why do I have to move past the grief

[rdownes]

I was looking for poems to read on the loss of your spouse and I came across a site that said " you can and must move beyond your grief" it upset me I do not like feeling alone. I do not like crying almost half the day, I do not like feeling like my life has no meaning. I do not like missing Kevin every second of the day but who is anyone to say I must move past it  right now it is my life and I don't like it but I accept it, I miss him. I love him. I feel regret beyond words for my actions.I am an empty shell one day I might be in a position to move past my grief but maybe I won't. But who is anyone to state what I must do. it was my soulmate who was taken away  and my heart that feels like it is dying inside it just frustrated me. 

Edited June 29, 2016 by rdownes
had to change only to away.

[seachelle]

Go easy on yourself, if a magic solution to grief were truly available, someone would be a millionaire.  There is not easy way out, or identifiable pathway to move beyond it.  All you can do is take it day by day.  In fact one could argue that "moving on" too quickly is akin to ignoring the grief, which can't be healthy though it may feel nice in the moment.  I do think that as time goes by there can develop a black hole of grief where the grief just exists for itself, but only the person experiencing it can say when that occurs.  It most likely won't be in the weeks or months immediately following a loss.  You need to take care of yourself.  There is no perfect way to grieve and no one here will judge you.

[mittam99]

Robin, I know how something like that can anger you. Everything is so raw and you're living this painful life overwhelmed with grief and reading those words feels so wrong. Truth is, the person that wrote those words, isn't the authority on your grief. Words can be very powerful especially when we are in an emotionally fragile state.

The longer I live this grief journey of mine, the more I realize my grief will last a lifetime. It's a question of somehow adapting to and enduring the incredible roller coaster ride we're now on.

I know I've said it before and it's only a suggestion, but please, think about grief counseling, ok?

[rdownes]

Maybe at some point I will seek out a counselor but right now I can't this is my cross to bear and well deserved I was so unappreciative of him. He tried so hard and I never acknowledged that he deserved so much more and know it is to late.I know you are only trying to offer advice on help and I am thankful it is just not an option right now.

[mittam99]

Quote

... this is my cross to bear and well deserved I was so unappreciative of him...

Robin, it certainly is your journey and your choice to not seek counseling. I respect that.

I wanted to talk about your mention of this being your cross to bear and it being "well deserved". Believe me, I understand the sense of guilt and regret you are going through. You've said you didn't do enough and didn't appreciate him the way you should have. In many ways, I think we all have had similar thoughts. After all, they're gone and we're still here. 

Losing the person that we loved with all our heart is devastating enough. But then hindsight rears it's ugly head and we begin to question if we somehow were to blame in some way. And the pain we feel and the sadness is worsened.

You don't "deserve" any of this devastating pain and anguish. Deserving implies that you need to be punished somehow for your actions. The thing is, you didn't cause this tragedy and you certainly never wanted it to happen. Please try to keep that in mind.

You need to try to be gentle with yourself and not "beat yourself up" so much. Of course, that's much easier said than done.

This grief journey is like walking through a field filled with emotional land mines. With each step you take, you never know where those mines might be. Unfortunately, they're pretty much unavoidable.

I'm sorry everything feels so unbearable right now and I wish I knew the right words to help soothe your pain. 

[rdownes]

Just being here helps I know that no one can take away my pain with words but I can be around people who understand and maybe one day find hope, I know I didn't cause his death and it was not my fault but how I treated him was my fault I know no one on this sight can erase my guilt the only man who can is gone, I just hope to hear in the afterlife someday I forgive you because I never said I was sorry while he was here I miss him so

[mittam99]

Robin, I understand what you are saying and I hope in time you can forgive yourself.

((((Hugs))))

[KATPILOT]

9 hours ago, rdownes said:

   who is anyone to say I must move past it  right now it is my life and I don't like it but I accept it, I miss him. I love him. I feel regret beyond words for my actions.I am an empty shell one day I might be in a position to move past my grief but maybe I won't. But who is anyone to state what I must do. 

I am not so sure you ever do move past grief. I believe you move with it adapting and growing every day, every month, every year. I have learned to embrace it. I can no more hate it than I would my legs hurting at the end of the day. I wish I hadn't fallen off my roof fourteen years ago. I wish Kathy had not died. These things happened and I can do nothing about it. Given enough time, you may begin to feel that too. Reality is that the facts remain the same.

When I say I embrace grief, I am speaking to living my life with it always present reminding me how I still love her. There's that double edge sword again (you wouldn't hurt if you hadn't loved).  So I try now to live on and even when I miss her and I do so quite often, I enjoy living in spite of that. There have been times when I have turned around and flipped a bird to grief. I've told it "I hate you" yet it sticks around. I did feel better for a minute or two. So okay, grief's not leaving now what do I do?  I continue adapting and growing  but always a grieving person. To look at me you might never know.

[MartyT]

Guilt is a heavy burden to bear, Robin, and if you've convinced yourself that "the only one who can erase it is gone" you are condemning yourself to a lifetime of pain. Because we are human, none of us is perfect, and we've all done things about which we feel guilty. What matters is what we do with the guilt we are feeling, and whether we pay attention to the lessons it can teach us.

It's never too late to say "I'm sorry." Consider what would happen if you found a way to express to Kevin whatever it is that you feel so guilty about, and ask for his forgiveness. What do you suppose he might say in response?

The following is an excerpt from the article, Grief and The Burden of Guilt:

Guilt is driven by our own personal beliefs and expectations, and dealing with it requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. For example, what did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. 

Nevertheless, if after careful examination of the facts, you find that your expectations of yourself are legitimate and you still did not live up to them, it’s important to face and take responsibility for what you believe you could have done differently. Healthy guilt allows us to own up to and learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to make amends, to do things differently next time, to come to a better understanding of ourselves, to forgive ourselves and move on. 

The article contains a number of suggestions for coping with guilt, along with references to additional articles as well. I hope you'll take some time to read it.

[kayc]

Robin,

I respect your right to handle things the way you choose to.  You state that counseling is not an option...I want to correct that.  Counseling IS an option you CHOOSE not to consider.  Perhaps someday you will reconsider your choice, perhaps you won't, but there is that distinction.  In counseling they would be able to give you some things to consider.  I'm not sure why you discount it, perhaps you have a preconceived idea of what a counselor is.  Marty is a counselor and I've appreciated her input here.  Individual counseling can do what general counseling cannot hope to accomplish though.

I do not agree with authors that assume the role of authority and tell us what we NEED to do (move past grief), especially when their choice of words makes their message off.  MY experience has been that grief can be ongoing and ever-evolving and we get better at coping and adjusting throughout our grief journey...at least we CAN if we are willing to put in the grief work and not lock ourselves into a set mold that chains us in place.  Most of us here are adapting little by little.  In the beginning we can't see that as possible.  It helps doing one day at a time.  And oh my gosh, it's helped having this place and these people!

[rdownes]

I should not have put counseling is not an option you are right it is a choice, I have nothing against counseling I am sure it helps people but my guilt is here to stay I could have been nicer the last few years, I could have apologized, I could have not made him feel like he was a bad person, I could have showed him alot more love, yes now I don't get angry with people and I think before I speak but I can't do things differently with Kevin now my chance is gone, do not get me wrong he was no angel with his bipolar he was hard to deal with sometimes but he deserved my love and understanding, he had a reason for what he did it wasn't his fault, he loved me so much one day he said to me "when I die you will find someone new won't you" all I said was really, now I am like he was looking for reassurance I would love him forever, my son the other day was outside when I was crying saying "why did I never say anything nice to him" my son said I know mom but when did dad say anything nice to you, I said I know if the roles were reversed he would be sitting here with the guilt, I hope to be in a place other are at on this site is just is along ways off and I accept that for now

[mittam99]

Robin, it's very clear you love Kevin deeply. The fact is, you wouldn't be at this forum if you didn't. It's that love you feel that has you questioning your every move and bemoaning the things you feel you did "wrong". But there is one important fact that can't be overlooked. We are all human beings and we all have our faults. In my world, Tammy was perfect for me but she wasn't perfect and neither am I. None of us human beings are.

I understand how magnified all these thoughts are now. There is no "do over" in life and it's hard to come to grips with those regrets and those shouldas and couldas. The feeling of guilt can be overwhelming and debilitating. Remember though, you're very early in your journey, everything is new and raw and each day is a challenge. It take times to absorb all of this and to find your way. Grief can't be rushed. It truly is a one day at a time experience.

 

[kayc]

No you can't change the past, but maybe you did your best with the knowledge you had at the time.  Hindsight is always easier for us.  It'd be nice, in life, if we got do-overs, or an undo button, but we don't.  But I can't help but think if Kevin were here, wouldn't he forgive you?  So knowing that, can't you forgive yourself?  Maybe you guys didn't learn how to interact nicely with each other, but that doesn't mean you didn't love each other.

[Gwenivere]

To repeat what Kay said, I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself.  I feel those who have passed are free from hpthe negative emotions we struggle with on this mortal plane.  They bear no grudges.  I'm not a religious person, but I always liked the story of the the man who begged God to forgive him his whole life for something he did.  He carried that weight til he died.  When he met god he asked, why didn't you ever forgive me?  God said.....I did the first time you asked.  You never did and carried that heavy load.  

[Cookie]

On June 29, 2016 at 10:38 PM, Gwenivere said:

To repeat what Kay said, I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself.  I feel those who have passed are free from hpthe negative emotions we struggle with on this mortal plane.  They bear no grudges.  I'm not a religious person, but I always liked the story of the the man who begged God to forgive him his whole life for something he did.  He carried that weight til he died.  When he met god he asked, why didn't you ever forgive me?  God said.....I did the first time you asked.  You never did and carried that heavy load.  

Like that story.....

[Widowedbysuicide]

Robin, I know what you are talking about with the guilt. I did it in the first few months until I saw how much my pain and guilt was punishing my son. That made me feel guilty too until I admitted to my behaviour and said I was sorry for my mistakes. Mistakes, we all make them. I fall back some days and feel badly about my behaviour, when I do, I think of my man and tell him that I'm sorry I didn't show him all the love I felt for him. The more I do this the more natural it feels and my guilt is so much less.

I have been seeing a grief councellor  and find she is very easy to talk to about any and all aspects of this journey.  She doesn't tell me what to do or what to think, she gives me information from the heart and encourages me to digest it and make my own conclusions.  There is someone out there that can do the same with you. Sharing some of the burdens in our hearts and minds is a huge relief.

There is much love and respect here on the forum.  People care and share, they are brave.  I come here on good days and bad days to find relief, guidance, understanding or just to talk it out.  People here know what we are going through.

Sorry for the big text, my eyes aren't as young as I think they are .

Marita

[rdownes]

I find a sense of comfort on this site in that everyone understands my pain. I try to take in what others tell me  and post do I can not feel alone and learn a thing or two from people who have been dealing with their lost for awhile not that it ever gets easy or that their grief is any less but it gives me hope I will make it. I have started telling Kevin I am sorry everyday I hope to one day with time not feel I have to anymore but for now one step,one day, one breath at a time

[KATPILOT]

That's it Robin!  Little steps.  After enough little steps you will find you've come a long way.

[mittam99]

Robin, Steve has it right. At first, no matter what you do, you feel stuck in that deep, dark hole of grief. Sometimes it will feel like you're going backwards. Then, you take those tentative little baby steps and even though you'll take some steps back from time to time, you start moving a bit forward. Eventually, those baby steps become bigger strides, and at some point you realize just how far you've come.

The thing is, the grief will be with you forever but you learn to not only endure it but you adapt to it. It's a long, hard journey and I'm so glad you find a sense of comfort here. We need all the comfort we can get.