It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

41 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Tomorrow, is a new day with new opportunities for grace and growth. Shalom - George  

Absolutely true, George. Today, like you, I had that wave that overwhelmed me so much it felt like I was back in March 2015. I could hardly breathe and I cried out for my Tammy over and over. It truly hurt so bad.

The difference is that a year ago a moment like that had me questioning whether I could even go on with this life. Now, a year further into my grief journey, I'm able to put it more in perspective. Yes, the waves of sadness and pain hurt every bit as much as a year ago, but, I've learned to handle them better.

Not having Tammy here with me will always hurt. That's a given. But I'm also able to see that what I had with Tammy will never die. That love, that relationship, that special bond...that will be with me forever! 

I draw strength from that. The love Tammy and I shared was incredibly powerful. With it, we could move mountains. Even though Tammy is no longer physically here with me, the power of our intense love is what has propelled me forward in my grief journey.

Tammy was my whole life and she will always be my inspiration.

[kayc]

George, I hope you sleep well tonight, I went through that night before last so took 2 sleeping pills last night, still didn't get enough, but it beat three hours.

Those special days/numbers can be hard, all of us can attest.

[mittam99]

The past couple of days have been horrible. Not really related to grief, yet, as all things do in this new life my grief affected my reactions to events.

I've run a number of websites over the years. My longest running one has been online since 2002. Well the other night I couldn't sleep so I fired up my tablet and checked out that site. To my dismay, the page couldn't be displayed because "the domain expired".  Basically it means the site is gone. I was in shock and immediately contacted the company I pay to host the site. They were non-responsive. The customer service phone number had been disconnected. So essentially my host went belly up and never told/warned me. Before Tammy died, I would have gone ballistic and my heart would be racing. Fourteen years of work deleted without my knowledge! But you know what? At this point, in the scheme of things, I'm taking it in stride. This is minor compared to the important things I've lost in my life. Things like love and the companionship  of my perfect soul mate. Still, I am angry.

Then today, after my work shift, I find my car blocked in by a contractors truck. I get ahold of the truck driver who was off in another part of the parking lot, working on replacing some cement. Anyway, after we get past the language barrier issue, he moves the truck and you'd think the story ends, right?  Well, as I'm getting in my car to leave, I notice the entire car is covered in some sort of powder. Clearly it was from this construction crew. I'm not happy but I leave and go home. Two minutes into my drive it starts raining, so I put my wipers on to the "mist" setting. Then things get crazy. I realize that this white powder all over my paint and windshield is cement powder. You can actually see it thickening up on my windshield. So, I start driving at ultra-illegal speeds in an effort to get home before my car is encased in cement. Thankfully after a lot of hard work (people must have thought I was crazy washing and detailing my car in the rain) it's pretty much ok.

So that incident was bad enough. But I don't  have my Tammy here with me to talk things out. I really needed a hug after that. Maybe even a glass or two of wine!

This all made me think about something that happened in 2010. I was driving home from work and my car was t-boned by a guy going about 60mph in a 40mph zone. My car was totaled but luckily I was able to walk away from the accident with only minor aches and pains. Matter of fact, this happened a mile from our house and I was able to walk home. So, in the house I go and I'm telling Tammy the story. At first she thought I was kidding because I was so cool and calm about it. Even making jokes. She kind of expected me to be upset and maybe even crying (the car was "my baby" and I sunk over $10,000 into customizing it). But, as I explained to her, I realized walking home that, the car was just a car. I mean, I was shaken up, but I was physically ok. And when I walked into the bedroom and saw Tammy, I realized that she was all that really mattered to me.

And that's what's so hard about this new life. Tammy was all that mattered to me. She was my world, was my life, my source of unconditional love. She was truly the best part of me. Sometimes it's hard to fathom how I've survived these 14 months. But somehow I have. Tammy always said "Mitch, you are capable of anything if you put your mind to it". Tammy had a lot of faith in me. I was so blessed to have this amazing woman as my wife. And I do draw strength from what we had together. Even when my energy and reserves are low I'm able to push forward because Tammy (and her love) is always motivating me. And always will.

[brat#2]

Mitch, that is to true, not having that one person there to tell that something has happened is really hard, but in the scheme of things now, you are also correct in that the only thing that mattered in life was them.  This new life is really hard to get use to.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Joyce, I don't know if we ever get used to it.

It's more of a realization that it's not the same life we had and somehow we have to adapt our outlook to it.

Easier said then done of course and each of us will take a different path to get there. "Whatever works for you" needs to be the mantra in grief.

[MartyT]

What's happened to you these last two days is beyond the pale, Mitch ~ but I admire your positive attitude. You DO deserve a hug. I know it's not from your beloved, but this will have to do ~ and it comes from all of us:

  

[KarenK]

Mitch,

Marty beat me to it, but I will send my hug anyway. Even after 3 years(today) of Ron's being gone, I still long for his presence. It certainly made those bad things more bearable. I guess we'll just have to believe that he & Tammy are out there somewhere listening to us. I will never forget how he would call to me from the family room as he watched TV and say "Did you see that?" or "Did you hear that/", when I was completely at the other end of the house. I couldn't possibly have seen or heard what he referred to and could barely hear him. I can't hear him at all now.

[scba]

Dear Karen and Mitch, I would like to send you a hug. 

 

[kayc]

Mitch,

You have me in tears!  I'm not sure if they're happy or sad, just emotional.  Your post is beautiful even though it's horrible too...beautiful because you have learned so much and you have everything in perspective and horrible because you had 

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

 

 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

I will never forget how he would call to me from the family room as he watched TV and say "Did you see that?" or "Did you hear that/", when I was completely at the other end of the house. I couldn't possibly have seen or heard what he referred to and could barely hear him. I can't hear him at all now.

I miss that too.  Steve always thought I could hear him. It's just a bad I can't call to him to have him see something I am watching.    Or pause it til I could get him in here to see.  I miss saving something funny showing to him like a commercial that is exceptionally funny.  It's so darned hard being the only one here that cares about anything now.  That is, when I can stir up that feeling,

[mittam99]

Today is exactly 14 months since my precious Tammy died. And it's a Friday just like it was on March 6, 2015. This is not easy. So much has changed yet so much is still the same. My love for Tammy is unchanged. Many things in our house are unchanged. But life doesn't feel the same in any way. It doesn't feel the same when I come home from work. That used to be the greatest feeling. Knowing I would get to be with my sweet Tammy after a hard day at work. Now it's just me, myself and I trying to figure out a way to stay motivated once I'm home. Cooking food is now a chore and no longer the pleasure it was when I would see Tammy's face light up when she ate one of the meals I made her. Laying in bed and rolling over towards Tammy's side no longer means I can reach out and snuggle her or tickle her or touch her. I miss the softness of her skin. Now I just see two pillows and an empty space (unless you count my phone and the remotes laying there).

Watching TV now is mostly just background noise or the occasional distraction when I actually do watch it. I miss watching the old classic movies on TCM that Tammy and I loved so much. Heck, I even miss watching some of the shows that Tammy got me hooked on like the Housewives and Project Runway and Y&R.  We loved all the cooking shows like Chopped and Top Chef and Cutthroat Kitchen. I can't watch any of them now. I feel so sad that I've found some great shows on Netflix to watch but Tammy can't enjoy them with me. We used to love our date nights at restaurants. Now, I can't even imagine eating at one alone. I miss the intimacy of being with that special person that you can share any thought with no matter how silly it may be. I miss Tammy's incredible laugh and her soft, sweet soothing voice that was filled with love. 

Everyday, in every way, I miss my Tammy. Yes, we had many, many challenges. Money (well lack of it) was a major issue. Tammy's poor health was something we dealt with daily. Katie was not an easy child in any way. But, at the end of the day we knew we had it better that most because we were together. Because we had a love that few had ever experienced. We knew we were soul mates; two people could never be a more perfect fit. It's cliche, but we were made for each other. 

That I'm even functioning at the level I am these days is a testament to the power of our love. In my life with Tammy, my goal was to be her knight in shining armor. Hers was to be my perfect wife, a goal she definitely succeeded at. In this new life, it would be easy to just give up. After all it's not the life I wanted or the life  I had before. Many days it feels like not much of a life at all. But Tammy never gave up in the face of overwhelming odds. She faced every day with courage and grace and humor. And I choose to live my life in the same way. How could I not? Tammy and I always inspired each other in life and though she physically isn't here with me she will always be the best part of me. 

My Tammy. My angel. My inspiration.

 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Mitch,

I'm new here and I just wanted to say that you are giving me a lot of courage, and I want to thank you and your Tammy for giving me that gift.

My heart understands some of your heartbreak and wishes you to feel less anguish.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, words are so terribly hard to find.  Your testament to your life with Tammy is beautiful even thru the pain.  I don't know what I can say but you were both meant to be.  She is gone too soon.

[brat#2]

Mitch - not much I can say other than I know your pain and see how much you and Tammy were wonderful together.  Hugs coming to you today.

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch...

What you say resonates with me, too.  When I sit quietly (which I don't do too often because it is SO hard), and the idea of never seeing Mark again in this lifetime is so overwhelming.  He always was MY knight in shining armor.  There was no one more on my side, more willing to protect or do anything he could for me.  And he was MY chance to do the same.  I do not even talk about my loss with many people any longer; mostly just here.  Last night was a big night on Grey's Anatomy, and the one person who was as excited about it as me...is gone.  And I feel alone.  Like you, I miss Mark's sense of humor...to hear him laugh was the warmest sound in the world. Like this post says...it hurts SO bad.  

[Margm]

8 hours ago, mittam99 said:

In this new life, it would be easy to just give up.

When I found Billy's hunting boots, in the room I never looked in, I had thought I was through with the losing my breath crying.  This was different.  I was crying, but not the bucket of tears crying, I did have the losing my breath gasping.  I went to the bathroom to be alone and could not quit the gasping for air.  This was new.  I had not taken a Xanax in the daytime in many days.  I usually use it to keep my chin from shaking (extension of the congenital tremor) when I go out in public.  But this time I took one.  I remember I am not the spring chicken I once was.  I also remember I have in motion this move and Robert Frost speaks to me "miles to go before I sleep."  But, a couple of months ago I would have wanted to extend the breathlessness and let come what may.  The point I am making is, I was not ready to give up just yet.  I don't know what would have happened a couple of months ago.  I think that kind of gasping would lead to fainting certainly.  I think it was hyperventilating.  I know to breathe into a paper bag.  (Do they make paper bags anymore?) Luckily, or unluckily it quit.  I feel your words Mitch "It would be easy to just give up."  I just know if I gave up it would leave a big mess for my family to clean up.  I cannot do that to them, if I can help it at all.  Some things you cannot help, if that happens then I cannot worry about it.  But, if I feel I can fight it right now, I will, but it would be so easy to "just give up."  

[kayc]

Mitch,

Tammy changed your life forever the day you first said hello.  Even in the face of her death, your life remains changed because of her.  Never again will you look at anything in life the same!  

[mittam99]

Thanks for everyone's kind words who have posted. I just wanted to reply to a couple of quotes and then a final thought (I've been thinking of the best way to put it into words since early this morning).

 

11 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Mitch,

I'm new here and I just wanted to say that you are giving me a lot of courage, and I want to thank you and your Tammy for giving me that gift.

Marita, thank you for saying that. You have no idea how much that means to me and how important those words are to me. I know you're struggling right now. Please keep posting at the forum and we will try our best to help.

 

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Mitch, words are so terribly hard to find.  Your testament to your life with Tammy is beautiful even thru the pain.  I don't know what I can say but you were both meant to be. 

Thanks Gwen. Tammy was a joy to me in every way. Early on in our relationship, we both knew we were made for each other. We always had fun. We were like two kids in a candy shop, just living the life. When her illness started to get bad (in 2007), I realized how incredibly courageous Tammy was. I've never seen anyone handle such adversity with so much grace. Tammy tried not to let her illness consume her or change her happy go lucky spirit. Sepsis, a cardiac arrest, serious kidney infections, lung surgery, hemorrhaging, blackouts on and on. A different person might have found it easier to just give up. But that wasn't who Tammy was. She wore her battle scars with pride. When she survived when they didn't expect it, well, that was just another notch in her belt.  And I have to admit, my positive, encouraging spirit helped Tammy get through  those difficult moments. Tammy always knew I'd be there at all times, giving her all the support and love I could. Being her champion when she couldn't speak for herself. We did have a love for the ages and we were a perfect team and better together.

--------------------------------------------------------

 

A final thought...

My grief journey, like all of ours has had many ebbs and flows. I'm at a point now where I believe my journey can help others who are in pain. I know from first hand experience how painful this all is. Those memories of our beloved can hurt so bad. Knowing that the person who made your life complete, is gone. It's normal to question why you even bother trying to move forward.  The reality is sometimes it does feel like a bleak world of nothing. Nothing but hopelessness. And yes, it would be easier to just "give up". But you know what?  Your loved one that died, the one who made you feel like life was worth living, they can serve as your inspiration in life now.  How horrible would it be if those memories of your love only brought sadness and tears? Let's not make the legacy of our loved ones our new world of pain and misery. Let's remember them and all that love and all their courage and use that as energy to propel us forward and to give us hope.

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

 Last night was a big night on Grey's Anatomy, and the one person who was as excited about it as me...is gone.  And I feel alone.  Like you, I miss Mark's sense of humor...to hear him laugh was the warmest sound in the world. Like this post says...it hurts SO bad.  

This made me cry because Steve had one if the loudest, sincere, always finding humor in everything laugh.  He'd laugh so hard sometimes his eyes would water.  He would have others laughing at his treatments and n the ER.  I think more than anything, more than his moving around, clatter of projects in the garage, even more than his music.....I miss that the most.  He lived with his cell phone glued to his ear so was always talking to a buddy so it was a constant thruout the day and definitely a part of evening alone.  So many things we live without now, but some cut deeper than others.

[scba]

" To love without anything to hold, without anything to touch, to love without context or border - these are not easy ways to love". Megan Devine

[mittam99]

Ana that quote is, of course, very true. There's nothing about this new life we have that is easy. Our beloved is no longer with us physically. Sure, we can touch the clothes they wore or put our head on their pillow or spray their cologne or perfume. We can look  at photographs... but... as we know, that's not nearly the same. On the other hand,  that intense love we shared, and that wonderful bond that made us a couple will always be inside of us.

And for me, it's that intense love Tammy and I shared that allows me to live in this new world and have some moments of comfort. The hard part is being able to harness all that love and use it in a motivating way. It's hard to feel motivated when all your thoughts and memories bring tears to your eyes and knots to your stomach. Maybe what I'm saying isn't ringing true for you right now. You may not be at the point in your journey to do this. I'm sure some people think "that's all well and good for you Mitch, but I'm not feeling it". And that's ok. We all go about this journey at our own pace. To the beat of our own inner drummer.

I'm only saying that, for me, this is the way I've been able survive and to function. 

[scba]

Mitch, I understand what you mean. Lately I don't know where I am in my journey... perhaps it is not necessary to find about it right now. I have cough these days and my body feel tired, again! 

[mittam99]

Ana, if you're feeling ill, the best thing you can do is try to rest and take care of your body. You need your health and your strength in this journey none of us want to be on.

Hugs.

[Gin]

This journey is so hard, especially doing it alone.  Most of my family and friends are finished and not too interested in dealing with grief anymore.  The phone calls are few and far between.  Even though Al was so good to my kids, it is not their father and not the same.  I have no ambition to work in the yard.  None at all!  There is always something going wrong with the house and lately, my body.  It is such a lonely existence.  I am seriously thinking about getting a dog.  Our dog of 18 years died about 5 years ago.   Al did not want another one.  Because of Al's blindness, he was afraid of tripping over a new dog. 

[Margm]

I had the chance to see Robert Frost at John F. Kennedy's inauguration (on TV, not in person, and black and white).  I did not realize he had so much grief in his family.  He had so much with his family as a child and after he married.  Now we see other people's suffering in their writings.