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[Margm]

Laura, thank you so much.  Really, my self esteem was not bad at all.  Billy always told me I might not be the most beautiful girl in the world but I was the cutest.  Now, how could I not be happy with that?  Red hair, freckles.  He said he would never date a red headed girl.  One had sat in front of him in class.  Guess what, he did, and he loved the red hair and even the freckles.  My Daddy Wise had called me as cute as a speckled pup.  I got told "you have freckles on your butt, your pretty."  Now, how could I ever be taken down by things like that?  Saying I would be sexy in a potato sack, and being called "Maggie, cat on a hot tin roof" did not bother me at all.  I was always disappointed because my phone number was not written on bathroom walls.  It was written on the wall of an oriental grocery store though and the police called me at 5:00 a.m. wanting to know if I knew anything about it.  I did, but I had not robbed the store.  Life was about living, and I did.  Gotta remember how to chase sticks now.  I know I knew how once.  Not sure I can run though. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Marg...

I have never been one to hijack a post/topic.  But I didn't want to start a new one just for this purpose.  I have never come as close to walking away from this forum as I did this morning.  Perhaps I was just feeling sensitive, but I also felt like I had been slapped and chastised.  We have all become familiar with most of the regular posters here.  When someone has been away, we get concerned; when someone new comes along, we all welcome them with open arms, even if we all do not post a hello message.  I had not posted in a while, and I was in a strange frame of mind last night, when I posted a response to your message, Marg.  Weekends are sometimes kind of a roller coaster, and not sure from Friday night until Sunday night just where it will take me.  I hope I never come across as judgmental or self-absorbed.  Like many people who find their way to this forum, sometimes I find myself simply reading posts and not making any comments...most times that is because I really do not feel I have anything more to contribute than what is said.  I have never been a fan of the 'likes" option...not here or on Facebook.  I took a break from Facebook because my best friend felt I wasn't giving her enough attention, by liking or commenting on the things she posted.  She also said she understood and loved me, but all I seemed to post were things about grief everyday.  I understand that everyone wants to be heard and acknowledged, and I hope when I do try, that you all know my heart is in the right place.  But to have someone message me and be upset because I overlooked their message just made me feel, and pardon my French, really "shitty" and selfish.  I count myself lucky to not have to deal with so many other things in my life other than the grief for my husband...and my heart goes out to all of you.  I have found more confirmation here on this site than in any other area of my life.  I don't go back to my old posts to compare how far I have come, because I have many people tell me that they see it.  I know I have made great strides, and I feel it is my role to pay it forward and try and help those who are just beginning their journey.  I am not emotionally ready to take on someone else's hurt on an on-going basis.  It has been a while since I have vented, and I think I am done now.  Thank you everyone for all the caring and support that has been given to me; it is one of the reasons that I am still moving forward.  We all should give ourselves a pat on the back, for having the strength and spirit to keep moving on a journey that we never wanted to have to be on.  We are ALL survivors.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

But to have someone message me and be upset because I overlooked their message just made me feel, and pardon my French, really "shitty" and selfish.

Maryann, my dear, it saddens me to learn not only that one of our members got upset because you "overlooked their message" but also that the person felt a need to send a private message to you to tell you so. Using our personal message feature to "call out" another member in private is not an appropriate use of that feature, and I would hope that none of our members use it for that purpose. Every person here is in a state of mourning, and as such can be quite fragile and vulnerable. Whether intentional or not, any form of criticism, especially from another member, can be devastating ~ especially when it is done in private, where no one else can observe that it is happening, and the content cannot be monitored by me. Such behavior can undermine the very safety we hope to provide on this site. 

As I stated in another post this morning, we have many, many members who are here on a "read only" basis, and that is absolutely fine. We're all in different places in our own grief journeys, and some of us have neither the energy nor the need to say anything at all. Not responding to someone else's post certainly does not indicate a lack of caring. Our members are free to read as much or as little as they choose, and to post as often or as seldom as they see fit ~ and no one should be criticized for that. As the site's moderator, I am the only person who is required to read each and every single post. I take that as my responsibility, in order to preserve and protect the safety of our members. But I do not respond to each and every post, and I wouldn't expect any other member to do so, either.  

[Margm]

I do admit, once or twice I felt guilty writing something on a topic that was not mine.  But you know what, maybe it is plain selfish of me, but I love seeing pages added to my topics and I don't care what they are talking about.  

I am so self absorbed I guess, give me a blank sheet of paper and I will fill it up with a "word salad," just cannot stand to see a blank sheet of paper.  And I'm sorry if I hijack a subject you have started (and I am liable to) you will just have to say it reflects on my southern redneck country etiquette.    

 

[kayc]

Margaret,

I don't know why but everyone wanted George's fishing hat.  The morning of his memorial service, a woman that lived with a friend of his came up to our house and grabbed his hat and said, "I want his hat!" and I grabbed it back and said, "It's GEORGE'S!" and I cried.  (She had the nerve, he didn't even like her, truth be told. What made her think she should get his hat?!)  I held onto that hat for over nine years before I finally gave it to his best friend.  I always knew that's where it'd go, I just didn't think it'd take me nine years to do so!  He teared up when I gave it to him.

[kayc]

Maryanne,

I'm sorry you were made to feel that way.  People who are grieving can sometimes be the most thin skinned!  We need to give each other a whole lot of grace and overlooking and not place so much expectation on each other!

I don't think ANY of us deliberately ignore each other, I would hope not, but sometimes we don't notice something (we're human) or we have something going on that day and don't have the time to respond that we normally take.  People need to understand that!  If they feel it's overlooked, they can write again...and WAIT.

[Froggie4635]

Kay,

You gave it away when it was time to give it away, and seeing the reaction of the person who received it was the perfect way to know it was the right time and right person.  I think that Mark was whispering in my ear the other day about his ring.  It had to do with his godson.  We did not have children, but Mark was especially proud of his godson and thought the world of him.  So who better to receive Mark's ring when the time comes.  I am sending him a note that when he meets someone who becomes his world and he joins his life with hers, then a part of Mark will be go with him.  When I told his mom, I saw the emotions, just as you did.  So I know the choice is right.

[kayc]

Maryanne,

I've no doubt that you're right!

All along this journey I have known what to do with his things, and when, little by little.  I knew his mind, and it's presented itself, I've just had to give myself time and all gets carried out...no hurry!

[Margm]

Well, I have Billy's hats on top of his urn.  I can be mean when I want to, just don't want to all the time.  The question put to me was "Has anyone claimed these hats."  They were sitting on top of his urn, I figured anyone would know he claimed them.  Now giving his "call" DVD's and CD's away, it had to be specific.  I think I did good.  Honestly, I don't think too many men are interested in calling up varmints, unless they are women varmints, and it, even in this country we live in right now, this hunting country, not many men call up crows and coyotes.  I enjoyed the crows.  They really talk to you and Billy knew their language.  We fooled them one time with a call that was a distress call.  They came flying from everywhere and saw they were being fooled by a human and I do not know crow cussing, but they sure cursed us out when they were leaving.  It was a weird place anyhow.  There were crow skeletons all around, made white by the weather and time.  I was ready to leave.  The "animal" guy at the sheriff's office took his call DVD's and CD's.  Billy would have liked that.  

[KATPILOT]

Now that's funny.

[kayc]

I can imitate an elk and have been known to call them in.   Does that count?

[Margm]

I love hearing them call elk.  So yes, it counts.  

[Clematis]

I was rather taken aback by Marryann's  comment about feeling hurt by someone not commenting on a response, because I have done this quite a number of times-not responded to a reply- because I just don't get it. Just this morning I came across a response that Kay had sent me two or three days ago. I just didn't see it until today, but she sent it two or three days ago. It really makes me feel good when someone writes a response to my posts and I look around frequently to see if anyone has responded to anything I wrote because people's kind words have meant so much to me and it has been so helpful to hear words of encouragement. But sometimes I don't see them-or I see them days later, like a little treasure that turned up somewhere.

I must be missing something. Sometimes when I am online, I will see a little box that says there has been  a reply and I can click on it. But if I don't click on it right away, the little box goes away. If someone replies at a time that I am not at the computer, I get nothing and then stumble on it later. I know that if someone likes a post, it shows up under notifications, and that is nice. But if they reply-which is even better-nothing shows up, unless someone quotes part of my post. I must be missing something...

[Margm]

Laura, at the very top of my page there are two things, a picture of a bell (notifications) and a letter (messages).  Right now I have 4 notifications, and what that means is someone punched the little black "like" box.  Other than that, I don't know.  I am computer dumb, really.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marg. I thought maybe there was something in the Notifications "Settings" that you could set for a reply to a post, but I didn't see that there. Maybe I missed it or it's called something that I couldn't figure out. Marty will tell us; she reads everything and I have total confidence in her.

[Margm]

That is good cause I have no idea how to do anything.  

[Clematis]

Now that is funny! You know how to do all kinds of things...but you seem more like a "people" person rather than a byte-head, gear-head, technophile, etc. Personally, I think having good social skills and being likable (like you) is way more important than having those other skills...if people like you, you can get help with the technical stuff...

[MartyT]

Laura, at the top of every thread there is a grey button labeled "Follow." If you click on that, you'll see several options. If you like, you can elect to be notified via email whenever a new message is posted in that particular thread. (Note that this feature will apply only to this thread. If you want to be notified of content elsewhere, you'll need to choose that option at the top of the other thread(s) too.) 

As for people responding to you every time you post, that may be an unrealistic expectation. Some of our members are more "wordy" and like to "chat" at length with others about various things, while many other members either don't have the time, the inclination or the need either to read or to chime in on every single post. Posting and responding to the posts that others place here is OPTIONAL. While we're all here to obtain and to offer reliable information, comfort and support to one another, no one should feel obligated to respond to every member's post, and no one should feel slighted if other members choose not respond to whatever messages they have posted.
 

[KATPILOT]

In reference to acknowledging posts:

The whole point is gang, we can't be so sensitive about this sort of issue. Many of us aren't as savvy as some who traverse web sites with ease and cover a lot of ground in the interim. I miss things too and it's not easy for me to read everything or remember any particular post. You can't expect gratification from everything you post and none of us should ever be made to feel bad because we don't meet the expectations of someone else. Let's us all just chill out. We're doing pretty well aren't we? Certainly as well as people who have had their insides ripped out.

And another thing while I'm at it. I could hit the like button on almost every post I read but it seems like overkill.  Perhaps if there was just a "don't like" button I could hit that once or twice a year and everything else would get an automatic like. I don't want to end up worrying about being "politically correct" in my grief. I just want to hug you people and be happy we are friends.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marty! I knew you would help out on that one. I don't expected that people will respond every time I post; I merely feel happy when they do, and so I hate to miss it.

[KATPILOT]

And the reason we are friends is because we had to be loving people to grieve as we do and that is what brings us all together.

Marty I  LIKE   your post. Terrific point.

[MartyT]

In reference to acknowledging posts ~ Yes, Stephen. Exactly. Thank you.

And for what it's worth, I'm not at all sure that I like that "Like this" button either. I'm wondering if it's causing more trouble than it's worth. This is not a popularity contest, after all, and I really don't like how the site automatically "racks up" the number of "likes" a member gets. In this setting, "liking" someone's post can carry lots of different meanings . . .

[kayc]

Exactly!

[Margm]

And the "like" on the side of the page, I thought it meant if you read it or not.  The numbers on the left under our names, once brought to my attention that it was 666, and I don't know what the other number is but I obviously post too much.  

We are about helping each other, right?  So what are numbers other than to show maybe I post too much.  Take numbers away and the like.  What does it matter?  You know someone has read your request for help when they answer.  Other than that, what do they mean?  

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

She's been out of touch for many months but I know she was saying something in the best way she can.  I wish I could figure it out but..............How nice it would be to have a full blown apparition with her speaking but I guess it just doesn't works that way.

If only we could talk to them now and then.  Know they were all right.  Tell them if our struggles without them.  I was just thinking last night how I now feel things are Steve trying to reach me in ways that seem silly.  He was the techie so when something goes south I think it is him, tho it makes no sense as it causes me anxiety as I don't have the knowledge to fix many of the problems so have to call his brother.  What us odd I'd when my alarm give off and it is a sing relevant to us.  What are the odds?  I just want to feel he checks in on me now and then even tho he is now free of the disease that so horribly ended a life with so much mor to give.