CharKath

[CharKath]

Hi. New member, although I've been visiting here regularly since the third week of February. I'm not sure how to start this, bear with me. Charley was my husband of 33 1/2 years. I lost him almost 11 months ago. He was my reason for living, the joy in my life, he was my everything period. I have no close family, just 5 friends. Lately they have been after me to mow my yard.  It hasn't been mowed yet this year and yes it was higher than my waist. A mess, but then that's the way I feel. My house is just as bad. One friend came and started my lawnmower when he tired of hearing my excuse it doesn't start. So I did mow my front yard and I hated it and fought tears the whole time. Now I'm hearing how nice it looks, what a pretty house. Great, i want to crawl in a hole and everyone is so happy. I didn't mow it for me, but for them. No one gets that it was tall for a reason. They'll think everything is great and going well and its not. But no one picked up on it.  I don't talk about Charley to them anymore. Way too many remarks. Get a hobby, second job, get over it, try harder, stop feeling sorry for my self and the worst one by far, "oh boo hoo, you think your the only one to loose someone", has completly shut me down from talking about him. I can count on both hands how many times I've repeated the last week of Charley's life. I do know its suppose to get better and I sure wish it would start soon. I'm tired of waiting and need something to grab for. Looking forward to being with my friends is it. Coming home to this empty, lonely house just stinks. Its no longer home, just shelter from the elements. I actually have slept in my truck and the cab tractor when all the creaks and bumps and thumps from the house gets too hard to handle. It just gets to be too much. I dont sleep well anyway and that doesnt help. I've been reading a lot here and so many stories could be my own. I want a fast cure and sadly there is none as so many of you have found out. A majic pill would be nice, but a do over that last week would be even better.

[Margm]

I'm sorry CK, no fast cure, But this is just my opinion, I think you need new friends.  People on here understand.  Honestly though, I might have gotten a barb or two along the past eight months, but none as bad as yours.  We don't talk to each other like that.  Talk about Charlie all you want to with us.  Just keep reading and sharing.  Wish we had a magic cure, a time machine, but all we have is a life minus one mate.  None of us can cure any of our problems, we can share though.  And, unless you live in town and you have to mow your yard, seems like a good way to hide from those neighbors.  I hate to say welcome, but we are friends. 

[CharKath]

Thanks Marg M.  I live in the country. My friends are pretty good, but they have no clue about loosing a spouse. I finally got one of them to kinda understand when he was trying to give me advice. He said I had to try harder and I replied that doesn't work for me and when he got frustrated I said do you know why it works for you and not me? And he didn't and I said because at the end of the day you still have your wife to hold and kiss and love and my Charley is gone. He's been pretty understanding since.

[mittam99]

5 hours ago, CharKath said:

I don't talk about Charley to them anymore. Way too many remarks. Get a hobby, second job, get over it, try harder, stop feeling sorry for my self and the worst one by far, "oh boo hoo, you think your the only one to loose someone", has completly shut me down from talking about him. 

Kath... welcome to our grief community. It's a place none of us wish we had to join but it's a very important and understanding place. I'm so sorry you have lost your beloved Charley. And I'm so sorry you are dealing with so many insensitive people. That's horrible.

Fact: People who haven't lost a spouse don't have a clue. It's not that they're uncaring (they think they're helping), they just don't understand the pain you are going through. That's the thing about our grief, none of us knew how hard this would be and none of us ever thought we'd be alone. We loved our husbands and wives and we loved the life we had.

All you can do is go moment to moment and do the best you can. You need to try to find a support system and joining here is a great start. I know you've shut down from talking about Charley to friends, but it will definitely help to talk about Charley to us. I find it's so important to tell others about my beautiful wife Tammy. It's a way to honor her and keep her memory alive.

Knowing that someone reading your words "gets it" makes all the difference in the world!

Mitch

[kayc]

Kath,

I am so sorry you lost your husband, it sounds like he was everything to you, just as ours were.  I also want to welcome you to this site.  Sometimes we forget there are those reading that haven't introduced themselves yet, so I'm glad you came forward and posted.  I have been through a lot in my life but the death of my husband was the hardest.  Sunday it will be 11 years.  In the beginning, I didn't see how I'd live through it, but I found this site early on and it has been a lifesaver for me.  I am fortunate to have my sisters, my kids are busy living their own lives, but they don't live nearby so we mostly just talk on the phone.  ALL of my friends disappeared on me when George died.  So they weren't there making inappropriate comments, they just weren't there at all.  I did, however, get a lot of inappropriate comments from acquaintances at church.  I had a job that was great, they even had a meeting to educate my coworkers on how to best help/deal with me when I came back, these people were wonderful, but my job ended shortly thereafter (went out of business).  It was the beginning of the recession, before they recognized it as such, we only got six months unemployment, I had to commute 100 miles/day just to look for work.

Somehow I've made it through these past 11 years and I've done it by learning from this site, sharing my feelings here (where it's safe), getting grief counseling, learning about grief, taking one day at a time (in the beginning, even less), and taking care of myself.  I have GAD (anxiety) anyway and this hasn't helped it, so I saw a doctor eventually.  He prescribed Valium, to which I declined, so I did my own research and recommendation and have been on Buspirone (Buspar) ever since.  If it was only from George's death, I would have toughed it out (I did in the first few years) but it's a lifelong disorder so I opted to have it treated.

There are other things I have learned to help my state of mind, prayer and meditation (there's a lot of meditation links on this site), daily exercise, eating healthy.  Dealing with my own attitudes and state of mind have helped tremendously, and is probably one of our more challenging things to do.

High grass can be a fire hazard, so I'm glad you cut it, if only to satisfy the neighbors.  I know what it feels like to not care about things, we all do.  One of the common grief side effects is feeling depressed.  It's not the same as a full blown clinical depression but it can feel like it.  That's why it's so important to deal with our grief, to get our feelings out and not bottle them up, to see a qualified grief counselor.  Someone mentioned you need new friends.  Sometimes it's not easy to find someone that understands that is already in our lives and we have to broaden our horizons and look for someone.  Some attend support groups, but I live in the country like you do and we haven't had them available.  Making friends with someone else that is widowed might help.  I became friends with someone after George died and she lost her husband a few years after I did, and it really helped for us to be able to talk with each other as we understood what the other was going through.  She's moved now though.  Yesterday was my husband's birthday and I didn't hear from any of my family or friends, only people in this group.  That's not uncommon.

I don't know if you have been reading solely in this section, but I hope you will look around the site to see what else there is.  Marty has a course available for people in their first and second year, that would be of help also.

I hope you will continue to come here and post, we're here to listen!

[KATPILOT]

Sadly you are right Kath. It takes time. Lots of time. Sleep where and when you can. Just remember to take care of yourself. It is indeed a pity none of those who bring things to your attention offered to do it for you. You'll find a lot of that behavior on your griefs journey. I see that you understand this safe haven a place to talk and listen.

Glad you found us.

[brat#2]

CharKath - Welcome and sorry you are in need to be here.  We are at almost the same time frame, I lost my husband, Dale, 11 months ago on the 10th.  I also was like you, I read this forum for many months before I joined, but after exhausting all other options, local support groups which were few, seeking counseling (no insurance & didn't find anything for little or nothing) and reading other forums, I thought this forum would be a good fit.  It has been, there are very caring people here that have been through all stages of grief and still going through them, but they don't judge or try to fix you.  They will listen and be here to help anyway they can.  I am like Kay, once Dale died so did all our friendships, so I really haven't had to endure the strange, hurtful things that people say that do not have a clue what this feels like. Please continue to post, it has really been a lifesaver for me.

Joyce

 

[enna]

CharKath,

As others have said, I too am sorry that you have to be here. You are in a safe place. We do understand. We do listen. We are a group of caring people who understand the pain of losing a loved one. We are on a journey that will last our lifetime. There will be good and not so good days. There will be days when we are brought to our knees sobbing. Those who come here understand that pain. No one is hurried through this grief. What we do is allow the pain to be. What we do is assure you that whatever happens on this grief journey is normal. We never know what someone else says just might be the encouragement we need at the moment. As others have said we are here for you. 

Anne

[CharKath]

Thanks everyone so much for the warm welcome and reassuring words. my friends just don't realize what they say is bad. One is my best friend and has been since we were five. Its just the way she is so I understand her. Another two are married and bless them they let me sleep on their couch for three months. We eat together sometimes and ocassionly go fishing. They just believe in the tough love thing that definitely doesn't work for this. My last two friends are also a couple, but they are weary of this too. I'm just not going to bring Charley up anymore with them and then everything is just fine. However not talking about Charley is leaving me feel like I have a big ball of frustration or something inside that's going to burst. I cry at anything and right now just seeing his picture sets me off. I miss him so much. Its hard not getting all the hugs, kisses, love and attention and understanding your better half gives you. In all those 33 1/2 years, there was only two days that I didn't get to see him. We were and I still am farmers. We were together 24/7 twelve months a year.  I was totally happy. On a scale of one to ten, usually nine and a half or higher. Livestock or equipment troubles were what ruined days. We always held hands in the truck. Take the long scenic route when getting parts or going out to eat. Never went to bed mad either. We just never got mad at each other. If it was too hot to cuddle when we went to bed, we fell asleep holding hands. He was so sweet and caring. Its just seems so unreal I'll never hear him say Kathie dear. Its not fair, but we don't live forever. Life just sucks that way. It makes me tired.

[Margm]

CK, I never thought about high grass being a fire hazard, but I am still in the throes of grief where I will take a shovel and dig a hole, if I must, to get away from people I don't want to get around.  I don't use logic at this "stage" I use first thought logic, which might be disastrous but it will happen.  Maybe one of these days we can be logical again, concentrate again, quit walking around with this fog around our head, and maybe we can get to a point in our life when we give a damn what other people think.  Might take awhile.  Kay is in a much more logical, intelligent stage of her grief where she has been there, she knows what to do and what not to do.  It is nice having lots of people with more experience on our forum.  We all have the voice of reason. 

[KATPILOT]

 I actually bring up Kathy's name sometimes JUST to get rid of certain people. I use to cross the street and have wine with neighbors who knew the both of us and after a few months  they invited me to a party party where they introduced me to another neighbor who's husband had died years before. I had shown up with her wedding ring still around my neck so things didn't work out quite like they had hoped. Good grief. They not only had moved on but felt it was high time I did. I noticed how after a few more times of us getting together, they became uncomfortable when I would speak about my wife so I did it more and more till now we give a simple wave across the street with not much else to say. I could have avoided that from happening by keeping my mouth shut but Kathie some people aren't worth keeping around. A true friend never tires of listening to what you have to say about the guy who loved you enough to spend the rest of his life with you.  If any of you don't have a friend like that, then at least you can make them here.
 

[R.Everit55]

Kath, welcome to the forum where everyone understands and never judges.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband.  I lost my wife of 34 years 17 months ago.  Posting here has been a beautiful thing because everyone is comforting and non judgmental and truly "gets it".  Anyone who claims to be a friend that says senseless things like get over it maybe you need to separate from.  True friends will listen and not tell you how to cope or in what timing you should be on.  I'm sorry that's happened to you.  You are very accepted here and always will be.  Everyone is so supportive.  

Blessings,

Butch

[Gwenivere]

CK, I can't add much more than what everyone else has written except to 'welcome' you which is always an odd thing to a place we don't want to be, but come to find can provide us a family that truly understands and will listen to anything you want to share.

Kat, love your idea about getting rid of some people.  I noticed that happening anyway by people who would avoid asking me about Steve, but now I have a strategy for those that want me to get my butt in gear and 'get better' faster.  I don't really understand why because I will never go back to being the person they knew before this happened.  Oh yeah, they have no clue about that!

[CharKath]

Thanks for the welcome everyone.Coming here will be very good for me. I can say anything and you guys will understand. I think maybe not talking all this time is what was slowing me down. Its funny how your so numb and zombie like those first few months, I don't remember much at all about harvest or last cutting of hay. But I did it. Nothing seemed real until February and then it all melted away. It took me 6 months of that till suddenly, this is the way its gonna be from now on. I don't do well single and having Charley was perfect. I wouldn't of changed a thing. But after February I was absolutely miserable and then I came across this website. I was constantly reading here. You guys were writing things for me word for word, so I knew this must be normal and if it takes one year so be it or if it takes four years so be it. (Quite frankly I think I'm going to fall closer to the four year one.) But now at least I have hope. Someplace to come to and talk and there'll be kind encouraging words to help me along. Thank you.

[MartyT]

I'm so pleased that you've decided to join us, dear Kathie! As you already know, this is a very special place, and you are fully one of us now. So much better than trying to do this alone, all by yourself . . .  ♥

[mittam99]

34 minutes ago, CharKath said:

 You guys were writing things for me word for word, so I knew this must be normal and if it takes one year so be it or if it takes four years so be it. (Quite frankly I think I'm going to fall closer to the four year one.) But now at least I have hope.

There's no doubt that Marty's site has the best grief-based forum online. It's not an exaggeration to say it's been a lifesaver for many.

Kath, I just want to touch on this 1-4 year grief journey concept you mentioned. Honestly, there is no time frame or time limit on grief. Matter of fact, I believe that my grief journey will last a lifetime. Not that the pain will be the same or my life will still be "going through the motions". It's just that I've learned it's a marathon and definitely not a sprint.

I'm glad you've chosen to post here. It will help in many ways. And I'm so glad you have hope.

Hugs.