LisaAnnB

Our local grief support group is run by a woman with whom I have many issues with including her lack of confidentiality even though she is a trained hospice/medial professional. It helps to come here where I know it's safe. There is so much other stress in my life that that is hurting the healing process as well. I mentioned to someone recently that I came back to work the day after Dad's funeral & tried to continue at work like nothing had happened because my boss/co-worker [only a 2 member staff of a non-profit organization] was giving me no support or assistance & the person I mentioned it to was a bit shocked & said no wonder I'm still a bit messed up.

It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been 16 months since Dad passed away & on Valentine's day it was the 2 yr mark since my best friend left us all. I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing including taking a mild anti depressant & now taking more of the anti anxiety pills as I have had even more periods of anxiety. I have had HORRIBLE STRESS with my job, planning my daughter's July wedding, some volunteer activities even. Next week I'm finally going to start the process of seeing a therapist-I've been using my husband's shoulders to cry on long enough & last week I felt I was having a melt down. I know a lot of the depression can be attributed to the winter weather & no sun & horrible temps, etc. BUT Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck missing Dad & Donna. Not a day goes by I don't think of Dad at least especially as the wedding gets closer & we're reminded that my Dad always told my daughter he couldn't wait to dance with her on her special day. I have started wondering if something happened to my spiritual side with these losses. I have forced myself to go to church exactly twice [besides a couple funerals] since Dad's funeral & my heart feels hard or empty when I think of God-is that possible? I so want to be open to all that again but it's like that side is gone. Does that make any sense? I see people's pictures and posts on facebook about loving God & all these great things & I don't feel any of that! I used to I know. Also, can physical belongings tie you to the grief? If so, what happens if you get rid of them. As I type this I'm looking at 2 pictures on my wall that I bought during a road trip with my best friend. Each time I see them some great memories of her come back at the same time that I tear up. My husband & I both want to change the decor in this room & those things wont' look good when we do but I hate to toss them. I don't find them that attractive any more but besides a couple small photos of her & my memories they are the ONLY thing I have of her left. I'm afraid if I give them away I'll have nothing to remind me of her even as I know I get a bit sad sometimes seeing them. I was ok getting rid of a lot of Dad's things because I have so many other things-like my Daughter's smile or even just my Mom to keep memories of him alive. With Donnna I don't - a few photos. Is it ok if I take these pictures down? Will I still have her?

We did make it through. My husband & I went up & took Mom out for supper to one of her & Dad's favorite restaurants where we talked about Dad a little bit. Her having dementia is almost a blessing. She remembered her anniversary the day before but she forgot about what happened that next; she knows Dad is gone but doesn't talk about it, sometimes she thinks he's coming home from one of his trips soon. We didn't bring up his death nor did we visit the cemetary-I actually prefer to go there by myself if I start sobbing as I often do, noone sees me & I can talk to Dad by myself just like we used to: him laying on his stomach on the floor watching tv with me laying on pillows beside him. Afer we took Mom out for supper we went back to her apartment where we ate dessert & had coffee. Mom is at peace & is happy where she is & I"m sure Dad is good with that-when he was alive he worried so much about her & worked so hard to take care of her, he took on even more care of her & never let anyone including us kids realize that. When my husband & I got home I wrapped up in a jacket & gloves & since it was a perfectly clear night full of stars [Thanks Dad!] I sat on the porch drinking a beer, crying. I made a lot of wishes on those stars so he better do his job & help me out here...........

I just found it & for us who find it helpful to write about our loved ones this is a great site. http://griefbynotes.com/write-a-note/

This week has been tougher than I expected. I've been constantly on the verge of tears & often allowed them to flow & I unexpectedly threw a major "temper tantrum" last night-I went out & started throwing things in our back yard & screaming [thankfully we don't have neighbors]-I have never gotten mad or frustrated like that at this whole situation before since I always figured what was the point? He was 84, survived a stroke, heart surgeries, was weak but happy & it was time for my little sister who died when she was 4 to finally have him with her... I'm being selfish-I still want him back & I'm mad that I never pushed him to have deeper & more serious conversations with me-I was the youngest girl & he hated talking about that stuff & I know he wanted to protect me. I'm mad because I feel like i"m losing the memories of him. I can still hear his voice, still feel the scratchiness of his cheek from his unshaven cheek that last week int he hospital, feel his hand gripping mine but I can't see him doing all the things he did, only a few distinct ones but stupid. I want to know more about him, more memories. Thank God for a supportive husband & a couple good friends who came to my office to keep me company for a while when I texted her & told her that "prickly purple pineapple peices" was no longer working to keep the tears at bay while at work. tonight my husband & I met a couple friends for dinner & drinks so I wouldn't be at home so long thinking & then I came home, put on Dad's old jacket I inherited, grabbed a beer [his choice, not mine], & went out to sit on the porch looking at "his" stars. Tomorrow we head "home" to be with Mom, take her out for supper & be with her. One year has gone so quickly yet so slowly. I've rubbed holes in a few photos of him trying to feel his face again. The pain tonight feels as fresh as it did 365 days ago.

Dear Marty: I am so sorry about the changes that you're going through with your position & this group. There are not enough words to express my gratitude to you & your support this last year & for having this place to come to for all of it. I am so grateful that you are staying on until other arrangements get made. I found this group by mistake one night in that first week after Dad passed & I say what a great mistake it was. I have read everything you've written on grief & used much of the advice I read. Thank you. Lisa

Thanks. I want her to continue to have happy thoughts about that day & their lives together, especially as she knows the next day will mark the day she lost her husband. While her short term memory is the same as a gold fish due to the dementia her long term memory is wonderful & she remembers him following her home from school & asking her out, even. We will be with her the next day when we go up to honor & remember Dad by taking Mom out for dinner, then to the cemetary & to Mass where they'll be saying a special mass in memory of Dad.

My question tonight is: when a spouse [my Dad] dies do you continue to celebrate their wedding anniversary with the surviving spouse? Dad died less than 12 hrs after he & mom "celebrated" their 63rd wedding anniversary. Do we get Mom an anniversary card or just one saying "thinking of you'? We'll be going up there to be with her on the 26th & honor Dad as a family but I"m so used to automatically buying an anniversary card for her. Didn't see this question in any of the grief protocol pamphlets we received.

Stephen: remembering Dad & all those happy memories has gotten me through this year. Actually the best thing was that I inherited ALL the old photos of family [some from early 1900s or before], their travels, Mom & Dad when they were younger & I see photos of Dad when he was young & I just grin because wow, Dad was a hottie back then-very Cary Grant meets James Dean-esque & I also got some of Mom's love letters to him & reading them makes me laugh-he was quite the player back then. I just rub his face in those photos like I need to etch it into my brain even more. This week have been struggling with dreams every night of he & I having conversations & then we get interrupted & I wake up & I'm almost angry at it.

So sorry for your loss. Hugs, prayers & calming thoughts to you.

KayC: does your Mom still have her long term memory? Does she talk about past events? My Mom's short term is so bad but she's wonderful about telling things about her & Dad dating [he was kind of a major player/party boy back then] & the early years of their marriage. Today my daughter got her engagement photos & she asked me as she was showing them to me "What do you think Grandpa would think?" and all I could do is tear up & tell her "he'd think you're the most beautiful engaged girl he's ever seen".

As it gets closer to the 1 yr mark for Dads death I find myself really thinking hard about "if only I had known what I know now of what will happen in October at this time last year"... I would force Dad to get to a dr to be really checked out, I'd be up there constantly watching them both, I'd be forcing Mom to go to the Dr & get the diagnosis of her dementa & start making plans. Most of all I'd sit both of them down & ask SO MANY QUESTIONS & make sure I recorded them. I found out even more about Dad AFTER his death that I had no clue about when he was alive. Being the youngest of the family everyone sheltered me from things & perhaps unintentionally unincluded me in things. I want to go back & talk to him one more time. Normal? I really didn't think it would affect me this hard so early-I knew that week would be hell but not this soon.

Sunday will mark Dad's 85th birthday & his first one in heaven. Marking it by going up to take Mom out for lunch then out to the cemetery where we'll put flowers & birdseed & squirrel corn on the grave so Dad can continue to feed "his" critters. In 1 month we'll be marking the First anniversary of his death. All these "firsts" we've managed to survive when I didn't know how we'd make it through the first week without him.... Still not a day goes by where I don't think of him even fleetingly.

10 months after we lost Dad they finally laid the head stone a couple weeks ago & yesterday I got to see it for the first time. NOT good. I've been able to go up there every couple weeks & shed a tear or 2 & be able to talk to "Dad". Yesterday I lost it; I stood there & bawled like the day we laid him there. Having that piece of marble seems to make it "real", and I've noticed that since the stone got laid I haven't received any "signs" from him-I"d been finding pennies & nickles, or even pine cones [we don't have pine trees near us]. I would go up & since there was nothing to mark where to find him & my brothers always got confused, I'd put up yard decorations so I told my husband the "signs" were Dad's way of thanking me. But now there is a piece of permanent stone to help us find our way to the grave I no longer need to have my things there it's like he's at rest. We left a couple of my things there. Why does that stupid piece of marble bug me so much? It's really neat but ......... I know Dad is more at rest up in Heaven-we've got Mom in a great assisted living place & she's happy there. But I can't get over losing him & need him more than ever-who's going to yell at me about my job & tell me to quit to avoid the ulcer that's forming [my husband's voice is NOT my Dad's]? Who is my daughter supposed to dance with to the song "Grandpa" that he made her promise to play at her wedding next summer? Who do I give the "Happy Birthday Dad" card I bought a long time ago to give him on Sept. 15?

KayC: I left Saturday night & came home & got away from it all. Hitler & a couple others left Sunday to go home as well. Spoke with the good sister that's still there & she says Mom is a bit calmer but is having some possible nasty side affects either from her new meds or something else. She went in for a CT scan yesterday & it'll be a few days before the results come in. Friday to find out some of Mom's awareness I asked her if she remembered what happened to Dad & how she feels. "Oh yes, I"m a widow and a brotherless orphan now you know. None of the boys I counted on are alive anymore." 3 months after Dad passed away Mom's last brother passed away. I have decided that since another good sister is coming up for a few weeks to get Mom moved & settled that I'm going to put up some boundaries, not talk to ANY of them unless necessary & allow my husband to take me on the vacation he's been trying to get me to go on since October. I just need to get away from it all & away from these memories that are so close to the surface now and cause flare ups of grief. I just want one week of forgetful happiness if that makes sense.

we had her sale this weekend & it was hell! my siblings were there fighting over stuff! it's just stuff & I'm so furious at it all. one sister refuses to acknowledge how bad Mom has gotten & is in denial & is mad that we're moving her to a safe good facility & not dropping our lives to take care of her ourselves. Some were fighting in front of Mom & then got annoyed at me for telling them to take it outside since I'm the "stupid baby sister who doesn't know anything" even tho I've done research & told them that Mom hears all of it & probably knows exactly what is going on but right now can't process it or get it out-she has dementia she's not in a coma! She sees all her life going outside & on a table for strangers to take or tossed in a box. If Dad knew what was going on he'd be so upset & tell us "it's just stuff knock it off." None of this is gong to bring Dad back or make Mom's illness go away. I want my Dad & I want to be able to go home & have Mom bake me a crustless pecan pie [my fave that she'd make me when I was upset] again. I can't hold my Dad's hand or cry on Mom's shoulder. I will no longer be able to drive up on a weekend if I'm having a really bad week & crawl back into my childhood bed to hide for a day. Instead I had to listen to my siblings fight over her dishes & instead of driving to their house & seeing Mom on the porch swing & Dad in his chair I'll see strangers there.

Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them. Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all? I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.

Today is our First Father's Day without Dad. It's been 6 months & 15 days. thought this would be easier to get through today. Almost didn't buy my husband a Father's day card since every time I got near that section at the card store I cried. Finally at Walmart, one of my regular customers from work who knows about Dad saw me struggling at the F.Day card section, went & grabbed a big sheet of poster board & held in front of the Dad cards until I could find one for hubby. Today I woke up thinking "Yay, I can call & talk to Dad today." then a few minutes later "oh crap, no I can't. he's gone & I can't tell him & hear him tease me about making a fuss over him". So I'm avoiding looking at ANY photos of him until later when my hubby's at work & I can cry. I so want to hold his hand again, want to hear his voice, want to feel his hugs, share a beer with him. He was the best example of a man there could be-my husband even resembles alot alot of his same good character. His best gift was thew wonderful & gentle way he treated my Mom-he had her so spoiled. He also taught my sisters & I what to look for & expect from a man/partner; sometimes we didn't listen but in the end we all did. I wish Heaven had a phone to call him & tell him Hey Happy Father's Day. I'll see you soon. xoxo this photo was taken 2 yrs ago at my daughter's high school graduation. 3 days later he survived a massive hemmoraghic stroke. This is the last photo we have of him well.

Now this weekend it has been finally decided to move Mom to an assisted living facility that can better handle her increased dementia. Her dr. says it's becoming more severe. None of us realized how much Dad must have been helping her keep it together so that we couldn't see how bad she'd gotten. Physically she was pretty good so she could compensate for his bad physical health & mentally he wasn't too bad so he could handle her stuff. So, on top of losing Dad we're slowly losing our Mother too. She's 84 on Tuesday but she may as well be 5.

Memorial weekend will mark the 6 month mark since Dad's death. A bit of an ironic "holiday" this year I think. As we'll be trying to visit all our other families' graves we'll also be getting ready to have Dad's headstone finally put on the grave. That seems to be like a final marker for me at least-so far all that marks his "spot" is a metal butterfly garden stake I put there & the broken sod; sometimes I could drive to that cemetary to visit other graves & pretend his didn't exist so it must not be true, right? I'd thought I was doing Sooo good with this grief stuff, even thinking that I didn't really need the very mild anti depressant the dr. gave me. Nope. Now I am to the point where I am going to look for a counselor. I have developed a lot of anger towards people since some of my closest friends have shown that they're not good dealing with "people like me"-I STILL keep getting told to "quit talking about your Dad, he's dead. Is there anything really to talk about?" by a "close friend" & co-worker I even considered a brother. He even told me since I came back to work the day after the funeral that it couldn't have been that bad if I came back that soon. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back that week but we depend on every dime & hour of my paycheck. I'm dealing with so much stress & issues at work that there is anger from that. Mom's has declined to the point where we are discussing other living options & knowing that in the next few months we will be selling Mom & Dad's house of almost 50 years & moving her & dealing with that. My only daughter gets married next summer & she wanted her Grandpa there so much-that's the one thing she'd ever dreamed of: dancing with Grandpa at her wedding. She & her fiance even went to the grave [how I have come to HATE that word!] & "told Grandpa we have to do this without him". I WANTED MY DAD THERE to see his favorite grand child walk down that aisle. Even as he recovered from his stroke he'd tell me "I know Allie's going to be a bride someday and I'll be there to walk her down to meet that boy.I promise you." My parents helped me raise her until she was 6 & out of all 18 grandchildren she was his favorite. I still cry every night.I relive that whole last week constantly-I am so afraid I'm forgetting the sound of his voice & the touch of his hand. And I'm angry at myself for not knowing my Dad better when he was alive-I'm learning more about him from my siblings, stuff I never even knew about him & I get so mad at myself for not knowing more-why didn't I push him to talk to me more?!! with me he was quiet & would show me things more & tell me he liked just sitting without saying anything why the hell didn't I make him talk? Why was I so d*** selfish to just accept his not talking?!!!!! I was his last daughter-I should have done more!!!! I don't tell my husband any of this-he has to listen enough to my venting about my job & dealing with Mom's situation. This is MY pain. I just want him back. I want my Mom back to before the dementia invaded her body. I want to hold his hand one more time. And I thought all this grief stuff would be over by now.

This Friday will mark 5 months since Dad's death. Seems so long & so short at the same time. I've noticed that I fee like I've changed, emotionally, since that day & not necessarily in a good way. I'm more serious, more cynical.We don't entertain as much as we used to-I tell myself that all our friends are really busy too I've lost my spirit, my spunk-the spunk has turned more into bitchiness sometimes. I've lost my light & my creativity-my craft & art supplies are dusty. I don't put up with the junk I used to. Yet, I'm softer-I cry more easily at sweet or simple things. Yes, I'm on a very low dose of an anti depressant because my dr. insists that I'm NOT depressed but still grieving. I can no longer talk about Dad to my friends as most have told me to "get over it. Move on. He's dead what more do you want him to do?" [yes the person I thought was one of my best pals told me this after he promised me that he & his wife would help out whenever they could-nice huh?]. I do exercise & eat right, only have an occasional glass of wine or margarita. BUT I so miss my Dad!! Is this normal-people changing like this? When will I get my spark back? Along with Dad's death I've been dealing with Mom coming back North after spending the winter with my sisters in Texas & her dementia really progressing to the point where we are discussing options for her to move to an assisted living facility. Also dealing with a co-worker [i work in a 2 person non-profit organization] whom I barely tolerate because of her many many professional & personal issues so I"m quietly looking for a new job. Also: my only chld/daughter, who's 20, announced she's getting married next summer. Most nights I just want to crawl into a cave & hide.

My daughter got engaged on Valentine's Day. So many mixed emotions: happy for them, anxiety about what a wedding will involve with all the ex'es in the group & finances, sadness about her no longer being my baby but a wife & most of all sadness that Dad won't be here to see it. Allie was his favorite grandchild & he & Mom helped me raise her until I got married & he always promised Allie that he would dance with her at her wedding just like he did with me at mine. Now he won't be there to dance with her. And I'm afraid that with Mom's dementia progressing that she won't remember it or really "be there" mentally for it. The wedding probably won't be taking place for a year but.... Allie did ask me if I thought it would be ok, the first nice weekend, for her & her fiance to go back home & visit the grave to "tell Grandpa the news." You can imagine what my response was [it involves a soaked kleenex]. We do want them to wait until Grandma gets back North to tell her in person-telling her over the phone would really confuse her.

beautiful.

Kay, how horrible that it happened to you. You're right to feel violated-you were. And i agree that it seems like incidents & having to delete things from our loved ones lives feels like they're being more & more removed from us. That sucks. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

Since Dad's passing I've become fascinated with what Heaven is like. I was reading "The Lovely Bones" the week of his death & I like the books version of heaven-that it's your favorite places & things you might not have had on earth & there are different areas you can go & jobs you do. I imagine Dad up there with my 4 yr old sister, in an area with lakes and mountains & trees, log cabins & lots of horses & 3-wheelers to ride. Dad's dream was to have a horse farm & go to Alaska. His favorite things to do was to travel up to Vancouver or out West with friends where they rode 3 wheelers & did lots of horse back riding. He rode on many trail rides with my oldest sister's group & loved it. So I think that's where they are [since Cindy died 2 yrs before I was born & she was 4 I'm not sure about her or her heaven]. He spends his days with our angel family & friends & even his heroes like John Wayne, playing cards, drinking beer, boating, fishing & talking. Dad was an angel on earth, always volunteering & helping others so I'm sure he's doing something like that there too. Then he & Cindy get together so he can be her daddy again. I know he watches us still & helps us-I've felt him & he would never stop that. I'm curious what others think of heaven. ........