Husband just passed suddenly

[kayc]

I hope when people tell you you'll find someone new, etc., that you reply back to them, "That is really inappropriate to say to me now."  You're right, they don't get it.  They want to "make it all better" when they can't!

All of this dealing with your mom and other people when they don't respond appropriately to you, is very exhausting, isn't it.  All the more reason to protect yourself right now and if you need to pull the covers over your head, do it!  If you stay there too long, we'll let you know.   There is a time to make effort to get out, etc., but right now is your time to handle this any way you feel you need to and others need to respond by trying to understand.

It's okay to feel what you';re feeling to people right now too, it's to be expected under the circumstances.  You won't feel like that forever, but right now you feel angry and hurt, how could you not?  The one person that made your world all better isn't here to do that for you just when you need him the very most.  And we know how that feels, it's tough.

 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Kathryn1 said:

theres been some people where ive thought , just you wait, id like to see how you get through yours when it happens and you lose someone. And i know that is angry, and mean and utterly bad to be thinking such thoughts. But i have for some people, cause im so hurt by them.

Once I got so mad at someone, I said 'you spend 37 years with someone, love them with all your being, lose them, spend a year never getting to touch, talk to or see them and then get back to me how it feels'.  I didn't say it in anger, just calmly in tears.  Of course, they cannot comprehend that, but I made my point.  

You will find a voice in you as time passes when you realize the grief is solely yours to process/experience and that wherever you are at any point is where you need to be and don't owe anyone an explanation why.  You will learn to sort the helpful from ones with agendas of power issues.  It doesn't stop the pain, but you will be able to toss callous, unthinking things aside and keep walking.  Our energy is much better spent on taking care of ourselves than wasting on those that cannot understand.  I learned that honesty was the best policy as it sorted the truly caring from the meddlers.  The fixers.  The ones that wanted some kind of credit that was more important to them than me.  

It's a complicated journey, Kathryn.   Stay focused on you.  You lost the love of your life.  Nothing trumps that.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Kathryn,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband, Mark to a heart attack at the age of 53 just over a year ago.  The trauma of sudden loss puts you in the deepest of fogs...your body and mind's way of protecting you from feeling all the hurt at once.  I was one of those widows, and still find myself somewhat under its protection at times.  Mark has a big family, and when it came time to plan his service, I left the major decisions up to his mom.  I knew she wanted him to have a mass, and I was not familiar enough with it to make those choices.  She left certain choices for me, but then questioned them when I made them...so I just left it go.  Nothing they did or said at any service was important to me personally.  The man I loved with all my heart was gone.  He wouldn't have wanted a big deal made.  We were like you and your husband; kept to ourselves most times.  He loved his family, and I knew that they needed a chance to say goodbye to their brother and son.  They have been so very supportive of me without being intrusive.  You are going to feel very topsy-turvy for quite a while, and like everyone has already said, that is completely normal.  You need to feel what you feel, and when you feel it.  Sometimes people are just insensitive, but sometimes they really don't know how to help, but want to so desperately because they care and want to ease your hurt.  The first thing they need to know is that they CAN'T ease your hurt.  You will NEED to grieve, in your own way for as long as is necessary.  And that will mean being angry and scared and emotional and confused and probably many more words that I am leaving out.  I remember that Mark's service was two weeks after he died.  We had to wait for the autopsy to be done, because Mark was an organ donor; then we had to wait until the cremation was done; and then because it was around Christmas time, finding a time at the church to schedule the service (rosary one night and mass the next).  I went back to work the Monday after Mark died, and waited and waited to get the service over...it was all I kept saying, "I wish it was over".  Just listen to the wise voices here and look after YOU...self-care is SO important.  Remember to eat, sleep, rest when you can.  Be kind to you.  Don't listen right now to those who tell you what your husband would have wanted for you...for you to be happy and move on.  NO ONE knows what our loved ones would have wanted... I know that I had NO IDEA what grieving was all about, especially grieving on this level.  Please be aware, okay?  We are here for you to listen...because right now that is what you need.

[Kathryn1]

Made it through one more day today . The longest we'd ever been apart is 9 days. Today is 8. I don't know how I'll make it through this week. I see a grief counsellor on Thursday. But it's only for 1 hour and how can I possibly explain this mess in that time? And I saw my dr today. I'm still on my sleeping pills and thank god for that. It's so weird to be 'that person' that has tragedy hung around my neck. And it's tough cause I feel like the rest of the world is just a movie right now, and I'm watching it go by. And everyone else who was close is already posting on Facebook , going out for birthday suppers and resuming their normal routines. And I feel trapped in my bed, not wanting to get up, but not wanting to sleep, and trying to remember 'us ' but barely able to remember us. And then feeling badly cause I barely cried today. And realizing a friend who promised my husband she'd be there thru this now and afterwards, seems uncomfortable with my emotion and lack of direction. She's gone from being here 24-7 to sending a short text once a day and basically is checking out. She called yesterday to ask how things were and at the end, I got the pressure about the memorial again. And she finally got it when I got overwhelmed and she then said 'do you want to put everything on hold for now'. And I don't get why it took her so long to hear that's what I was saying all along. And each time someone pulls back, I feel like I've lost someone else. And it hurts so badly. She's gone from checking in every hour or two,  to just a 2 word text once a day, that really has no meaning. And My parents are staying with me now, and we haven't talked timelines, but they haven't mentioned returning to their house or anything like that but they only live a 10 min. Drive away so hopefully it's ok cause in no way do I feel like I could be alone anytime soon. 

And I wonder if this is 1 week, how do I make it to 2 weeks, then 3 and so on. I feel dead myself. And terrified. And I saw myself in the mirror at the drs office, and I looked really really horrific. I looked like death itself. And I'm not a vain person , I'm always satisfied with how I look, but I scared myself cause I looked so raw and just awful, like a ghoul with giant grey bags under my eyes, greasy unbrushed hair and rumpled clothes I've been sleeping in. How does anyone get through. Every day is a complete battle. I try to talk to my Paul, but it doesn't really work, and I just feel so really really awful. And I get mad cause he abandoned me here with all this shitty mess to clean up and manage.  I know you all have been there, but it doesn't feel like I can get through. And worse yet , it doesn't feel like I want to either. I read it's normal to have those thoughts but my life seems to have no purpose anymore. We had no kids, so my mom told me teddy needs me (he's our 20 month old giant teenage dog) but it doesn't feel anything the same. I'm terrified for years ahead, when my parents are gone (they're 80), my dog is gone, and I have no real family ( I have a brother who I'm close to but rarely see). I fear my future is all lonely all the time, and I'll just wither away and die and no one will even notice or care. I'm sorry this is so down, it's how I feel right now .

[kevin]

Katherine, I had 7 days the family hovered over me.......finally I said thanks , if I need anything else I will let you know. They said we will leave, but under a few conditions.......get out playing Golf..........walk the dog.........visit us next month..........text daily..........that was 6 months ago, I am so much more cognitive, I engage with neighbours or someone daily, and I do live in the present........If you get moving , you will get  feeling better......word of caution(stay in the kitchen when your cooking).......good luck 

[Dew's Girl]

Like you, I was not up for a memorial service at all. I just wanted to hide in bed.  A friend gently reminded me that I was not the only one grieving for him and that others needed a chance to say goodbye.  I ended up giving in and holding something simple and now I am so glad I did.  It was almost unthinkable at the time, but looking back now it was a way for me to give one last love letter to him from the songs I chose to the words on the notice. It was good for me, but we all greive in our own way and in our own time.

[kayc]

Kevin, I like your advice (stay in the kitchen when cooking).  I should have followed that a couple of days ago.  I have been under so much stress this week with the contractor mess...I was on the phone with my sister and decided to start my truck up and let it run for a few minutes because I hadn't driven it all week and didn't want the battery going dead.  I did, and when on the phone with her was pacing, came back in the house.  1 - 1 1/2 hours later I went outside and OOPS, remembered the truck!  It's down 1/4 tank of gas.   Good thing I finally remembered at all!  So if I'd stayed near the carport...
Your advice to Katherine was good too (shared what your parents said).  

[hollowheart]

Katheryn, I read all your posts and I just want to zap you to another land right now. You are so piled on that you are going insane. The memorial can wait. The people bugging you about it have nothing else to do but wait to hear the date and show up. I could not handle my sister in a coffin, so we didnt' have a funeral. I was out of it through the whole thing and the memorial didn't go the way I wanted it too, so I'm upset about that.

So now I"m thinking if you wait and do it later you will be in a better state of mind to handle it and maybe do some things for it that might be overwhelming right now.

As far as the business, do what you NEED to do, but I think you already know not to be pressured into anything right now. Your FIL can just sit tight. He wants you to get sick of him and sign to get rid of him. He can just chill.

Friends: I am still bitter about my friends, even though I know they have their own lives. Like you, I had people send me a 2 word text every couple of weeks that meant nothing. It made my bitterness larger because I'd see them on FB joking and posting pics and I was jealous that they could go back to their lives. It's why I took a FB break.

Try to be understanding with your friends, but at the same time don't feel like you have to be a certain way to make them comfortable. Let them know you don't need suggestions and solutions, but just a friend. You can be nice about it. People try to fix you so their life can go back to normal. It's not about fixing, just like you said, you just need to be sad and wallow. That's a natural reaction anyway.

 

[kevin]

KayC.......we are all a little scattered brained at the best of times.......I've done the quarter tank of gas warm up thing also. My rule is anything with Energy(this includes running water, another story), don't let it alone.......This term muti tasking always has a non desireable outcome, sooner or later..........but it is nice pushing the envelope some days .....Sunshine today

[Guest]

Just got back from a three day trip to the Valley.  Did a load of laundry before I left.  Came back and found not only the laundry room light was left on but the dryer door was left open so the dryer light and laundry room light both stayed on for the 72 hours I was gone.  Probably left the coffee pot going to, just haven't made it that far to check.

No Grief Dementia here! 

[Queeniemary]

Kathryn, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have not been a very active member of this forum for some time, but feel compelled to reach out to you. 

 I understand the pain you are going through, and just wanted to give you some words from someone who has been there and is now over 6 years out from the loss of my Mike.  Mike's death was also very sudden.  I was in the hospital, having undergone a total knee replacement, when he died.  He had not been ill, nor had any heart problems, but he died of a massive coronary in our home, alone, with our dogs around him.  We had talked on the phone just hours before.  When I could not reach him the next day (hospital 1 1/2 hours away) I had my daughter check on him, and she found him.  He was 61. 

I will not lie to you, the first few months are still a fog to me, and there are a lot of things about them that I simply cannot recall.  I will tell you that the cliché, time helps, is true, at least in my case.  Do I still miss him, and long to see his face again, and hear his voice, yes I do.  However, I have come to accept my "new normal".  I have retired since Mike died, and try to keep busy.  Mike and I were both involved in community theater, and I still act in and direct plays.  I travel some, as I can afford it.   Finding this forum, just a couple of months after Mike died helped me so much.  It probably saved my sanity. Being on this forum helped me to learn to live with my "new normal".  Being able to vent, rant, rave about what was happening in my life was very helpful.  People here are so kind, and non judgmental. They know what it is like for them, and they want to help you.

Someone said, try to rest, eat well, and that is important.  Grieving is hard work, and you need all the energy you can get.  It is very important to take care of yourself.

Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

QMary 

[Margm]

When I left de house I went back and checked every electrical outlet three times, but left lots of lights on, including porch light.  On purpose.

[Kathryn1]

Thankyou QueenieMary, this helps. It really does.

Its strange as before this I only personally knew one person who'd lost her husband young, in her 20s to cancer. But she was distantly related and I never talked to her much. It also sounds cliched, but this is something that I heard others going through, I always thought something could happen, but you always think 'maybe down the road'. With my husband, I was always worried about his heart, as he'd been overweight and was on pills for his blood pressure and had been recently diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic. I'd always nag him about his diet. And then we were worried about dementia, as his mom got hit hard by that when she was young. But its so true that what hits you is things you never worried about. He had no immediate family history of cancer, well his dad had lung, but he was a heavy smoker. And so, we never even talked about. If anything, we were more worried about me, as I had a suspicious lump removed several years ago.

To know other people have survived, is helpful, so very helpful. But its tough, cause I'm so young. And all my friends work, and almost all work full time. So, its so very isolating. I'm working out of home and I can already see work is something to concentrate on, but I also have nothing outside of that. Not right now. Its awful. I've started watching TV in our bedroom. Netflix. We never had one there until Paul was ill and even so, he only was able to watch it for a few minutes. So I have no memories associated with that. I'm having trouble sitting in the living room where we did each nite, and I cant; sit at the kitchen table. And I fear this is my life now. A life of fear and despair. And only working, as thats all I have now, and in some ways, it helps me focus, and in others, its awful. as I see how much my husband knew and did and how little I appreciated or understood that. And I am wracked with so much guilt. IS that normal? Each day all i can think is so cliched but what would I do differently etc. About every aspect of our lives. Its just awful. There is so much i would change. And how do people sleep. Even with sleeping meds I can only sleep for a few hours and then always wake up at 4 AM and just lie there. I tried to read last night and did read, but it didnt help me tire.

I'm in the if- only bargaining part right now. All I can think is what if we would have done this or that. WHat if it'd be found earlier. What if we had 4 weeks instead of 2. I've even thought of all the times we were in ER and at the dr for what they all thought was kidney stones, but they could never find kidney stones and there was one time in ER where they laughed at him and sent him home. And I'm convinced now it was pancreatitis. And the cancer had started and noone did  a scan. He was overweight a bit and they wrote him off. And cause he was trying to lose weight anyways, noone picked up on the weight loss. ANd he was embarrased about his body so always told me his body wasn't built right and that's why his back always hurt at night (which I now know wa sthe cancer). And I get so angry I want to talk to a lawyer. But then I feel more guilt that I;m turning into one of 'those people'. But my grief is so real and I think my concerns are so real. and I have so much guilt over the pain he endured.

[scba]

On Tuesday, January 19, 2016 at 1:52 AM, Gwenivere said:

Once I got so mad at someone, I said 'you spend 37 years with someone, love them with all your being, lose them, spend a year never getting to touch, talk to or see them and then get back to me how it feels'.  I didn't say it in anger, just calmly in tears.  Of course, they cannot comprehend that, but I made my point.  

 

Gwen, when I was "suggested" By a married friend that if I found a job I would find a new boyfriend, I replied, with anger, "the Road you are walking, I have already walked in and now I am returning. I wish you never know what it means". Sometimes it is not possible to cry our hearts out. 

[kayc]

Kathryn,

Yes guilt is normal/common.  It's not that we deserve to feel guilty, we all did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time and we would have done anything we could for them, it's just part of the grief, wishing this, wishing that.

Margaret, 

I doubt Brad's dryer light kept the burglars away!

[iPraiseHim]

23 hours ago, Kathryn1 said:

We had no kids, so my mom told me teddy needs me (he's our 20 month old giant teenage dog) but it doesn't feel anything the same. I'm terrified for years ahead

We have no children either.  I try to focus on now and not the future.  I have no idea what the future will even look like.   I just take one day at  a time, sometimes one minute at  a time.  Allow yourself to grieve. I couldn't figure it out. I felt like I was crazy , and hundreds of other weird thoughts.  It was such a shock to me when my wife suddenly died.  I read, listened, and just started sharing here what was going on.  For many, grief is the transition given to us  who deeply love our spouse. The beauty of this place is there are like minded people going through their grief journey and helping us who just got catapulted into this life of pain and loss.  It helps me to share here and to journal to my wife as if I was talking to her.  It helps me; maybe it will help.  I couldn't sleep for more than two hours a night for a couple of weeks.  Some one suggested that I contact my doctor get a sleep aid.  I was reluctant at first but was comforted here by many people. to get rest and take care of myself.  Read other people initial posts in you will discover you in their early struggle with grief.  We all move forward as we are able.  There is no rush.  Take care and comeback often to share as you are able.  Shalom

[Kathryn1]

My mom told me tonight when i was crying "you cant keep going on like this" and i had to tell her what everyone here said, that its only been 9 days and even though shed feel better seeing me up and about, that it wouldnt be better for me. She said she was frustrated as didnt know how to help me, and i told her just bringing my meals to my bed and being there was helping me. I dont think she believed me. She wants to 'do something' to make me feel better. I hope she doesnt get impatient. And i told her right now, i just need to be this way. I ate twice, showered, and met an employee at our home for an hour or so this afternoon, a d i sent some business emails and watched about 20 netflix shows. And besides that i laid in bed all day. But i thought i was doing ok?

[kevin]

Kathryn , you are going to make your mother sick.......9 days in bed isn't healthy for anybody. You either gotta get moving or see a doctor about this depression, because whatever your doing, needs a re-evaluation. What most of us did or still do, is wear a mask in public, go through the motions. And this goes on for months.........good luck and dig in...pulling for you,,,,,do it

[kayc]

Kathryn,

You actually are doing a lot.  Meeting with an employee, business contacts, the rest of us didn't do that this early.  Tell your mom if she wants to do something she can buy you groceries or clean your house.  She wants to "fix" this, she can't.  Some things there's no quick easy fix for.  You're voicing yourself, that is a good thing.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Kathryn...

Being only 9 days out, you are still in shock and the fact that you are getting up and showering, doing some work and facing someone from the outside world.  Those are BIG steps this so early.  Like everyone has said, your mom just wants to "make it better" and it isn't something that can be fixed.  There are things you can find online perhaps you can give her to read.  We CAN'T instruct them how to help us...but we CAN say what is not working.  You are doing very good, Kathryn.  George really hit the nail on the head; his words ring so true and I felt personally touched by his words.  I am at 13 months and having better days, but mostly because I am trying to stay in the present.  If I waver and let my thoughts go to the look on Mark's face in the photo that sits here on my desk at work...I feel the emotions rise inside. It is still day to day for me.  It isn't easy to "feel good" about the things you are accomplishing, but do re-iterate to your mom that you are where you are supposed to be, and doing EXACTLY what you should be doing. 

[Guest]

Kathryn -

It's been less than two weeks.  For me those first two weeks were just a blur.  I was driven to take care of business.  I was just numb.  On day eleven we had a Celebration of Life and the following day everyone left.  At that point I completely fell apart.  I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I cried all day long and this continued for weeks.  I refused to stay in bed but had no idea of what to do with myself so I hiked.  I've always found solace in the woods.  I hiked, and hiked, and hiked.  My kids learned quickly that the number of miles I covered each day was a good barometer of how I was doing.  The more miles the worse I was coping.  After a month I called a counselor I knew at the Mayo Clinic; she had counseled both Deedo and myself during Deedo's illness.  She agreed to be my grievence counselor and what a Godsend she was.  I believe she saved me.  I'm now approaching six months - eight days away.  I still cry every day but not for as long and it does feel more cathartic.  I still miss my Deedo terribly but also have times when I can remember something and laugh.  I can find joy in somethings, particularly my grandkids.  I have been on Mirtazapine since late September and feel I might be ready to stop taking it.  I think I am at a point where I can make it through a day without chemical assistance although with the Mirtazapine I was able to sleep, to eat, to grieve but not be so overwhelmed.  

Re: Mom - she wants to fix you and right now that can't be done.  My youngest son still wants to fix me.  I need to periodically remind him that there is not a quick, easy solution.  I need to do what I am doing and maybe someday what I am doing today will not be enough and then I'll be ready to do something more, but not until then.  Do keep in mind though how hard this must be on her.  Her daughter is hurting and for once she cannot kiss it better.

[kayc]

Brad, thank God you chose to hike instead of drink!  I, too, find my way in nature.  It helps me process, put things in perspective, bring clarity.  That's one of the reasons I live where I do even though I feel like I'm in pioneer-survival mode during the winter.

I think we have some of our hardest time with those who want to "fix" us because they can't and because their idea of a solution isn't necessarily what will work best for us.  That is how my older sister is too, always wants to fix everyone, it drives us nuts.  We appreciate her concern but she doesn't back off when we try to get her to.  Still, I'm glad she's in my life, I love her and appreciate her concern.

[hollowheart]

17 minutes ago, kayc said:

I think we have some of our hardest time with those who want to "fix" us because they can't and because their idea of a solution isn't necessarily what will work best for us. 

Also, I feel when people suggest something and you do it or at least try it and maybe it did make you feel better and have some better days. Heck, even if you just have some better days in general, that person really does think they "fixed" us. Then I feel they are like "OK, they're fine now. They don't need any more help, or calls, or conversations or anything. They're all good."

I recently got that a little tiny bit from a couple of people and it actually made me start to feel bad again. It's like they get this mentality that they never have to speak of what happened to me again, and I shouldn't need to bring it up because I'm "fixed" now.

[kayc]

I think grief is one of the least understood things people in our society deal with, they just don't know what it is or how to respond.  Sometimes I think we have to educate them...at a time when we least need something else to deal with!

[hollowheart]

I think it's of the the least understood because we all know we know someone who will die, including ourselves, so we just figure it's just something we will have to deal with. Yet, we don't deal with it and don't want to think about how we're going to deal with it. Who does that? No one. Because we don't want to think about it. And it's also something that you just can't know.

It's like when someone plays a joke on you and they make you think something happened when it didn't, in that moment you freak out, you can't believe it. Those are real emotions that you can't fake. Then when they tell you it's fake you relax and realize you are glad that it wasn't real because what you were feeling was the worst thing ever.