Who is the true friend and who is not?

[Guest Janka]

I never thought that I can say this,but I start to be disappointed in some people whose I´ve known so long in my life.One friend of mine who is part of my life since I was 12 y.o. girl treated me not well lately.He started a good job,making much money at once,bought an expensive mobile phone and so on...He absolutely forgot what does mean the true friend who had been helping him and being there for him always.I talk about a person I had spent my time with in his worst times and he wasn´t here in mine when I needed him the most the last few weeks.I´m so disappointed!

Janka

[hollowheart]

Janka, I'm so sorry. It is disappointing and even more so because we can't do anything about it. When we look at good friends going on with their unaffected lives while we are suffering and hurting it makes trying to heal that much worse.

I have gone back and forth many times about friends in forgiving them, being angry, trying to understand their situations, then being mad again, then forgiving them for not knowing better. 

I feel like I can relate to what you are saying. I try not to be disappointed and angry but can't help it because, sadly, I need my friends more than ever. In some cases they need a nudge. You may need to contact them first to see what's up and let them know you miss hanging out with them. They might consider themselves giving you space and leaving you alone. 

I still find myself doing all the initiating even after that first contact, so I feel like I'm not chasing anyone down the street begging for a call. I used to initiate stuff before my sister passed, but it feels differently now. Maybe, selfishly, I feel like they should do it more.

[enna]

Dear Janka,

We just don’t know why some people disappoint us with their reaction to someone’s loss. It seems to happen more often than not. Some shy away perhaps because they just don’t know what to say and others find it uncomfortable with loss in general.

There has been much written about it. None of it really has to do with the person grieving. I have come across this many times in my grief.

I think people are afraid of the unknown and death is really an unknown. Some people are dealing with their own issues and may be afraid to come close to someone grieving because it may bring issues to the surface and be too painful for them.

I have found that some friends are good at distracting me by hanging out with me and going to a show or lunch ~ never mentioning the loss. Other friends are comfortable with asking me if I want to talk about my loss or they tell me something that they remember about my Jim.  

I think it’s okay to be angry with friends who are not ‘there for you’ but a good thing to remember is that it isn’t about you ~ it’s about them.

Marty has written a great deal about this in her griefhealingblog . I’ll see if I can find a few links for you.

I know this hurts and I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed. Hugs.

**** Here are a few links:

Grief Healing: In Grief Responding to “How Are You?”

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/in-grief-responding-to-how-are-you.html 

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html 

In Grief: Feeling Let Down by Closest Friends

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html

 

 

 

Anne 

 

[Guest]

Janka- 

It always hurts when people let us down.  I am sorry you are going through this on top of work problems and losing your sweet Jan.  Know I am sending you hugs - I just can't do it as delightfully as you.

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, hollowheart said:

Janka, I'm so sorry. It is disappointing and even more so because we can't do anything about it. When we look at good friends going on with their unaffected lives while we are suffering and hurting it makes trying to heal that much worse.

I have gone back and forth many times about friends in forgiving them, being angry, trying to understand their situations, then being mad again, then forgiving them for not knowing better. 

I feel like I can relate to what you are saying. I try not to be disappointed and angry but can't help it because, sadly, I need my friends more than ever. In some cases they need a nudge. You may need to contact them first to see what's up and let them know you miss hanging out with them. They might consider themselves giving you space and leaving you alone. 

I still find myself doing all the initiating even after that first contact, so I feel like I'm not chasing anyone down the street begging for a call. I used to initiate stuff before my sister passed, but it feels differently now. Maybe, selfishly, I feel like they should do it more.

Dear hollowheart,

it´s unbelievable how much truth I can find in what you said now.Though I´m not angry anymore and I´m not going to be selfish at all,the others what you said represents exactly how I feel now.It´s so true!I just know,the person I talked about was at the bottom 4 months ago and it was me who was by his side,helping him and stopping his uncontrollable drinking then.At last me and another two friends sent him to cure on the Psychiatric unit.Later he was lucky to find a job to make much money at once,that got mixed up his head.He had almost nothing,now he has so much.You know what I mean.Where is the precious friendship in nowadays?I had a super job too,the long 4 years,but I never forgot the close friends of mine.I think it´s a question of character,so after nudging him I´ve made by now,I can do nothing more.It´s very sad.

Janka

[kayc]

With all that has been written on this site about this subject, I can only say it is up to each individual to decide for themselves if their disappointing friend is worth keeping as a friend or not.  I have been a friend to many, not all of them have reciprocated.  I now have new criteria:

• If I invite you to my wedding and you live nearby, you should come.
• If my husband dies you should make an effort to attend his funeral.
• If I need help moving, it'd be nice if you'd help me move.
• If I have surgery, it'd be nice if you'd come check on me afterwards.
• A good friend will listen when you need to talk.
• A friend will remember you on your birthday

I have been this friend, I only wish my "friends" had been this person too.  I guess this is all a learning experience, some of it in weeding out culls.  Sorry, it's just how I feel!

[hollowheart]

53 minutes ago, Janka said:

I think it´s a question of character,so after nudging him I´ve made by now,I can do nothing more.It´s very sad.

 

Janka

It is sad because this is all you can do. It's funny you brought this up again because I'm still pretty grumpy over certain friends too but I'm slowly learning to just be by myself. I believe that's how I'm going to end up anyway. My sad reality.

I have been thoughtless and thoughtful with friends. When I'm thoughtful my mom would always ask "Are they going to do the same for you?"  But I don't do it for something in return. Honestly, I feel like depending on the relationship, how they act is expected. If you were really there for him, putting personal things on hold to help him then I think he should be expected to do the same because that is the type of friendship you had.

The bad thing is, you never know how your friends will act until they do. At my old job everyone who did any charity stuff would leave the info in the kitchen for anyone to give if they wanted to. I participated in Make a wish for several years and I left my info in the kitchen. One person gave, but my own very good friend didn't give 1 penny. I said I was going to take the sheet down because I was getting a little embarrassed no one was giving and she said "you need to leave it there longer, someone will give" I was thinking "Why? You didn't!'  I know she watches her money like a hawk budget wise, but not even a dollar? For me?  It was disappointing and made me feel like crap.

 

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

Janka- 

It always hurts when people let us down.  I am sorry you are going through this on top of work problems and losing your sweet Jan.  Know I am sending you hugs - I just can't do it as delightfully as you.

Dear Brad,

I´d love to hug you too!You know what you mean to me.You´re like my family here.

With love Janka

 

[Guest Janka]

3 hours ago, enna said:

Dear Janka,

I know this hurts and I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed. Hugs.

**** Here are a few links...

 

Anne 

 

Dear Anne,

thanks a lot for those links you sent me now!I´m gonna look at them.You´re very kind!

Hugs from Janka

[Guest Janka]

26 minutes ago, TH said:

I can so relate to this...But I had one close friend who I had known for 11 or so years, who I had helped through SO much stuff, and after R died, we emailed briefly about it and then he vanished after I said how badly I was struggling. Not a word since.I don't have the energy to initiate contact, I don't know if I want to, but being left behind is extra pain that isn't needed.

Dear TH,

this is how I feel now...so disenchanted and very sad...I don´t deserve this too!

Janka

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

With all that has been written on this site about this subject, I can only say it is up to each individual to decide for themselves if their disappointing friend is worth keeping as a friend or not.  I have been a friend to many, not all of them have reciprocated.  I now have new criteria:

• If I invite you to my wedding and you live nearby, you should come.
• If my husband dies you should make an effort to attend his funeral.
• If I need help moving, it'd be nice if you'd help me move.
• If I have surgery, it'd be nice if you'd come check on me afterwards.
• A good friend will listen when you need to talk.
• A friend will remember you on your birthday

I have been this friend, I only wish my "friends" had been this person too.  I guess this is all a learning experience, some of it in weeding out culls.  Sorry, it's just how I feel!

Dear Kay,

I like your new criteria very much!

Janka

[kayc]

Yeah, it may make for a lonely life, but oh well!   At least I'll know what to expect.

[Gwenivere]

I keep hearing host saying....grief rewrites your address book.  I keep finding that out even now when I think I have people sorted out. 

[kevin]

KayC........outstanding Criteria........Keep it Simple............''''''''. Good piece of advice my father gave me was , if you go through life and can count the number of True Friends on one hand, you have done well...........Janka you are a Precious Good person, don't let this shallow person weigh on your Spirit..............

Edited February 2, 2016 by kevin
ommission

[hollowheart]

17 hours ago, TH said:

I can so relate to this, and it was one of the things I read a lot about early on in my grief - feeling let down by others. I'm not one for friends, really, I've always struggled with it as I'm introverted and a rough past left me with a bunch of issues... But I had one close friend who I had known for 11 or so years, who I had helped through SO much stuff, and after R died, we emailed briefly about it and then he vanished after I said how badly I was struggling. Not a word since.

I see him carrying on with his life, and I know he has his own struggles, but it hurts a great deal. It angers me that after everything, when I was the one who needed someone, he couldn't even ask if I was ok. Months have passed, anything could have happened to me and still silence, even though he always went on about how I was his closest friend. On good days I just feel the friendship ran its course, I try to understand he might not be comfortable with my sadness... On bad days I feel so upset, angry and disappointed. I don't have the energy to initiate contact, I don't know if I want to, but being left behind is extra pain that isn't needed.

I feel exactly the same way you in your thinking with your good and bad days. I think on good days I want to initiate, and bad days I'm like f**k them.  I also think that I don't ask for much when I at least expect an email, a text, or even a voicemail! I'm not asking you to show up at my door with a casserole every evening and sit and talk for 3 hours. I understand everyone has their own lives, but close friends I do expect to hear from them more than others.

You mentioned you are introverted. I am too. But you had R, and even though you had past issues and not a lot of friends, in reality you had what you needed. 

I said this before, but I believe a lot of the friendships we have and lost or are losing were important to us, but were not as essential to us as what we lost (obviously).  So now they are more neon lighted because we're looking to them for friendship, companionship, understanding, help, fun, sympathy, empathy.  Things we were getting on a daily basis already. It's hard to just go from having that so easily and everyday to suddenly not.

When I was out with others it was OK because I knew I had my sister available to do anything else I really wanted to do, and I wasn't dependent on others for companionship. Now that I am, it's messed up. I'm just tired.

[Guest Janka]

Dear hollowheart,

I can relate to all of these you mentioned so much!It´s so good I just started to talk about it.Now I see how many of us feel this way.

Thank you all !!!

Janka

[Guest Janka]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

...grief rewrites your address book...

I keep this sentence in my mind,Gwen...Very well said!

Janka

[Guest Janka]

16 hours ago, kevin said:

KayC........outstanding Criteria........Keep it Simple............''''''''. Good piece of advice my father gave me was , if you go through life and can count the number of True Friends on one hand, you have done well...........Janka you are a Precious Good person, don't let this shallow person weigh on your Spirit..............

 

My dear Kevin!

Thanks for your nice answer! If I didn´t know him so long,I´d never choose him to be one of my friends now. Today I closed this chapter of my life. I don´t need this anymore. You´re right. It has brought me to this conclusion:

"Life is too short to waste time on someone who is not deserving of being a true friend."

I fully agree with you as for the number of true friends too. That´s what I say all my life:

"Quality versus quantity."

Quality does matter! Unfortunately it´s always a hard decision for someone who lost a loved one and who needs a company to do not be all alone...I´m glad to do it now,my dear friend!

With love Janka

[enna]

  Sending you hugs, Janka, just because ~

Anne

[KarenK]

This is for all of my friends here who struggle with their "less than true" friendships. It is on a wooden plaque I purchased in Gatlinburg, TN. I don't know who wrote it.

ANYWAY

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered; Be kind anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

 

Janka, you are way too special to be mistreated by anyone.

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, those wise and beautiful words have been attributed to Mother Teresa: 

"The verses reportedly were written on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta, India, and are widely attributed to her. 

Some sources say that the words were written on the wall in Mother Teresa's own room. In any case, their association with Mother Teresa and the Missionaries of Charity has made them popular worldwide, expressing as they do, the spirit in which they lived their lives. 

They seem to be based on a composition originally by Kent Keith, but much of the second half has been re-written in a more spiritual way."  

[KarenK]

Thank you, Marty.

I knew it had to have come from a wise and special person.

[scba]

Dear Janka, I'm sorry you have to deal with this person, on top of everything else. When I read it I thought why you, who are so kind and compassionate, have to deal with mean people at work, and these type of so called friends for good circumstances. I understood that friendship rewrote our address book. I felt many friends for years just forgot me, but at the same time I probably did before and never new their struggles. After my loss I understood how lonely pain is, and I am trying to stay close to my friends in trouble in spite of my own loss. But I'm not perfect, I have written in my mind those who failed to understand or to support me in the worst time. Still,I wish them well. 

All of this grief issue is tough, demanding, consuming. If only.....

[Guest Janka]

46 minutes ago, KarenK said:

ANYWAY

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered; Be kind anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

 

Janka, you are way too special to be mistreated by anyone.

My dear Karen!

What a pleasant surprise ! It´s how I try to live all the time. Everyone could think about those words written above. It´s so true ! I think it´s very beautiful. It´s something to remember forever. I´ll never forget it! I saved it for keeps together with other quotes of Kay and Kevin above too. It does mean very much to me !

Thanks a lot !!!

With love Janka

[Guest Janka]

22 minutes ago, scba said:

Dear Janka, I'm sorry you have to deal with this person, on top of everything else. When I read it I thought why you, who are so kind and compassionate, have to deal with mean people at work, and these type of so called friends for good circumstances. I understood that friendship rewrote our address book. I felt many friends for years just forgot me, but at the same time I probably did before and never new their struggles. After my loss I understood how lonely pain is, and I am trying to stay close to my friends in trouble in spite of my own loss. But I'm not perfect, I have written in my mind those who failed to understand or to support me in the worst time. Still,I wish them well. 

All of this grief issue is tough, demanding, consuming. If only.....

My dear Ana!

You´re right! No matter how they hurt us,it´s good to wish them well. It´s between them and God,as well as Karen posted above. I appreciate your kind words. You belong to those precious friends of mine in here and I truly wish you to figure out all of those problems having in the workplace as well as me. I know how hard it is. Now I have a medical issues because of that and as well as Kay mentioned,it´s not worthy of that. Please,let us know how you´re doing now.

With love Janka