It hurts so bad

[kayc]

Margaret,

I hope you can soon get into a living situation that you find more comfortable for you.  I may not always be able to haul firewood and shovel snow and may have to move to someplace more manageable but I'm stuck making payments here for the next 17 years so hope I stay healthy and fit enough to tough it out throughout that time.  I don't know how I'd feel moving, probably a lot of mixed feelings as this is where I scattered my husband's ashes, where we've buried our pets, where I raised my kids, etc...a million memories here.  

[Margm]

I could not leave Billy's ashes Kay.  I have a friend that has heart trouble and rheumatology problems.  She is going into assisted living a street over from my apartment.  Another friend lives close too.  Daughter lives about two miles away and Mom and sister live about four miles away.  All my other friends and relatives, the ones that are left, are close.  I think Billy would approve.  I cannot stay here.  Cannot stand to be here.  

[kayc]

My kids have strict instructions to put my ashes with his when I'm gone, whether someone else owns the house or not.  I told them it'll be like their last adventure.  There is an access from the property next door so by the time they enter the back yard, throw the ashes and run, they will be outta there, what's somebody going to do?  Not like they can pick them back up!   But I might not ever sell, so who knows.

[Gin]

Kay,. I did not know where to spread Al's ashes, so I just kept them.  I have to deal with that eventually.  My daughter was told to mix mine with his and then spread them or bury them.  All these things that are not settled, yet.  I think I freaked her out with that.

gin

[Margm]

Ours will be together and I will have a monument in his hometown cemetery near his mom and dad.  Kids know what to do.  My mother-in-law had her burial outfit saved for years, and she was buried in it.  The thing was, they dug the grave at the foot of her husband's grave.  We left that cemetery with them digging a place by my father-in-law's.  She already had the double monument.  It was strange seeing all those laughing people at a funeral.  Nanny would come out of that grave fighting if she was at her husband's feet.  

[kayc]

I have a plaque for George where his ashes are...if I ever have to sell this place, I will move it to the back side of the tree so it does not get taken down.

[kevin]

If you are the last one left it is important the details for Ashes  are clear....in my case there may be more than two sets of Ashes.....I have plans to spread some of Angela's Ashes back in NewFoundLand, parents cemetery, and the rest of our Ashes in one of the Mountain passes in BC..... in about Twenty years

[brat#2]

I really haven't decided what to do with Dale's ashes yet.  I did take some and buried them at my brother's vacation home and planted a fern beside them.  Dale and I both love it there and I know he would happy that at least some of him is there.  He didn't want me to keep his ashes, but yet I can't let them all go.  I do want to put some here where we live and some back in Ohio in one of our favorite spots, and send some up in a balloon (maybe, he always wanted to go into space) but as for the rest, I'm thinking of getting a nice memorial box big enough for both of us, so we can be together forever.  I know he didn't really want that, but again I just can't let all of him go, I just hope he will understand.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Joyce, we offhandedly talked about what we would do.  After-all, we were both approaching the age if some untoward event had happened, like has happened so many times, we would know what to do.  The consensus was we would continue RVing and the other would take whichever went first's cremains along.  But, being the age we are, I cannot keep up a house or an RV.  Oh, I could keep up a house if I really wanted to, but again, we were not homesteaders.  I would like to get a small car and do some traveling but I know my family will not let me go alone.  I used to like to just get in the car and hit the road, going nowhere in particular..  Just do not like circle routes, hate to go back over the same road.  That is why we had to get off the road RVing at a prime age for RVers, family could not stand us being away.  That was our fault, we have always been enablers.  So, we made the best of the situation that we could.  Now at my age, if I have regrets alone, it just is not worth it.  So, other than the loss of Billy, I will have no regrets.  It is what it is, it was what it was.  

[Guest]

I have Deedo's ashes divided into several tins.  She's already at Fantasmic and the railroad at Disneyland, and the new Harry Potter ride at Universal Studios.  Soon she'll be going to where we were engaged and also where we were married in Utah along with a few other memorable places.  She's also going into her gardens here.  Her mother has a tribute tree at a golf club in Mesa so Deedo will join her there.  Some will be reserved to mix with mine.  If all goes well she'll also go to the Riviera Maya on the Yucatan south of Cancun.  And also she's the reason I'm want to go to Europe.  She lived in Zweibrücken Germany for several years and loved it there so some of her will be going back there.  In other words Deedo will be spread every place she loved.

[brat#2]

Marg - I understand the travel bug, we didn't RV, but we would just take off on a weekend day and just drive and see things, but we always came back home.  We both loved home, but I think we could have loved RV as our home too.  I'm sorry you two never really got go like you wanted too, unfortunately stuff happens and our plans and lives completely change, like we already don't know that!

Brad, what a beautiful and wonderful way to honor Deedo.  That is my plan for Dale, to put some of him in all his favorite places and the rest reserved for me, hopefully me is one of his favorite places

Joyce

[Margm]

Joyce we lived in our RV's fulltime for probably six years or a little more.  We would go from RV  park to RV park like we were fulltime RVers, which we were, we were just not retired yet.  At retirement we just hooked up and left, we had gotten rid of everything.  One park out west asked us if we were old enough, it was a 55 and over park.  We were old enough and I did not want to stay but a few days in each park after retirement.  I knew our time for traveling would be limited, and it was.  Family could not stand us being away and one thing after another would happen that we had to come home for.  Billy wanted to stay 2-3 months at each location but I knew we did not have months, and sure enough, we did not.  We had just bought our last RV in March before Billy passed in October.  It never left the blacktop driveway.  We were cleaning out the house to put it for sale when Billy got sick.  After that, time went and so did Billy.  That is why I do not mind leaving this house.  We were leaving anyhow, just not together this time.

[brat#2]

Marg, I'm glad you got to do your RV'ing for some years and I do understand why leaving that house is not that big of deal for you, it wasn't home.  I'm sure you feel just like I do though, anywhere was home as long as Billy or Dale was there.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

I've always said we could live in a tent and it was home if Billy was there too.  In fact, before we got the last RV I suggested we get a big tent and go from national park to state campgrounds until the house sold.  You would have had to know Billy, but his dream was to live like the mountain men of old times lived.  I just needed a good potty chair.  He knew we would not do that, and that is why he just off the cuff got the RV..  He would have loved living in a tent.  We camped out many times.  It was nice waking up in the mornings and Billy already had a fire going and coffee made.  You could hear the  pine cone remnants falling on the tent from the squirrels in the trees.  Guess we were getting too old for sleeping bags anyhow.

[brat#2]

Marg that sounds wonderful!

Joyce

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

Brad, what a beautiful and wonderful way to honor Deedo.  That is my plan for Dale, to put some of him in all his favorite places and the rest reserved for me, hopefully me is one of his favorite places

Joyce

Joyce - I am positive you are Dale's mostest favorite place EVER!

[KATPILOT]

Home would be anywhere Kathy was too but since she left the home I'm still in, I just can't move. Even though Kathy asked her ashes to be in Hawaii, I won't do that till we go together combined. Till then they will just have to hang out with me. I can't really explain what I feel or why I do but I just can't be without them even though I know she's not there it still gives me a direction to point my mouth when I'm talking.  Since she is combined with Mindy our dog, I can't bear with living without both my girls. I remember how she would say good night to Mindy's ashes as they were in our room then too and I think she understands why I now do the same. 

Brad I think it's great what you have done with Deedo's ashes. The trip to Germany kind of makes it perfect.                                 

 When someone gives you specific instructions on what to do, you have to do as they wished. Once Kathy told me what she wanted, it meant I could do only that. My mom and dad both gave me a specific request so I had no choice. They both took one last airplane ride with me.

When I first came to this wonderful site, I noticed the category for loss of a pet. How I wished we had known of it back then for Kathy was so devastated by the loss of her dog. She would have found some comfort here I think.  It was as if Mindy was her child having none of her own. She never got over her loss for three years till her own departure. So that's why she wanted to be combined. 

[brat#2]

I believe Kathy understands and will be happy to wait until all of you can be combined and go together.  Believe me I understand the feeling of not having his ashes here with me, like you said, I know it is not him, but just can't part with them yet.  Beautiful little fur baby and I'm sure they are happy they are together.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Well Steve, I honestly think Kathy would understand just as Billy would understand.  There are a lot of places I loved being, but without Billy I did not want to be there and I know he felt the same way.  So, we will just hang together until we can be together.  

And, I am so sorry about Mindy.  When my aunt lost her last dog she would not get another because she worried about what would happen to the pup should she pass before it.  She lived until she was 90 and kept her nieces little Dachshund her last years, so she had her fur baby after all.  

I know the love and depression that went on after she lost one of her fur babies.    

[kayc]

Margaret,

We too were campers and loved it.  We did the tent camping until we admitted we'd gotten older and every bump more easily felt, then we got our trailer and we loved hooking it up to the truck and going!  I haven't camped since, it wouldn't be the same without him.

You all are so ingenious when it comes to the ashes...I didn't think about dividing them up, I kept them for a couple years and then it came to me, the place he loved the best in the whole world was what he referred to lovingly as "our home in the clouds".  It didn't matter that it was an old mobile home, it was ours, and the land is the most beautiful location (to us), and I knew that's where he'd want to be, so that's where I put them.  I want mine to rest with him when my time comes.  The kids refer to it as "the family burial plot" because we've buried dogs, cats, and that's where we want to be as well.

I kind of wish I'd kept out some to have made into a necklace, but didn't know they did that sort of thing back then.

[Margm]

Kay, I ordered the necklaces when I was making the arrangements.  They have his thumb print on it.  And I don't know why, but none of us can wear them.  I put mine with his wooden urn.  The urn is heavy and beautiful.  It has a tree engraved on top and a verse.  

We had our last camping trip on the Gila River in the Gila Wilderness.  That first night a bunch of animals were having a party around our tent.  I hit on the tent and yelled at them and then we found out what kind of animals they were.  I don't know how many sprayed our tent but we could only sleep with the sleeping bags zipped up around our head.  It was a party of skunks.  

[Patty65]

We used to camp at the top of the volcano, Haleakala National Park, and the stars you can see from there is just insane. And oh, does it get cold at 8,000 feet!  One time all the campfire spots were taken, so we made our own out of blue rock -- a ranger came along in the morning and told us we shouldn't use those -- but we already had figured that out because they explode when they get hot.

Our dream was to eventually have enough from the shop to be able to take off across country.  Ron wanted to take me to all the National Parks, Yosemite, etc. that he had grown up going to.  Sometimes I am grateful for "numb" (like now, at work) until it makes me feel like I will explode and the lump builds up in my throat.. anxiety, driving too fast... all comes with the numb... sometimes I don't even feel safe in my own skin.  I asked my counselor friend last week when I was numb for a couple of days -- is it inevitable that I will feel again? I had been numb. She said yes, and by that night I was beyond bad shape.  The worst of worsts is unstoppable wailing deep in the night. I don't know how to deal on any level with the loss of my future and all our dreams.  I'm a solitary empty nester now but the forest has burned down around me - no life as far as I can see.

Ron and I hired a baker a year ago, an impressive resume, and when he started here, he told us his wife had passed away almost two years prior. He cried often, he was silent mostly, and it was a hard energy to have in our brand new retail shop.  But he was very skilled, and we felt so bad and couldn't imagine his loss, and we all learned to let him come in early, do his very good work, and slip out. He left almost 6 months ago for a chef job, but stopped by when Ron was in hospice.  He was in tears.  He told me I should sell the business.  I told him I didn't know what I was going to do, I was still determined Ron was not going to die.  He knew what was coming, what I would go through.  I didn't understand. I do now. 

I lived for the life and love of my family around me. The Christmas parties we'd host, our house was where all the kids gathered, our beach days, our camping trips, so many million things more.  It was who I was.  It was what I lived for, that joy, that love in the house. Who the hell am I now?  

Well this was supposed to be about camping.

Patty

 

[Margm]

13 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

Who the hell am I now?  

Patty, I got so angry when a friend of mine, who had lost her husband and remarried, she told me now I would be able to find out who I was.  I didn't want to find out who I was, I knew who I had been and still was.  Like I said, I never was by myself.  Went directly to Billy, never on my own.  It is just too damn late in life to be on my own.  But then I have a 95-year-old mother I have to worry about too so I doubt I will ever find out who I am.  I was Elvie and Syble's red headed daughter, Marcy's sister, Billy's wife, Scott and Kelli's mother, grandmother to three, great grandmother to three.  I am in there somewhere.  I worked 43 years, sometimes working three jobs a week just because we were a teaching hospital and when other hospitals needed transcriptionists they would call us.  At one time I was working days, evenings, and week ends.  Just because I could.  I loved my job.  Then voice recognition came along and they wanted me to be an editor of such things heard by the computer as doctor saying "parenthesis" and the computer hearing "bull flatus."  I had to listen to this crap and make corrections and be called an editor.  I hated it and figured 43 years was enough.  I have no idea who I am except a grieved widow.  I do realize I was blessed to have Billy for 54 years, made many milestones, but we were not through living yet.  Things had just cleared where we could live but not both of us.  

I know numb so well.  I love numb.  I hate coming out of it.  Patty, hang in with us.  We are all at different stages in our grief and each stage is repeated over and over.  I do look forward to the numb-down sessions though.  I will tell you this, at six months I do not cry as much as I used to.  I would cry until I was breathless and it felt so good that maybe I would not have to catch my breath, but I always did.  Just hang in girl.  We are here.  .  

[Patty65]

Thank you Marg, I am learning to love the bits of numb I get.  I still feel guilty for them too.  I told my therapist in a text yesterday - "I have burns all over my arms, I am working so hard and fast (with stoves) I'm not careful.  Ron would see me go there (workaholic that I am) and make me slow down.  He was my speed control."  I've lost 25 lbs in 2 months.  My staff is trying to feed me.  I try, but it makes me sick, I throw up, then the pressure of throwing up makes my nose bleed. UGGH! I try to eat a little something in front of them so they leave me alone.  And I'm grateful they care.

Marg, I am hanging on... albeit barely... it is cus of all of you. You are an echo in the dark. It's not vast nothingness, at least there is something out there to reverberate back to me.  And for now, maybe forever, it's our cave, and I'll take it.

How I relate to the breathless crying.

Patty

 

[Margm]

Patty, you need to get some Boost or Ensure.  I hate the vanilla but can drink the strawberry and butter pecan.  You can get them down fast and don't have to worry about eating for awhile.  But the guys on here tell us that we have to take care of ourselves.  You have staff working with you that seem to want to help take care of you too.  Don't feel guilty about numb-down feelings, the other ones invade fast enough that you don't have to feel guilty.  And we are here, anyone of us have had the same feelings you are having at different times, sometimes endlessly.  Sometimes those are just holding their head above water after a year.  I understand workaholic.  But, we do have to come up for air, even if we don't want to.  Think about your baker.  You saw how bad he was after that length of time.  I counted the "girls" in my group of graduates at a get together that were widows.  There were only 3-4 that were not widows.  They tell me that it gets easier.  I don't think they mean the pain or suffering, I think they mean just living.  We are here.