Courage

[annew]

Since this life after my partner died (still can't believe it really happened) two and a half years ago, I have constantly been amazed at the amount of courage it takes to face my life now.  It seems, so far, I am capable of doing it, taking care of it all myself, no matter how painful/joyless it is.  I AM grateful for that.  I am grateful to me for taking care of me and caring enough about myself to go on from what I am still not sure is actually suvivable, emotionally.  Still feeling abandoned, still blame myself for not being good enough to save him, save us.....still angry and hurt beyond words.  I am able to tell myself now that I am sorry for this happening and how scary it has all been.  This is the only place I can share these feelings, scares the bejeezus out of others, so I don't say anymore.  I am grateful to be able to say, "no, I am not over it, you don't get over a wound like this, at least not yet.  Not because I am unwilling to heal as best I can but because an entire life and way of being and wanted companion and partnership just evaporated in a most unexpected way.  So I forgive me for taking a long time and still hurting so much.  I am worth the time and resources and energy it takes.  I am worth caring into healing, whether you understand or not.  This is not about understanding.....this is about surviving what can never be put into words for those who have not felt it. It takes so much courage to go on when that is the last thing I want to do.  And I love me for caring enough to allow me to feel and say and know that."  I know you here don't need to hear it, you already know.  Thank you for being willing to listen and share it.......it takes a lot of courage to be so vulnerable and devastated and be seen like that.
 

[Guest]

Annew

What an inspirational and uplifting post.  Thank you for giving me hope and motivation to continue to try to find things I can be grateful for because in this devastation and misery there are glimmers of hope, joy and beauty and I need help focusing on those as well.

[kayc]

Yes, it does indeed take courage.  And I'm glad you value yourself enough to go on and take care of yourself.  (((hugs)))

[annew]

I have to admit though the worst rejection about my grief really comes from me......I shouldn't blame others for not being there when I don't want to feel it, don't want to walk this road....resent it and blame it.  So angry that I have to do this.....and that it takes so much out of me....I resist, it persists.....It needs love and empathy and I am pushing it away....and of course, that hurts more.  I just don't want to feel all this any more.  I am heartless to me.

[MartyT]

An honest (and courageous!) perspective, Anne. I hope you are listening to yourself  ♥

[annew]

Yes, I am listening Marty....when I finally get around to admitting to myself and others that I am hurting myself, I am listening. Feeling angry at me for repressing myself but not in a danger to myself way....just makes sense.

Thank you for hearing, too.

[Froggie4635]

I seem to be on this same route with myself.  Questioning myself about everything.  Is it possible to still be so tired at 16 months, to just drag?  Every little thing just feels like it zaps my strength.  I have this pushy voice that is so agitated with my lack of motivation.  I have been off of work for 4 days now, and had high hopes of accomplishing so much.  Part of me just wants to sit and cut out pictures I printed from Pinterest and create something with them all.  Sometimes grief feels a lot like laziness.  It is only 9:45 am, but it feels like it should be noon already.  What is wrong with me?

[mittam99]

"Sometimes grief feels a lot like laziness.  It is only 9:45 am, but it feels like it should be noon already.  What is wrong with me?"

Maryann, nothing is wrong with you.   Ok, truth be told, there actually is something terribly wrong with you. Horribly wrong...

Your wonderful Mark died 16 months ago!

Of course your emotions are all over the place. Some days you'll have energy and some days you'll have none. There will be days you are proud of yourself and days you feel like a lazy bum, accomplishing nothing. This is all part of this difficult journey. The journey no one ever wanted to take.

In my opinion, you are a remarkable person. As I often say, just getting out of bed feels like an accomplishment. You, on the other hand, have pushed through on countless occasions when you could have easily fallen back into the darkness.

I proudly consider you a friend.

Hugs.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I couldn't agree more with what Mitch wrote.  You are an amazing capable person and if you feel like not doing anything for a day because grief has you so exhausted, then so be it.  Be on Pinterest or anywhere else you can relax and waste the day away, because you know what?  It's not a waste to take care of ourselves and listen to our needs, even if the need to do nothing.  Sometimes we accomplish a lot on our off time, and sometimes we need to just recuperate and relax.

[Cookie]

Maryann:  I can completely relate to you.  I will look around me and think I will do something creative, productive, etc., that it would be good for me, then I just look and walk away.  I also feel so lazy and unproductive and wonder if this is the rest of my life.  I used to do a lot of things, knit, crochet, read a lot, on and on.  I'm thinking that it's easier to do these things when you're happy.  I think you have more creative drive when you're content.  That is my only explanation for this dead zone we're/I'm in.  You are not alone....it distresses me greatly too.  Warmly, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

Maryann, as you can see you are not alone in these feelings at all.  I look at my life now and wonder what happened to the person that always had energy and accomplished a lot.  Nothing earth shattering, but a day was not spent wandering aimlessly mentally and physically just waiting for the hours to pass.  I hear my inner voice too saying.....what the hell is the matter with you?  The answer is quite obvious.  My once fulfilled life, simple as it was, as been obliterated.  As was said in a quote....you think thier dying is the worst, then they stay dead.  That is what we are 'living' with day after day.  Something we could have never fathomed could be so heavy, yet empty to have to drag with us.  So, as always, you are not alone.  Sound says I just want to skip over but that just leads to another of the same.  It's hard knowing everyday that our intentions to feel better face such a insidious foe.

[brat#2]

I'm the same way, I was never one to just sit around and do nothing.  I always was doing something, cleaning, reading, doing my crafts, putting puzzles together, now it seems all I do is take naps, stare (not really watching) at the TV.  I'm so tired, sure I get the things done that I HAVE too, but that's it.  Dale would always tease me that I had a spring in my butt because I couldn't sit still or stay down for long, well the "spring" is gone now and I don't know if I will ever find it.  Hopefully we can find it together.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Sorry girls and guys*, I have always been one to sit around and do nothing.  Getting busy does not help me.  I do what is necessary.  Housework is not exercise for me, it is torture.  If I can get outside and walk, I will walk till my shirt is wet with sweat, oh gosh, I am a southern lady and we just perspire.  I think we all belong here because I don't know any of us that is really having a good time.  

*Sorry Mitch, I corrected myself.  

[mittam99]

Hey Marg, there are some guys posting here, too.

Let's face it, none of us is quite the same person anymore. I mean, basically we still are who we are, but, we've lost our main source of comfort and happiness. We woke up every morning and the person that we adored was right there beside us. We had someone to share everything with and we had someone who could finish our sentences. Someone who loved us unconditionally.

Now we're here and our world has been turned upside down. Even though we still feel married, we are alone and trying to figure out who we are and how to fill the emptiness. It's a new chapter in our life story that we never thought we'd have to write.

I'm so glad we have each other here at the forum. It's a place where we can feel like we "fit in". We can help each other find our way. In this horrible journey, we need all the love and understanding we can get.

Final thought... everyone please be gentle and patient with yourself. This life is hard enough; no need to add to the misery by being too hard on yourself.

[MartyT]

(Marg, you just reminded me of something my daddy always used to say: "Horses sweat. Men perspire. But women only glow.") 

[Margm]

I like that Marty.  I glow so much we don't need the sun.  

[Froggie4635]

I am truly thankful to have my forum family to help get past these times when nothing makes sense, and I somehow want to crawl into a hole (for a little bit).  Reading the responses brought tears to my eyes; to feel all the caring and compassion.  I don't understand why I cannot allow myself to have all the leeway possible...to be okay with just sitting.  It is true.  I also felt as if I sat on a spring.  Mark did his things, I did my things, and we did our things.  There were many times I sat in my studio for hours working on a project and NEVER felt guilty about what got done.  Mark never made me feel I was wasting time...he LOVED seeing me in my studio.  So now, all of a sudden I look at myself as a slacker because I mostly tidy up a little, take care of the fur babes...but mostly walk around LOOKING at what I could be doing.  There is no urgency.  There is no joy. It eases things knowing I am not going through it all alone.  Thank you all for sharing your stories and feelings and freely giving support.  It is truly appreciated.

[Patty65]

3 hours ago, MartyT said:

(Marg, you just reminded me of something my daddy always used to say: "Horses sweat. Men perspire. But women only glow.") 

We used to say "glisten"

 

[annew]

I feel better emotionally...some. But now I am physically exhausted all the time, no stamina....a trip to the grocery can take all the energy for the day.....I really am not sure which one of us died.  And the loneliness, my god, I have never been so alone in this life.  I have no desire to go fix it, find others, be someone else I never wanted to be.  And now, I find I need more empathy, compassion and love for me.....more comforting and nurturing and there is only me.   I am very blessed to have resources, at least for a while....

[mittam99]

I want to go back to your original post where you mentioned how amazed you were at how much courage this grief journey takes. You're absolutely right! Facing what we face does take courage... a lot of it. We're living in a world that is the complete opposite of what we were used to. Where we had companionship before, we're now alone. Where we felt and gave intense love, we have only memories of it. We're living in our own worst nightmare in many ways. The fact that we can function, even in some basic ways, is amazing. That we don't just crawl up in a ball and give up is amazing if you think about it.

All of us need to try to be fair to ourselves. We're not going to have the energy we'd like to have all the time. We're not always going to feel creative. We all do the best we can at any given moment. And that, in itself, is courageous considering the circumstance we live in. 

 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, annew said:

I am physically exhausted all the time, no stamina....a trip to the grocery can take all the energy for the day.....I really am not sure which one of us died.  And the loneliness, my god, I have never been so alone in this life.  

Annew, this breaks my heart to read as it hits so close.  I often feel I died too.  But I don't get the peace I hope he has.  I feel abandoned in life too.  If it weren't for a very few people, it boggles my mind that there is no one in this world that cares where I am everyday.  If I'm late coming home, when I have had to make ER trips, going shopping amid the families and friends doing the same thing.......it's such a cold feeling.  If it weren't for hunger, feeling hot or cold, pain....I would swear I was dead sometimes.   Much too often.

[Cookie]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Maryann, as you can see you are not alone in these feelings at all.  I look at my life now and wonder what happened to the person that always had energy and accomplished a lot.  Nothing earth shattering, but a day was not spent wandering aimlessly mentally and physically just waiting for the hours to pass.  I hear my inner voice too saying.....what the hell is the matter with you?  The answer is quite obvious.  My once fulfilled life, simple as it was, as been obliterated.  As was said in a quote....you think thier dying is the worst, then they stay dead.  That is what we are 'living' with day after day.  Something we could have never fathomed could be so heavy, yet empty to have to drag with us.  So, as always, you are not alone.  Sound says I just want to skip over but that just leads to another of the same.  It's hard knowing everyday that our intentions to feel better face such a insidious foe.

Love that description...insidious foe; perfect.  You nail it on the head every time.  I also wander aimlessly around the house trying so hard to work up some enthusiasm to do something and, of course, feel better.  I feel like I live in a tomb sometimes.  It is also surreal in the sense that I look around me and everything just sits there, including me.  Everything used to be so alive and fluid in this house (including me).  What a strange condition, and how to escape it.....thinking of everyone, Cookie

[Cookie]

15 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I am truly thankful to have my forum family to help get past these times when nothing makes sense, and I somehow want to crawl into a hole (for a little bit).  Reading the responses brought tears to my eyes; to feel all the caring and compassion.  I don't understand why I cannot allow myself to have all the leeway possible...to be okay with just sitting.  It is true.  I also felt as if I sat on a spring.  Mark did his things, I did my things, and we did our things.  There were many times I sat in my studio for hours working on a project and NEVER felt guilty about what got done.  Mark never made me feel I was wasting time...he LOVED seeing me in my studio.  So now, all of a sudden I look at myself as a slacker because I mostly tidy up a little, take care of the fur babes...but mostly walk around LOOKING at what I could be doing.  There is no urgency.  There is no joy. It eases things knowing I am not going through it all alone.  Thank you all for sharing your stories and feelings and freely giving support.  It is truly appreciated.

Maryann:  I just posted what you said and I'm hearing it from others....that just walking around trying to get enthusiastic to do something but it doesn't happen.  I make myself do things and that is the only way anything gets done, but sometimes I get so tired.  It's been 10 1/2 months (can't quit counting down) and it feels like an eternity.  What I'm afraid of is that it is going to be an eternity of feeling like this.....hugs to you, Cookie

[annew]

Dear Insidious Foe........I have found it most useless to fight you. So go ahead and tear my heart to pieces again.  I give up, if you kill me with pain, you kill me.  You can take all my time and energy and the work I love, you can take all the joy.   You can bring on more abandonment and loneliness beyond words.  You can take it all as you know you have.  I will never believe I deserve this or that it is my fault any more.  One thing I learn from you is that enough is enough.  If suffering is my life now, so be it.  You can't destroy the love and if that is all that remains I will learn to know that and be glad of it.

[kayc]

annew,

I wanted to double-like that!