It hurts so bad

[Guest]

I know several couples who are in relationships I would consider to be co-existence.  Deedo and I were, if anything, co-dependent.  

[kayc]

I've just wondered why it took me a lifetime to find my soul mate, only to lose him just a few years later.  We were lucky to have each other at all, because as you say, many never do experience that.  That is why so many don't get it.  Like my sister telling me I'm lucky (I'm not married) because she has to listen to the sports up loud all the time.  Lucky???  I reminded her of all the things she is lucky about and what the reality of my situation is.  But it's probably lost on her because she's in a marriage that is nothing like the marriage George and I had.  She married a boor and stuck it out and although I wouldn't call it loveless, soul mates they are not.  They are to be pitied, those who have never had what we've had...

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

Deedo and I were, if anything, co-dependent.  

I know at times Tammy kind of felt she was dependent on me for too much (once she became disabled). That wasn't the case at all, of course. How could I not do all I did for the woman of my dreams? After all, she gave me the ultimate gift daily ... unconditional love. We truly were better together and perfect for one another.

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

I know several couples who are in relationships I would consider to be co-existence.  Deedo and I were, if anything, co-dependent.  

Brad I think codependent can be okay if both parties are. It probably deserves another word but if alcohol is not involved than I think codependent works. By basic definition, to both be dependent on each other. My first marriage was twenty years of living with an alcoholic. I was codependent for sure as I had to learn all about that. When I met Kathy, that word took on a different meaning.

 

18 minutes ago, kayc said:

I've just wondered why it took me a lifetime to find my soul mate, only to lose him just a few years later.

  Kay I think we share that feeling. Although we had more years than you, it seems we waited a lifetime to finally find the right one. Life is not always fair yet not to have met her at all would have been tragic in it's own right.

[kayc]

Regardless of what I've been through because of losing him, I wouldn't have traded a moment with him for anything in the world.  He MADE my world!

[mittam99]

Kay and I talk on the phone regularly and I can tell you, without doubt, Kay's time with George is (by far) her most precious memory. They had quite a love story.

[Margm]

Billy and I started out as kids on shaky ground, but ended up on rock at the end.  We were just kids for a long time.

[MartyT]

Brad, I think the word you're looking for is interdependent (not co-dependent, which as Stephen says is a term associated with addiction). 

 

[mittam99]

Marg, that kind of brings this quote to mind...

[Guest]

Marty -

Thank you.  All I know is that when we were apart life was not as bright or exciting and it was when we were together.

 

[Margm]

Mitch, it was just a series of life and mistakes that made us so much stronger the last 20-30 years because we fought through it.  We didn't have to do that, but we became best friends instead of just partners.  Life seems useless without him, but I think we have all hit that stage more than once.

[mittam99]

47 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Mitch, it was just a series of life and mistakes that made us so much stronger the last 20-30 years because we fought through it. 

In the same way Marg, I believe that fighting through the challenges that present themselves in our grief journey make us stronger and allows us to progress. 

 

[Clematis]

Mitch, I love your quote! And it really speaks to me. I certainly got off to a rough start in life with both of my parents. There was not much I could do about things with my mother, who was intensely shame-based and narcissistic. But when I saw an opening with my dad, I went for the brass ring -- to have a relationship with him in his last years-ten of them-that anyone would envy as a relationship with an aging parent. We did it and it was great...except for the part that he's gone now.

I guess part of what I am facing now is that for him those ten years was his finish, but for me it is...I don't know what. A time for healing from the painful past and being able to let go of it so that I can transition into whatever is next in my life?

I have long had this analogy that life is like hiking out of the Grand Canyon, which I did a lot when I was younger-mostly alone. During some parts it is easy and spectacularly beautiful, during some parts you can see where you have been as well as where you are headed, and in some parts you are just hiking uphill and you can't see anything but the trail under your feet and it goes on & on and you just have to keep trudging uphill with no idea when you will come around a corner and have some perspective again. I am in one of those stretches now...

 

[mittam99]

22 hours ago, Clematis said:

I guess part of what I am facing now is that for him those ten years was his finish, but for me it is...I don't know what. A time for healing from the painful past and being able to let go of it so that I can transition into whatever is next in my life?

It probably is all those things but more importantly, you were there for him.

That's what really matters. You made those 10 years better for him. And that was a blessing for both of you.

[Clematis]

You are right, and the truth is that I probably made those ten years not just better but even possible for him. My sisters and I all believe that he would have shortly followed my mother when she died 11 years ago, when she was suddenly so sick (for 5 months) and then died, no one could see him going on without her. That happens so often with isolated men who suddenly lose their life partner. And he was so passive...all he was doing was going to the American Legion club to drink and going home to drink and fall and drink and fall. I was really trying to throw him a lifeline with the daily long phone calls and then coaxing him out to AZ. He had no desire to live with her gone and was puzzled at the idea that he even was alive. 

It was a blessing for both of us, and felt all along like borrowed if not stolen time. Ten years is a big chunk of anyone's life...it was a really big deal. But it's funny-it was so different from what I had in my life before, and I have no idea what will now follow...well it's hard to know what that means or will mean in the whole span of my life. I guess that's why I feel lost sometimes is that I don't know how this ten years fits with the past and will fit with the future. I have little perspective. I only know that I jumped into it with all of my heart and what I thought was right, and never regretted a moment of it.

Anyway, thanks Mitch!

[mittam99]

Another day and so many grief bursts. I just realized how often I tear up and cry in pain daily. And it's not just those triggers I see or hear. A good portion of these bursts just come from random thoughts in my head. I can be watching tv or eating or doing a chore and I think about Tammy and just lose it. How much I miss her, how undeserving she was of so many things, events of March 6th etc...

Yesterday, I found a notebook where Tammy had written thoughts/stories about her late dad. One of those notes mentioned our wedding day and of course I lost it when I read that.

I also found some get well cards folks had sent her during her last hospital stay. It was so hard reading those knowing she never did get better.

The difference between those bursts of today and say, six months ago is the longevity. I seem to be able to bounce back quicker. I'll be eating and have a burst of anguish and tears, then two minutes later I'm back eating and have regained my composure.

I guess you cay say I have a better handle on my grief? Or do we simply get used to the grief bursts and those waves and ride them more smoothly?

[Polly]

44 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

 

I guess you cay say I have a better handle on my grief? Or do we simply get used to the grief bursts and those waves and ride them more smoothly?

I really am not sure Mitch.

 I was just sitting here thinking how 6 months ago today Richard was still here. Today was the 3rd day in the hospital with no answers to what was going on with him. That night before they transferred him to another hospital it was the 1st time in days that he held my hand and squeezed it and told me that he loved me. I remember leaving the hospital that night and thinking that everything would be ok. You see Richard would tell me how much he loved me many times everyday. He would text me everyday when he would get to work. It was usually the same text, "good morning my love. I love you so much honey." Then every break he would send me a text with I miss you my love. Most days he would post on my FB wall before he left for work with the same thing. I think I miss those little messages the most.

[kayc]

I think we get used to the changes in our life little by little.  George worked 75 miles away from home, four tens, and he had car accidents due to driving while tired, so to keep him alive, I told him he really needed to get a place to stay near his job three nights a week.  I'd make him dinners ahead and send them with him.  Every day he'd call me at noon when he got up and I was on my lunch break (he worked graveyard), and he'd call me at 5:00 when he got to work and I was getting off work.  He'd call me on all of his breaks except the last one (he didn't want to wake me up).  After he died, when those times would roll around, it was really hard...the silence of the phone not ringing was deafening.  I didn't know how to live without him touching base with me.  The same with the weekends.  I was used to him showing up at my office right before quitting time Friday night, usually with a drippy ice cream cone for me.   I didn't know what to do with my weekends but to say they seemed lonely and joyless is a grave understatement.  I tried filling my time up with friends and scheduling my time away.  Eventually I had to learn to be alone and exist in solitude, with or without plans or people.  My weekends are very much alone now.  It's not my preference, but I've gotten more used to it in that somewhere along the way I no longer expected those phone calls, or his showing up at my job on Friday nights.  Somewhere along the way I had to get used to getting groceries alone and washing my car.  I had to get used to talking to myself or the dog because there was no one there to hear me...and no response.  Little by little the tears came less and less.  I still get grief bursts, just not as often.  

The one thing that has never changed, no matter how much time goes by...I still miss him.  I still love him.  And somewhere out there, I know he still loves me.

[Froggie4635]

Kay,

I can relate.  When Mark started his last job, we created a routine.  He would drop me off at work (he didn't work too far off; I went in early so our schedules would jive); lots of kisses and I love you before I got out of the car.  Then he would call me every afternoon when he went home to have lunch and take care of the babes.  I looked forward to that mid-day fix of Mark.  He liked the break of leaving work to go have lunch and also to make sure the dogs got to go out.  He would call me when he left work, so I could finish up and meet him out front.  Some days, he would show up without calling and surprise me and come in the office.  He loved seeing me in my work cubicle.  He also liked to visit with everyone I worked with.  We didn't live too far from where I worked, but on the way home he or I would vent about our day.  By the time we pulled in the driveway, things were good and we walked into the home feeling peaceful (most times).  I agree with you...missing him is the hardest thing.  I notice his absence more and more.  One thing I am so grateful for...we ALWAYS made sure we said I love you, and showed it all the time.  It was the one true constant in our life.

[kayc]

We did too, we were always holding hands, our love was very evident.

[brat#2]

Polly, Maryann and kay - when Dale and I were working outside of the home, he would get home about 1:00 and call me at the office, we would talk about our day so far, what we would have for dinner and always end with I love you.  When I started working from home and he was retired, we were spending almost 24/7 together.  The actual words I Love You were not said as often, but we certainly showed it to each other all the time.  He would stop by my office door and just watch me or walk by the door and give me a snide remark, we were always touching each other when we walked by each other or holding hands when watching tv.  We didn't have to say the words we showed it.  I miss that so much.

Mitch - I understand what you are saying about the daily pain.  I too, still tear up and cry probably every 2-3 hours, but the bursts don't last as long.  Like you said sometimes you really don't need a trigger, your own mind is your worst enemy. I'm not sure if we are getting better at it or like you said just use to it.

Joyce

[Cookie]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I think we get used to the changes in our life little by little.  George worked 75 miles away from home, four tens, and he had car accidents due to driving while tired, so to keep him alive, I told him he really needed to get a place to stay near his job three nights a week.  I'd make him dinners ahead and send them with him.  Every day he'd call me at noon when he got up and I was on my lunch break (he worked graveyard), and he'd call me at 5:00 when he got to work and I was getting off work.  He'd call me on all of his breaks except the last one (he didn't want to wake me up).  After he died, when those times would roll around, it was really hard...the silence of the phone not ringing was deafening.  I didn't know how to live without him touching base with me.  The same with the weekends.  I was used to him showing up at my office right before quitting time Friday night, usually with a drippy ice cream cone for me.   I didn't know what to do with my weekends but to say they seemed lonely and joyless is a grave understatement.  I tried filling my time up with friends and scheduling my time away.  Eventually I had to learn to be alone and exist in solitude, with or without plans or people.  My weekends are very much alone now.  It's not my preference, but I've gotten more used to it in that somewhere along the way I no longer expected those phone calls, or his showing up at my job on Friday nights.  Somewhere along the way I had to get used to getting groceries alone and washing my car.  I had to get used to talking to myself or the dog because there was no one there to hear me...and no response.  Little by little the tears came less and less.  I still get grief bursts, just not as often.  

The one thing that has never changed, no matter how much time goes by...I still miss him.  I still love him.  And somewhere out there, I know he still loves me.

Kayc:  That was so moving.  We too like everyone else here had a routine, and it's those things that are brutal to do without....the touch, hug, shared jokes, phone calls just to check in.  Oh how agonizing it is without it.  Ten months and it seems even harder.  You give me hope, though, that at some time I'll get over this big hump and level out some...warmly Cookie

[Gwenivere]

There are always triggers to keep running into.  Just earn I think I have hit them all, something else catches my attention.  Definitely the hardest thing was losing that daily communication and time together.  Those are the hardest.  I haven't written him a post it note in over 18 months and he collected them on the wall in his bathroom.  He used to want the plastic bread closers for cinching his guitar cords together.  I'd cry every time a loaf of bread was done and had to throw those out.  It can be the very smallest of things.  His van is always here when I get home, but a bread closer can bring me to tears!  We didn't do the calling much, but there was always lots to talk about when we were home.  My furry kids are always glad to see me, but they can't hug me or care much about my thoughts or experiences.  I talk to them, but they just cock thier heads wondering when I will get around to the important thing like a treat.  My treat would be to see his smiling face.  

[Gin]

Those routine things really get me.  I went to the dentist today.  When I used to leave the dentist, I would always call Al and tell him that I would be home soon.  Today I reached for my phone to call him.  Then I started crying. The tears are always ready to come.  We always held hands, also.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I guess you cay say I have a better handle on my grief? Or do we simply get used to the grief bursts and those waves and ride them more smoothly?

That is a good question.  I know when I fall into the grief abyss it is as deep and dark as it always was.  But I do find them keeping me hostage a bit shorter.  Maybe if I because we have been there so many times and know the 'dialogue' and run thru it faster.  All I do know is they are always there, lurking, and we never know what will make us fall in.  Maybe we are slowly building a ladder out a step at a time, tho is is a very deep hole.