If You're Going Through Hell

[Widowedbysuicide]

I feel your pain and wish I could ease it.  Be kind to yourself today.

[kayc]

Karen,

We don't have community services or referrals, I live in the country. Haven't found teenagers interested in working either, too into their technology/gadgets, it's different than when my kids were young.  You have to be careful with strangers too that they aren't casing your place out to come back and rob you when you're gone.  Hate to sound pessimistic but been there!

I hope they give you an extension if it's rainy this week, can't mow when it rains!

[Polly]

Today is 9 months for me. I'm trying to stay busy but that is hard. I think I need someone to give me a push out of this chair. This sucks.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Life and death to me are a riddle with no answers.

I think about the internal feelings of life and death.  Life was being with someone that cared about me and I mattered to at least one other person in the world.  Now that that is gone, I am alive but dead.  The word existence was used.  That works too.

i so want to care about SOMETHING, but I don't.  I try.  I am too used to sharing life with Steve.  I see the things I/he would have cared about, but alone they mean nothing.  I've never been alone before even when I lived by myself.  There was always a best friend, a boyfriend, work colleagues, my parents.  Some kind of connection with others of my species beyond the little blips with strangers when I am out and about.  It's ironic because I treasured my alone time amid all the people.  Now it's my prison.

All the questions of 'what now'?  That is my day.  But first I have to get thru waking up.  I want to go back to the oblivion of sleep, but the mind hammers me about what I already know.  Another day alone no matter what I do.  

Heres another ironic twist.  I had a dream last night we came home.  I saw a car at our gate and knew it was him.  It frightened me because I didn't know how I would react to actually seeing him since I have become this she'll of the person I once was.  I woke before actually seeing him, but it shakes me that I was more afraid than happy about it.  That used to be what I wanted more than anything and in reality still do.  I am more that confused why I was so afraid.  

[Gwenivere]

Polly, I know the feeling.  Busy with.....what?  Meaninglessness is like the roommate from hell.

[Gin]

Polly,.  These months are so hard.  I start fretting about it in the middle of the month...it is coming soon.  You made 9, I made 10.  We are still miserable.

Gin

[TerriL]

Gin and everyone,

At the risk of being repetitive---I know there were complaints about "not enough dialogue"---I'm not sure what more I can say than "Me, too." Especially when you already have people telling you that you are "less than", even though you know it isn't true, you think you're the only one not knowing what to do with the days you've been given. I wake up---late this morning, because I had a hard time sleeping. Not because of stress of the day but because of making the mistake of watching the news before bedtime. Horrible. But, day after day, I know I've been wanting to go through my old books, my clothes, whatever else to throw some things out and make room. But, I have no focus, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything. Like most of you, I look out the window at the world going by and I don't know what to do with myself. Anywhere I would go, it would be alone. All the things I loved doing with Paul would not be the same without him. My daily life is no longer the same without him. It truly is more of an existence than a life. My essence went with Paul and left an empty shell behind to walk the house. 

Kay, thank you for the information about weed whackers! Paul's weed whacker is still in the shed, but I'm giving this lawn service a try and see how they do. They whacked everything yesterday. You are so right about being careful about strangers who might be casing your place with ulterior motives. I'm always aware of that. In fact, right after Paul passed, I was wondering how long it might be before neighbors would realize he was no longer here and that I was alone. The neighbor woman next door to me helps those kinds of things along, since she gossips. I haven't had any problems so far, knock on wood, but you always need to be careful. 

I hear a lot about how I "need to get out of the house". And go where? And do what? 

[Gwenivere]

Well, Terri, you could develop a myriad of physical problems like I have and get the thrill of seeing doctors all the time now.  But I don't recommend it.  They aren't exactly what I would call connection to the world socially.  They always want to stay on point when I desoerately want to talk about a TV show or the Trump circus.  

[Margm]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

i so want to care about SOMETHING, but I don't.

I "think" I care.  I know I should be right at my mother's side.  I am letting my sister down.  Nothing I can do but maybe turn her ever so often, but that hurts her too.  My sister is wanting me to go ahead and pay the funeral home, but somehow that seems ghoulish.  I have no feelings for pets.  I won't hurt them but I don't want them.  A little autistic boy in the psych office yesterday (about 10 or 11 years old) tried to pull my Kindle out of my hands and then put his head over it  I did not recoil from him, but I would not let him have my Kindle.  I know it cannot be helped, his autism, but my lack of patience is not like me at all.  I have 100% patience dealing with my 17-year-old granddaughter but had none whatsoever with my great granddaughter after seeing her for the first time.  I do not go around kicking animals and children, but I have no patience being around them at all. I was around all my friends, probably about 20 of them (I had had a Xanax) and was very talkative and friendly with them the whole day.  It is almost like I am just too tired to put up with anything that is not necessary.  I do go out.  By that I mean I go to Walmart, take my granddaughter to the counselor, take my daughter to the doctor, but I was not this mean before Billy left.   

[Widowedbysuicide]

Today marks the beginning of the 8th month for me.  I feel not too bad in my life right now, I know that it will fluctuate, but I am aknowledging and thankful for how I feel here and now.  I don't know what 'my personal hell' yet to come on this grief journey is, but judging by how these first seven months have been I know that it isn't going to be a picnic.  I have to keep reminding myself that I can only do so much and in order to survive my basic human needs have to be met.  I'm the only one who can do that for me is myself, but really, I'm doing it for my lost love too.  He loved me completely and always wanted me to be well and as happy as possible.  Now, I need to show him that with all the skills he gave me, all the lessons we learned together, and all the love we shared, I will be okay.  Not today, and not most days even when my life and the grief calms down, but some days there will be a me he will be happy to see.  I've been told that it is good to live in the moment and that is what I'm aiming to do today, and now.

I am just so sad that there are so many good people on here whose hearts are broken and they are suffering so deeply.  You all are in my heart and I am wishing for comfort for you all.

Marita

 

If it is possible I wish you all could care for and about yourself as you partner would if he/she were here.  It could help your heart and be a way to honour your darling.  

 

 

[iPraiseHim]

Grief takes energy. Dealing with ailing people take energy. Living takes energy. 

I am not used to children around especially the screaming, pout-y, tantrum prone ones. I am even less patient with myself.  I'm not sure what I would do if a kid tried to take my phone or tablet.

There is no timetable as to when we "get over" grief.  I believe we learn to live with it just as we learn to accept the reality of our beloved death.

I know my wife died. However, my heart still yearns for her presence, her love, her companionship.  As each day passes, It is a step closer to accepting her death on all levels of my life.  I don't know when that will happen. 

I realize that my joy and excitement for life was inextricably connected to her.  I function and appear to be "normal" to the casual observer, But there is a loss of the full joy of life that I experienced with my beloved wife.  Now it is replaced with loneliness and grief.  I hope to continue to move and keep walking forward.  Shalom

[Widowedbysuicide]

Bless you George!

[Margm]

Thank you George.  Honestly, Billy could not stand for me to get angry with him.  If I got angry with him he would stay angry with me until I apologized over and over for being angry with him.  I miss that Billy the Kid so much.  When we first got married, he would stay angry with me for a week at a time.  I was never the type to stay angry long.  So maybe him leaving me, and him saying I was him and he was me, maybe I am him.  If I am, I sure miss me.  

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

My sister is wanting me to go ahead and pay the funeral home

Marg,

There was a funeral home in Eugene for countless years...they took money for prepaid burials. One day they folded and people were left with no way to bury their loved ones as it was caught up in nasty litigation/bankruptcy/legal issues.  Meanwhile they had to come up with more $ to do their burials elsewhere.  I'd pay when the services are rendered.
 

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

my lack of patience is not like me at all.

It's taking all you have to deal with your grief, your mom, your other family members, your move, your medical issues.  Is it any wonder you feel tapped out?!

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I need to show him that with all the skills he gave me, all the lessons we learned together, and all the love we shared, I will be okay.  Not today, and not most days even when my life and the grief calms down, but some days there will be a me he will be happy to see.  I've been told that it is good to live in the moment and that is what I'm aiming to do today, and now.

Very well put!

[kayc]

13 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I hope to continue to move and keep walking forward.

What more can we do?!

[TerriL]

Gwen,

I have had a lifelong anxiety disorder and was diagnosed several years ago with an autoimmune condition (Crohns). Back in 2013, I began losing weight for no discernible reason, every joint in my body was so excruciatingly painful and stiff that I could not walk or sit down and get up from a chair without great pain and struggle. I could not raise my arms, could not cross them over my body in front or in back. I was basically crippled. Strangely enough, a year after I got this and was slowly recovering and regaining my range of motion in my joints, Paul came down with all the same symptoms, even the unexplained weight loss. (He was only told he had "bone spurs", but I feel now that he had diabetes and was not properly diagnosed or treated. Of course, I cannot prove this, so there you go. But, bone spurs do not cause unexplained weight loss and he was never given a reason for that.) We spent our last several years together going to the lab together for our blood work, going to the doctor together for our check ups. I was supposed to go the end of last year for my appointment (Paul and I both were scheduled to go), but of course, Paul passed away and I have just not had the energy nor the inclination to deal with all that. I don't want to go to the lab where Paul and I would sit together, waiting for our names to be called. I don't hear that great in my right ear and Paul would kind of "be my ears" for me when we'd check in and the receptionist would ask information. Now, I'm going to have to deal with all this alone. Im having a difficult time going anywhere that Paul and I went together all the time. I'm thinking of changing doctors because of this deep despair I feel at the thought of sitting, for the first time, in a place where Paul and I always sat together. 

George, I love how you put it. That carefree, full-on joy of life I used to have is no longer there. Everything---the grief, the decisions and dealing with day to day life alone, take so much energy and you become depleted much more easily than before. It's a lonely life, even in the company of others. It's like I have had three lives: BP, WP and AP. Before Paul, With Paul and now, After Paul. And if you have a strong intolerance for screaming, pout-y, tantrum prone children? I hope you never meet my brother in law! Haha! 

[iPraiseHim]

BRA, WRA, ARA, I too have those same lives, before Rose Anne, With Rose Anne, and after Rose Anne.  My sister has two children and each of them have two children. I see them periodically but I can leave after a few hours.  They are cute and loved to play but their high shrills and screams are unsettling.  I'm just not used to it.  I think if we raise children I would have been more tolerant.  I don't know.  But I have a friend who has 4 children, 16 grandchildren, and two great gran children and she says that she cant tolerate the noise either.  lol  

[mittam99]

19 hours ago, Gin said:

Polly,.  These months are so hard.  I start fretting about it in the middle of the month...it is coming soon.  You made 9, I made 10.  We are still miserable.

Gin

On 8/4/2016 at 10:41 PM, Gin said:

I made it through  the 10 month anniversary.  Kept very busy.  It sure does not get easier.

Gin

 

Gin, I hope what I'm about to say doesn't rub you (or anyone) the wrong way. I'm posting this out of the affection I have for all who post here...

Sometimes I think we get too hung up on the emotions of those dates like 6 months, or 10 months etc...

Here's the thing, or at least "the thing" as I've come to see it after 17 months (yes today is 17 months since my beloved Tammy died). The day Tammy died (March 6, 2015) was the worst day of my life. The day I lost everything. The day it felt like my world ended. The day my life forever changed for the worst. The day one of the world's most special women lost her battle with insurmountable illnesses. That's the tragic day forever etched in my brain

At the beginning you counts the hours. Then you count the days. Then you realize it's been a month or maybe two. All of the sudden you think,  "how could six months have gone by"?.  At one year you think "How on earth have I lived a year like this, without my precious Tammy?". Days sometimes feel like they drag on forever but then you look at the calendar and the months have whizzed by. It's all very, very painful and overwhelming.

So here's my point...

The day we lost our soul mate was the worst day of our lives. Every single day after is painful and empty and in many cases, meaningless. We long for our lost love every day. There are reminders every day that they are gone. And yet, we create these painful "anniversaries" like 3 months, 6 months etc. to face with additional dread.  Ultimately, isn't it just another miserable, lonely day in our grief journey? Let's face it, every day is a painful reminder that our loved one was taken away from us.

Mitch

 

[Gin]

Who are right, Mitch.  The additional anniversary dates are really no different than all the other days.  I hope someday I will actually have to think about it if someone asks me how long it has been.  Not yet, but someday.

Gin

[TerriL]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

BRA, WRA, ARA, I too have those same lives, before Rose Anne, With Rose Anne, and after Rose Anne.  My sister has two children and each of them have two children. I see them periodically but I can leave after a few hours.  They are cute and loved to play but their high shrills and screams are unsettling.  I'm just not used to it.  I think if we raise children I would have been more tolerant.  I don't know.  But I have a friend who has 4 children, 16 grandchildren, and two great gran children and she says that she cant tolerate the noise either.  lol  

George, I'm a lot like the kids----so I completely relate to them----and when Paul and I could not have kids of our own, we helped raise our goddaughter. She was and still is the shining light of our lives. I enjoy my great nephew (he just turned 6) and now, my great niece (although she's a newborn and doesn't do much but sleep, eat, poo and sleep again---hmmmm, much like a cat--lol) and I run around with my nephew and yell, too. I've always been an active person with a high adrenaline output and kids help me channel that energy. I feel better after being around them. They treat me like I'm one of them, which makes me feel that way, like my reality is suspended for a short period of time. For those moments I'm playing with them or watching them play, I experience and lose myself in the other side of life for a while. The happy, fun side. I will return to grieving for my Paul, but for a short time, I laugh and act goofy. Anyone who knows me well, knows that at holidays, I've always preferred to sit at the kids' table to the adults'. It's more interesting and way more fun.  

[mittam99]

Terri, I too was always most comfortable at the kids table. Tammy and I always said we were kids at heart. Adults can be so lame and boring!

-------------------------

For the past couple days, it feels like I haven't been crying as much. There's a certain "guilt" that you feel. I mean, I know I love Tammy with all my heart and always will but why are there less tears? You start wondering if you are simply getting "used to" this life of emptiness. And then all of the sudden, out of nowhere a grief trigger tears your heart out. I was watching a TV show today and there was a scene of a terrorist attack. A man goes searching for his lost boy and finds him underneath the rubble... lifeless. I could feel the emotion in my stomach and then the pain rushed to my head and I burst into uncontrollable tears. When the man held the boy in his arms, I lost it and screamed out "I can't watch this!!!", fumbling for the remote so I could fast forward past the scene.

All of the sudden I was transported back to March 6, and the overwhelming pain of Tammy losing her life. Seeing her lifeless in my mind was too much to take.

This grief will be with me forever because as long as my heart beats, it will beat out of love for Tammy.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Ultimately, isn't it just another miserable, lonely day in our grief journey?

No matter what the day is, nothing is as horrible as the day we lost them, even though shock shielded us somewhat.  I figure if I survived that day and the day after, I can survive anything.  Once I made it past the year of "firsts without" (first birthday without George, first anniversary without him, first Christmas without, etc.) I felt I deserved a medal for making it through that, so one day at a time, continued making it through whatever came that day.

When I first lost George I thought, "I can't do forty years without him!"  It terrified me!  I learned not to look at the rest of my life without him, and take this day, one day.  I have GAD (anxiety) and I am under treatment for it, plus I do prayer and meditation, it helps.  It also helps not to invite anxiety by dwelling on what is to come.  I've found that sometimes the anticipation of the dreaded "date" is worse than the day itself.  I do think the anniversary of their death, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, those are hard enough without making an anniversary of every 19th of the month...that's too much for me to handle!

One day at a time, THAT I can handle!

[TerriL]

Mitch, I was worrying about that same issue recently. I felt guilty, because I didn't seem to be crying as much over missing Paul. But, the other day, I was playing Pandora radio as I balanced my checkbook online and a Fleetwood Mac song came on that I associated with the first summer Paul and I ever spent together as a couple. I was trying so hard to concentrate on what I was doing, but I finally put down my pen and burst into tears. I just called out for him. I'll think I'm handling my situation, adjusting to being alone, but I never really do. I feel as if all I do is bury it and the right song or the right moment in a movie or TV show, kicks the dirt off and exposes every raw nerve. It's always there, just below the surface.

Kay, right after Paul died, I spent all my time in abject terror. I'd wake with a start in the middle of the night (if I got to sleep at all) and there would be this tight, gnawing knot of dread and fear clutching at my stomach. I would be shaking. I was the same way---"How am I going to live the rest of my life without him? What is there left for me if he isn't here alongside of me?" Then, the images of all the places we'd visit regularly or things we enjoyed doing together would start to play in an endless loop in my mind and it would dawn on me that that life was suddenly over--for good. The only thing that worked for me, the only way I could doze back off, was to stop myself in my tracks and say, "Don't think so far ahead. For NOW, you can take a deep breath in and breathe out. For NOW, you can relax the muscles in your arms and legs." Forcing myself to remain in the moment was the only way I could keep my head together and stay sane. I've written before on the forum how miserable I was the entire month of January, dreading the impending 34th anniversary of our first date on January 25th. I was constantly playing the music popular at that time (music is one of my passions, so it's always a trigger or touch stone for important memories), remembering how we got together and the feelings of being giddy and head over heels in love with each other. I was sobbing and wallowing in it all. The day of the actual anniversary, after a very anxious night with little sleep, I suddenly felt this calmness come over me a half hour after getting up, almost as if Paul had his arms around me. I was able to make some strides in a few areas I'd been dealing with and actually ended up having a wonderful day. That night, I sat quietly, reading, and every so often, I'd look up at the clock, thinking about what we were doing at that time----when he picked me up, when we were eating dinner, when we were sitting and talking, when he took me home and especially when we both realized the depth of our feelings for each other. I remembered it all. It was comforting and it made me realize I'd do it all over again, good and bad, just as long as I could relive those feelings and my life with him.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Previous posts from Mitch with some editing by me, I hope that is ok Mitch - there is no intension to change your thoughts and feelings.  I just feel I need to reiterate your wisdom in the way I would like to express it for my grief belief.

Sometimes I think we get too hung up on the emotions of those dates like 6 months, or 10 months etc...

Here's the thing, or at least "the thing" as I've come to see it after 17 months (yes today is 17 months since my beloved Tammy died). The day Tammy died (March 6, 2015) was the worst day of my life. The day I lost everything. The day it felt like my world ended. The day my life forever changed for the worst. The day one of the world's most special women lost her battle with insurmountable illnesses. That's the tragic day forever etched in my brain...
…Days sometimes feel like they drag on forever but then you look at the calendar and the months have whizzed by. It's all very, very painful and overwhelming.

So here's my point...

The day we lost our soul mate was the worst day of our lives. Every single day after is painful and empty and in many cases, meaningless. We long for our lost love every day. There are reminders every day that they are gone. And yet, we create these painful "anniversaries" like 3 months, 6 months etc. to face with additional dread. Ultimately, isn't it just another miserable, lonely day in our grief journey? Let's face it, every day is a painful reminder that our loved one was taken away from us.

For the past couple days, it feels like I haven't been crying as much. There's a certain "guilt" that you feel. I mean, I know I love Tammy with all my heart and always will but why are there less tears? You start wondering if you are simply getting "used to" this life of emptiness. And then all of the sudden, out of nowhere a grief trigger tears your heart out… All of the sudden I was transported back to March 6, and the overwhelming pain…in my mind was too much to take. This grief will be with me forever because as long as my heart beats, it will beat out of love for Tammy. 

 

You are speaking what has been in my heart and on my mind for a few months Mitch.  Although I am still very new to this journey, 7 months, I have been hard to understand grief.  I know that there will be many times of deep sorrow but there will also be times for some joy.  My Gord's presence will always be missed but he will remain in my heart forever.

"the thing" for me is to remember the good memories and things and to celebrate them. I will not forget the the bad things; but I need not to dwell on painful memories. It will take all of the love Gord and I have for each other together for me to make this journey.  I always said to him that when I died, it was assumed it would be me first because of my mental health issues, I did not want him to be swallowed by grief. I wanted him to go on and live a real life; not burden his heart with visiting a grave or making a shrine for me. I told him that I believe that life is meant to be lived with joy and finding someone to love and be loved by: I wanted love, joy, and fulfilment for him.  He acknowledged my wishes without question. Funny, his Mother would say, 'and will you be able to do that when he dies'.  

I shall honour my Gord by living my life as I wanted him to live his. He will live forever in my heart and in our son. Gord was the beginning of the best things that ever happened to me.  

In loving memory of my knight in shining coveralls - I hope you will be ready for me when my time comes to reunite with you: I am ready today.

February 5, 1959, Nanaimo, BC to January 5, 2016, Black Creek, BC