It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Maybe we are slowly building a ladder out a step at a time, tho is is a very deep hole.

Gwen, that is a near perfect description.

Grief is like falling in a deep dark hole. A hole so deep it almost seems bottomless. Building that ladder from the bottom of that hole, in the pitch dark, (while we are in tears) is a slow and arduous task. No wonder we often get stuck building it. Sometimes the challenge seems virtually impossible. Along the way, we need to take many breaks during the construction and we must rest our weary body and minds often.  But slowly, rung by rung, we do our best to complete that ladder so we can find our place in this new life.

[Clematis]

I am trying so hard to get through this without falling over or making mistake, and it's just not working. I just seem to keep screwing up something... I was supposed to submit my monthly billing earlier today but It was late because I was focused on playing the cello in this concert tonight in which we played Roses From The South, a Strauss waltz, as a tribute to my dad. It was all very lovely and then I realized my billing was late by a few hours... Dang! Problem is, I was never perfect, even before I fell into the pit of grief. Why does anyone think anyone is-or should be- perfect? Why do I keep thinking that? Especially now!

[Patty65]

I have written a poem last week about Ron, digging holes, regrets... maybe I can share it later.  

It is in my journal at home, I'm again at work, trying to hold on.  It has been several days since I have been able to post.  I don't remember what I read about the rules here, when there is such extreme despair that it becomes dangerous.  It's where I've been.  I didn't want to risk posting, I was too desperate. Honestly, I still am.  The shop is failing, an employee broke the ravioli maker, it will cost $7K in revenue and repairs that I cannot afford.  That's one of a hundred issues, and its just too much.  We - I - may have to close.  And that's just the final straw. Or boulder. To lose Ron, and then our Dream... like hanging from a tightrope over the abyss, and only my pinky finger is left still holding on, and it's the weakest, and its failing.  There is no place, no one, no family, no life, no dream.  I'm on a rock in the middle of the Pacific, alone, no family, and the mainland is a foreign world reserved for vacations with my honey who is no longer. So impossible to keep going. And I'll go now, having said too much.

[mittam99]

Patty, I'm so sorry you're in such pain and life feels so nearly impossible right now.

You should see many of my posts from my earlier days of grief, when I was ready to give up.  If it wasn't for many of the kind members here and a few friends that allowed me talk to things out on the phone, I don't know if I would have made it. Please don't ever feel as though you can't post here if you're in despair. We all want to help in any way we can.

Losing Ron and now possibly your restaurant has to be overwhelming, understandably. I know how you can wake up and your world looks so bleak and so impossible. I've had many of those moments since Tammy died. I have lost everything in this world that mattered to me, that I loved. I've lost the future that I thought Tammy and I were destined for. Believe me, I know how hard this all is and how hopeless it feels.

But, I can also say that this life that now feels so awful can get better, it will get better. Just try not to overwhelm yourself by thinking too far into the future.

I just wish I knew the right words to give you some sense of comfort. My prayers and my heart goes out to you.

Last but not least, please post that poem you wrote about your beloved Ron. I'd love to read it (as we all would).

[kayc]

Patty,

I wish I could throw you a lifeline, for I fear you are paddling water and afraid you're going under.  This sounds horrible, but it's actually helped me sometimes to think "what is the worst that could happen" and then go from there.  Like if the worst thing is you lose your business, what would happen then, you'd probably get a job and bring home more $ than you are with your business and actually have time leftover at the end of the day to breathe.  I know that's not what you want, and I hope you can keep it going because I understand the reasons why you're fighting so hard for it.

[Margm]

Patty, I can say too much, but you don't say enough.  We bleed on here.  Our pain comes through.  Your not going to say anything that has not already been said.  You are in a business, we are not all in a business, but there are some who are fighting through owning their own business.  Yours was just begun and you are facing monumental problems..  I know family dynamics came down on me like Niagara Falls and I did not have time to grieve. 

Billy and I thought the one left would RV.  At first I thought I was letting him down by not taking the RV.  But, I could not face RVing without him.  Living in an apartment would be the very last thing Billy would do.  Am I disappointing him?  He did tell me that the one left must live.  If I am to live, I have to figure out a way to live.  It was not the way Billy would have done it.  Oddly enough, this I don't feel guilty about.   

All I know is there has to be time for you.  I do not know how to find that time.  But, I do know that you do not have to be afraid to say anything on here or try to hide things. People are here to help. 

[Patty65]

Yes, I've been known to be the quieter one, Marg... Ron was the talker, I was the listener.  He had a rough childhood, and did not feel loved, a home with domestic violence, he was shipped off a lot to relatives, yet he did not have a mean bone in his body.  He was fiercely protective of my daughter and I though.  He made a lot of mistakes trying to find love and happiness before we found each other, and he had many regrets that would affect his self esteem.  And it affected his ability to take care of himself, and be worth getting better.  And I should have been able to help more.

Mitch and Kay, you all are so much stronger than I am, so tenacious in your fight to survive in the middle of this heartbreak. I am none of those things anymore.

 

Ron

You were a little boy, crouching,

Searching for love in the cold night - 

Unrequited, sad, lonely, grasping,

You crouched even lower and you dug a hole

Deep in the earth you found a gemstone, and it pleased you.

It was pleasure.

It could suffice, that pleasure.

And so you dug deeper and found more,

But there were sharp rocks among those gemstones

They cost you, those regrets, and they cut you.

 

So you climbed out, searching for love again

And you found me, alone and searching too, in the dark

The dawn grew bright

As you made me whole

As you loved so deeply

So gratefully

So completely

I was so loved

And so proud to be loved

On our bright day

 

But that hole, now gemless, would beckon you.

Draw you

Snatch you back.

 

I would hold on, and make you remember

Our daylight

Our blinding beauty

Our life, our love

And you would crawl out to me

And you would find me, all over again

And I'd be loved, all over again

Your gratefulness swelling even larger than before

 

But with each fall, you'd fall harder. Deeper.

The sharp rocks cut you

And drained you

Of your very life

Until you had barely a breath left

But you crawled out one last time

And looked at me

Pleading for our daylight

Our life, our love

 

But the sun was setting for us - 

You slipped away.

You made it out of your hole, 

But you are gone.

 

And now, I am just alone in the dark

Staring at an empty hole,

Wondering how I could have kept you

From falling in so very many times

And why 

I could not keep you in my arms

And make our daylight last forever.

 

[MartyT]

Patty, your poem is beautiful. It takes my breath away . . .

[KATPILOT]

Very moving Patty.  You shared that with a lot of people who can hear and feel what you've written. I know it's hard right now but one day things will make sense. Please have faith in that.  My wife would tell me "We'll get through this. We always do".  With what is happening with your business right now, it's a good mantra especially when answers are not with us.

[KATPILOT]

On ‎4‎/‎29‎/‎2016 at 7:16 AM, kayc said:

 

The one thing that has never changed, no matter how much time goes by...I still miss him.  I still love him.  And somewhere out there, I know he still loves me.

You bet he does Kay. I just love the story you've written. That you hold that memory for these years, shows us how much you still love him . It touches me like I can't tell ya.

 

[Polly]

Patty,

Love the poem. Thank you for sharing. I feel the same way right now. Just not sure how to go on or what to do. I'm a mess. I can hear Richard telling me that everything will work out. It always does, somehow.

[mittam99]

Patty said: "Mitch and Kay, you all are so much stronger than I am, so tenacious in your fight to survive in the middle of this heartbreak. I am none of those things anymore."

Patty, it may feel like that right now but you have shown me plenty of tenacity, strength and courage. You're at the point in your journey where it's easy to feel overwhelmed and that you "just can't do this". To feel like you "don't have it in you anymore". That you've lost your passion for everything. Grief is like that. Tomorrow you may wake up and things may feel just a bit better. Grief isn't a sprint. It's a challenge tougher than a marathon, decathalon, high hurdles and a climb up Mt. Everest combined.

Even though it seems like an impossible task, you can do this! One day at a time, ok?

[Patty65]

Mitch, I hear you.

[brat#2]

Thank you for sharing your poem Patty.  It is beautiful and I could feel every word, it made me cry.  I'm sorry you are having to go through the rough times with your business, but like Kay said, what is the worse that could happen?  I know it was you and Ron's dream, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to struggle so much and would like your life to be easier.  Just take one day at a day and it will all work out for the better.

Joyce

[KATPILOT]

Polly Richard is indeed telling you that and your right. Somehow it does work out.

[Patty65]

(((hugs)))

[KATPILOT]

Pulled?  Not a chance.  I know it's not the same Patty but I was so freaking scared at the beginning. I owed the Mayo 350,000 since they were out of network for my insurance and my business was suffering for I had all but checked out for the four months we battled the cancer. When she died I so wanted to join her. All my problems would end and most importantly, I'd be with the only one who could save me. I don't even know how I got where I am today but it will, it absolutely will. 

No, I do know what saved me. In no small part, people here saved me. I kept on talking and listening and no one ever pulled the crap that spewed out of my mouth.

[Patty65]

i pulled it myself, sorry

[kayc]

Patty, you are going through so much more and I see you as very brave and strong, for what you are trying to do while in the midst of your early and heavy grief.  That takes guts.  

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Thank you for sharing your poem Patty. 

but like Kay said, what is the worse that could happen?  I know it was you and Ron's dream, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to struggle so much and would like your life to be easier.  Just take one day at a day and it will all work out for the better.

Yes, Patty, if is a beautiful poem.

i have found it best not to ask what the worst is that can happen.  Mostly because I don't want to find out.  Life before Steve leaving I never thought of such things.  Now I know a reality that is harsher than ever imagined.  I agree with brat, one day at a time.  Too easy to get swallowed into the 'what ifs'.  As our minds are not really our allies right now, best not to listen to thier catastrophic thoughts if possible.  I'm not saying I can do it either, but I try and be aware of how sneaky it can be.

[kayc]

In this case, the worst has already happened and the second worst would be her losing the business...but I was trying to point out that even if that happened, she'd probably make more $ at a job and have time leftover at the end of her day.  I wasn't telling her to think catastrophic.

[Gwenivere]

Never said you were, Kay.  Just relaying my experience about how powerful the mind can be when we are vulnerable.  As always, just my opinion.  

[mittam99]

Today's trigger... Sonny and Cher.

I was minding my own business watching an episode of Mad Men on Netflix...

Then, the song "I Got You Babe" started playing and I cried like a baby. After all, that "I got you babe" feeling was something Tammy and I always had. Perfect for each other. Made for each other. Better together. 

"I got you to hold my hand
I got you to understand
I got you to walk with me
I got you to talk with me
I got you to kiss goodnight
I got you to hold me tight
I got you, I won't let go
I got you to love me so
I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe"

The realization that I don't have Tammy here with me hits so deep and so painfully. It's like a prize fighter just landed a direct hit to my stomach. My heart literally aches. That I got you babe feeling was supposed to last forever. Our love story for the ages was meant to have so many more chapters added to it. The story was never supposed to end with me alone in misery.

I live my life with Tammy in my heart for always. But, at times, it just isn't enough. It's not the same; it will never be the same. I need her in my arms. I need her back!

I know this wave will pass, until the next one arrives and knocks me down. This journey is gut wrenchingly hard.

I'm trying so hard in this new world yet it often feels like I'm just treading water until I can truly find my purpose.

 

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch, I definitely understand.  Today is a special day calendar wise and just a strange emotional day.  It started by remembering the moment I met my beloved wife.  For both of us it was such a special day and complete surprise.  This afternoon, I had a challenging work estimate.  My sleep patterns have been off this last week. despite trying to sleep in, I was interrupted and only got 3 1/2 hours sleep.  This dark cloud has enveloped me all afternoon and evening. I was having trouble breathing and catching my breath just like the very early stages of grief.  Will I every move forward and beyond this gut wrenching breath stopping episodes? I  wonder if it was because I didn't drink my greens juice today. I don't know.  Sometimes, I just feel extremely lonely and it hurts. I have a full workday tomorrow so I will get to bed early and catch up on some sleep.  Tomorrow, is a new day with new opportunities for grace and growth. Shalom - George  

[scba]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 

The realization that I don't have Tammy here with me hits so deep and so painfully. It's like a prize fighter just landed a direct hit to my stomach. My heart literally aches. That I got you babe feeling was supposed to last forever. Our love story for the ages was meant to have so many more chapters added to it. The story was never supposed to end with me alone in misery.

 

Dear Mitch, I join you in sharing these feelings. True love is not supposed to match with being left alone in misery, I don't understand.