nats

Hello Mary, I'm right there with you my friend, my 3 year mark is Valentines Day and the anxiety/stress/emotion/sadness and emptiness among other feelings of grief have crept out showing it's face reminding me of that life changing day 2/14/10. My son and his wife visited me with my new Grandson this past weekend and really brought the emotions to a full blown meltdown, as Ruth so wanted her first Grandchild so bad, I know she was present in spirit as my dogs and cat were restless and almost looking for her. Another thing that's tough is all the Valentines hype, rolling out within weeks of Christmas triggers it yearly, as does Christmas it's self. Glad to hear your day went well...my day falls on a Thursday this year and I'm off that day so I'm going to keep myself busy until my best friend Brenda is off work then we will work out at the gym and have dinner as normal. Hope your doing well...I dont post as often but read all the new topics and drop in once in awhile, seems everyone is forging forward at there own pace...that's good to read. NATS

Mary (Queeniemary), This post stood out and I needed to respond... It's good to read your positive thinking and reasoning concerning... "I need to try to move on, however. I do not like being alone, I miss the companionship, the shared jokes, the shared looks, the inside knowledge of another person. I do not know if that will happen again for me, but I am hopeful. I will not be actively looking, but will try to become more open to that possibility. At 67, I doubt my hopes are very realistic, but who knows. My Dad remarried 5 years after my Mother's death, and he was 85! Of course, the marriage turned out to be a disaster for him, but he was willing to take a chance. I don't particularly want to marry again, but would like, again, to have someone who thinks of me before anyone else". That is a subject that does not get enough focus...everyone of us I know miss our spouses deeply and always will, and many feel they could never encounter love with another person...but as Human beings we require and seek to be loved and love in return...we were not meant to our lives alone since our spouses have passed, many people just do for some reason. I have been Blessed to have found that special person to enjoy many of the things you mentioned and have indeed found a "New Love"... I say New Love because this Love is unlike no other so it is indeed New, I take these moments and fully absorb every aspect that I never knew existed before the passing of my wife...I have learned much during this grieving process and continue to each day. So I say to you... follow your heart, keep an open mind, believe and go with the flow and you never know what will happen. Happy to hear you had such a good time during the holidays. May Positive Energy Fill You Each Day NATS

Hello Angel... We all know the pain and heartache your feeling, the first days, months, and year are indeed one of the most trying times you'll endure...take things at your pace, one day at a time...it's good you have support and also know you have found it here as well...I offer my sympathy during this time and I hope and pray you my find some comfort in the days ahead.... NATS

Yes, indeed Thank You!...this forum and all we have here has been a very big part in my healing... May Peace Be With You Always

OK Now... Marty always finds ways to get us going and moving ahead, but that's why she's the moderator, Kudos again Marty... From the other side we as men also miss the very same things as our spouses or you do now, of course on a different perspective but it was hard and another "change we adapt to", I did not miss the sex portion at first mainly the touching, holding and cuddling. I felt guilty I had not done enough of those things even though we did plenty but once they are gone you for sure want it back and more. The portion of the blog that stood out that's quoted below stood out to me because I am blessed to have had that hope happen... Quoted Text From widowsvoice "I hope that I will find love again. And I hope that it finds me. I hope that I am loved as deeply and as fully as Jim loved me. I hope that I will again have a fulfilling sex life. (I still hope that my kids aren't reading this!) I hope that my days of making love are not over. And I hope that I am able to be that close, that intimate, that "as one" with a man again. But that's all I have. Hope. No guarantees.No promises.No one in my sights. Just hope". It does and can happen if it's meant to be, I have found a remarkable physical, mental, and intellectual connection with Brenda my "hope" that I have never had before, not in my first marriage of 25 years that ended in divorce or in my marriage to Ruth...they were both special and great for sure, Ruth being the one that I felt the closet bond and a love like I had not had before and she taught me much, but now I'm finding I don't miss a moment of not telling Brenda the little things, always holding hands and touching, and the intimacy is surreal. I think the fact that Brenda's spouse was not like that much adds to the bond as she is now learning a new way to be loved...in short I would say just keep your hearts open for whatever is down your path, some will find that "hope" and some will not, but we all will continue on our journey and you will indeed know when you find it...take the new road slow and cherish the moments like you've never done before...amazingly this grief journey is a teaching and learning journey we fail to see as we feel such dispair... May Peace Be With You All... NATS

Dave, I had the same reaction when I moved a year and 7 months ago, I was happy yet unhappy, I found what bothered me most was the new home had no memories of Ruth and that bothered me, I was also angry her children did not honor her wishes to sign off on there interest so I could be the soul owner of our home as she passed with no will. I have done as she wished on my part as I sent the jewelry she wanted them to have to them last month and that makes me feel complete and it indeed makes her happy, but as I look at the whole picture they did me a favor as the home was in need of repairs and a mobile home which grows not equity, I am now in the dream home she always wanted as we had talked about moving before she got sick. Things always seem the darkest before the light but somehow we all find our way, I'm happy now as my new relationship is growing and my new home is a neutral place where Brenda and I are growing our momories, she is cleaning out her spouses workshop and preparing to move as well, we have talked about living together but we are still moving slow. Keep the path ahead moving forward and your mind open as all will fall into place as time goes by. Peace Be With You NATS

Enna, I'm very surprised what working out has done for me, it gives me a new confidence I didn't have before and it surely helps with the daily stress this life places on us...many times while at the gym the younger people are not even close to the "being fit" as this "old guy" as they call me sometimes, I hear and see the reactions from many as I tone and workout, many seem puzzled at how my body has transformed since February when Brenda and I joined, we both were not overweight but as we all know as we age things go south and doing these routines we have both regained some of the youth we had, I sent my youngest son a picture the other day and he was amazed his "old man Dad" is almost in as good a shape as him, and I have had some of the youth ask me how I do it, then I explain it has taken dedication and hard work with a "no pain, no gain" attitude, many can not believe I'm 54 and Brenda is 58. As for the meditation, this has became an interest to both of us as we have "signs" and "contact" with our spouses in suttle little ways, also watching a show on TV has drawn us to explore this phenomena. I have read we all have this gift many just have it more than others and it needs to be developed. I read material on this both in print and on-line and have made this part of my daily routine, it has became very intense at times. I will PM you with a few links to this type of meditation as I'm unsure about posting them on the forum as I do not want to offend anyone or stray from the guidelines here, if Marty reads this and approves of me posting public I will. May Peace Be With You... NATS

Enna, Looks like what I'm reading from you is you are indeed taking things by the horns, so to speak. It's good to read your posts, and see your healing in full progress as well as others whom are members. I've not been on much attending to some business and working out, I joined the GYM... some of these new ventures we are taking are amazing, I liked what kayc said "At 70 I think we do well to crawl up on anything! I just turned 60 and I swear, if I ever slow down, I'll never get going again"!, I'm 54 and feel that way, I am doing things I didn't at 30 and feel I won't slow down till I receive my calling. On the meditation note, I have been doing a mediation that is done by mediums, following some steps to develop the ability to make contact. I have found some amazing comfort with these exercises and steps. Continued Peace.... NATS

Enna, We all feel your heartache and sadness in some way or another, but as we have discussed we have many positives still with us even if our spouse's are not with us in the physical sense...this is on Marty's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page and indeed fitting...and Jim is still by your side only now he is not only your Husband he is your Angel... NATS Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his (her) sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. ~ F. Alexander Magoun

JanC, This is indeed a comfort and becoming more common, Ruth's cremains are on a shrine I have in my living room, and my new Love Brenda has her husband's cremains on her dresser. We all must do what is most comforting for us during this most "trying time". I really like your poem and seems so perfect. NATS

Mik, This must be a common event, myself and my new love Brenda have also been going thru the same type of events, our spouses have been very much on both our minds...we both feel the waves rolling in and out, a medium says that they are "active" most when we feel stressed and/or going thru some changes in our lives, but they are here to comfort us even though we do not feel comforted at times. I have been watching a show on TLC called "Long Island Medium" with Theresa Caputo, and would recommend this to anyone who is going thru this grief journey, since watching this show it has reinforced my belief in the afterlife and "the spirit". Theressa will send chills that encompass your entire body when you see her "feel" the presence of the spirit...one story that touches me is when a young girl feels the presence of her father, as her dogs become very active when he's present, this happens to me as well, our dogs go nuts when Ruth is present as pets and children are more aware and affected by there presence. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but wanted to share as the "waves" we feel are a sign that they are still with us indeed just in a different aspect. I woke today in total tears and just cried my eyes out as I've been waiting for a call regarding an interview I had this past week and it's almost as if Ruth were here telling me I would get a call today, I felt her "spirit" as cold chills and a breeze as though she just walked past me on several occasions today...this is not the first time. I also have been dreaming of her lately and haven't before, I have even been having talks with her, I'm cautious to mention this to most except Brenda as many would think I'm "nuts". For example last weekend I was pressure washing her house and driveway when the washer just stopped for no apparent reason, while I was trying to figure it out her spouse said to me, "I'm so glad your here to do this for her, be patient with the washer it can be tempermental at times, check the oil", sure enough the oil was low and has a sensor that shuts it down when low, I filled the oil and it started back up...I had no clue it had this sensor. So I say to you and many, take the signs we receive as knowing our "departed" loved one are still indeed with us, and even as we feel sad and heart broken we are not alone. May you find comfort in the days to come and may peace be with you. I have included a link to Theresa and she was on "Live with Kelly" today, some of you may have seen her if you watch this program. Long Island Medium NATS

Melina, It was meant to show you that even at our place in this grief and despair we can find happiness and love again if we choose so, we must keep our minds open as well as letting our hearts guide us, we never know what may lie ahead. During this journey we are on, we have no road map so we must navagate the journey the best we can and take things with a new positive outlook with a common goal, to find comfort in our lives now that a most precious part of it is now gone. Wishng you comfort... NATS

Melina, My story is very similar to yours...I met Ruth while being single from my divorce and swore I'd never get involved again...she also had a very abusive marriage and had no intention of being with someone...we worked together and became friends, people swore we were involved romantically but just close friends, in 2004 we had some back to back hurricanes here in Florida and I called one day to see if she was OK after a rough storm, she was so surprised that I cared enough to call, we had dinner often and just hung out together, one night I was leaving to go home to my apartment and she asked me for a hug, that was the moment for some reason I just took her in my arms and kissed her, told her goodnight and left, driving down the road it hit me and I asked myself "what just happened" ???, when I arrived home I called her and said she also had the same question...well things grew at light speed, we became a couple and she asked me to move in, I was very hesitant at first but she insisted even going to the extent that she offered to put enough money aside so I could move back to an apartment if things did not work out...well that was the best move I had ever made as we became so much in Love and shared the most wonderful life, traveling, fishing, and just being together...she taught me so much about Loving and at my oldest son's wedding my ex-wife told her she wished I was the man I am now when we were married...she and my ex-wife even spoke on occasions about the two boys...we continued to have that perfect life until she was diagnosed but that only strengthened our Love and Bond, she fought so hard and told me many times she was not afraid of passing, what bothered her most was she would not be with me...she insisted I find Love again after she passed as she wanted me happy and wanted someone else to feel the Love and Compassion I had...well as you may have read I have indeed fallen in Love yet again and this is like no other, it started much the same way, dinners, and innocent time just being together, then one night late after dinner and an evening of long conversation, that simple kiss and hug as Brenda was leaving ignited a new Love that has grown intensely strong over the past two years, we have even talked about living together but Brenda became very independent after her husband passed in 2009 and has hesitations, she has changed some allowing me to care for her after some surgery in April, and doing simple things for her at her home...we are planning a trip to see my new Grandson at the end of the week and we have a bucket list we are checking off, we also take vacations each year at Christmas and have established our "Life", we still have open conversations about our spouse's as we both know we will always have a special place in our hearts for them, we also share the moments of grief waves that roll in at unexpected times, I think that is very important as we both grow in "our world". I hope you and other friends in grief find the answers and comfort you are seeking... NATS

Hello Leon, Yes...back to work is good if your up to it, I did and even with the waves during the day it did indeed help... Take things slow at your pace and establishing a routine with your new journey will keep you moving forward to your "new" life, I also established a routine each day and still do daily reflect and remember "positive" and "happy" times Ruth and I had... Our journey is a tough ride with many ups and downs, so another thing I do is work on "positive" energy opposed to thoughts that bring me down... I would keep the support group going for a bit longer for evaluation this whole grief journey takes time and you have only just began, but I'm positive you like all of us here will adapt the best you can...this forum has been very helpful for me in adapting, hearing and reading others feelings and thoughts help me piece together and make sense of this journey...your doing fine with your posts it's a little confusing if you have never been on forum before but if you get stuck just ask someone will help you out, pics or images can be confusing even for people who have been on other forums as they all differ a little. Take care, keep posting as we all welcome your thoughts... NATS

Hello Everyone, I have been in a new relationship now for 2 years and I'm approaching the 3 year mark since Ruth passed...It is with a widow who lost her spouse 6 months prior to Ruth, we have found an incredible part of both us we never knew existed...having and going thru the grief process for both of us does give us a common bond, that has allowed us both to build this Love on a prospective that was not in our previous relantionships...we find we are living life to it's fullest...we have a bucket list we are checking off, and we have discussed what will happen if either one of us passes first... Yes, I know not a happy thought and many avoid new relationships because of this gut wrenching thought, but as all of us know by being here it is indeed part of Life...I myself am willing to face this again rather than be alone, and she fills my heart again with love and happiness...we both still have our days and always will, that is also an issue we have discussed in detail, but when we do, we lean on each other and "go with the flow" (Brenda's favorite saying... Life can be good again if given a chance, move at your own pace and keep the expectations on a real level, one important thing to always remember if you do get involved with someone and date, never compare them to your spouse, they are there own person so special and unique "one and only" just as our spouses were. I hope everyone finds the answers they are seeking... NATS "Thoughts posted are merely my experience, if I help just one person find some comfort by sharing I have succeeded in my goal".

Hello My Friends In Grief, I've been reading this topic this morning and thought I'd post some comments, first I don't want to sound cold or harsh by any means, but approaching the 3 year mark for me I have found some things must be taken head on no sugar coating...much of what we feel we "CAN" control if we take on a different approach to our loss...first the crying out loud, by all means do it, find a place alone or comfortable where you will not "disturb" anyone, which for me is really not a concern as I can do this in my home or while working in the yard, which happens often because Ruth and I spent allot of time working in the yard, but on the other hand I have had those waves hit me at work as well but I do not suppress them I walk somewhere and let them out, if I can't get alone it's really no big deal as I come "first" and I just let the tears fall, the small amount of feeling uncomfortable for people around me is a minor issue compared to my sanity and comfort, and it's "Life", the part of life everyone of us here never thought we'd experience or never gave it any thought...so we must cry these tears to heal, and maybe the ones around us will learn from our experience if so we've done them a huge favor. The depression is another matter...our minds are so complex, powerful and full of energy we must learn to tap the resources we have been given to manage this powerful energy, this energy runs rampant at times causing us to be unable to process all that's happening I think more so when we are dealing with something we have not been taught or had any experience with. I find positive thoughts far outweigh the negative energy and thoughts if we seek them, I know that is easier said then done but there's no rush start slow have courage and it will come. I practice releasing and focusing my thoughts daily and generating positive energy with prayer, meditation and physical exercise...much of my meditation focuses on the positive wonderful life Ruth and I had then and have now...some days like recently the negative "missing energy" has been keeping me feeling like I'm on a balancing beam some times swaying negative but I quickly fight to pull them positive, I hope everyone can find there comfort zone during there journey and this has worked for me... Additional things that ease the pain for me are reading about other peoples journeys and how they have healed, some finding new loves, some helping others endure this process and some that just can't pass the emptiness and despair, that brings to my mind comfort knowing and understanding this long forever process and what I can expect as time passes.... Well I've rambled on enough for now, may we all find comfort somehow, someway, so you are more at ease each day... NATS "Thoughts posted are merely my experience, if I help just one person find some comfort by sharing I have succeeded in my goal".

Kayc, I get what you mean "sometimes I focus on my loss and his death as an end to things the way that I knew it" and it is indeed but in stark reality it is only just the beginning, for us as the one still here and for them being as you said "free"...once I discovered a good part of my grief was my own selfishness I approached this journey from a different view, I looked in the mirror and asked myself if I missed her so bad that I would rather see her continue to battle the pain, fear, and uncertinty...of course the answer was easy NO, as much as it hurts with Ruth not being here in the physical sense, I love her so deeply I want only the best for her always, after all is that not what Love is all about?...she "Lives" on everyday with me, I see her in the beauty of my new beautiful white cat, I see her flying with the butterflies while I mow, I see her when my dogs play as she always encouraged them, and I see her when I look in the mirror everyday in me, because of her I am the person I am today...she taught me so much about Loving someone, and I carry that with me in my new journey with my new Love just as she would have wanted...and many days I still have the tears but that's OK, because it keeps me in touch with just how precious life is...may you find comfort on your journey... NATS

Widower, That is so ironic you metioned Valetines Day as 2/14/2010 is the day Ruth joined the angels, that day is as hard as her mortal birthday and Christmas, but I view it as her other "Birthday" into the kingdom of our creator, my thoughts are with you... NATS

Widower, What I did special was celebrate Ruth's life... I wanted to be alone but I worked that day then came home, had a small dinner and cried, as well as prayed and spoke to her...I still celebrate special days we had the Love and Bond will never be broken... even as I move forward in my new relationship we both speak and remember those days...Christmas was hard as it is Ruth's favorite Holiday, still is and approaching 3 years, but I put up "our" special pieces and celebrate...one thing I've always had is a strong spiritual connection with Ruth and still do almost daily so I think that plays a big part in my thoughts and actions...may you find your special time as well...remember in this journey we must put our feelings first now, as we must find our peace and comfort... NATS

Mary, What a nice link, Oh so true with great facts about our journey...may you find the peace and comfort you deserve... NATS

kayc, Yes, I agree that's kinda what I ment by the other person feels being compared to...also it must be uncomfortable when we speak of our departed spouse's, more so if they never knew them which is most always the case...I do not think I would have been comfortable in a situation like that...thanks for the kind words, it has been a new journey indeed, traveling down the path of grief and discovering a new love all in one trip...we take things day by day and live as each day could be our last, doing and living life as I've never done before, at times I wonder if this is all a big dream...but I read something the other day that made me think as well as this quote... NATS "We are being tested, so we may be perfected" Author Unknown "Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys". -- Alphonse de Lamartine

Kimberly, I can relate to your emptiness and despair...I have been in a new relationship for awhile now, we had a brief separation and I was devastated, the feelings of my grief magnified and the missing of Ruth was even more intense...we must be prepared for this when we take that step to Love another person...Brenda ask me the very first day we discovered our Love and attraction, she said "are you ready for this"?...I ask her why she ask?..then she reminded me one of us "will have to grieve again" as it's not likely we will both pass at the same time, WOW what a freight train of reality, but I thought a moment and answered, Yes...as I refuse to allow this grief demon conquer me and I want someone to spend my life with...we speak daily of our spouses and that is indeed something we need to do with our new loves, it's I'm sure rougher when the other person has not gone thru the grief as I imagine they may feel uneasy and maybe as being compared...I do think of this sometimes and the waves roll but that's just that I am now fully aware of just how short life is...be positive as hard as it is, you sound very special and I'm sure if your heart is open you will find that person who sees that and the two of you will grow...take care of yourself, and remember you are Loved always by our creator... NATS

Lina, Yes..we can sure wale as they say, one of the other members whom has not posted for a while talked about screaming or crying into a pillow, I tried it early in my grief, what a wonderful release, just bury your head into a thick pillow or two and scream/cry/yell or whatever you wish into that pillow as loud as you can (of course take a breath once in a while), you will find it does wonders and releases some built up emotions without everyone around you or your neighbors from thinking you just saw a mouse or some other bizare thought they may have when they hear a person sounding off that loud...glad we all help, we all have a common bond here and it's good to hear others thoughts as you said...take it slow, day by day.... NATS

Lina, I'm going to be 100% honest with you my wife passed 2 years and 5 months ago, I still cry and have emotional waves that come from no where...I have fallen in love again with a beautiful woman (a widow herself since 2009) and even with this new relationship we both talk about our spouses on a regular basis, our beloved spouses will always be in our lives I believe because of the way we separated from them, unlike divorce or breaking up we did not choose for them to be out of our lives, in those situations I truly think you "get over" or "move on" but this is different we had no choice, no say, and it's for sure final until we leave and join them, unlike the other separation situations where you may rekindle the break up or still see your ex...in short NO I doubt the tears will ever go away just lessen, but that's OK, for me as it's a constant reminder of just how short and precious life is, it also keeps me living each day as it's my last because for the first time in my life I am really learning so much about life I never knew just how special it is, or like most people I was just coasting day to day taking all my blessings for granted and out of true touch with life...continue to cry and you will continue to heal, one day you discover that the tears your crying are now a new type of tear a tear of happiness that we had the time with them we did, and as I cry now typing this I do it with a smile as I'm so happy Ruth will really never ever really be gone to me I just can't see and be with her physical body, but she is still very much with me daily...and I know she is happy that I'm happy, we all must do whatever to take care of ourselves, keep a positive flow of energy as hard as it is and the days will get a little less bumpy... NATS

Jan, Evaluate your meeting then do what's in your heart, you have to decide and you'll know what feels comforting...besides we have no rush with these issues take your time. NATS