MartyT

Dear Ones, This message comes to us from Hospice Foundation of America (HFA). It was posted on Monday, June 15, 2009, http://hfahospice.blogspot.com/2009/06/tv-...ng-stories.html: TV Series and Website Seeking Stories on End-of-Life Care We wanted to share information about this project: A new website and TV series is collecting first-person stories from patients, their families, loved ones, and health care professionals about how personal experiences have shaped what we believe about death and dying, and about the decisions we make for ourselves, for loved ones, or for patients at the end of life. The pilot episode will explore experiences that tested or challenged people’s beliefs about who decides when and how we die, and what role, if any, government and healthcare institutions should play in those decisions. Visit the site and consider submitting a story: http://how-we-die.org/HowWeDie.

We can see it just fine, Kathy ~ your mom is beautiful, and we join with you in wishing her a Happy Birthday!

Bless your heart, dear Mary ~ We'll all be thinking of you tomorrow on your special day of remembrance . . .

Shyman, you might find the content of this message helpful: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=32259

Boo, you're right ~ there are a number of excellent cancer information and support sites on the Internet; the ones I've personally visited and reviewed are listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm

My dear Jo, I join with all the other members of our GH family in saying how very sorry I am to learn this awful, awful news. To think that you're now faced with the same disease that took your husband's life surpasses all human understanding. It is beyond the pale. There simply are no words to express how unfair this is. I'm so, so sorry. You said two things that struck me: And now, I must contact my brothers back in the States, who have been nothing but wonderful to me, and break the sad news. I am not sure how to do that. Thanks for reading. I really must look for a different forum, as the whole focus of my life has switched from bereaving the loss of my husband to mourning my own. If your brothers have been "nothing but wonderful" to you, then please, please go ahead and look to them for support. You need and deserve all the help you can find right now. I encourage you to break the sad news to them just as you have broken it to us ~ and do it as soon as possible. As for looking for a different forum, certainly do that if you must ~ but please know that, as far as we are concerned, you are an important and valued part of our GH family, and we are here to offer our support, compassion and companionship to you throughout whatever it is that you must face, now and in the future. We're not going anywhere. We would be diminished by your absence, and I hope you will find it in your heart to stay with us. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Mel, dear ~ perhaps your sister needs to walk a mile in your shoes before she is qualified to pass judgment on "how hard a time" you're having. Ask her to read this: Please See Me Through My Tears You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes . . . And you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me drained away. "How am I doing?" . . . I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. These feelings are indescribable. If you’ve never felt them you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, when I’m ignored, I am again alone with them. Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They’re nature’s way of helping me to heal . . . They relieve some of the stress of sadness. I know you fear that asking how I’m doing brings me sadness . . . but it doesn’t work that way. The memory of my loved one’s absence is with me, only a thought away. My tears make my loss more visible to you, but you did not cause this sadness. It was already there. When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, and you don’t need to do a thing but be here for me. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you’ve helped me. You need not speak. Your silence is all I need. Be patient . . . do not fear. Listening with your heart to "how am I doing" validates what I’m going through, for when the tears can freely come I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I’ll cry for a minute or two . . . then I’ll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing in a while. When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots . . . because I’m trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt . . . me, because my feelings are held inside, causing pain and a shield against our closeness . . . and you, because suddenly we’re emotionally distant. So please, take my hand and see me through my tears . . . then we can be close again – Kelly Osmont, MSW, LCSW, CGP, in What Can I Say and Do? How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving a Loss, © 2000, Centering Corporation Reprinted with permission of the publisher.

Dear Shyman, How horrible this must have been for you! I simply cannot imagine . . . I don't know what if any grief work you've done to come to terms with this, but I hope you know that it is never too late to do that sort of work, with the help of a qualified grief therapist or counselor. At the very least, I'd like to point you to some of the very helpful resources listed on the Death of a Sibling or Twin page page of my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-sibling-or-twin.htm. I also recommend an excellent book by P. Gill White, Director of The Sibling Connection, http://www.counselingstlouis.net/, entitled Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother. The author is a bereaved sibling herself and works as a sibling grief counselor. She was 15 years old when her sister died of cancer. White and her family never talked about the loss until decades later when memories began to haunt her. Her book is a powerful mix of personal reflections and useful information.

Dear Ones, This poem came to me recently via e-mail, and I'd like to share it with all of you. The author writes, Hello, I wrote this poem after my brother's death eleven years ago. It has traveled around the internet a bit and I've received some very touching emails from people telling me it helped them through their grief. Of course, the thought that some little poem I wrote in my own despair may have helped someone else find their way out of the misery of grief is worth more than gold to me. I hope you can use it at your site, and I hope it continues to help others. I just lost my dear mother-in-law last week. I loved her very much so these words are being tested again in my own life. Thanks for your time. Mark Rickerby How We Survive If we are fortunate, we are given a warning. If not, there is only the sudden horror, the wrench of being torn apart; of being reminded that nothing is permanent, not even the ones we love, the ones our lives revolve around. Life is a fragile affair. We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice, a dizzying cliff so high we can't see the bottom. One by one, we lose those we love most into the dark ravine. So we must cherish them without reservation. Now. Today. This minute. We will lose them or they will lose us someday. This is certain. There is no time for bickering. And their loss will leave a great pit in our hearts; a pit we struggle to avoid during the day and fall into at night. Some, unable to accept this loss, unable to determine the worth of life without them, jump into that black pit spiritually or physically, hoping to find them there. And some survive the shock, the denial, the horror, the bargaining, the barren, empty aching, the unanswered prayers, the sleepless nights when their breath is crushed under the weight of silence and all that it means. Somehow, some survive all that and, like a flower opening after a storm, they slowly begin to remember the one they lost in a different way... The laughter, the irrepressible spirit, the generous heart, the way their smile made them feel, the encouragement they gave even as their own dreams were dying. And in time, they fill the pit with other memories the only memories that really matter. We will still cry. We will always cry. But with loving reflection more than hopeless longing. And that is how we survive. That is how the story should end. That is how they would want it to be. -© 2009 by Mark Rickerby mrickerby@yahoo.com Used with permission

Hi Em, I'm hoping you will find this thread helpful: Can Anyone Tell Me if Therapy Helps, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=22388 I also want to share with you the following excerpts from two noted experts in grief: Finding a Good Therapist - What exactly defines a good therapist? The right therapist for you is someone who has the proper training and credentials, experience with the problem you are dealing with, and, most important, someone with whom you feel at ease and able to express yourself openly. Research over the years has shown repeatedly that the degree of comfort and warmth you feel from your therapist can be just as important, if not more so, than what he or she actually tells you . . . – Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, © 2005 by Sameet M. Kuman, Ph.D., p. 109 Choosing a Counselor - Finding a counselor or therapist who can help you with your carried grief takes some work, and then deciding if it is a good match takes even more. In selecting a therapist, you have the right to shop around and ask questions. To do this you may need to overcome some of the passivity that sometimes is part and parcel of carried pain. However, it is critical to convince yourself that you deserve a therapist or group experience that is best matched to your needs. Training, Philosophy, Experience As you explore your options, feel free to ask about the counselor’s education and training. What degrees has she earned? What certifications or licenses does he hold? Reputable professionals will feel comfortable answering questions about their training, philosophy and experience. Do not hesitate to ask about their therapeutic philosophies and the kind of techniques they might use in counseling you. Describe your issues of carried grief and ask how they might work with you. Unfortunately, there are some therapists who should be avoided. Even highly qualified professionals may simply not have worked with or had experience in the area of carried grief. That does not make them less competent; it may simply mean they are not a good match for you and your needs. Again, it is legitimate to ask a counselor about her experience with carried grief. Ask her how many similar clients she has seen. Relationship While this is a very subjective area, the question is: Does this person seem like someone you would be able to work with effectively? Does her personality, answers to your questions and concerns, and office environment make you feel safe and respected? Do you sense that he genuinely cares about you as a human being and about the work you are going to be doing together? Essentially, do you feel comfortable with this person and sense that she can help you? If it does not feel right, then it is probably not right for you . . . A very wise person once said, “It is possible to listen a person’s soul into existence.” In my experience, effective counseling can be the soul’s bridge back from living in the shadow of ghosts to living a life in the light. With this little bit of information and the desire to find the right match for yourself, counseling can be a vital ingredient of your own healing journey. – Living In the Shadow of The Ghosts of Grief, © 2007 by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, pp. 112-114

Mel, dear, you'll find the poem here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=32247

Mel, dear ~ I'm so sorry . . . Is this the poem you're looking for? Death is nothing at all... I have only slipped away to the next room... I am I and you are you... Whatever we were to each, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, Speak it to me in the same way you always used. Put no difference into your tone, Wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident. I am but waiting for you for an interval Somewhere very near Just around the corner. All is well. ~ Henry Scott Holland 1847 - 1918 Canon of St Paul's, London

Dear Greeneyes, I'm so sorry to learn of all the difficulties you're facing, and I think it's a shame that your husband's father is making decisions for his wife that really belong to her ~ such as whether to see her son before she dies. While it may be true that there is nothing your husband can do to alter the course of his mother's disease, they both still deserve the opportunity to be together to offer emotional support and love to one another, and to say whatever they need to say to each other. It seems to me that the only power you have in this situation is the power of persuasion ~ Is there anyone else in the family (your husband's brothers, perhaps) who could help you make your case with your father-in-law? The six-months-to-live timetable stems from the fact that insurance companies (including Medicare) will not reimburse for hospice care unless a physician certifies that the patient is terminally ill and is not likely to survive beyond six months ~ but doctors have no way of predicting how long their patients will live, any more than the rest of us can, and insurance companies understand that. When a hospice patient passes that six-month point, the doctor simply re-certifies the person for another six months. You have so much on your plate right now, my dear, and you deserve all the help you can find ~ I hope you'll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, where you'll find links to many helpful resources. See especially these pages: Care Giving, http://www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm Helping Someone Who's Grieving, http://www.griefhealing.com/helping-the-grieving.htm Death of a Parent, http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-parent.htm Death That Brings Relief, http://www.griefhealing.com/death-brings-relief.htm

Jo, dear, I'm so sorry to know what you are going through, and I'm sorry your beloved husband is not there in person to comfort you. I'm sorry, too, that your daughter is not at her best right now ~ but the thought occurs to me that on some level she is terrified that, having already lost one parent, she is in grave danger of losing the other one as well. There's probably a lot of fear underneath all that anger. You're both scared to death about all of this, I'm sure. Is there anyone in your family who could help you offer your daughter some of the comfort, support and reassurance she also needs right now?

Just adorable

Tanya, dear ~ the resources Kath mentioned can be found here: Child, Adolescent Grief Links, http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm

Oh Jo, I'm so sorry to learn that you have to endure even more diagnostic testing ~ and if I were you, I'd be just as mad as you are! Please just go ahead and rant and rave and do whatever you need to do to get it out ~ you're not hurting anyone here, and it's just fine with all of us! You are enraged because you find yourself in outrageous circumstances, and feeling outraged is a very NORMAL reaction! Please know that we're thinking of you and holding you close, and we'll all be there with you on Thursday, too . . .

Dear Ones, I hope by now you've both found your way to my Grief Healing Web site, which is filled with information, comfort and support for grieving animal lovers (at www.griefhealing.com). You're right that all too often the pain of pet loss is trivialized by those who do not understand the strength and value of the human-animal bond ~ but you will find yourselves among kindred spirits here. When you visit and explore Grief Healing, see these pages especially: Pet Loss Articles Animal Communicators

I am adding my voice to all of your prayers, and I agree that this little one deserves to have a forever home with Mary Linda! For what it's worth, I felt the same way you did, Mary Linda: I insisted on having female dogs all my life ~ until a male cockapoo named Muffin wrapped himself around my heart. He was the dearest dog I'd ever known ~ and my beloved Beringer, the Tibetan terrier I've loved dearly for the past 13 years, is a male as well. Male dogs are just as lovable as females, and in some cases, even more so. Sounds to me as if this was simply meant to be

Oh Talia, what wonderful, uplifting news! Happy Birth Day, dear little Tabitha ~ we're all SO glad you are here, and we cannot wait to see a picture of you!! Welcome to this world, precious little one!

It is indeed a step, Mel, and an important one. Good for you for noticing it in yourself, and thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.

Bless your heart, Jo ~ I too am pleased that you found us, although so very sorry to learn what you're facing in the wake of your dear husband's illness and death . I hope you will feel our embrace as we join our dear Boo in wrapping our collective arms around you. And please don't feel bad about "jumping right in" ~ that is why we are here: to catch and hold you until you are ready and able to stand on your own . . .

We love you, too, dear Kay ~ and you deserve only the very BEST ~ just like you

Nikol, dear, of course you miss her, but you are NOT alone ~ we're all here for you, right here, right now . . . Can you tell us something about your grandma? What was special about her? Some of your very favorite memories of your times together? How about sharing with us the words to that special song? Talk to us ~ we are listening!

Oh Gail ~ how very wonderful for you! And even more wonderful for that lucky man who found you and recognizes how special you are Hooray for both of you ~ and thank you soooooo much for letting us know! xoxox