If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Gwen, my mom and dad have burial plots, Billy and I will have our memorial grave site where ashes will be mixed and I think they bury them about 25-26 inches, the box.  My mom and dad's memorial in front of us, my dad's the last masonic funeral, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, mom and dad,  and mine and Billy's.  Two hundred years from now they will all be forgotten.  Hope we are all somewhere better.  Like Billy said "you will be gone and your worry and pain gone" and that was prophetic of him.  Right now we all still have the worry and pain.  The rest of the things will be scattered to the winds.  My mom was not sentimental at all.  I am sentimental, but for how long?  Then it won't matter.

"Some day we will die Snoopy.  Yes, but on all the other days we will not."

I'm getting very cynical.

[Margm]

You all know, from reading my posts, if you have time to spoon through the word salads that I read Marty and Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.  These two make the most impact on my ice covered or some other substance covered brain.  Today, fixing to take my granddaughter to ER 50 miles away, I just read, while waiting on her something that Wolfelt said.   He is talking about deathbed visions.

"Oh sure, I am a product of a medical model Ph.D program in psychology, so I understand the argument that deathbed visions are simply the biochemical side effects of the brain shutting down process.  But, as with all things in life , we can choose to believe in mystery and synchronicity and eternal meaning---or we can stick to rigid confining "facts."

"I can choose to believe that there is, or may be, something beautiful beyond death."

Marty and Dr. Wolfelt, you give hope to my cynical world right now.  No breakthrough "meaning to life and death" but sometimes there is a straight line to think about, at least for half an inch.  Half a moment.

 

[kayc]

Autumn,

You and I seemed to be having the same day yesterday, yikes!!!

Kevin,

I felt the same way.  I'm a practical logical person.  If I don't have need of something, why not let it go???  Nope!  Not easy!

[Gin]

I woke up suddenly last night and had the feeling that I forgot to let the dog in.  First I reached over to ask Al if he let him in.  Well, you know what that is like.  So, I jumped up and went to check.  Then I could not remember letting him in the night before.  Then I  worried that he has been out for days.   Finally I realized that my dog has been dead for close to 10 years!  What is that all about?   

[Cookie]

Gin:  I'm sorry you had to endure that person's ignorance.  I have also had people say the rudest things to me.  Six months after John died, one "friend" told me I needed to just let it go, that he had.  He lost his wife 3 months after John.  At almost 2 years, it's even worse.  People really just assume that's enough time.  So much for having your own timeline.  I have felt pressured from the beginning to get over this and now it's even worse from just about everybody....this widow/widower's journey sure is lonely and stressful.  Almost no one can just let you be.  I mean sometimes you're hurting and just need to be heard and it seems impossible for most people to just say I'm sorry or give you a hug.  It's such a simple thing you would think. 

Gwen:  It is hard to get rid of things.  I was able to do away with most of his clothes, but now it's the tools and trying to sell them that is excruciating.  This is a kind of hell.  I read a book called "Walking in the Garden of Souls," which made me feel better.  It talks about how the souls of our loved ones are always with us (of course, I wish I could feel or be aware of it), but just the idea makes me hope.  So, hopefully when this hell is done, we'll get to join our loved ones in a beautiful place......Cookie

[Widowedbysuicide]

Cookie thanks for the book recommendation.  We are missing the love of our partners and any reassurances from friends so finding anything that helps us find hope is welcome.  The simple things in life seem so complicated now that I am alone.

[Margm]

SOB ER doc sorta read me the riot act since I had had Brianna in the ER (in Louisiana) on the 28th and they did a CT.  I told him I spent most of one day trying to get her in "the damn system" and thanks to him seeing her in the ER, I now had her in the system.  Also appointment with her PCP tomorrow at 1:30 p.m.  Could not get appointment for new patient for two weeks.  I am angry, I am very angry.  I was angry enough to stomp a mudhole in him right there in that room and he left fast. 

I am not sure a Xanax would help.  I need Jack Daniels (in a bottle), but it would kill me and we have appointment tomorrow.  

 

[Gwenivere]

I'm sorry you have to thru this, Marg.  Jack Daniels used to be my go to guy too many moons ago.  Xanax helps, but no match for that guy.

[Margm]

They won't let me have it after the colon rupture dammit.  I just cannot stand to let that little girl hurt because of government red tape.  But, we had private insurance with our Medicare, had our group insurance we had had since marriage.  Still the wait in the ER brought his death fast.  I hate medical and it was my job for so long.  I just know too much about it, and not enough to be able  to do anything.

[kayc]

I too want to say I'm so sorry for your experience yesterday, Marg, that must have been more than frustrating!  I'm glad she has you for an advocate!

I had a very frustrating day Monday, took me 2 1/2 hours to file an insurance claim on the mouse damage to my car, the agent said it wouldn't raise my rates but after I filed they said it could raise them.    They left me very unclear about how to proceed with this since they informed me I'm not covered for a rental car, I need to have my A/C checked at the service place which the insurance doesn't have "on their list" but they want the console and seat taken care of by a "collision place" even though this wasn't a collision.  It's going to involve me bringing the car in and waiting all day each time they work on something, and I'm 65 miles away!  Then I got an email from social security telling me I need two step security (which I tried to set up last summer but they wouldn't do it)...it'd be simple if cell phones worked at my house but they don't, no texting either.  So they're basically wanting me to do something I can't do.  I held for an hour to talk to them on the phone to no avail.  I tried again yesterday, nope!  Oh boy, I get to try again today!  The thing is, there is no other day this whole month when I'll be home all day so it makes it hard.  When did I have time to work and commute?

Okay, enough rant.  You all have these days too!

[MartyT]

[Cookie]

22 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Cookie thanks for the book recommendation.  We are missing the love of our partners and any reassurances from friends so finding anything that helps us find hope is welcome.  The simple things in life seem so complicated now that I am alone.

I hope it helps a little....just want to give you a big hug.  I understand about everything being complicated.  This is hard, I know.....fondly, Cookie

[Cookie]

37 minutes ago, kayc said:

I too want to say I'm so sorry for your experience yesterday, Marg, that must have been more than frustrating!  I'm glad she has you for an advocate!

I had a very frustrating day Monday, took me 2 1/2 hours to file an insurance claim on the mouse damage to my car, the agent said it wouldn't raise my rates but after I filed they said it could raise them.    They left me very unclear about how to proceed with this since they informed me I'm not covered for a rental car, I need to have my A/C checked at the service place which the insurance doesn't have "on their list" but they want the console and seat taken care of by a "collision place" even though this wasn't a collision.  It's going to involve me bringing the car in and waiting all day each time they work on something, and I'm 65 miles away!  Then I got an email from social security telling me I need two step security (which I tried to set up last summer but they wouldn't do it)...it'd be simple if cell phones worked at my house but they don't, no texting either.  So they're basically wanting me to do something I can't do.  I held for an hour to talk to them on the phone to no avail.  I tried again yesterday, nope!  Oh boy, I get to try again today!  The thing is, there is no other day this whole month when I'll be home all day so it makes it hard.  When did I have time to work and commute?

Okay, enough rant.  You all have these days too!

Feeling so bad for you Kayc.  Yes, I've had many exasperating times too.  It's so hard also when you have this underlying grief and feeling of being left alone with all of it.  I hope it all works out well for you.  I think one problem I have is that after any bad situation, I start worrying about what is going to be next.  I have to learn to stop doing that.  Some one told me I would be inviting negativity to come to me...oh boy, that was great to hear.  I don't believe that.  Things just happen.  Good wishes to you....Cookie

[Cookie]

22 hours ago, Gin said:

I woke up suddenly last night and had the feeling that I forgot to let the dog in.  First I reached over to ask Al if he let him in.  Well, you know what that is like.  So, I jumped up and went to check.  Then I could not remember letting him in the night before.  Then I  worried that he has been out for days.   Finally I realized that my dog has been dead for close to 10 years!  What is that all about?   

Grief brain is my guess.  Thanks for sharing because sometimes I think I am the only one and it's comforting to know that others suffer with the same maladies.  Hugs to you...Cookie

[Margm]

47 minutes ago, kayc said:

 It's going to involve me bringing the car in and waiting all day each time they work on something, and I'm 65 miles away!  

The ER was over 50 miles away.  Her new primary care physician is a cake walk, only 47 miles away.  We used to go that far from Mount Ida to hospital in Hot Springs.  I'm sorry life is so complicated for all of us.  You all have my virtual hug and please, say a prayer that they can help my granddaughter.  Once she is helped and can sleep a whole night, then so can I.  (Now that came out sounding selfish).  

Ya'll, I have to blame all my mental problems on "grief fog/brain" because in my heart, I know a shrink cannot help this right now.

[Autumn2]

On 5/1/2017 at 3:23 PM, Autumn2 said:

More bitching. Why does everything seem sooooo hard. I have been trying since January to "fix" me as beneficiary to my husbands IRA at Citibank. I am listed as beneficiary. All okay right? Nope, not with Citibank and I dont live in a state with Citibank. Nothing I do is "right" with them and I have filled out reams of stuff with other banks, insurances, etc. they are giving me such a runaround. "Pox on them". Yeah,  and today is a bad day for me, too! Last correspondence from them drivers license not clear enough. Clear enough for my 70 year old eyes...without glasses. So off to Staples to have it copied "professionally". Then I call and the young idiot says why dont I drop in and bring it...she has my address in front of her. I dont live in a state with a citibank. So then i request another phone numbers for more problems with them...she gives me the same number I get to get her...which I explained...oh, she is just customer service (or lack there of) and yet that is the number on the letter for estate retirement services...so what she can do is send an email to the person I got the letter from...response time 24 hours...you think? Will let you all know. No, I am not real hopeful.

Well 48 hours no call...but I called their Financial Investment Service and actually reached a person. He was very nice. While he was unable to help me he did give me another number which I called. The lady there really was kind of rude but I think, I hope I got the info I need and once again filled out the forms ( which previously had been told I didnt need) and mailed. Could have faxed but concerned with fax my drivers license would not be prestine enought for them. Supposedly 7-10 business days. We shall see. Of all the phone calls I have made there was only one pleasant person and he wasnt even trying to sell me annuities, etc. he helped by transferring where I could get help.

[kayc]

On 5/3/2017 at 7:15 AM, Cookie said:

I think one problem I have is that after any bad situation, I start worrying about what is going to be next.  I have to learn to stop doing that.  Some one told me I would be inviting negativity to come to me...oh boy, that was great to hear.

I don't know about negativity, but I know when I worry about the future (which I continually have to remind myself not to go there) I invite anxiety, I've learned to take a day at a time...but it's not something learned once and for all (at least for me) but something that I must continually practice and try to implement.  

Thank you for your well wishes.  Right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything the insurance is saying, I almost want to give up and just live with the damage but I'm being hit with filing a claim on my record so I might as well make use of it, but I wonder, is it even worth this stress?  We'll see.  I take the car in tomorrow and meet with the insurance adjuster.

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is so hard to have to fight all the battles alone.  Good luck Kay.  I hope that things work out to your advantage.

[Gwenivere]

On 5/3/2017 at 7:15 AM, Cookie said:

I think one problem I have is that after any bad situation, I start worrying about what is going to be next.  I have to learn to stop doing that.  Some one told me I would be inviting negativity to come to me...oh boy, that was great to hear.  I don't believe that.  Things just happen.  

I was talking about this very thing with my counselor and a woman I know because I am always expecting something bad to keep happening.  I really want to change that thinking but it's hard.  I know it is just life happening, but in grief it feels like we are targets and it is so exhausting doing the routine things and fixing things that go wrong.  I am looking into is attracting negativity by my attitude.  If that is all I pay attention to, that is like pulling it to me.  It was suggested I take just a couple of minutes to either note something I am grateful for or just 'be' in a moment in a different way.  Notice the little things happening and ignore my mind screaming at me to feel bad.  There is more than enough time in the day to do that.  I know I am not doing myself any favors starting every day expecting it to be the same as the last.  I'm only speaking for myself, but I know I have a very negative attitude and for good reason.  I'll let myself feel negative too.  But maybe, just maybe, I can train my brain to see there are good things out to take notice of them little by little.  Maybe not, but this perpetual 'gray' I live in is sucking the life out of me.  I don't even know if this post makes any sense because intense grief has retired my brain for two and a half years.  Talk about not recognizing yourself.  Plus it graced me with its presence months before during Steve's serious decline and death of one of beloved furry kids.  

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But maybe, just maybe, I can train my brain to see there are good things out to take notice of them little by little.

This is exactly along the same lines that I mentioned a while back that I started practicing day 11 into my grief journey.  It wasn't my idea, I believe God implanted the idea into me by putting a dragonfly magnet in my path that read, "Find joy in every day".  He got my attention with the dragonfly but it was the message I was to heed.  I bought it and brought it home and put it on my refrigerator where I could see it every day.  Every night I'd look over my day and think of something I could be thankful for.  My big joy, George, was gone, but I'd look for "little joys".  Sometimes it was a stretch to find something, but as I thought over my day, I thought of a stranger opening a door for me, a phone call from my sister, someone letting me merge in traffic, seeing a deer in my yard.  These were the little joys I've learned to appreciate!  In time I learned to appreciate what is rather than merely lamenting what isn't.  Yes we still miss them, yes we still have bad days, but as I began to practice living in the present moment and fully appreciating what there is to appreciate, it changed my focus, my mindset.  It's not an instant transformation but more of a day by day process that is continually practiced or worked at.  I still don't have the zest for life I once did, I wish I did.  I'm not as excited about my hobbies that I was "before".  I hope it comes back, maybe it will, maybe it won't.  But I think I'm on the right path.  I must be a super slow learner because it's been almost twelve years and I am still working at it, but I guess this isn't a timed test, no "pass or no pass" given.

[MartyT]

Gwen my dear, you are working so hard. We all know that this is not easy for you ~ not in the least. But you are hanging in there, giving it your best, and that is all you can ask of yourself. For your willingness to do that, you have my respect and admiration. ♥

[Cookie]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was talking about this very thing with my counselor and a woman I know because I am always expecting something bad to keep happening.  I really want to change that thinking but it's hard.  I know it is just life happening, but in grief it feels like we are targets and it is so exhausting doing the routine things and fixing things that go wrong.  I am looking into is attracting negativity by my attitude.  If that is all I pay attention to, that is like pulling it to me.  It was suggested I take just a couple of minutes to either note something I am grateful for or just 'be' in a moment in a different way.  Notice the little things happening and ignore my mind screaming at me to feel bad.  There is more than enough time in the day to do that.  I know I am not doing myself any favors starting every day expecting it to be the same as the last.  I'm only speaking for myself, but I know I have a very negative attitude and for good reason.  I'll let myself feel negative too.  But maybe, just maybe, I can train my brain to see there are good things out to take notice of them little by little.  Maybe not, but this perpetual 'gray' I live in is sucking the life out of me.  I don't even know if this post makes any sense because intense grief has retired my brain for two and a half years.  Talk about not recognizing yourself.  Plus it graced me with its presence months before during Steve's serious decline and death of one of beloved furry kids.  

I think I am in a very similar situation to yours....the grief of watching John go down, the seemingly suddenness of it when it happened, the loss of my sweet dog.....it is so hard to feel hopeful.  I am interested in brain science.  If you find a way to rewire your brain, please share....I do believe the brain is pretty powerful.  I have been trying some calming apps and ones for sleep.  They maybe help a little.  I find I get anxious trying to follow the instructions, though.....Take care, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

I meant to type 'retrain' rather than rewire my brain, but they both work.

[MartyT]

Gwen and Cookie, you both may find this article to be of interest: Digitally Delivered Mental Health - The Revolution Is Here! ♥

[Margm]

OMGosh, get out of my way grief fogged brain.  The answer is here.  I knew it all along but I still add 2+2 and get 5.  Money does play a big roll in psychotherapy or any other mental therapy.  Then you have to think about your husband and you going to marriage therapy, she takes a liking to him, quits therapy and they (he and marriage therapist married) and started a cowboy church.  (Truth is stranger than fiction.)  (He was the last of my girlfriend's five husbands, enough was enough).  

Belleruth Naparstek has the answer right in front of us and we don't have to go repeat the same story to a dozen therapists.  Eventually, you just type it all out and say "here, deal with this for me."

"People who can’t find or afford a therapist; or who don’t like the idea of going to one; or who need more than a 50-minute session, once a week; or who crave the autonomy of self-administered therapies; or who have panic attacks at 2 am and need something right then to keep them company until the sun comes up - all these folks can now get help by pressing PLAY, on their smart phones, iPods and MP3’s."

My first poor psych doc was an angel.  And I laid all the blame on Billy.  You have got to see me.  I look totally innocent, look like I would do nothing wrong and can cry if you point your finger at me.  I was the wronged wife.  He tried to help me and I totally suckered him in.  (And I will forever all my days feel guilty) because one day I told him that everything I told him was a lie, I got up and left the office.  Now that is a real witch/bitch (and I was also 30 years old) and still did not understand life.  He passed away a few years ago, he had been a neurologist and I was one of his first psych patients after he started practice.  He saved my life.  I was coming off of cold turkey amphetamines and I was one crazy bitch.

So see, I don't have to lie, I don't have to reprint all my sins, I can just listen to someone who does not know me and cannot see me.  

I might have been a good girl if I had had this 40 years ago.  I doubt it.

I am home from my Hot Springs visit.  Mount Ida did not bother me and that was where we had lived, but I worked and we lived in Hot Springs the first years after retirement.  I made some damn good girlfriends (still are), but everywhere I looked pushed a painful button somewhere in my mind and I got up this morning and left so early.  This place was where we ate out, shopped, got his medicines at Kroger and everything reached out and put a knife in my heart.....................I am not used to this reaction.  I read ya'll's reactions and I have not really had them to that extent I had them yesterday.  Seeing the mountains in the distance, the trees, the lakes, all the beauty was ice piercing my heart.  

Will have to go back when they schedule her wisdom teeth removal but will rent a room, daughter's house too small for all of us.