept doing my job day after day and found that I could do more of her job as well. I never thought I could have done it but time was on my side. By my second year, I was making money again and slowly paid off the medical bills. Now after five years, I am secure once more. I never thought it was possible but it was. My wife was 51 when she died and I was eleven years older. Now I am 68 and most likely will keep on working for years to come. I will do that because it gives me something to do and allows me to travel and enjoy my life in her honor. But most importantly, I am still standing.

I hope you can find the strength  to keep on because as it was for me, you will sense his backing you up every step you take. Like me, and so many others here, issues with relatives and bills and all that other stuff, will one day seem less significant and you will find yourself beyond them even if it seems so overwhelming right now.  If there was one thing my wife taught me in those wonderful years we had, it was that the sun still comes up in the morning and you'll get through this just as you always have before. That is what she always would say to me when I would be worried about work or money.  You know something? Every day since she left, the sun has sill come up  even though there were days when I didn't think it would.

[kayc]

Kathryn,

I'm glad you have someone helping you with the business, even if he has ulterior motives.  I'm so sorry for how your FIL is acting, you're right, your husband would undoubtedly be furious.  I don't get how families can be like that in situations like this.  Hold your ground and see a financial adviser if necessary before doing anything.

[iPraiseHim]

Kathryn1 , Welcome to this group.  Thank you for sharing with us your story.  It is such a sudden shock when your spouse passes away so quickly.  I understand, although my wife was ill, I had no clue or warning when I found out my wife had passed away while I was at work.  Please know that many people here read your post; think; and pray for you.  Get good sleep, take care of yourself, sleep, eat, drink plenty of water and come here often to share. We all feel like we are a little crazy as grief is the transition process given to us to help through these challenging times.  This is a great group of caring, loving, and accepting people here.  It helps to get the thoughts out of your head and written.  There is a release in sharing.  Shalom

[debi.williams]

Dear Kathryn, I am so so sorry for your loss. Such words are wholly inadequate aren't they? One of my son's school friends lost his father to the same within 48 hours. I know this kind of evil cancer can be horrifically quick.

I lost my husband in August 2015 to a sudden brain bleed, here chatting one minute in a coma the next. He was 49 and I was 53 (I turned 54 in January this year). No goodbyes, no planning nothing. I will never know if he even heard my 'I love you's' as we had to turn off life support 24 hours later. I too have my own business Kathryn and we have a 16 year old son who was 15 at the time his daddy died. I understand to the moon and back your fear. I am the only breadwinner now and it IS scary but it is also doable. Believe me on this. 

Firstly though, forgive your friends. They will have their own grief in time, because every single human I have ever known has had to deal with this (or if they are very young, will have to) at some point. They don't know what to say because quite frankly, there is nothing anyone CAN say aside from 'I'm here'. Although no one in the history of mankind has ever escaped death I still marvel at our inability to deal with it. We will know how to Kathryn though, when the same thing happens to one of our friends because we are sadly now members of a club we never wanted to join, but in the future we will be able to help others on this road.

I absolutely don't think you should 'cave and sell' not yet awhile. You are grief stricken and it is so recent and so raw. One of the many aspects of grief is the fog in our brain, so for all the right reasons you shouldn't sell now. That though, we can all talk about at a later date.

You are in bed because you are in shock. Your body is doing it's best to protect you and you need to respect that. You are heartbroken and terrified but your body is determined you will continue so it is doing its best to recharge your batteries. 1 week is nothing. I sat in a chair for about 3 weeks. 

Kathryn you are panicking about passwords etc that can be sorted. Like you, I am not a techie but I can use PC's but I am self taught. My panic has always been about leaks, stuff at home not working, repairs etc as he did all that. My husband was immensely practical with his hands. Already I have had to deal with a leak from our bathroom into the neighbour's house and a boiler breaking down, but you know what? It's child's play compared to dealing with grief. Grief is strictly for the grown ups and you are dealing with it in your own way my love. You are already doing brilliantly to be thinking about this stuff. I know you don't believe me but I have said it anyway.

Totally get what you say about the shopping. My husband was happy to shop. I don't even drive, so our son and I pull an 'old lady' shopping trolley through the street of Brussels every Saturday to get groceries. I have fond memories by the way of Costco in the UK (which is where I am from) my husband and I used to shop there until we moved to Belgium. He loved Costco. he sued to say 'It makes me feel I am in America' (He was Iranian - actually still is....)

Ah! Family! Yes they CAN be awful. You are a smart lady. You know you won't agree to your husband's father's ridiculously conniving (as I see it) plan. Nor should you. Yes your husband would be furious (he IS I am sure), and shame on his father. Shame, shame, shame. I could write a book about my husband's family but I can think of a title that would be suitable for public consumption. 

We have no agenda here Kathryn but to support you. Come here for advice first there are a lot of heads here far wiser than mine who have been through every conceivable nightmare. 

I have a feeling Kathryn the business will - in time- thrive with you at the helm. For now though, you need to grieve and you must allow yourself to. You are not alone in this and you will never be, please remember that. I don't know the 'ins and outs' of running a business in the US but I have run one in London, UK and now in Brussels, Belgium. I have hired and fired and panicked and stressed so I know it can be done and wouldn't it be wonderful to keep it going for the 2 of you? You and your beloved husband. What a testimony, but only if you feel, in times to come that it is what you want.

When the going gets rough Kathryn - as it will alas, but not forever - just remember how much you loved each other. How much you STILL love each other. When his family try and wear you down, just remember that you had the diamond of their blood line. They are more to be pitied than blamed. I am sending you all my love and a huge amount of courage. You already have both from your husband but a little extra cannot hurt. Big hugs lovely lady xxxxxx

 

[Margm]

Debi said it all, and she voiced all our hopes for you in this void in space and time.  Most are younger than I am and have better insight into your problems.  I can share your grief though.  I wish none of us had to come to this forum, but it helps not to feel we are the only ones seeking the lifeboat.  

[Kathryn1]

Thankyou everyone. KATPILOT, your words helped especially because you seemed so similar. Yesterday i worked on business stuff for 3 hours straight. It was strange. Some sense of normalcy, but also great pain, cause i had to change all the email auto signatures to remove my husband's name. Ive been reading a lot of grief blogs and stuff online and many people say it gets worse before it gets better. Like the second year is hardest than the first cause everyone thinks you are back to normal and suport drops way off. Is this true? Ive made it through 1 week and i cant imagine more. Last night was horrible. 3 am marked his passing 1 week ago, it feels like forever and 5 minutes, all at once. I kept waking up and had fitful weird dreams. They gave me a sleeping pill, and as much as i hate to need it, i do truly need it, otherwise wouldnt sleep at all. Im worried ill be on it for life, or the dr will cut me off and tell me to get back to normal.

i have a question. Several people have already told me that as incomprehnesible as it is, i could meet someone else in the future. Is it normal for people to say that? It is hurtful to say the least. And have any of you just known, that your loved one was just that, your one true love and have no desire ever to be with anyone else? I get the physical lonely part. That in itself is awful. But it took me 40 years to meet this great man, and we were great together. What do you say to make them realise this? That they dont get it? That you dont want to move away from what you had and be with someone else. Does anyone else feel this way, even years later?

also, everything ive read says to grieve on your own time, at your own pace. I laid in bed all weekend, from friday night to sunday pm, and my family checked in and brought meals. It was escape, and comfort and quiet. And although i didnt sleep well, it was resting for the first time in 3 weeks. Pauls illness hit so strong and hard, there was almost no sleep for weeks. But now, people want me out of bed, they want to make themsleves feel better by seeing me up. But im exhausted, utterly exhuasted and i want to lie here and wallow. I need it. 

Funeral plans. What is wrong with people. Paul had been cremated. We were simple people who didnt like big get togethers or crowds, or fusses. We eloped for our wedding. Paul told me to do whatever was easist and whatever i wanted with that part. So much pressure from the extended family. He hadnt passed 12 hours before father on law started calling about when the funeral was. And he was pushing his gravesite and all that crap. I fended him off through the other siblings, and told everyone to lay off.

A good friend told me its like a wedding, my terms, but also that others want to say goodbye too. So we're planning a drop in tea and desserts and people are looking into renting a hall somewhere. But theyre also pressuring me with dates. As in, we should get a few dates etc. I say who cares! What if i want to wait until summer? Now, i am doing it just to get it over with. A friend helping told me that all i had to do was ask for help with this or that in terms of arrangements. What she doesnt get is, i dont even know what has to be done, have the energy to do it and i dont even feel like i care now. It feels like everyone wants something from me. And i just want to lay in bed, and be sad and grieve. I dont care about a celebration tea, i dont want to go. I get why it exists, but it wouldnt have been important to paul. And also, another reason is, im scared of it, it marks the end, the final part. And already folks are moving on with their lives, and after a formal goodbye, ill be stuck in grief land foreever, and theyll eturn to their normal lives. And for that im so jealous. So utterly jealous. People promised paul theyd be there for me, and this weekend was a cruel, hard shock. People who were checking in got busy with their lives, with hockey, with travel, and very few checked in with me. Even ones that said whatever i needed theyd be there. I know i need a lot now, but i cant help it.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Kathryn1 said:

Several people have already told me that as incomprehnesible as it is, i could meet someone else in the future. Is it normal for people to say that? 

 Paul told me to do whatever was easist and whatever i wanted with that part.  What if i want to wait until summer? Now, i am doing it just to get it over with.

 People promised paul theyd be there for me, and this weekend was a cruel, hard shock. People who were checking in got busy with their lives, with hockey, with travel, and very few checked in with me. Even ones that said whatever i needed theyd be there. I know i need a lot now, but i cant help it.

Of course you can't help it.  This is an intense time of shock for you.  Debi wrote such a profound reply about the need to take care of you first.

No, it is not normal for people to be talking to you about finding someone else.  I found it very rude and appalling when I first heard that at about 8 months.  It jolted me to see I had to tell people to stop trying to fix and rush me thru my grief.   You will find that strength in time.  We are so fragile at first.

 

I was expected to do a memorial also.  I took some time and remembered what Steve asked for.  His closest buddies over for music, drink and pizza and that is what I provided.  I didn't even stay for the music because his voice would be missing.  This was for his friends.  I have no regrets.  To all the other people that asked, I just said he didn't want that, but feel free to gather on your own if you so wish.

I'm sorry your support is dropping away so quickly.  I had people calling for a time and one by one they became scarcer.  I know it hurts, but his is the norm as they do still have lives and cannot comprehend this.  No one can til it happens to them.  I had time to prepare, or so I thought, but the reality is impossible to prepare for.  You didn't even get a chance to think about it.  

All I can say is if you can find a way to shield yourself from those pressuring you and give yourself permission to do things when you can handle them, you will not escape the pain but some of the added pain when you need to cocoon and be exactly where you are.  The world will still be there.  There are no short cuts and being forced into anything is only going to make the stress worse.  You come first now.

[KATPILOT]

It may not be normal to have people suggest you will meet someone new, but it certainly is common. Two months into my journey, I had a friend of my wife suggest that even though she knew it was a bit soon, she had someone I needed to meet who had lost her husband two years prior. She was my wife's friend for God's sake! A year later she brought it up again and even told me that the lady I needed to meet was just like my wife! What do you say to that? I keep my temper under control I guess but we no longer speak.  I did find people inviting me to parties that turned out to have a hidden agenda but the point is, it happens. Often people want you to be happy again without accepting the fact that you very possibly may never be (that happy). At least to their expectations. Some of us never marry again and some of us do. We are all individuals and it truly becomes our responsibility to allow those who do move on to have the right to do so every bit as it is our right not to.  I had another friend ask if I had started dating again. When I explained to her "No, I was a done deal long ago", she said "You will. Men are so needy". I was a little disturbed by her remark yet later I thought about it and I remember my dad marrying again when he lost my mom to cancer at the same age as I was. I thought about it and I remember thinking how he needed to not be alone. He didn't keep house or cook, or shop, and in fact, he was old school like he was Ozzie losing Harriet.  Point is I had no choice but to accept it yet I am not him. So for me as many others, I will remain married for all of time. It just is what it is. There is no room at the inn.  Know what I mean?

My bride wanted no funeral or even an obituary yet I was pressured to bring her ashes up to Canada for a service her father wanted to have. He wanted it as soon as possible yet I couldn't even fly her up there without a death certificate and that took five days. I wanted to please him because I knew her parents were suffering too. You try to keep people happy but the truth is as Debi says, you need to take care of yourself first.  Eventually, as time goes by, the calls and visits seem to grow fewer and fewer because people move on and some can't deal with your sorrow and as Gwenivere says, give yourself the time you need to take care of yourself first. I had a flight instructor many years ago say and pardon me but I am quoting him exactly......"Even if everything goes to s***, fly the airplane first".  Del Diess, 1967.

[kayc]

Unfortunately, so much of what you're experiencing IS normal, if you can call it that.  People say the most stupid things, I guess we have to just realize they really don't have a clue how it feels or how what they're saying comes off.  PLEASE do what YOU see fit with regards to a service.  When my husband died we did not have $ so I had him cremated and had a memorial service at our church.  My pastor went on vacation and was no help to me but the secretary was a tremendous help with ideas and helping me to think of things I wouldn't have otherwise.  I spent 17 hours straight working on a collage of pictures of George to display at the service, it was therapeutic.  I also printed out pictures of us for people to take one.  My daughter and sister made most of the phone calls to people.  

If you want to have him cremated and have a service this summer, that's fine too.  Do what YOU feel is right.  Tell his family you're still in shock and can't deal with it just yet and please be patient!  

I don't think anything is as hard as the early days, it's shocking and such a huge hit.  Getting used to trying to sleep without them, eat without them, not have them to talk to, missing them, it's tremendous.  Some do think the second year is harder than the first for the reasons you stated.  I can't say as I had much support after the first couple of weeks, but my sisters and kids have been really good about being understanding and still remembering and honoring him.  I appreciate that a lot.  I did have one sister that tried to take over (me) and tell me what to do all the time, even though we're very different (she's a city girl, I'm a country girl, etc.).  After MONTHS of her pushiness when I'd try to get her to back off, I finally told her, "Polly, tell you what.  When YOU lose YOUR husband, I'll tell YOU what to do!"  That shut her up for a while.  I really didn't want to make her mad, just get her attention, get her to stop pushing and it's like trying to stop a storm!  But it worked.  She quit telling me to sell my house and move to Portland.  Some people just don't listen to "nice", you have to get their attention or speak THEIR language.

But most of the stupid stuff people would say I'd stand up for myself and then let it go, I didn't hold it against them, just took it with a grain of salt.  I hate the cliches when people say things like "he's in a better place" (what was better than being with ME?).  

You are doing well to just be here and keep breathing.  It's going to take every ounce of everything within you to survive this, but I promise you, you will.  We'll be here to listen to you and you're welcome to vent whenever you need to.

My George, it took me my whole life to find him, he was my soulmate, we were only married 3 years 8 months, only knew each other 6 1/2 years, but we went together so perfectly...people that have marriages like I had with my kids' dad (23 years, cold, distant), they can't begin to "get it".  Just know what is right for YOU and stick to your guns.  You have permission from us!

Laying in bed for a couple of days probably did you a world of good after all you've been through.

[Kathryn1]

Debi and KATPILOT, and to everyone else too, this helps, it really really does. Debi, youre the only one who said to stay in bed or wherever and that you sat for weeks in a chair. I have to fight for what i want now, and had to tell my mom that laying in bed is what i need. Of course, its not what people want to see, they get scared you'll never get up again. I just want someone close to me to tell me to lay there as long as i need. I had to hear about when my dr told me to get some exercise each day and eat right , etcetc, back from my mom. I told her, yes i get that, and its important, but this situation is different. Im in shock and what i need more than exercise, is a quiet place to rest. I feel like ive just crawed out of a war zone, after being shelled from all angles.

and i love the quote about flying the airplane first, cause its so true. And even just now i had to fend off a call about 'when is the memorial, but no pressure! '. Why do people need to rush through things, is it for them or for you. And it makes me feel even more isolated, that the one person who'd truly advocate for me and back me up no matter what, isnt here to do so. And the reality is, i dont want a memorial yet, cause it makes it real. And final. And 3 weeks ago we were at the dog park, walking, and planning our shopping lists and what we were going to do that day, and life was normal. And it was good. So very good.

And KATPILOT, i like how you refer to yourself as being married for all time. And i can see people in the future just wishing i was happy, so wanting me to move on. But they wont get it, and they dont get it now. Honestly, i think the thought of me moving on, makes them feel better, and that itd be easier for them too. And ive had 2 people mention this to me already, the whole 'as inconceivable as this sounds, you may meet someone" and ' you had a life before without him, you'll have a life again'....they dont get how hurtful it is.

and thankyou Debi for saying the house stuff pales in comparison to the grief. I am terrified of the grief even though i am in it. Im worried i will be sad forever, and even though there will be happy moments, i know itll never be the same, as my happiest moments were with Paul, and i cant imagine a happier, more contented life. And when people say i was happily single before I met him, and will be again, they dont realise that before id never known such happiness. And now, i cant imagine anyone being as good a person or as good a match for me. It took ,me half a lifetime to meet him, and we only had 5 years, but i know he was the one. I am devastated.

[Kathryn1]

Thankyou KayC, i think ill take your example of saying 'when you lose you're husband, ill tell you to do this or that' as i can tell theres going to be those who wont listen cause they know best. Im going to need to be blunt with some, and strangely its the married women being the worst, more than anyone else.

My own mother is really struggling, shes not good with emotional support, never has been. We had a huge blowout a few days ago and i let her know it wasnt about her all the time (like its been in the past). It was huge, and hollywood-worthy. Did she get it? Maybe a bit, i know she wont really change, but i can see shes at least trying now.

But its still a battle to get people to understand, and i wish it wasnt, just to listen to what i need, i tried telling my mom today that what i needed was quiet time in bed, and she kept saying 'i dont know what you need', 'the dr said to get exercise'. Its a control thing with her, but i can tell shes terrified im in bed do much, normalcy is getting up to eat supper at the table for her. Finally i told her other people on here have been saying its normal, to do what im doing, and perhaps that helped a bit. Not sure yet.

If only people would listen. And let me be me. And stop calling to check in and say 'oh by the way, heres the latest research on hall rentals', and then hesitating when i say im not ready cause they need to know to make plans. My husband would say this is all so stupid, and it is. And so unnecessary. And it makes me miss him even more. I used to have bad anxiety, i guess i still do, but have worked through it for many years at counselling. And now, im ok. But the grief is something else entirely. I know its healthiest to experience the feelings of grief, and let them be, but did any of you ever feel like i do....theres been some people where ive thought , just you wait, id like to see how you get through yours when it happens and you lose someone. And i know that is angry, and mean and utterly bad to be thinking such thoughts. But i have for some people, cause im so hurt by them.