MartyT

Cynthia, dear ~ I cannot tell you how to stop feeling the way you do, nor would I want to, even if I could. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone so much, and what you are feeling in the wake of Star's death is a testament to the breadth and depth of your love for this dear little fur person. You are "dwelling" on it because of the magnitude of the loss you are feeling. Grief is not an event ~ it is a process that takes place over time, as you think about, feel, express, work through and come to terms with just how much you have lost. The greater the bond we feel with the one we have lost, the more intense the pain. You cannot "move on" from this death because you haven't yet completed the grief work you must do in the wake of it. What do I mean by grief work? Learning all you can about what is normal in grief, especially as it relates to pet loss, so you can better understand and manage your reactions. Finding someone you trust with whom you can share your story ~ someone who understands and appreciates the relationship you have with Star and who will listen without passing judgment on you. (That can be your spouse, a trusted relative or friend, a clergy person, a grief counselor, a pet loss support group, and / or the people on this Web site.) Finding a way to memorialize Star and make some meaning out of this loss. My Grief Healing Web site contains a wealth of information and links to dozens upon dozens of resources for pet loss, and I hope you will take the time to explore some of them. Read some of the other posts in this forum, which will assure you that your reactions are normal and you are not alone in your pain. Know that we are thinking of you and sending our deepest sympathy.

Jeanine, dear ~ I am touched and humbled by your kind and lovely words, and so pleased to know that you found the course to be helpful. Thank you so very much for letting me know!

John, dear ~ your loss is so unspeakable that we scarcely know what to say to you ~ but we are grateful that somehow you have found your way to us. As you read the responses you've received so far, I hope you'll feel our collective arms embracing you, and you'll see that we won't let you travel this difficult path alone. We are here for you as long as you need us, with compassion, support and comfort ~ Yours is a special kind of traumatic grief, and I want to point you to some resources that I hope you will find helpful and informative, since they are aimed specifically at survivors of suicide. Sadly enough, there are more of you than you can possibly imagine ~ and many of them stand ready to help one another. When you feel ready to do so, please visit the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site, and follow some of the links you'll find listed there. Meanwhile, know that we are holding you in gentle thought and prayer, and sending you our deepest sympathy . . .

Ellen, dear ~ I love how you said, "I choose to dance and I will get that feeling back, I know I will." You've reminded me of a video I watched just this afternoon, featuring Dr. Annette Childs talking about her beautiful book, Will You Dance? Read more about the book by clicking on the title, and watch the video here: Dr. Annette Childs: A Journey from Loss to Healing

Dear One, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I can only imagine how empty your home and your heart now feel without the physical presence of your beloved Star girl there. Please know that you are not alone in your sorrow ~ you'll find yourself among kindred spirits here. I hope you'll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, especially to the Pet Loss Articles page. Read some of the articles listed there, and you'll have a better understanding of what you're feeling and why ~ and what you can do to manage your reactions. Know also that we are holding you close.

Ted and John, you may find these articles about men and grief to be of interest: Stress and Grief: To Fight or Befriend Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family And be sure to visit our Web page about music and grief: Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

Gentle Reminder: Please light a candle tonight at 7:00 pm in your time zone for all children who have died. After or before you light your candle, please visit the Remembrance book at The Compassionate Friends Web site, leave a message, and read some of the messages already there from all over the world. If you do not know a child who has died, light a candle for those of us who have lost a child. It only takes a tiny spark of light to pierce the darkness.

Dear One, You are SO not alone in feeling as you do, and of course you're not "all right." You may appreciate seeing and hearing Maria Shriver describe how she feels following the death of her mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver: "Every moment of every day I can feel my broken heart." Learn more about her presentation at the California Women's Conference here: On Grief, Healing and Resilience.

On Grief, Healing and Resilience Billed as "the largest and most dynamic gathering of women in the nation," the California Women's Conference launched its Web site in July 2009, as a way to extend the power and reach of this outstanding conference. Now anyone can "attend" the sessions, simply by visiting the site and watching videos of the presentations. This year's conference included very moving talks by Katie Couric on Resilience and Maria Shriver on Grieving, as well as a Panel on Grief, Healing and Resilience. Katie Couric's husband died 12 years ago after a 9-month battle with colon cancer; her sister died four years after that. She describes how she managed to find meaning after both these devastating losses, along with her struggles to "make it" in a man's world of broadcast journalism, all the while relying on her father's advice simply to "do your best." Maria Shriver is California's First Lady, wife of Governor Arnold Schwartzenager, and producer of the conference. She is herself a recently bereaved daughter and niece, as both her mother (Eunice Shriver) and her uncle (Teddy Kennedy) have died within the last few months. She speaks vividly and movingly about her grief ("Every moment of every day I can feel my broken heart") and the loss of her mother ("My mother's death has brought me to my knees. Life without my mother is unimaginable to me.") Moderated by Maria Shriver, the panel featured bereaved parents Elizabeth Edwards (wife of Senator John Edwards), Susan St. James (actress and wife of NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol) and Lisa Niemi (widow of Patrick Swazye). Topics ranged from coping with anticipatory grief, letting go, feelings of disloyalty and guilt, grief triggers, and dealing with the insensitivity of others, to finding hope and making meaning out of loss. Their stories are powerful, compelling, uplifting and filled with hope. Watch Good Morning America's brief overview of the panel presentation on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlqFlk7G1YE.

Dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of this precious fur angel, JoJo. Obviously he was very loved, and it sounds as if you did all you could to help him, but his health and his body failed him nonetheless. You ask whether your sister-in-law's absence over the summer due to her own illness "put him over the edge" and somehow hastened his death. That is a question I cannot answer for sure, but even if it were true, I don't see how you could have prevented whatever happened to JoJo. It seems to me you did the best you could to "fill in" for your sister-in-law, and I have to believe that JoJo felt the very real love you have for him. Common sense tells us that, just as we form attachments to our companion animals, they form attachments to us as well, so it's certainly possible that JoJo was aware of his person's absence, but it also sounds as if he was displaying symptoms of serious physical illness as well. You might consider having a talk with the veterinarian who took care of JoJo, to reassure yourself that you did do everything possible that could have been done. In addition, you may find this article helpful: (The article refers to dogs, but the information is applicable to cats as well. You'll need to register on the site first, but it's free): Do Dogs Grieve Their Owner's Passing?

Held annually the second Sunday in December, this year on December 13, 2009 at 7 p.m., The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died ~ at any age, from any cause. Candles are lit at 7 p.m. in participants' own local time zones, creating a virtual 24-hour wave of light that moves from one time zone to another throughout the world. Hundreds of thousands of persons will join to commemorate and honor deceased children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries. Formal candle lighting events are held in public venues, and informal candle lightings are conducted in private homes, as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but who never will be forgotten. In 1993, songwriter and ASCAP award winner Paul Alexander wrote the music and lyrics for Light a Candle, a song of remembrance that has been used to enhance thousands of such memorial services. Listen to the song and find the lyrics here: YouTube - Light a Candle.

The following comes to us from Susan Levine, Executive Director of Hospice of the Valley: Welcome to Hospice of the Valley's December 2009 ENews. As we say farewell to 2009 and welcome 2010, we thank you for being part of our Hospice of the Valley family. The following is some of our latest news. Thanks for reading us. Light Up a Life Warms Hearts Our sincere thank you to all who participated in our annual remembrance event, Light up a Life. About 1,500 people attended this year and more than 600 photos were displayed. To read more, visit here. HOV CFO receives top honor Debbie Shumway, associate executive director and chief financial officer of Hospice of the Valley, has been named CFO of the Year in the non-profit category by the Arizona chapter of Financial Executives International. To read full story visit here. 'Face' of pet-therapy program retires Sundance, HOV's first pet in our Pet Connections program, made his final patient visits last month and is now relaxing in retirement. To read more about Sundance and Pet Connections, visit here. Let HOV help with holiday shopping As you shop this holiday season, consider visiting one of our White Dove Thrift Shoppes for unique gifts. For locations and hours, visit here. Is volunteer service part of your 2010 plans? If you've been considering becoming a volunteer for Hospice of the Valley, please visit our volunteer page to learn of the many different opportunities and training schedules. To learn more, visit here. [Note from MartyT: See also Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering.] We appreciate your interest and support and invite you to visit us at hov.org. Best regards, Susan Levine Executive Director Hospice of the Valley

Truly a beautiful story, Jeanine ~ Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us

Kimi, of course we will keep your daughter in our prayers ~ and we're holding you close, too . . .

Dear Ones, I agree ~ What a wonderful topic to bring up, especially at this time of year. You may want to revisit this post: Did We Make the Right Choice?

Wendy, dear ~ We're all thinking of you and your family, and keeping your grandmother in our prayers.

Hi Shelley ~ What do you make of your dream? What do you think it may be telling you? Give it some thought, and let us know . . .

Dear Ones, You may find the articles on this Web page helpful: Grief at Work. See especially this article by Helen Fitzgerald: The Bereaved Employee: Returning to Work.

Dear Ones, The following invitation comes to us from the Creative Nonfiction Foundation: *************************************** Call for Submissions: End of Life Stories Creative Nonfiction is seeking new essays that explore death, dying, and end of life care, for a collection to be published by Southern Methodist University Press. We're looking for stories that transcend the "I" and find universal meaning in personal experiences. We hope to include stories representing a wide variety of perspectives—from physicians, nurses, hospice workers, social workers, counselors, clergy, funeral directors, family members, and others. We want narratives that capture, illustrate and/or explain the best way to approach the end of life, as well as stories that highlight current features, flaws, and advances in the healthcare system and their impact on professionals, patients, and families. Essays must be vivid and dramatic; they should combine a strong and compelling narrative with a significant element of research or information. We're looking for well-written prose, rich with detail and a distinctive voice. Creative Nonfiction editors will award one $1500 prize for Best Essay, and two $500 prizes for runners-up. Guidelines: Essays must be: unpublished, 5,000 words or less, postmarked by December 31, 2009, and clearly marked "End of Life" on both the essay and the outside of the envelope. There is a $20 reading fee (or send a reading fee of $25 to include a 4-issue CNF subscription); multiple entries are welcome ($20/essay) as are entries from outside the U.S. (though subscription shipping costs do apply). Please send manuscript, accompanied by a cover letter with complete contact information, self-addressed stamped envelope and payment to: Creative Nonfiction Attn: End of Life Stories 5501 Walnut Street, Suite 202 Pittsburgh, PA 15232 Please share this announcement with anyone who might be interested in submitting work. Please email any questions to information@creativenonfiction.org. Creative Nonfiction Foundation 5501 Walnut Street, Suite 202 Pittsburgh, PA 15232 phone: 412.688.0304 fax: 412.688.0262 www.creativenonfiction.org Keep in touch: subscribe to CNF's email newsletter! EndofLife_Call.pdf

I wonder what would happen if you simply called your mother-in-law and asked if you could discuss this with her? Your intentions are noble and your objective is clear: You love this woman dearly and you want to maintain some sort of connection with her, but you're not sure how to do that, given the fact that your husband (her son) has died. This feels awkward and unfamiliar to you, you don't want to offend anyone, and you're not sure what the "rules" of etiquette are or what the protocol should be. Why not speak to her from that place of love in your heart, so that the two of you can work out a solution to your dilemma that works for both of you?

Dionne, dear ~ please read this post (scroll down to the paragraph that begins, "As for not being able to cry") -- and consider asking your husband to read it, too: http://hovforum.ipbh...indpost&p=33545

Dear One, You said "I know that I have to forgive them, but how do I get through the anger to get there?" and I think your question is an important one. Before you can get to forgiveness, your anger must be acknowledged and worked through. I hope you'll find this post relevant and helpful: http://hovforum.ipbh...indpost&p=31013

Linda, dear, our thoughts and prayers are with you. Have a wonderful time tonight.

Debbie, I'm so sorry this happened to you ~ and coming from your father, I'm sure it cut you to the core. It certainly speaks to the fact that we all have a lot of educating to do, doesn't it? I don't know if you're of a mind to do so, but if you think it would help, you might consider printing out these articles, and giving them to your father to read. (If you like, you can tell him that your grief counselor suggested that you do so ): Helping Another in Grief Common Myths, Misconceptions about Grief What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning Words of Comfort Words to Avoid Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

Oh my dear Hannah, I'm so, so sorry! Like Kath, I did not see your post until just now. (Thank you so much, Kath, for paying close attention to this forum!) Unfortunately that happens sometimes, but thanks to the wonderful, compassionate and caring members of our Grief Healing family, we rarely let anyone fall through the cracks like this. Please accept my apology, won't you? I am so very sorry for your loss, dear Hannah, and I simply cannot imagine the depth of your pain. Obviously your brother meant the world to you, and there simply are no words to describe what this must feel like to you. I cannot add much to what Kath has said to you already, but I want to point you to another post that I hope will speak to you as well. Please see my response to Sara in the thread entitled Am I Crazy? http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=4288&view=findpost&p=33352 I'm also attaching an article for your parents, entitled Returning to School after a Death. I'd like for you to download and print it out and give it to your mom to read, as I think it will be helpful to all of you. Please know that we are thinking of you, Hannah, sending you our deepest sympathy, and holding you in our hearts at this sad and challenging time. Know, too, that you are always welcome here. And I promise we won't let your posts go unnoticed again Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T Returning to School After a Death.doc