Secondary Losses

[mittam99]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I have a very hard time watching things dealing with realistic death now. 

I can watch shows now in a detached way up to a point. At first I couldn't watch any comedies, I couldn't laugh. I was only watching serious drama for the first month or two after Tammy died. Early on, I'd have to turn the channel when a guy proposed marriage or anything super romantic was on. It was just too painful. And to this day I simply cannot watch any scene of a funeral or anything related to a medical examiner. That still is unbearable. I've actually had situations where a scene of a body in a morgue comes on and I frantically reach for the remote but can't find it. I more or less go into panic attack mode and scream out "I can't watch this"... stop!!!!" ... I finally get relief when I find the remote and switch channels.

Everything we do in life is done differently now. We are so forever changed by our loss.

 

[KATPILOT]

You've got that right Mitch. We do flinch at certain things and for me still happens sometimes so yes we are forever changed to some degree. I imagine for you, there is a trigger around every corner of what you watch. That does ease a little through time. Perhaps it's a hardness we develop over time that makes it more bearable. I remember a time when I was receiving electric shock therapy for a herniated disc at my lower neck.  Each time they began, it was pretty drastic over perhaps eight different pulse attachments. They fired in a sequence like spark plugs on a car so you knew when each one went off. After five minutes I could hardly notice it any longer because the pain would lessen purely in my mind. Could it be that that's what happens with us? Could we just be getting used to it after enough exposure?  I think that is a real possibility.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Stephen,

I think that is the way for most things we have to get used to.  I was out and about with a friend on Saturday, and we drove passed the hospital where Mark died.  It was from the freeway, not up close  and I didn't cry...but it changed my mood for the rest of the day.  When I got home and my friend left, it began to sink in with me.  I went to my journal and started writing.  Yesterday was the second time in just short of a year that we had life threatening flooding here in Houston.  We were told to stay home from work; our facility stayed closed.  It was surreal.  Since it was the second time, and I felt safe from flooding (though not sure if it had not stopped raining when it did where things might have gone), i used my energy to keep the dogs calm.  It was the second time dealing with such an event without Mark, though I imagine he was there standing by.  Sometimes I like to watch something that will set off a trigger, so I can go and write about it.  Sometimes watching the same movie sets off different triggers at different times.  I still feel a good deal of numbness, so sometimes I have to push a little.

[mittam99]

I have a difficult time watching most of the shows Tammy and I enjoyed together. They simply aren't the same now. Watching them also drives home the point that Tammy isn't here enjoying them with me. Not that I need that point driven into my brain... it's just one of a thousand things that reminds me of what I used to have.

[Guest]

I'm ready to drop my cable since there is little that holds interest for me.  I'll stream movies but am getting tired of the blindsides.  Just watched a Chris Rock "comedy" and opening scene and theme throughout was his girlfriends mother has died.  Chris Rock!  Vulgarity YES but sensitivity? Not in my expectations.

[Gwenivere]

I have 2 more shows on my DVR that are the series finale and our favorites. Been sitting there forever.  Many nights I have nothing to watch, but haven't hit those.  I watched the finale of Sons of Anarchy last year without him but I was pretty numb.  I feel like when I lose these last 2 shows it will emphasize an era really lost.  I've always had my shows, but these were important sharing times.  Bailed on a movie from Netflix last night because it was too intense about love.  I don't do romance movies so it was an easy decision.  

I hear ya, Brad on what is offered on cable and satellite.  Never was a problem before when I didn't need sound in the background.  I had no idea how many shows that are just air space are out there.  I try to find a decent old movie and it's tough!  How people get hooked on reality shows I will never understand!

[hollowheart]

hooked on reality shows? *meekly raises hand* But in my defense, The majority of them aren't some of the really bad ones, like Here comes Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty. I do watch the Housewives, I used to watch all of them, but I only watch two now.  I used to watch those child beauty pageant ones too, but they don't  come on anymore.  I watch Rupaul's Drag Race, Project Runway, Hell's Kitchen.

A few days ago I actually noticed how much reality TV I watch, more than I thought. I watch Dance Moms and I like shows like Tiny House Hunting and the House flipping shows. But those aren't really reality TV.

It's pretty hard to not get blindsided unless you stop watching TV altogether and watch the same 10 movies over and over. I was actually playing a video game and this man had found his kidnapped son who almost drowned and he was doing CPR on him, of course I thought back to when I was doing (useless) CPR on my sister. Wouldn't have given a second thought before.

Gwen, I know what you mean about wanting to hold onto the TV shows. I feel the same about not being able to finish some season finales. We watched a lot of the same shows, and she got me hooked on some new ones so it's not fun to watch alone. Some of the new seasons are starting (Mindy Project, Game of Thrones) and she is not here, those were ones we liked to watch and she got me hooked on Game of Thrones, now she's not here for us to freak out over John Snow. I'm about 10 episodes behind on Supernatural. The joy is gone.

I also notice it's hard to stay focused for hour long shows now. Sometimes I just don't have the mental stamina.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I think that is the way for most things we have to get used to.  I was out and about with a friend on Saturday, and we drove passed the hospital where Mark died.  It was from the freeway, not up close  and I didn't cry...but it changed my mood for the rest of the day.  When I got home and my friend left, it began to sink in with me.  

Sometimes I like to watch something that will set off a trigger, so I can go and write about it.  Sometimes watching the same movie sets off different triggers at different times.  I still feel a good deal of numbness, so sometimes I have to push a little.

I have often passes where Steve died.  It's on a regular street that was one of my short cuts for avoiding traffic.  For a long time I could pass it and be glad I never had to go there again.  Now I notice I avoid it.  It will change my mood for the day.  

 You are braver than I.  I know the triggers will find me and don't seek them out.  As I am in a phase that feels like I am encompassed in it from waking to sleep, anything that stops it, even for a few moments, I relish.  One thing I know is it will be back.  Just had to take an online test for food handling where I volunteer and for 45 glorious minutes, I didn't think of the grief.  I was pretty amazed I could even concentrate to do it, but maybe my mind wanted the break too. 

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know what you mean about trying to avoid triggers.  Last month I had to take my elderly neighbor to the hospital for tests and thought I would really have a hard time, spent so much time there with Dale for actual hospital stays and for chemo and radiation, but it really didn't bother me too much.  But I have completely avoided going by the Hospice where he died (luckily it is kind of out of my way of any place I go) and I haven't been able to go any of our favorite places (restaurants, parks, coffee house).  There are enough triggers just around the house that I don't need to go seeking triggers, but not ready to change anything around the house either, go figure?

Joyce

 

[kayc]

I had to go to the hospital probably a year after George died and it was really hard for me.  I had tears pouring down my cheeks as I came to visit my friend and her husband, I couldn't stop them either.  But it got better.  Funerals were another trigger.

[Guest]

I've been forced to deal with the triggers.  With Deedo and I both Mayo patients I've had to go there frequently since she died for my appointments.  I still struggle some but not as much as if I went there rarely.  The hospice where she died is right next to the building where my HOV support group meets so every other week I drive by the hospice twice; going and coming.  It isn't bothering me so much but then I haven't gone inside and probably won't for a very long time.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, brat#2 said:

There are enough triggers just around the house that I don't need to go seeking triggers, but not ready to change anything around the house either, go figure?

Actually it makes sense.  Making changes creates triggers because we have changed something we always knew and was a part of the 'us'.  The things we don't change are constant reminders of thier absence.  It's like walking thru a mine field with every step.

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I can't think of a good reason to go into the hospice.  I have no plans of ever stepping foot into the faculty Steve was in ever again.  The memories are enough, in fact, way too enough.

[KarenK]

Fourteen months after I buried Ron, I buried my daughter. Both funerals were bad, but I think hers was worse for me as she had been cremated. I have never felt like I got to say goodbye or hug her that one last time.

The hospital he was taken to in early April 2013 sits across the street from the library I visit each week. I have been to the ER there a couple of times. Strangely enough, it does not evoke memories of him, but of my father who died there in 1977. When he was discharged 2 weeks later, I took him that night to the hospital where he spent his last 2 weeks on earth. I rarely go into that part of town, but the heart doctor I am to see is located behind this hospital. I don't think it will bother me to go there. The place that bothers me the most is where he died, 10 feet from where I'm sitting. I cannot avoid this place at all.

[hollowheart]

My mom always wants me to into my sister place to do something or get something for her because she has a bad back and doesn't want to walk or carry much. I try to help, but overall, I just can't go in there. I hate seeing all her things all untouched and where she left them. It's just a reminder that she has not been back and never will again. Her place was a place of life and fun, she liked to decorate and liked fun bright stuff. I hate this.

Ambulance sounds can still sometimes get to me and any time I see or hear anything about CPR. Seeing anything about siblings on TV or in real life gets to me because I don't feel like a sibling anymore, actually I'm not and I was for 40 years. When I see anything about the bond of twins or siblings I think, well, not part of that world anymore. So sad and upsetting.

[kayc]

Karen,

I'd often wished George could have died at home because then I could have been with him as he transitioned to his next phase of life.  The hospital ripped me out of that.  But in reading how it affects you, living in the same place Ron died, well it helps me see it in another light.  I still wish I could have been with him though.