If You're Going Through Hell

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

 In the end, it's all a matter of faith. 

Boy howdy!

[kayc]

Karen, I'm so sorry about the burning mouth.  I think I'd have to have a permanent fix to ice cream, preferably chocolate, esp. since I can't take Nexium.  Hope you find relief!  I'll have to come back and read everyone else's posts when I get home...

[Margm]

I read other people on this forum's last moments.  I think about my denying Billy the luxury of dying.  I got angry he was giving up.  Then I think and can even hear him say "Don't you know I see the worry in your eyes."  That was all I would allow.  He knew me so well.  That was all that really needed to be said.  He was me and I was him. One day, I hope this sad movie quits playing.

[kayc]

I don't think we need to explore what others believe so much as figure out what we believe.  Your putting it to pen might help you figure it out.

[kayc]

Gwen,

I've heard many others say they feel the second year is harder than the first, so perhaps that's true for you.  It's hard for me to say, it's just different.  I thought the first year was pretty damn hard, I felt I deserved a medal after getting through it.  Maybe we should get another medal after getting through the second year too!

[Patty65]

I think we need those chips -- Grief Chips, like AA.

[kayc]

chips??

[WolfsKat]

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

chips??

In AA programs.....they give you a "chip" (like a coin) for milestones in sobriety...to hold onto as a physical reminder, of sorts, of your continued "doing well"

[MartyT]

I think that's a terrific idea, Patty  ♥

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I thought the first year was pretty damn hard, I felt I deserved a medal after getting through it.  Maybe we should get another medal after getting through the second year too!

And the third, fourth, fifth........

we know our lives will never be the same.

[TerriL]

It never fails. When someone mentions "chips", is it long before the "dip" shows up? And here I am!  I've been having various issues the past week or so, so I haven't been writing much, but I have been reading the posts. When I read them, I then feel even more like I shouldn't be saying anything because so many of you are going through horrible things beyond the grief alone and I am humbled by how you are handling it all. I think my depression kicks in and out. Lately, I've had that feeling of having a heavy, wet, woolen blanket draped over my shoulders constantly, no matter what I'm doing. I'm missing Paul so much and it gets exhausting after a awhile. I finally had the guy come out to do the "green" termite treatment and I had a couple of guys come out to give me quotes on lawn service. One didn't want the job because he prefers doing entire gated residential communities instead of a single residence and the other guy's price for my hedges was ridiculously high, in my opinion. So, my brother in law said he'll come trim a bit off the hedges and he's also begun helping take down the pool. I've gotten pretty much every frog out that was in there and now there are NEW tadpoles. I talked at taking the pool down with the new generation in there, but he convinced me that it will only go on and on and I have to get the disgusting water out of there at some point. So, it made me cry to see parts of it coming down. Tomorrow, the rest of it will probably be taken down. I just wanted to make sure I avoid flooding any of the neighbors' properties with what's left of the water. As it's dismantled, I see a part of my life going with it. Another part that's over now. 

I'm so sorry that everyone is dealing with such difficulties and so much pain. I'll say a blessing for all of us. 

[brat#2]

Terri - no matter how small you think the things that you are going through seem to be, they are not small to you.  Anything, big or small, that changes the way your life use to be is difficult.  We all know that and can feel for you because we have been there too.  It is amazing how much the little changes can hurt so much.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Some are not old enough to remember "CHIPS" with Eric Estrada.  I do know about the AA chips though.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I sure don't know what I would do if I couldn't come here.

I bet we cover the full spectrum of 18+ and all shapes, sizes, colours, and sexes.  Yet we can all relate to the pain each other is suffering.

Sometimes I come here needing to cry and I find someone newly heartbroken and I cry with them.  I feel for all that visit here.  Other times I come here just to see how everyone is doing and I find thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and suggestions that help me see things from other eyes.  I am helped by so many.  Today I came to just sit quietly and think.

Then along comes TerriL

It never fails. When someone mentions "chips", is it long before the "dip" shows up? And here I am! 

You crack me up lady!  

I so needed this giggle, Thank you.

I need everyone who is here and I only wish we could be in a forum with our spouses.

Marita

[Margm]

15 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

they are not small to you. 

Some people on here lost their loved ones after such a short time, and in so doing, they also lost father's and mother's and even children in that time period.  I feel so little some times complaining because I know I was blessed to have Billy for so long.  I am so selfish though, I don't really feel blessed, I wanted him for a longer time, or at least I wanted to go before him.  My dad passed away young at 64, but I was in the midst of fighting for my life and did not have time to mourn him properly.  Years later I just started crying and could not quit because my dad had passed (at least 20 years before).  My mom was a proper person, a very good Christian, and also a terribly mentally disturbed person.  She was very intelligent keeping her bills paid, putting at least $500 a month back into savings.  She always said there was the thin line between genius and insanity.  She was so intelligent.  She sewed, she put  three meals a day on the table, and we ate at the table.  She ruled my father, only because he was too much a gentleman to fight back.  She read her Bible all the time and knew it backward and forward.  But, as bold and brash as she was in her family and our immediate family, she hid on the sidelines around groups of people.  She would faint if there were too many people around her.  Daddy was a deacon and people filed around him after church and Mama hid on the sidelines, no friends, no enemies, just did not want attention.  She finally crossed that fine line and never came back.  Lots to  admire, lots of nightmares.  More nightmares right now because all that money she put back has vanished.  I have enough for the cremation, but if her little mind could be like it used to be she would not understand the financial bind her home and name is in.  So, sometimes it is best to not know anything.

I do something different tomorrow.  I go for a luncheon with my girls I graduated with.  There will be a lot of us, most of us keep up with each other on FB.  I will be going with two of my friends from here.   My only regret is Billy won't be able to see the pictures......but I will, "the one left must stay."  

[TerriL]

Marg, I remember CHIPS with Erik Estrada, but was more of a Rockford Files girl. I have always loved James Garner, may he RIP. Like my Paul, it wouldn't have mattered how old James Garner got, he could still get my motor running. What's that saying? Beauty fades, personality is forever? I'm sure I massacred that one, but you know what I'm getting at.  

Thank you Joyce for the kind, thoughtful words. I know we're all in this together, but there are some weeks when I'll see so many of you struggling with such stressful issues added on to your grief and I'm simply speechless. I feel for all of you who are having such a hard time. 

Marita, if I gave you a smile or laugh today then you have brightened my day, as well! As I said, my "down" moods come and go, but I desperately need to know that I can still laugh and make others do the same. For me, personally, that's the sign that somehow I may eventually be able to break through to the other side of grief. Laughter is like the flip side of crying---they both "purge" you and are both cathartic in their own ways. Thank you for appreciating my humor. Sometimes I've worried that people may view me as too "glib" for a grief support forum, but I assure you, I never make jokes with any disrespect intended. That's simply how my mind works and how I view life. I agree with you that everyone on here has helped me tremendously and I've never before experienced such warmth and generosity in an online community. Once in a while, I forget that none of us have ever met face to face before! I feel as if I know everyone! lol

[TerriL]

I don't know, Marg, I can't stop thinking that Billy WILL see the pictures! You are one who is going through so much and I wish I could do something to help you. I hope you are able to just relax and have a wonderful time with the girls tomorrow. You SO deserve this, Marg! Allow yourself to have this and lose yourself in it for a little while. Some of my friends were flying in for my reunion tomorrow and they had told me they wanted to stop by and see me yesterday, but I haven't heard from them. I'm sure a bunch of alumni are already at the hotel on the beach and probably are more caught up with the ones right in front of them than the one who isn't even attending. 

It's funny what you said about how sometimes it might be best to not know or understand what's going on. When my father was terminally ill and they placed him in a nursing facility, I remember one elderly lady, sitting in the hallway in a wheelchair. When I walked by her after leaving my Dad's room, she smiled, grabbed my hand and said, "Are you coming to the party tonight?" She completely caught me by surprise and I laughed, squeezed her hand and said, "Yes! I'll be there!" She nodded, said, "GOOD!" and let go of my hand and I thought the same as you in that moment. Looking around at that "place", I thought how it was almost a blessing for her to be having parties to go to in her mind. Something fun and pleasant from her past life instead of the sad reality. My dad passed away in October of 2002, so I'm sure that woman is also long gone now. But, I hope in her last moments, she was the "Belle of the Ball". 

On a different note, does anyone else find the new notification funny? I notice that now, you're all giving me "reputation"! Too late! I'm afraid I already gave myself quite the reputation when I was much younger! LOL! 

[Gwenivere]

I agree with you, Terri.  James Garner all the way!   Some guys are just class acts no matter what.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

loved James Garner

Have you watched Murphy's Romance with him and Sally Field.  I don't know how many times I have seen it but will watch it again and again.  Loved James Garner.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

quite the reputation

I was always disappointed my name and number were not written on the bathroom walls.  

[Gwenivere]

Well, Marg, you could consider this a huge bathroom and we've all written your name all over it.  Just need your phone number to add to the traditional saying.....if you want a good time....call Marg at..... 

[brat#2]

Terri, Marg and Gwen - thank you, I needed a good laugh

[Margm]

Oh, I remember my name was written on a wall once (may have mentioned it), an Oriental food store.  I was waiting for bamboo mats and they put my name up by the payphone on the wall and my phone number.  Phone rang about 5:30 a.m. by the police.  Oriental store was broke into and my name was on the wall.  I guaranteed them I had not stolen anything and was waiting  for the bamboo mats.  So, I was famous for 5 minutes once.  I have no idea what my phone number is, I think I have it on my FLIP PHONE  somewhere though.  Changed it to 318 prefix when I moved.  

[Margm]

Okay, this is a good topic to put this under, although I doubt Prince Charles even thinks about it.  I am not sure he would think about it if he was still married to Diana.

July 29th marks what would have been their 35th anniversary.

We suffer through ours, just thought I would mention it.  

[KATPILOT]

Marg I'm not sure how deep the love was and I can't speak for Chuck but an ex is not the same. I doubt he thought that much about Diana but she was the best of the two. I remember when Sonny Bono died and how the media kept covering the grief Cher was going through. I knew even then that his current wife had to be devastated. My thoughts were for that woman. I'll feel bad if my ex dies for we remained friends but the loss of a friend could never compare to what I went and am going through now.