If You're Going Through Hell

[Widowedbysuicide]

Terri, I love your post.  You are an inspiration for many on here.  Thank you.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, I think it is human nature to be aware of dates and time passing.  I think it's just how we are wired.  I notice it about other things when seeing pictures or hearing the ages of former friends kids.  And those are pretty benign.  This loss is with us daily and  even if we don't keep a daily tally, something will happen to jolt bus into how long it has been.

Terri, I am going on 31 years with panic disorder.  This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced and the anxiety my worst enemy.  I read an article that said anxiety should be part of the grief cycle.  A big part.  I've only picked up more docs since Steve died.  Faced dealing with them alone.  But our primary care doc and the lab we shared.  I usually did those alone, but there were times we hit the lab together, if only because we were close by and someone needed a blood draw or something.  The thing that gets to me is now that I am facing bigger issues, I do have to do it alone.  No one waiting for me in the waiting area.  Always feels so odd to walk out by myself.  No familiar face waiting to ask how it went.  The worst part is always coming home even after shopping and there is no one to talk to.  The dogs go bonkers, but they always did.  Just once it would be nice to say 'I'm home!' and hear a reply.

[TerriL]

Marita, that was such a nice thing to say. I certainly don't hold myself up as inspiration, I'm slogging along like everybody else, but thank you so much for your kindness. It lifted my spirits!  

[TerriL]

Gwen,

Okay, I've had panic disorder, too, complicated at times by agoraphobia, for---wait, I'm counting---lol---42 years. When I originally began having panic attacks in school at 15, no one knew what was wrong with me and it wasn't until my early 30s that I finally discovered what I had and that I wasn't alone. As is the case with anxiety, I've had good and bad periods throughout my life. I was able to date Paul, help raise my goddaughter and take her places, but when I hit perimenopause, my anxiety increased. Now, with the loss of my husband, I notice that my tendency toward agoraphobia has increased a bit. This is why I've been using a grocery shopping/delivery service to get food and other necessities. Paul was my support person. He would drive everywhere except when he was going through his eye treatments and when he awoke without his vision. Obviously, I drove then. I know I need to get back into driving again, but I don't feel as safe or secure as when Paul was still around. The world outside seems so overwhelming now that I no longer have my partner to share it with. I don't need an entourage. I was happy with just my kindred spirit. 

Oh, I understand what you mean about coming out of the doctor's office and looking right into the eyes of someone you know and love, waiting to see what happened and how you are. And then. I'd ask the same of him. If he'd get a prescription or needed a procedure done, I'd be online as soon as we got home, researching it and making sure it was safe or seeing if there were other options available. I thought I was doing everything in my power to help keep him well, to keep him alive and in the end, nature played a cruel trick on us, one that neither one of us ever saw coming. At least your dogs go bonkers when you come home. My cats have always pretty much just looked up or the psycho ones run and hide, thinking we might be a burglar! lol (We had one cat a while back who would always be in the window looking out when we pulled in to the driveway. She was already there, so she must have sensed that our car was close by before we even got to the house.)

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Just once it would be nice to say 'I'm home!' and hear a reply.

Gwen, to this day I come home from work and let Tammy know out loud that I'm home. 

[Gin]

Mitch,

In some weird way, I think guilt comes in to play here with me.  If I do Not recognize the date, I am not honoring Al.  I have a lot of issues with guilt and this probably is just another one.  I tried so hard to do everything right for him and I think I failed him.  All the second guessing.  My grandmother used to say "If our forsight was as good as our hindsight, we'd be better off by a damn sight".   Told you it was weird.  One month, I forgot about the date completely.  Could not believe I did that.

Gin

[mittam99]

I know about that guilt Gin.

We've lost the person that made our life worth living. Made it bearable. Made us feel loved and special. Let's face it, life isn't easy under most circumstances. Now alone, with only memories of our beloved, life is pretty much awful. It's still hard to believe it happened.

Gin, just like you, I try to honor my Tammy whenever I can. I want the world to know she was here and she was special. I won't let anyone forget her if I can help it. 

Today was 17 months since she died so unexpectedly. The pain of that day will be a part of me forever. That day, March the 6th, 2015, was a day that started with hope for the future and ended with me driving home from the hospital alone and coming home to an empty bed that just hours earlier had Tammy in it and watching tv. 

My Tammy, my one and only, my precious, funny, little valentine...

I love you forever and always.

 

[Gwenivere]

Terri, I'm so sorry you have been dealing with the anxiety monster too.  Sounds like yours has taken a hold of you like mine. Really makes trying to function incredibly hard along with the grief.  A double whammy we don't need.  I rely on meds all day long, but they aren't much of a match for this challenge.  I have to really fight the agoraphobia now.  I had it under control for so long.

my mind just cannot grasp the truth about Steve being gone forever.  My heart does, but the mind keeps wanting to rebel.  Sometimes I wonder around wondering if he was ever real.  

I did what you did.  I'd research everything Steve was prescribed.  I always questioned his docs and hospice caretakers.  Mistakes were made a couple times I caught.  Once they gave him the wrong antidepressants and he was out of touch with reality.  I was livid.  

I miss being there for him.  I wish he could be here for me when I need him most.  Wish Paul could be there for you too.  What irony that the person who could comfort us the most is the one not here.

My understanding is cats think they are superior.  Gotta admire that confidence!  

[scba]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

my mind just cannot grasp the truth about Steve being gone forever.  My heart does, but the mind keeps wanting to rebel.  Sometimes I wonder around wondering if he was ever real.  I 

It happens to me too, on the other way. My mind intellectually understands, but I often find myself thinking that he will be back. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for him. I too wonder if he was real, particularly when I look at pictures. There is such a huge distance between my old life and this life, the way I was and the way I am, my life has changed radically and sometimes I think that I made him up. 

When things are going on wrong, I remind myself that I have been through a very traumatic experience. 

[TerriL]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Terri, I'm so sorry you have been dealing with the anxiety monster too.  Sounds like yours has taken a hold of you like mine. Really makes trying to function incredibly hard along with the grief.  A double whammy we don't need.  I rely on meds all day long, but they aren't much of a match for this challenge.  I have to really fight the agoraphobia now.  I had it under control for so long.

my mind just cannot grasp the truth about Steve being gone forever.  My heart does, but the mind keeps wanting to rebel.  Sometimes I wonder around wondering if he was ever real.  

I did what you did.  I'd research everything Steve was prescribed.  I always questioned his docs and hospice caretakers.  Mistakes were made a couple times I caught.  Once they gave him the wrong antidepressants and he was out of touch with reality.  I was livid.  

I miss being there for him.  I wish he could be here for me when I need him most.  Wish Paul could be there for you too.  What irony that the person who could comfort us the most is the one not here.

My understanding is cats think they are superior.  Gotta admire that confidence!  

Gwen, I'm sorry you have had to go through all of the anxiety and this grief, as well. We all have a Heinz 57 of physical/mental ailments tossed in along with the wrenching pain of grief, which makes moving forward alone even harder. I'm still angry with myself for not listening to my inner voice when Paul first woke up with no vision. Something deep inside of me was telling me he needed to go to the ER. Paul thought I was overreacting. I got him to his eye specialist first thing Monday morning and when that doctor wanted to send him to yet another eye specialist, my alarm bells were clanging inside my head. I mentioned that I had wanted Paul to go to the ER, thinking it would nudge the doctor's thinking so he'd turn around and say, "Maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea." or something to that effect. But, he didn't. And Paul believed the doctor knew what he was doing. I had a really bad feeling that next morning when we were going down to Miami to the second eye guy. I tried to just shake it off, for Paul's sake. I tried to remain upbeat and positive---be his strength. And of course, I'm here on this forum now. I think I'm having a very difficult time forgiving myself. I, too, feel as if I failed my husband and now, we've both paid the ultimate price for it. 

You know there's a perfect saying in the "cats vs. dogs" argument: "Dogs Have Masters, Cats Have Staff". I've had both and I can vouch for the fact that it's 100% true! lol

[TerriL]

I meant I've had both dogs and cats, not masters and staff.  

[kayc]

Since everybody seems to be over here, I wanted to call attention to an article Anne (Enna) posted that I thought you all might like & relate to in Tools for Healing (Articles Worth Reading):
https://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/what-people-say-when-youre-grieving-vs-what-you-hear?utm_term=.boV8Or7J7#.vxGm9rW2W

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

"the thing" for me is to remember the good memories and things and to celebrate them. I will not forget the the bad things; but I need not to dwell on painful memories

I try to do the same.  Someone mentioned music...we had so many "our songs", my son made us a wedding CD with most of them on it.  I used to listen to it over and over.  I've found it's very painful for me to listen to them so I don't now.  Maybe someday I can without it shoving my loss in my face, but so far this is my reality and I choose my focus to be more upbeat than something that brings me down.

19 hours ago, TerriL said:

The only thing that worked for me, the only way I could doze back off, was to stop myself in my tracks and say, "Don't think so far ahead. For NOW, you can take a deep breath in and breathe out." Forcing myself to remain in the moment was the only way I could keep my head together and stay sane.

I've found that is what has worked for me too.

[Margm]

23 minutes ago, kayc said:

 

Since everybody seems to be over here

 

I have mentioned my lack of patience with things.  I don't know if it is PTSD, but as old as I am, I have had my friends and grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles pass away.  I saw Billy's dad and my own dad die in a hospital in a way I never understood, our animals get euthanasia in an honorable death, but our humans are put through things that have to be as cruel as when in years gone by they were quartered as punishment.  I said life and death were a riddle I did not understand.  My mom lies in that bed, oxygen under her nose, a bag of bones.  Now she is allowed no nourishment whatsoever.  Her body lies there in pain.  That electrical spark of Alzheimer's in her brain won't let her go.  Our animals are treated more humanely.  My heart melted all over the place when Billy left me.  Now I feel a freezing of my heart, my whole body, my whole life.  Nothing makes any sense. It is not all about me, it is about the riddle of life and death.  I go to doc the 10th.  I worked with doc's for 43 years.  I have no faith in them either.   

[TerriL]

48 minutes ago, kayc said:

Since everybody seems to be over here, I wanted to call attention to an article Anne (Enna) posted that I thought you all might like & relate to in Tools for Healing (Articles Worth Reading):
https://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/what-people-say-when-youre-grieving-vs-what-you-hear?utm_term=.boV8Or7J7#.vxGm9rW2W

That was an excellent article, Kay and Anne. And how many of us have said a few of those things at times to people who are grieving when we are at a loss for words? I know I have. I do have to take exception with Number 10. It depends on the individual involved, but doing things unprompted for someone could be disastrous, as well. My neighbor was at my home the day after Paul died. I received a phone call and became distracted. My neighbor took it upon herself to do the dishes that were on my counter. One of those dishes was the coffee cup that Paul had used the last day he was ever in our home. I had chosen to not wash it and leave it on the counter for him. When I hung up and came into the kitchen and saw that coffee cup washed and sitting in the dish drainer, my heart suddenly felt like someone had grabbed it and was squeezing it hard with both hands. I just remember not being able to breathe for a few seconds. I wanted to scream at her and call her every name in the book for touching my stuff, about which she knows nothing. (I didn't do that. I just said a weak "thank you". She never realized she had just stabbed me in the heart.) Plus, in a time where so much of what is happening to someone is beyond their control, someone else attempting to take control of their household or their personal belongings could actually have the opposite effect than what the giver intends. It could be devastating to the grief-stricken person. Look at the recent power struggles I have had to engage in with my brother in law. Only I get to decide what happens with Paul's car and truck or with my home or yard. So, I don't think I would do anything unprompted. Always ask if they WANT you to do something or ask if there's something specific they want left alone. Consideration for the person's feelings is always the most important factor.

[brat#2]

Gwen and Terri - I was the same way, went to every doctor appointment and even went into the room with Dale and always had questions and was always catching mistakes that were being made by them, but to no avail, I couldn't save him.  I'm having some issues with anxiety, not as severe as yours, but I get really nervous when I have to leave the house to do anything, but I do it because if I don't it doesn't get done.  I just don't feel safe out in the world knowing that Dale is not here for me if I need him or to be here when I get home to welcome me home.  I don't even have pets to welcome me.  I just come home to a completely empty house, which I don't like at all, but don't think I'm ready for a pet yet, don't want that responsibility when I can barely take care of myself.  It is hard to believe he was real now, but I know he was because everywhere I look there is a reminder that he was HERE!  I miss him so.

Joyce

 

[TerriL]

28 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I have mentioned my lack of patience with things.  I don't know if it is PTSD, but as old as I am, I have had my friends and grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles pass away.  I saw Billy's dad and my own dad die in a hospital in a way I never understood, our animals get euthanasia in an honorable death, but our humans are put through things that have to be as cruel as when in years gone by they were quartered as punishment.  I said life and death were a riddle I did not understand.  My mom lies in that bed, oxygen under her nose, a bag of bones.  Now she is allowed no nourishment whatsoever.  Her body lies there in pain.  That electrical spark of Alzheimer's in her brain won't let her go.  Our animals are treated more humanely.  My heart melted all over the place when Billy left me.  Now I feel a freezing of my heart, my whole body, my whole life.  Nothing makes any sense. It is not all about me, it is about the riddle of life and death.  I go to doc the 10th.  I worked with doc's for 43 years.  I have no faith in them either.   

Marg, back in 2000, my elderly neighbor, who was under hospice care at home for pancreatic cancer, took an overdose of morphine and ended her own life when she was ready to go. She had always said when she began suffering more than enjoying life, it would be her time. We all knew that's what happened because she had laid out all the necessary paperwork on her kitchen counter, in perfect order, and was found on her couch by her sister with her hands folded across her chest. It was so obviously planned out. A longtime friend of mine---he'll be turning 82 on the 16th of this month---is now in hospice care. He has been battling for years with COPD, diabetes, kidney problems and recently, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. He was receiving chemo and radiation for the latter issue (which surprised me, given his other ailments and his age) and seemed to be doing rather well, but then, a couple of medications the doctors had put him on had a serious interaction and he wound up back in the hospital with Coumadin toxicity. Now, as I said, they have placed him in hospice care. I have a birthday card for him, but I'm sure it would be grossly inappropriate to send it at this point. 

My sister has worked at our local hospital (she's a medical transcriptionist for surgical pathology) for over 40-something years now and she always talks about how she's "surrounded by science" all the time and that's why she has a practical mind. She swears by doctors, always excusing them for this or that, saying how they have to "follow specific protocols" or "they go by extensive scientific case studies". I call that "not treating patients like the individual beings with feelings that they truly are". And even science is fallible. It's subject to human error like anything else. How many decades did science tell us that Pluto was a planet? Then, it wasn't planet. Now, it's a planet, just not a MAJOR planet. Oh. brother! Pluto IS a planet, a major planet, my favorite planet (other than Earth, obviously)! That's MY scientific opinion! lol (And the moon is not a planet, but a natural satellite!) Doctors are no different than any other profession, in that there are good and bad. 

[TerriL]

Joyce,

My heart goes out to you having to come home all the time to a totally empty home. That emptiness must magnify the loss for you. If and when you are ready, you may want to consider adopting a cat or dog, maybe an older cat or dog, who need love and companionship as much as you do. My elderly friend, who just turned 89, God bless her, has had a myriad number of health issues and surgeries and she was always very depressed and lonely. She doesn't live close by, but I talk to her on the phone all the time and she would always be crying or despondent---just so lonely. Her daughter recently took her to a shelter and she adopted a 9 year old male cat. She had had him for about a week when I called her and when she answered, she sounded like a completely different person. She was upbeat, happy and sounded all-around better than she had in years! She continues to rave about her new little boy and how loving and  affectionate he is. He sleeps next to her at night and she has him to talk to and do things for. Taking care of him gives her a purpose.

It's just something to consider. I know having animals isn't for everyone and it definitely depends on your physical ability to care for them, too, if you have no one to help you. I feel fortunate that, living in the suburbs, surrounded by cities, I have many more conveniences and delivery services than someone living in a more rural area. I order most of my cats' food and supplies online, not only because of my anxiety, but I've discovered that they are actually cheaper and always have the exact brands that I want, unlike brick and mortar stores. If I order enough, I can even get free shipping, so cost-wise, it's the same as if I had driven to a store and bought it myself. 

[brat#2]

Terri - it is very lonely.  We always had pets as a couple, as one time we had 3 dogs and 1 cat, but they all died of old age.  Since then we had several dogs and cats that have either ran away or died.  I was glad that the year that Dale was diagnosed and we were going through all his treatments, hospital stays and then Hospice that we didn't have any animals that I had to take care of.  I have thought about getting a cat or dog over this past year, but just am not at the point yet.  Maybe once I get my medical issues better, I'll think about it, but then again, I don't know how I would handle losing them as some point.  It's a never ending circle, I would like the company, but don't want the responsibility or the pain if they die.  Go figure.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Joyce, I now think about that too with my dogs.  Gawd, does it ever end how much has changed?  Anyway, I now have 2 dogs that are solely dependent on me.  One is almost 12 and I have to push away thoughts of dealing with in inevitable on my own.  My counselor says I am getting ahead of myself which is true, but it's human nature to anticipate the future especially after going thru the trauma we we have and finding things as 'simple' as what to do like how do I get my lawn mowed now?   I can't imagine the house without them and the total silence.  I miss having him here for every one of life's little challenges, much less the biggies.  I got a puppy a couple months after he died and while I love her so much, I now have hat responsibility added to my health problems I didn't anticipate.  I can't walk her as I did our other dogs.  She's OK with it as she knows no different.  But I see the limitations and feel bad I can't give her more.  It's a big decision and one I made quickly.  I see why it is said to wait a bit.  You have to follow your heart on a decision like this and it sounds like you are.

[TerriL]

I know, Joyce. I think about that all the time myself. Right after Paul died, I was hyper vigilant about the cats. because I didn't know what I'd do if I lost one of them, too, so soon after. I've had cats for almost 34 years now (not the same ones as now, of course) and I have had to deal with their deaths, as well. But, I always seem to end up with more. I suppose I have the same attitude about them as I do about Paul. Yes, if I hadn't had him in my life, I might not be in so much pain right now, but I also would have missed out on so much love, passion, laughter, wonderful times. This is how I accept my pain. I see it as the price I'm paying for the amazing experience of having a man like Paul for my husband. My cats bring me so much laughter and love, too. Animals will die whether or not we adopt them. If we can give them a happy, love-filled life before they die, then i think it's worth it. It's much better than having them die in a shelter cage, never getting to experience the love of home and family at all. 

[brat#2]

Gwen and Terri - thank you for letting me know you understand what I'm saying about pets.  Other people keep suggesting that I get one, but they haven't been through losing their spouse so they don't have a clue.  It's nice to hear that I'm not crazy that I would think about their dying.  I agree, I loved having our past pets in our lives and loved them very much and miss them very much, but my thinking right now, is I'm not planning on replacing Dale so why would I replace them?   You are right Terri, I would much rather they be in a loving home and enjoy their life...someday.

Joyce

 

[TerriL]

Exactly, Joyce. Everyone is different and no one---not a one of us---should do anything until we are ready to take that step. Just an added note: none of my cats have ever been replaced. They're such unique little individuals, that couldn't be done anyway. I just consider the next cats "new additions to the family".

[brat#2]

I know Terri, none of our pets could be replaced either, but sometimes if just feels like that is what people want me to do, replace animals and replace Dale.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I now think about that too with my dogs.

It's been in the back of my mind since I adopted my Arlie.  It IS weird how loss affects everything, even how we view getting a dog.