It hurts so bad

[kayc]

Patty,

Seeing the flames must have been very scary, I'm glad it wasn't your place.  And I hope it went okay at your friend's house.  I got to talk to my friend that moved to TX last night, first time in a month, it felt so good, like old times.  Friends may not always get it but it's to them we turn to anyway.  At least they understand parts of us.

 

[brat#2]

Patty - I completely understand what you are saying about self esteem.  Before I met Dale, I was extremely shy and had no confidence or self esteem.  During our marriage, like you said, he loved me so much that he gave me that confidence and brought me out of my shyness and I did things that I thought I would never do.  Unfortunately now after a little over 9 months since he died, I'm reverting back to lack of confidence and shy.  I don't want to leave my home because I'm afraid of being out in the world alone without him, but like you and Gwen said, our home is sometimes not very comforting either.  I do however, feel better when I'm home.  I don't know if I will ever find that confidence again, but I do miss it, along with everything else to do with being married to the love of your life.

Joyce

[kayc]

Joyce,

I draw from the faith George had in me and still does.  For instance, when I was looking for work, I drew strength & encouragement from him, by reaching down inside of me where he exists.

[brat#2]

Thank you Kay.  I'm sure hoping that some day I will be able to draw on that.  I know that he does still exist in me, but I guess I'm still "numb" and can't seem to find it right now.  I'm trying to find it though and I'm sure I will someday.

Joyce

[mittam99]

It's not easy Joyce. I spend virtually all my waking hours thinking about Tammy. Most of the time it's about how much I miss her. Or how unfair life was to her in so many ways. Or simply trying to comprehend why she died at 45 years old. Or what could I have done better. Or how I miss her soft skin and wonderful soft lips and amazing smile. I think about her in every room of this house. I think about her when I'm at work and in the car. I think about her when I'm shopping and when I'm eating. On and on.

For a long time it was those thoughts that kept me in a constant state of pain and anguish. I couldn't function. I couldn't see any reason to think about a future either. Something had to change in order to not be eaten alive by my overwhelming grief. I started to think about some of the "amazing" things that have transpired since Tammy died. Like the night I fell asleep at the wheel on the highway (driving to Tammy's funeral in Illinois) and crashed into a concrete barrier. Going to the next rest stop and seeing not a scratch on my car defies all logic. Or the time I was talking to my niece about Katie being mean to Tammy and I was getting visibly upset. All of the sudden the ceiling fan in the bedroom turned on by itself at the highest speed. There were no electrical surges in my house. It was almost like Tammy was saying "Mitch, please don't get upset about this". And there have been other unusual occurrences. This helped me get a sense that, yes, Tammy is still here in some way and still helping and loving me.

Maybe those incidents gave my mind the solace it needed to take a more hopeful outlook on this new life. I started to do things in a way that I knew would put a smile on Tammy's face.

Of course, I still endure many grief waves and the tears still rain down my face but I also feel that the team of Mitch and Tammy still exists. I go through life with the feeling that she is by my side. She certainly resides in my heart.

But let's be real here... I want my Tammy back with me so I can hold her and talk to her and share with her and love on her. I want my old life back and not just a "sense" that Tammy is still with me in "some way". I want to go back in time and cure Tammy's lupus so we can live happily ever after like we planned.

Hopefully what I wrote made some sense. I didn't get much sleep.

[Polly]

makes perfect sense, Mitch.

[brat#2]

Mitch, yes it makes sense because I have all those feelings too.  I know Dale is in my heart and always will be and I too, think I've had a few instances where he let me know he was here with me, the hallway floor popping when no one is walking on it, the back outside door popped open once and then the back screen door opened for no reason.  I'm working on getting to that point where I can continue to live feeling like we are still a team and trying to remember the happy times and be happy with that, but it's just so difficult.  I am slowly, very slowly remembering times that bring a smile to my face (few and far between) but I am trying (like the profile picture I chose, it was taken 1 1/2 years ago before we knew he was sick and that weekend was a great one).

Joyce

 

[Guest]

Love the pictur Joyce. 

[mittam99]

I second that, Brad. It's always nice to see the person behind the words. And we get to see a picture of Dale, too.

Thanks Joyce.

[brat#2]

Thank you Brad and Mitch, that was a wonderful long weekend, the last trip we took before he was diagnosed.  Yes it is nice to see who you are talking with.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

It reminds me of hearing about this story:

The story is told of the child who cried out for her mother because she was afraid of the dark. Mother’s reassurance that she wasn’t alone, that God was everywhere – that God was with her in the dark – did little to assuage the child’s fear.

“But I want someone with skin on” the child cried.

We are like that...we don't just want them to be a memory, we want them here with us, with skin on!

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, brat#2 said:

 Unfortunately now after a little over 9 months since he died, I'm reverting back to lack of confidence and shy.  I don't want to leave my home because I'm afraid of being out in the world alone without him, but like you and Gwen said, our home is sometimes not very comforting either.  I do however, feel better when I'm home.  I don't know if I will ever find that confidence again, but I do miss it, along with everything else to do with being married to the love of your life.

I still have the confidence, but it is different and I can't find the motivation to use it often.  As was said elsewhere, this homelessness in our home is most unsettling.  It's like a roller coaster now.  At times I feel OK here and moments later I feel this is a prison of memories.  Knowing I wont be making any new ones with the love of my life has me seeing this place with new eyes and wonderering if I will ever feel comfortable again as a natural state.  

[mittam99]

Gwen, just a thought ...

As you know, they say don't make any major changes in the first year. You are of course, beyond that. And since that house seems to feel like a place of torment and a "prison of memories", have you ever considered a move? I'm only asking because you seem so tortured there now. You even questioned whether you could ever feel comfortable in that home again. 

In my case, I feel comfort here at home. I feel close to Tammy. I can't imagine coming home and feeling anxiety entering your own house. That has to be awful. I feel badly for those of you that experience that.

Gwen, in no way am I suggesting you should move (a move can be traumatic in itself),  just wondering if you've ever thought about it for the sake of your own healing.

Mitch

[Margm]

Mitch, I think of this house as a death house.  He did not die in it.  He died in one of the hospitals I retired from.  I go from blaming myself, the hospitals, Arkansas for his death, but he had to have the tobacco all his life and went to the smokeless tobacco, and could not give it up.  The cancer was all over his body.  We just thought it was his bad back.  Also did not know about the brain aneurysm, that might have been the cause of death.  Does not matter now, when they are gone, they are just gone.

The house is not at fault in this case.  I sleep in our bed and am not disturbed doing it.  The yards are two acres, the house is like me, it is old and needs paint in a lot of places.  It needs repairs I cannot keep hiring done.  I may be wrong, maybe this is a male/female thing, but I hate trying to get everything repaired.  Billy was not Mr. Fix-it and I certainly was not Susie Homemaker.  We have rented before, but most always owned our houses.  I am not a decorator.  Billy told me to look in those magazines to get ideas.  I spent a lot of money for paint for the bathroom.  Had it mixed and when I finished painting, it looked like bathroom "doings" had been smeared on the wall.  S___t mongly brown.  I prefer something I don't have to worry about breaking 24/7.  This house is a worry.  Too much so for an older woman.  I might be only a breath away from assisted living.  One of my widow friends goes into assisted living next month and her friend is going to follow her.  They will be one street over from my apartment..  And, there will be some things I miss about it, feeding all the different birds, the crows, squirrels and the little chipmunk that his calls echo all over the forest, which also is all around me.  

But the house owns me, I don't own it.  If I hear water dripping anywhere I go into conniptions.  The pipes had burst under the sink and we had to have the flooring removed and redone on four floors.  If I hear a change in the AC noise, I get anxious.  I want to live where the house does not own me.  Billy was fixing it up to leave, he wanted to leave it too, just not the way that he left, I am sure.  Houses were my Mama's passion.  I repeat, I am not a homesteader.  My mom was.  Lots of people get comfort from their home.  My friend lives in the house her dad was born in..  They will remove her only one way.  I only cried leaving one house and that was a 1996 Holiday Rambler RV.  Family called us away.  Home means so much to some people, even if it causes them pain.  It causes me pain, only because we did not get to leave it together.  

[kayc]

But you've got to admit, the  S___t mongly brown bathroom is pretty funny!   My little sister got all of the decorating genes.  Heck, she couldn't just be in Better Homes and Gardens, she could publish it!  Not only her house, but her yard...hard to describe but amazing.  And then there's me.  I guess we all have our attributes.

[Margm]

Kay, when I covered up that brown with bright yellow, it took about three coats and you could have peeled it off like wallpaper.  Attributes?  I think I must have been hiding when God gave those out.  Hate cooking, hate housekeeping, hate yardwork, and I hate getting this house ready to put on the market.  Doing it slowly.  It is like watching grass grow.

And my sister got the book smarts.  Top of her class in every degree she got.  Degrees don't feed you though.  I am proud of her grades and I know she did not realize Jindal (Governor) would kill education in Louisiana.  

[kayc]

But you have a heart of gold.  

[Froggie4635]

Mark said a little while before he died, that if he were to go first, he wouldn't be able to stay in the house because I was everywhere...my touches and decorating.  Well, he is everywhere also because I did the decorating and special touches to make it a home for him and I.  I have spent the last 16 months adding new touches...hanging all the things we collected and creating a collage in the living room and the wall outside my studio.  I have lots of projects I want to complete, but need some help on some.  NO rush on them just yet.  Keeping up with the three fur babes occupies so much of my free time; the time when I actually have energy to work.  I want to spend time is his bedroom.  I don't go in there too much right now.  But I would never leave our home right now..  

[Margm]

 And I hope those are hearts.  Don't have my glasses on.

[mittam99]

Ding Ding Ding. You may not need those glasses, Marg.

Hearts is correct.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Gwen, in no way am I suggesting you should move (a move can be traumatic in itself),  just wondering if you've ever thought about it for the sake of your own healing.

Traumatic indeed!  This has been suggested several times and my reaction is always the same.  

Logistically, I can't even fathom moving from a place of over 30 years of occupancy.  Packing, sorting and probably downsizing.  There are dogs to consider.  My age works against me on such endeavors too.  I'd also have to get into every nook and cranny of this place also.  

Emotionally, a new place would intensify everything.  It's enough adjusting to the change here much less being in a place I have never been.  While it pains me here, I see all we did to make this perfect.  The thought of strangers living here while I am alive is gut wrenching.  I'd never be able to accept that and have to avoid my neighborhood.  I know moving helps some people.  The very thought of it sends my anxiety level thru the roof.  I already feel like a stranger in a strange land.

[Margm]

On 4/24/2016 at 10:25 AM, kayc said:

draw from the faith George had in me and still does.  For instance, when I was looking for work, I drew strength & encouragement from him, by reaching down inside of me where he exists.

kay, that hit my heart.  Thank you.  I wish my heart would melt that ice off of it.  I guess it really has or it would not break so often.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I understand the moving thing.  I have people wanting me to move to where they are so I will be closer to them and I just can't.  This is home, it was and is ours and the thought of all that goes with moving is just terrifying.  Also like you said, being a stranger in some place new would three times as difficult right now, since I feel sort of a stranger here.  I'm not saying that some day I might move, but not now and probably not for a long time.  I'm glad it helps for others, but that is not for me.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

1 minute ago, brat#2 said:

'm glad it helps for others, but that is not for me.

Joyce, right now it is not helping.  I keep finding things that trigger pain.  I just cannot stay here.  If we had lived in this house 30 years I might have to stay, but we were RVers and not homesteaders.  My whole life my mama has looked at me like she wondered where I came from.  I know she actually was ashamed of my carrot red hair and freckles.  She and Daddy were brunettes.  She got asked by people all the time where I got the red hair.  She finally told them "from her daddy."  They said, Elvie doesn't have red hair.  She would say, "no, he doesn't."  So, if you ever saw a band of gypsies that were carrot topped, those were my folks.  But, I will be chained to an apartment too, but not for long probably.  Cannot stay here where he left me.  Cannot stand keeping up a house.  

[brat#2]

Marg, I understand and hope that once you have moved that it will feel better.  I would be extremely hard going through everything and getting that flashback.  I know I couldn't do it, but I do understand that you can't stay in the house and I truly hope that once you do get finally moved you will find some kind of peace.  HUGS

Joyce