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If You're Going Through Hell


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3 hours ago, Patty65 said:

I'm so glad that you didn't go into the forest.  I'm glad you must stay.

It called to me, no fear, just release, but also my selfish thinking of only me (I do that a lot).  But, I guess I am here for a reason, one to help my sister, her and my son need to grow up, and my daughter, she had already told me she wished it had been me, (so did I),  probably because her daughter lives with me, probably mental, maybe the cysts on her brain.  Who knows.  

My reading for today actually made some sense:  "Faith and doubt are both needed---not as antagonists but working side by side--to take us around the unknown curve" (Lillian Smith)

Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we either have faith or we don't.  It's actually almost never such a black-and-white, either-or duality.

I have found that even the people with the strongest faith wrestle with doubts.  Questioning God is OK.  He can handle it.

I needed that today.  

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Just a warning before I post this: I am on my tablet again, so at any time now, we could be having another gas day. Haha!! 

Kay, I may just do that. I should call the head of the place and see what sort of response I get from her. You're right, it would be different if Paul was here and we just wanted to get rid of the car. But, this had special meaning for me and it did hurt my feelings. 

Joyce and Gwen, I am also guilty of thinking the same things when someone lost their spouse. Earlier last year, I was conversing with some friends on FB and two who are divorced (the ones who never showed up this past weekend) were commiserating about how hard it was to be single again and back in the dating scene in their late 50s, how sad the prospects were, etc. Even that caused me to pray and give deep thanks that I was happily married to the love of my life and never would have to even deal with all that other stuff again. I was so thrilled and relieved it wasn't ME going through that. About five months later, Paul was gone. I know one didn't cause the other, but still, it left me dumbfounded. One moment, I was considering going to the reunion with my sweetheart on my arm, the next, I was alone. 

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1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

I would not want to live our first 10 years together again,

Mine were terrible, horrible, but I would live them all again if I could and not change a thing.  It made the last half of the marriage a better place to be.  No beatings but mental abuse was tough.  He apologized in later life and said he knew he was wrong.  I understood him, but I was mean enough to try to retaliate later, I did, it was not pretty, but he forgave me and never mentioned it.  He took his share of the blame (which did not excuse me) but, we all know I can be a bitch when I want to be.  

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2 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Mine were terrible, horrible, but I would live them all again if I could and not change a thing.  

Marg - I guess you are right, I would live our first 10 years again because is what made our last 24 so good.  We are not perfect human beings and I'm sure we have all done some things we are not proud of to get back at them, but it was being able to forgive each other and move on together is what made it worth the while.

Joyce

 

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Excuse me, SW, but WE need you, too. I do, at least! You have talked me through many a rough moment with your super powers. 

I really loved that quote. I always felt that God would want people who question to follow him. If a theory or belief is true or honorable then it should stand up to any scrutiny. There should be no fear in someone questioning its validity. I know that if I had followers, I would want them to be intelligent and rational, for that type of person could only make ME look good, as well. Who wants to be Queen of the Idiots? 

I also don't think you're selfish, Marg. You're a survivor. Billy is proud of that. 

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Steves and my first 5 years were good.  Then a rough patch for about 10.  Do it again?  In order to wind up where we did,need have to.  Amid the bad made us face the biggest challenges that normally tore people apart, but we won.  I'm glad they are memories tho.  It was a hard struggle and a gamble.  Rarely do people beats the odds.

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I have to say that when I moved from Florida to Pa with my 2 girls to be with Richard it was hard at first. It took some time for everyone to adjust. We got married less than 2 years later. Things were pretty good but Richard was a drinker. Like he drank beer everyday. As the years went on it got to the point that he would come home from work and drink a lot in a short period of time. I never really realized how much he was drinking until things got bad. Then I started to try to take notice to how many beers he was drinking and I was shocked. The night of my youngest daughters 14th birthday we went out to dinner. That night after we got home he said he wasn't feeling well and wanted me to take him to the ER. I did and they ran some tests and wanted to keep him but he refused and wanted to come home. He wanted to come home because he couldn't drink if he was in the hospital. Well a couple of days went by and he wasn't any better. I remember it was a Thursday and I needed to go to the store. He was in the basement(which is where his man cave was and his beer). I came down to tell him I was going to the store and he was drinking and tried to hide it from me. I told him that if he keep drinking that it was going to kill him and I left. By the time I got home he decided that it was time to stop. and he dumped all the beer down the drain. The next morning I took him back to the ER. This time he agreed to stay. He had pancreatitis from the drinking. He was in really bad shape. He spent a week in the hospital and I didn't know if he was going to make it. He did. When I brought him home he could barely walk because he was so weak. This is when I had to tell him that he could never have another drink or else it would kill him. He never did have another beer. He wanted to live. He was so proud of himself and so was I. I loved the sober Richard. Then exactly 1 year and 11 months later he was gone.

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Dear Polly,

I can relate.  Mark was a drinker.  Annually we would end up in the ER with him suffering from pancreatitis or gastritis.  He would be completely dehydrated and drop weight because he couldn't keep anything down.  He went to the ER the Friday after Thanksgiving for the same thing, but this time mentioned he was having pains in his chest, so he got admitted.  Of course when he was released he was told he needed to quit drinking.  Each time he went through this, he would ask for a drug to help him with withdrawal symptoms when he tried to quit.  But it was always short lived.  He didn't hide his purchases very well. The morning he died, when I found him standing in the bathroom and he told me something felt different...he had taken a drink.  I asked him when I went into the living room to see if he was feeling better and he admitted it.  I got REALLY PO'd at the moment.  But it wasn't his drinking that was his cause of death.  It was actually his smoking.  After he died and I cleaned out the room he had been sleeping in...I found so many bottles under the bed, and hidden in the garage.  Those demons had such a strong hold on him.  His dad was an alcoholic...and was his drinking buddy when he lived at home before we were married.  There was a time before we were married that he tried to stop drinking; he was at my home and his hands were shaking and I asked him about it.  Later that evening he called me and told me he was an alcoholic and gave me the option to walk away.  But I saw beyond the illness.  I knew early on that I could not make him quit; he had to do it on his own.  I knew I could not threaten to leave him, because I couldn't walk away from him.  I also know that if it had been me who went first, he would have drunk himself to death.  I could never put myself in his place, because I did not have any addictions.  It's kind of funny.  When I met his mom for the first time, she asked me if I could get him to stop smoking; did not say anything about getting him to stop drinking.  

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Polly,

I am proud of him too because it was no easy feat!  My dad was an alcoholic, and yes, you can be an alcoholic on beer.  My dad drank from the time he got off work (3:00 pm) until he went to bed (9:00 p.m.).  He missed my Father/Daughter banquet when I was a Bluebird (like Brownies)...my mom was the troop leader and it was embarrassing for both of us, another girl's dad had to escort both of us when it came time for awards.  He passed out in my sister's 16th birthday party cake (I guess I should be glad I never got a birthday cake).  Those were the easy memories, I can't even tell the bad memories on here, they're too bad to talk about.  I loved my dad and I'm glad he wasn't a belligerent drunk, and it never cost him a job or a house payment, for which I'm thankful, but oh, it cost, all the same.  It does cloud their thinking.  We always went camping out by ourselves, not at state parks, because he couldn't drink there.  He drove us drunk.  I remember him weaving all over the streets.  I tried to get rides to church with friends so he wouldn't drive.  I don't recall him ever attempting to quit.  When he was in the hospital at the end, he couldn't drink, he was fighting for his life (heart attack) and had to do so without his beer...it must have been hard.  He lost the battle.  We try to remember the good in him, but we've had to deal with the rest as well (therapy).  

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One of the first research articles our doctors wrote, that I typed according to submission rules, was on smokeless tobacco and cancer of the kidneys.  We got it published.  Billy had smoked since he was old enough to be aware of cigarettes.  When he was in the ER in his 40s he was admitted to the ICU.  He was fixing to have a stroke, his blood pressure could never be brought under control.  I went back to our medical library (no Google back then) and researched and researched.  No, I was not a doctor, but I understood medical terminology, it was my job.  They called it malignant hypertension and said he would have to be on 2-3 meds the rest of his life, which they were not too enthused about.  I started crying.  I told the doctor that maybe he had too much renin in his blood work, the doctor scoffed at me.  But, to his credit, he checked for kidney function and his creatinine was so high they did other tests.  He had three kidney arteries and two were occluded.  They put stents in his arteries and Billy slowly weaned himself off cigarettes.  But, nicotine had control of him and he dipped Copenhagen the rest of his life.  When he died, the cancer was all over him, in his adrenal glands next to his kidneys and all over his insides, liver eat up.  Billy was a "health nut" and took so many vitamins, so many different pills to help him be healthy and was so proud he had cut down the Copenhagen to a couple of cans a week.  It was too late though and we thought all his symptoms were related to his slipped disks.  You cannot go back and change a thing.

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18 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 You cannot go back and change a thing.

Marg, ain't that the truth! I still have my moments of weakness, but I have been trying very hard to stop the ruminating. It was keeping me crying, keeping me up at nights, keeping me angry, etc. Of course I know NOW everything Paul and I should have done! But, back in those moments, back when it could have made a difference, we had no CLUE. I had my suspicions---I tried to persuade Paul to let me take him to the ER the day he woke up with the vision gone in his good eye and I was very unhappy at how the retina specialist was handling Paul's situation. That doctor tested Paul and knew the vision loss was not due to his eye and yet wasted an entire extra day sending us down to Miami to more eye specialists, where Paul had the second, final stroke from which he would not recover. The morning we were going to make that trip to Miami, I was so upset. Paul thought it was because he was "inconveniencing" everyone. OMG, nothing could be farther from the truth!!! None it was Paul's fault! I was angry at the doctor we had seen the day before, angry because somehow, deep inside of me, I just KNEW that going to Miami was a mistake and angriest of all at myself. I wish I was forced Paul to go to the ER that Saturday morning. Now, I'll never know how things might have turned out if Paul had gotten the PROPER tests, diagnosis and treatment that very first day instead of allowing FOUR days to go by. The real irony of it was that Paul went for years without going to doctors and was always so healthy, other than he had high blood pressure. When we both started having those symptoms and weight loss, we finally began seeing a doctor on a regular basis and Paul had even begun taking blood pressure medication. He was told that he was "pre-diabetic" but the doctor said he could try changing his diet and such before using meds for that. Paul also drank beer, but had cut down years before. On his death certificate, the hospital put "diabetes mellitus" as a contributing factor to his strokes. His primary care doctor never gave him a diagnosis of "diabetes mellitus". I don't know. We had vials and vials of blood taken and you just place yourself in the hands of these so-called "professionals" and hope they know what they're doing. But, now, after realizing that my inner voice was actually CORRECT, even over the so-called "professionals", my gut and heart are what I will allow to take precedence over anything anyone tells me again. If something seems "wrong" or "off" to me, I will heed it. If I'd done that when Paul woke up that morning or even right after he had seen that "retina specialist" (Paul was still seemingly okay other than the loss of vision at that point), Paul might still be here today and I wouldn't be in this living hell right now. However, as you say: You cannot go back and change a thing.

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Billy never thought he would live past his 70's.  Me, in my best God performance, I told him he was.  True, all family passed away, even cousins, before age 72.  His mom had lived to 72, all others before their 70's.  I took his blood pressure, and once a couple of years ago, I detected a missed heart beat.  I got him an appointment at local clinic.  We were no strangers to this clinic.  Fast appointment with cardiologist.  Follow-up, all tests, everything okay.  Mole on his back bled, direct appointment with dermatologist.  With our insurance we did not have to wait for referrals.  That taken care of, followed up, and two appointments each year with his nephrologist.  In fact, one the last of August, last year.  We never got a bill.  The doctor was a family friend.  I helped get Billy to 75, but my performance of God got no stars. 

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SW, Paul always made remarks about how he would not live long enough to ever see our cat Frankie get old (Frankie just turned 3 at the start of August) or other, similar remarks and I would become so angry at him. I'd tell him that what you keep putting in to your brain (negative OR positive) is what can end up manifesting in life. I saw it as a "jinx". I always thought Paul took after his father more and his father's father---they had health issues like diabetes and COPD, but lived until they were 85. I felt sure that, since Paul didn't smoke and was trying to eat more healthily and got plenty of exercise working out in the yard, he would perhaps even live PAST that 85 year mark. That's what I wanted with all my heart. Unfortunately, it seems as if he must have taken after his mother more. She died at age 60, suddenly and unexpectedly, while at work. She had a blood clot travel to her heart, had a heart attack and just dropped. They tried to revive her but couldn't. She was heavy smoker and drinker, so I felt that Paul had escaped a fate like that. But, he didn't even end up living as long as HE thought he would. As I have said before, we were talking about how we were going to celebrate our Silver wedding anniversary, which would have been next year and also he was talking about his 70th birthday, which was still three years away at the time. So, he had no plans to go as early as he did. No inkling, whatsoever. Nor did I. 

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Just a little something else.  Billy used to be the one to drive the "short bus" to the different clinics, hospital appointments and tests for all the family, and I don't know why we called it the short bus.  Now, it is me.  I have to take my daughter to her psych appointment this morning.  I don't mind. My mom is in a lot of pain.  This is new.  She is bedridden now and develops decubitus ulcers.  Still her little Alzheimer's spark in her brain lives.  

I think sometimes clarity comes on us at different times.  I will forget about it for awhile.  I now live in an apartment that is one of the oldest in my town.  I remember them from living here before.  They are perhaps the best kept apartments of any that have been built.  Other than a washer and dryer inside the apartment, I have no complaint.  My window looks out on the basketball court across the street, the many grills and places for people to picnic.  The very nice swimming pool and crape myrtles everywhere.  Not cheap, just old.  

They have many senior apartments in this small town.  The town itself is still 10 times bigger than what I left, but I did not want one of those senior apartments.  I wanted to be where I could see life.  I saw wild life at the other place, animals, birds, and I see wildlife here, humans.  I knew at the senior apartments there would be ambulances often.

This morning an ambulance came by, slow, followed by three police cars, slow.  You knew why they were in no hurry.  Down to the very end of the street.  I know I have not met the people who live down probably eight or more apartment buildings away.  Reminded me of a John Donne poem I have heard all my life.  Just as significant now as it was in 1621.

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee."

15 minutes ago, TerriL said:

No inkling, whatsoever

WW, we all fight for that miracle.  I think sometimes it happens.  I felt it happened twice for my own health.  Now those miracles seems empty, just like we all feel most of the time.  My heart is with all of us. 

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That's beautifully put, SW. I relate to you so much because you articulate so many of my own preferences in life and my thoughts on this world. One of the first things brought up to me by my relatives when Paul passed was if I'd considered selling my home, with the yard that  needs to be maintained, and moving into a condo. Uh.....no. And NEVER a 55 and older type of place. No offense to any on here who have enjoyed living in a community like that, but for me, it just is not suited to why personality. I want to be around LIFE, people of ALL ages and occupations. I may have had to part with my pool and banana trees, but I want to replace it with something vibrant and again, full of life. I need that reminder that there is still much beauty to be had in this world and that nature is still my sanctuary. 

I'm so sorry about your mom being in pain, Marg. At her age and with her illness, one can only hope that she can be kept comfortable until the end. That's all any of us can hope for, I suppose. Your mom is one heck of a fighter!! I bow to the mightiness of her spirit! 

On a personal note, I knew it was most likely only a matter of time, but I had another major blow out this morning with brother in law. I was trying to explain where my mind is at grief-wise in a way he could understand. I was comparing things going on with me to certain things he would not like if they were happening out on his own property. He said I was "chewing him out": and then launched into one of his childish tirades about how :"nothing is getting done". Once again, he cites my husband's car as proof that NOTHING is getting done and also the fact that my lawn is getting longer again because I've been on a search for a lawn service and won't hire just any guy with a truck and mower that comes along. He showed up today to finish a few things with what's left of the pool and he went across the street to the neighbor's laws service and made a deal with them to start doing my lawn regularly. I had thought of asking them for a card the next time they were in the neighborhood myself, but I would have appreciated being brought in on the talk so I'd know exactly how I'm supposed to pay them and all that other stuff. My brother in law isn't the one who is going to be here every time they show up, I am. Plus, it's my house and lawn. What really angers me the most is that my BIL insults my husband, insults ME, and think's he is the ONLY one who knows the right way to do everything. I don't know what his Mommy taught him growing up, but he always thinks he knows more than everyone else, whom he considers "beneath" him. He was pressuring me, asking when I was going to do something with Paul's car. I didn't tell him that I'd been in contact with another charity we support to see if they would take the vehicle. I still said nothing to him because I was so insulted by his tone and I said "When I'm good and ready, because that car belonged to Paul." He said Paul doesn't matter. He claims he gave me a "90 day break" back earlier this year when things weren't getting done so he could allow for my grief. But, now, things STILL aren't getting done to his satisfaction. First off, he didn't give me a break. He threw a temper tantrum about doing my yard, told me to hire a lawn service and I never contacted him again. I didn't NEED so-called "help" like that. Here's a news flash for him. I still DON'T. I told him maybe he should just go the hell home to his wife, his acreage and pond with water fountains and all this crap and give me another break. They can sit on their patio and talk down about me all they want to and I won't have to listen to any of it. These are the times I get angry with Paul for leaving me. How could he leave me in the clutches of these people?

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Terri - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with difficult people like that and being "family" at that!  I guess to an extent, I'm lucky that I don't have "family" close enough to me to intervene like that, I would have done the same thing, tell him to go home.  They just don't understand what a difficult time this is and how much longer it is going to be difficult and stressful that we don't need added to it.  I do know the feeling of being angry that they left us to have to try to deal with all this by ourselves.  Hope the rest of you day goes better and you can find a little peace.

Joyce

 

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My Hell today :-  I feel so discouraged by the world as it appears to me.

Where did compassion go?  

Are manners hidden somewhere?  

Common sense is an oxymoron now.  

Strangers are more compassionate than family... why?  

When Gord was alive a lot of things didn't bother me half as much as they do now.  I guess it's because he isn't here to digest things with me, he was great at that.  Time alone gives only 1 person's perspective and mine often holds me back.

Too much to do.  Fix fences and gates, roof repairs, car repairs, selling cars, housework, yard work.  No plans for 'me time'.  So what happens?  I do nothing productive, nothing that gives me satisfaction, and I feel like 'what difference does it make'.  Feeling that way is not productive either.  Circle, everything is part of a circle.

 

well i says to myself, ifin' I doesn't git to it now I might git round to it next time.....

 

 

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Marita - it is so much harder when we are alone.  I feel the same way most of the time, where did common courtesy, manners go.  I know you are right that when Dale was still with me, all that was still here, but I had him to tell about it and he could always make me feel better.  Just like today, I needed a new tire for the van and I went to the shop and they didn't have a new one in the size I needed.  Of course, being a woman alone, they thought they could strong arm me into getting a little smaller tire, saying it wouldn't make a difference.  I wouldn't do it, I want a new tire in the exact size as the others, so they finally ordered one (will be in tomorrow) and after looking at 2 used ones, but the better one on until tomorrow.  Also told them I wasn't going to pay full price for the new tire when it came in because it's not my fault they didn't have the size I needed, so they are going to give me credit of what I paid today toward the new one.  I would probably be ok with the used tire, but I would just feel better having a new one put on.  When I got home I so wanted to tell Dale what I did so he could beam and say "that's my girl", but no one was here.  I think he would be proud of me.

Joyce

 

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SW, I understand the law, which is: no matter how many power struggles my BIL attempts to engage me in, he WON'T win. Bottom line: my name is on the house, the vehicles----all of it. And because i see I can never trust them, no one in my blood family will be named executrix of my will, or my power of attorney or my medical surrogate. I have a goddaughter and good friends who know my wishes and have promised to honor them if the time should come for that. I'm trying to keep my head up. First, I had to take two Tylenol for my head ACHE. lol

Joyce and Marita, I know what you both mean. Before I completely lost my coo, I attempted to explain to him what it was like for me in a way I felt he could relate. I asked how he would feel if I suddenly decided on my own that I felt the fountain he put in his pond with the water lilies was far too much upkeep for him to worry about and so I just went ahead and hired some guys to show up and take it all out and cart it away. That's when he said something along with the lines of, "When you're done chewing me out..." I looked at him and said, I'm not chewing you..." he wouldn't let me finish, before he raises his voice and say, "Yes, you are!" and then begins insulting my husband and insulting me and speaking to me in his usual condescending manner. If someone doesn't automatically fall in line with whatever HE wants, the way HE wants it, he chooses to perceive their explanations as "chewing him out". He kept repeating nothing was getting done and i kept repeating that that was NOT true. There are things I've done that he knows nothing about, simply because it has nothing to do with HIM. Only ME. I don't owe him any explanation for making my own decisions. He also keeps calling me a "girl", which only represents him trying to keep me in an inferior position. I correct him. I'm 57 years old. I'm not a girl. I have an AARP card, for crying out loud! lol 

It's sad to say, but I'm getting to the point where I think I'd rather pay a stranger to do what needs to get done so it's done MY way rather than save money by allowing family to do it. Because, let's face it. There is ALWAYS a price of some sort to pay. I may save a few bucks when my BIL gets involved, but what price am I paying in my increased stress levels. I am subjected to repeated verbal and mental abuse by a jerk who can't stand not being able to call all the shots. He does not respect Paul nor does he respect my wanting to gain some independence. That's TOO high a price to pay, in my opinion. (By the way, when I had that "break" from him? I still had the stress of losing Paul, but my constant stress levels went down significantly.)

 

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Joyce, I'm certainly proud of you for standing your ground! I am so tired of these jerks who think they can push a woman around or think she'll buy whatever line they hand her. 

SW, I do believe I am going to keep the rift a permanent one this time around. I've had it and the more I keep thinking of how he insulted me, Paul, my home, the more sure I am that I am DONE with him. I keep hearing in my head when I told him I had hired a lawn service but they were killing my grass, "You don't HAVE grass, you have WEEDS!!!". This is coming from a 71 year old man, believe it or not. You have no idea how restrained I am being right now because the things I'd really like to say about him are not family friendly! Lol

We all deserve huge hugs today!

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