Widow/er to Widow/er

[brat#2]

Marg, I'm sending you hugs and good wishes.  I know this is going to be hard, but I think you are doing the best thing by just putting his stuff into boxes to go through them later.  It probably won't be any easier later, but at least you won't be upset with yourself if you got rid of something now that you didn't want too.  I can't imagine the memories you are having after 54 years, I know I've got a ton of them and we were together 33 years.  But you have got to do what is best for you and your family and you will get through this.  We are here for you and hope we can help you find some comfort and peace.

Joyce

[BillT]

My heart, broken as it may be, goes out to you Marg.  Reading your post, I felt like I was right there with you.  Offering a prayer for your strength to do what you need to do.     

[kayc]

Oh Margaret, my heart goes out to you.  I don't know that it'll get any easier, but I think the smart thing to do is to box it up to go through when you are more ready.  You're right, it's not something you can hurry.

[Margm]

(Words and music by the group 5-SOS)

I was already missing before the night I left
Just me and your shadow and all of my regrets
Who am I? Who am I when I don't know myself?
Who am I? Who am I? Invisible

I don't care much for listening to songs or music now.  But, I have a 16-year-old granddaughter who loves the group called 5-SOS (seconds of summer) and they have two songs that reach right through the grief and grab me by the neck. She knows I hate rap, but they even have songs that sing and also rap.  These are a few words written by one of the group, and they are all only barely out of their teens.  That makes me know I am in my second childhood, because these words soaked through my hard wax brain and heart, and I did not cry, do not cry when listening to them.  

I have been getting private messages from my friends.  We are all supposed to meet.  The timing is off though, I am moving.  Another message last night. My son wants to take me to the get together.  Reminded me, my folks always took me to parties.  Then Billy would pick me up at all the office parties because one Margarita and I could not drive. This was one of my best friends in high school, well, she still is.  She fought for her life a couple of years ago and she still is in a fight for her life.  Her husband was shot many years ago standing in line waiting for a movie ticket.  A lot of mystery to that.  Won't go into it.  He was made to live his life in a wheelchair, then he got colon cancer.  That was years ago.  My friend almost lost her life with her heart and lungs, surgery, on life support, needing to get out and make a living for both of them. And she applauds my courage.I am such a coward..

I am scared.  I am an old woman.  I have a boulder rolling down the hill now and I have to finish this job I started.  You all cannot (well maybe you can) imagine how much I want to jump in front of this boulder, I am tired.  I don't want to push anymore.  Then I think of Shannon, our new member and her husband was murdered.  She has four small children.  My troubles are so mundane compared to hers.  My children are all grown, heck, my grandchildren are grown.  This morning I want to give up.  I want to cry.  I don't want to go any further.  

I will finish with a poet from another place in time than my teenager granddaughter's favorite group.  I will finish with Robert Frost.  Honestly, I just wish I was finished period.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

[brat#2]

Marg, I understand.  Today marks 9 months since my Dale died and I'm so tired too.  I don't want to push anymore today, just want to be and not even sure that is what I want.  It's so scary, lonely and heartbreaking that I can't see, hear or touch him anymore.  I miss all of that, I miss everything about him.  You are right, my troubles are nothing compared to some of the others in our group, but to me right now, they feel monumental.  I believe we both will make it through this, but it just doesn't feel that way right now.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Joyce, you have every right to your own feelings, we all do.  Once I looked up the word morose and promised I would not write if I felt any of those feelings.  But, right now, that word and all of its meanings is my life.  I complain, I am my own worse enemy.  I know we both just want our husbands with us.  I read the statistics, my friend, we have so much company in our feelings.  I don't think it is really true that misery loves company.  I think it is true what one of the books I read said.  Your born, you marry, you die.  Just a statistic.  My heart does not feel like a statistic.  It is not so cut and dried.  We hurt.  Sometimes the pain is numbed for a moment and we think, "I can do this."  Then the numbness is stripped away.  I love being numb.  I feel right now that I would just love not to be period.

Morose: sullen, sulky, gloomy, bad-tempered, ill-tempered, dour, surly,sour, glum, moody, ill-humored, melancholy, melancholic,brooding, broody, doleful, miserable, depressed, dejected,despondent, downcast, unhappy, low, down, grumpy,irritable, churlish, cantankerous, crotchety, cross, crabby,cranky, grouchy, testy, snappish, peevish, crusty;

And I do not know how to format this to follow in line like it is supposed to.

[brat#2]

Marg, you are so right, we do want our husbands back.  Dale used to say "life sucks sometimes, then you die", well this sucks all the time.  I am definitely morose today, that explains me completely today. 

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Well, just know we are two morose people this morning.  Here is your hug. ((((((hug)))))).   And, it is no longer morning.  I was cleaning the ceiling fan in the bedroom, time has gotten away from me.  Actually, I wish time would just leave me alone.  

[iPraiseHim]

MargM, ... we understand.  The feelings of just not wanting to continue on.  I can not push myself to move forward or even get up at times.  That's just where I am at. With all of the additional activities that you are being called to do it goes against what you want and that takes more energy.  Hang on, Hold on, Pray and go when you have the energy to move.  I notice in myself there is a rebellious streak... I just don't want to do what I need to do like, brush teeth, make the bed shower, eat healthy, etc.  Sometimes I recognize it and ask God for energy because I don't have it.  Life is a cycle of ups and downs.  Hang in there or just hold on.  All of us here care for you and want the best.  Shalom - George 

[Margm]

It does no good to look back.  This time last year he was putting the black plastic down between the house and the brick walkway.  Some idiot, in the past, (sounds like what I would do), put down lava rocks.  When they  mowed the yard or weed-eated it they would fly up and break one window/crack it, of the outside double window.  Being non-homesteaders, it took us 9 years to decide to pull all the old plastic up and carry wheel-barrow loads of lava rocks down the hill.  Billy did not like me to do this, after all, I am just a woman.  Again, we should have recognized he was hurting then.  Just his back.  Always his back.  For over 40 years, his back.  We got it cleared away, the black plastic laid and then he was gone.  My son and I put 15 bags of treated cedar chips down this week.  He is painting the porch.  It is a different color than the brick.  That is okay.  Maybe it will dry a different color.  Anyhow, I will have planters of red with red petunias so maybe they will all look okay.  Just trying for some cosmetic differences to give the house away.  One room to paint.  Three doors to paint.  Then, someone can buy it as a fixer-up place and let me go on my way.  I hope a young couple buys it.  Too many widows live on this street.

Anyhow, I am back to pushing myself.  Cannot find his precious house shoes.  Paranoia.  Now, who would want to take his shoes?  Got all the bedroom to pack so I better get on with it.  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, brat#2 said:

 my troubles are nothing compared to some of the others in our group, but to me right now, they feel monumental. 

Don't fall into that trap of comparing, Joyce.  Everyone of our troubles here is as valid and hard as the next persons.  No matter what we share, no one knows what life is like for us when we are alone.  For example, I would feel bad I didn't have financial problems.  But I can't walk much anymore and that has always been a huge outlet for stress relief.  As the old saying goes....apples to oranges.  It wouldn't help if we all had the same problems in the fallout.  We'd all still be heartbroken and forever changed.  Our challenges are different, but they are ours and every bit as hard as the next person.  We just don't need to add that feeling ours should somehow be easier.  

[kayc]

I agree, Gwen, ALL of our feelings are valid and we ALL have our troubles.  One thing I've learned about comparisons is they tend to diminish...and everything we all are going through needs validated, not diminished.  

[brat#2]

Thank you Gwen and Kay, it's nice to hear and know that my feelings are validated and that you all understand.  It's just a really hard day for me today and I can't see past by sorrow right now.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Oh Joyce, you are here for everyone else and I wish I could do something to help you through today  (((hugs)))  Some days are just like that.

[KarenK]

Each day when I wake up, I am dizzy. I sit on the side of the bed for a few minutes until it clears. I am foggy brained for a while as I make coffee and then able to function after a little while. My doctor knows this, but has no explanation except that my BP is confused. My whole body is confused, including my brain that cannot rest even when sleeping. Makes sense to me that this old piece of machinery is breaking down due to poor maintenance and way too much stress.

Although my EKG is fine, I am to have a stress test and Echocardiogram on the 21st. I will not do well on the stress test because I smoke. I will not wear cowboy boots this time, maybe tennies. There is nothing physically wrong with my heart. It is simply broken and cannot be repaired.

I have been searching for peace for a long time. I cannot find it anywhere. It remains elusive. It is definitely not hiding in my soul.

[Margm]

Karen, they started me on a morning blood pressure medicine.  I take one at night, but the other morning it was 140/80, which seemed okay to me but the doc wanted me to take a morning one also.  This is also supposed to help with the tremors.  I have not noticed if it does or not really, but know they will make you dizzy sometimes until you get used to them.  The best way to do everything is to eat healthy, exercise, etc. etc .  You know, all that crap.  Well, my lifetime diet is very low to non-existent on fiber.  I can have wheat bread. 

One doc told me I scared him.  (They sent him for anger management).  He saved my life, I used to like him. (I really still do.) The GYN doc told me they could do a D&C but if they found anything they could not fix it.  So, I figure, why subject myself to anymore examinations.  Give me my Xanax, which they will let me have, blood pressure meds, and nightly dose of MiraLax and I will not bother them.  

I don't know how to have peace.  I wish I did.  I got rid of my morphine pills, the cliffs around here are not high enough, and so I will just slow down if I hear those footsteps behind me.  Until then, I would hug you if I were close enough and even that would not help.  Then we would both just cry, I know I would.  I like feeling numb and I don't know how to find it in this house.  (Somehow, I don't think it is the house's fault.)  But, it's my excuse right now.  

[scba]

Dear Joyce, we understand and here we are holding your hand.

[kayc]

Karen,

I hope they figure it out soon!  When do you go in for your stress test?  I wonder why they're doing that if your heart is fine?

[KarenK]

Marg, If I were there, I would certainly hug you back and then help you pack up. It is hard enough to miss someone in your heart without having the reminders in your face.

I take 2 BP pills in the morning and 1 at night. I have been on 2 of them for about 15 years, the 3rd one for a few weeks. Without it, my BP goes over 200 and gives me blinding headaches and dizziness. With it, no headaches or high BP. I sit down when I get dizzy. No girl stuff for me for about 38 years. All of it removed 32? years ago. That's one exam I don't miss.  lol

Kay,

My doctor is stymied as to why I don't feel well and am tired all the time. I know the answer. Perhaps he has never lost anyone he loved before. Then he would understand. Last visit, I made the mistake of answering "yes" to the "Do you ever have chest pains?" question. The day my new freezer was delivered, I moved a bunch of heavy stuff out of the utility room so the door would open. When I was finished, my chest hurt. I have COPD. Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. He insists I have the tests. So  I won't be the stubborn old woman that I usually am. I'll have the tests. I refuse to use the inhaler that he prescribed. The side effects are "shortness of breath, etc, etc, ending with possible death". DUH  If I'm wrong about my heart, I'll eat my words. Oh, the tests are on the 21st, about a 20 mile round trip. Hope I can drive home.

[kayc]

Karen,

Is it Advair?

[Margm]

Well, I wish you were here to help me pack.  I know it is hard to try to take care of yourself when our immune system is down because we don't really care.  But, we don't like our head hurting either, so we have to stave off that pain.  My daughter went with me to the doctor last week.  I could hear her talking to the doctor.  It was a really short visit for me, doc knew all about me before she saw me.  This was my daughter's doctor.  She had to get her prescriptions refilled so our appointments were at the same time.  Really did not care to talk anyhow.  She started me on a morning BP medicine, metoprolol I think.  I take clonidine at night.  I have Louisiana State Group Insurance, went to Walmart to get my medications and they did not recognize my insurance.  Arkansas recognizes it.  Oh, they found me in the system and I got three medicines for $4, so I did not complain.  But they told me to get a new card.  I have been with Louisiana Group Insurance since 1961. They sent me a new card after Billy passed.  Anyhow, I hope you have someone to go with you, maybe not "Chatty Cathy" like my daughter, but someone to come with you.  Let us hear how it goes, okay?  Thoughts are with you.

[KarenK]

Kay,

The inhaler is Anoro Ellipta. I have never used it.

[MartyT]

Dear Karen, I so hope you get that B/P under control. Do let us know how the stress test goes. And take good care of you. We worry about you.

I too wish I could give you a long, warm hug. Instead, this will have to do: 

[Margm]

“The flower that blooms in adversity
is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”
~ Walt Disney Company, Mulan ~

Mama was a farmer. Good Gosh, that woman could grow anything. She would be sitting in the dirt, you know it had to be rich dirt, and those long fingernails of hers would shred all the clumps up. I asked her how she kept her nails so long and pretty. She said the dirt helped them. I just washed out a bunch of dirt from under my nails and I just shudder. I am not a farmer. I am not a homesteader. Mama always looked at me like I came out from under the cabbage leaf. I don't think she ever really believed some carrot haired ginger could be her kid. (Mama and Daddy were both brunettes, but my Mammaw's folks were both gingers.)  My mammaw was partial to me.  I wish I had some of my mama's good DNA. I think I collected most of the cabbage leaf's DNA. Now my newly painted front porch has six bright red planters filled with red petunias. I hope I can keep them alive until someone buys the house. These flowers will bloom in adversity.

(And, this has nothing to do with grief, other than I grieve the little farm woman that was my mama.  Her little Alzheimer's brain sometimes looks out the window and you know she is planting and growing. I hope Heaven allows her to have a garden and her and her folks can just farm through the rest of time).