MartyT

Dear Ones, I'm pleased to see that some of you have already begun using our Calendar feature. Please note, however, that now we have TWO calendars we can use: the Grief Healing Discussion Groups Calendar AND the Special Days Calendar, and you must choose which calendar you intend to use before you post your event. When you want to post an event (such as your loved one's birthday or death day), make sure that you have selected the Special Days Calendar instead of the other one, which by default shows the birthdays of all our registered (living) members. Please read the instructions I've posted, and make sure you follow each step as written ~ otherwise you may find that your event is posted on the wrong calendar. If you have any questions about this new feature, please don't hesitate to post them here, so we all can benefit from the same information!

The following request was posted by KayC in our Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other forum on January. 10, 2009 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=28112: I often wished this site had a calendar that would have our "death date", our "anniversary", both of our birthdays...maybe even another place we could add a day that was special to us. It would be nice if we could remember those days to encourage or uplift each other...sometimes I find that people avoid saying anything on those days because they don't want to remind us...ha! Like we need reminding! We never forget, and someone acknowleging it actually makes me feel better, not worse. I wonder, would it be possible for this site to have such a thing as a calendar we could record these things on? It lets us know of our birthdays, but it'd be nice if at the bottom of that part of the site it would put the applicable events, not just birthdays. In response to Kay’s request, I’ve just added a SPECIAL DAYS CALENDAR to our Discussion Groups site. This calendar is in addition to the one we have already (which by default displays our members’ birthdays). You can use this calendar to post the birth day and death day of your loved one, or any other day that was special for the two of you and that you’d like all of us to remember with you. If you are not familiar with our Calendar feature, notice that, at the very top of the main page, on the right side of the page, there are links entitled: Calendar Members Search Help If you click on the Calendar link, you’ll be taken to our Grief Healing Discussion Groups Calendar page, which displays the current month and the names of members whose birthdays occur in that particular month. Scroll down to the bottom of the page, until you see in the middle blue bar, Calendar Jump. Click on the down arrow, and in the drop-down list that appears, click on Special Days. This takes you to our new calendar, created especially for the purpose that Kay describes above. By default, the calendar displays the current month in the large box in the center and the previous, current and next month in smaller boxes along the left side. You can advance through the months by clicking the << or >> links at the top, on either side of the name of the current month. Each week has a >> icon on the left, which you can click to view that week in a diary format. At the bottom of the page you can use the Calendar Navigation features to view the current month or the current week. The Calendar Jump, also at the bottom of the page, allows you to select a very specific month and year to display, as well as choosing which calendar to display. Events You can add a new event to the calendar by clicking one of the three links in the bottom right section marked Add New Event. An event can be: • Single – Only occurs once • Ranged – Occurs over several days/weeks/months • Recurring – Occurs several times at regular intervals Click on Add New Single Event, and you’ll be taken to the Manage Calendar Event page. The first option is to add a title for the event. This is what will appear on the calendar view. (Example: John Doe, 2007). Next, a date for the event is required. This is the calendar's date on which you want the title of your event to appear. The next option asks you to choose which calendar to add this event to and whether you want this to be a public event or one that just you can see. Make sure that Special Days is the calendar you've selected. Next you need to enter a description for the event. The rich text editor is the same as when you are adding or replying to a new topic. (You can add as much or as little text as you like; on the calendar itself, the title of your event will appear as a link to the text you've placed here.) Finally, you can choose whether or not you wish to enable emoticons in the main body. If enabled, then any textual emoticons that have an icon will be converted to that. You are cordially invited to begin using our Special Days calendar now, and if you have any trouble at all, please don’t hesitate to let me know, at tousleym@aol.com.

All fixed now, Shelley. See Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

Bless your heart for checking, Shelley, and thank you for letting me know! I've found some other versions of the song on YouTube ~ Since this is one of your picks, is there one particular version that you like better than another? This one features Art Garfunkel (without Paul Simon): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbFEnoITiWE and this one features Clay Aiken's rendition:

Dear Ones, Please see my blog post at Self-Healing Expressions (publisher of my online e-mail courses and e-books) to see what we've done with this wonderful thread ~ and please feel free to keep adding to our list that is now posted there: Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

This article comes to us from Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, and is reprinted here with their permission: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Loveby Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. The unimaginable has happened; you are a widow or widower. Mourning your loss has been the focus of your life for the past year or two. Finally, as you begin to surface from your profound grief, with a deep breath and lot or a little trepidation you find yourself falling in love again. Is this new relationship fraught with landmines? You bet! Here are important stepping stones to help keep you afloat along the way, Do’s and Don’ts as it were for widows/widowers beginning a new, loving relationship. Perhaps you joined a bereavement support group, progressed through the stages of loss and are doing pretty well. And then, surprise … you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Not just someone to hear your grief, but someone who makes your heart quicken. What to do? What feels right? You are still grieving, but you’re attracted and you want to date, you’re also lonely and crave company. And yet, you feel guilty, disloyal to your late spouse. •Do take your time starting a new relationship; it’s not unusual to feel like an awkward teenager again. •Don’t rush into romance, start with friendship. How do I let my grown kids know that I want to date? How can I help them to react in a positive way? I don’t want to hurt them while they grieve their mother or father, but I also want to go on with my own life. How do I talk to them about my needs and be respectful of theirs? I know that they grieve on a different timetable. •Do be sensitive to the feelings of your children; encourage them to “speak their truth” while moving on with your life in a positive way. •Don’t flaunt your dating or sexuality in front of your children. I met someone I can see having a future with. She/he has furniture; I have furniture, how do we blend that? What do we do with family pictures? •Do be respectful in valuing the treasures of your partner. •Don’t discard family pictures; find a way to blend what is important to both of you. How do I financially protect my new partner and myself? Do we do a prenuptial agreement? What is fair? I want to leave money for my children and I also want to protect her/him, how do I do that? It’s distasteful to seek the counsel of an attorney but I feel I should do that. I have a townhouse, she has a townhouse; which townhouse do we live in? What do we do with our extra “stuff,” how much do we give away? •Do talk about your personal values, what is fair and what is important to you. •Don’t rush into legal agreements, until you have explored your feelings together. •Do listen to your partner, even if his/her ideas are different than yours. All of these questions are common and very real. You might be asking yourself: Do we like each other enough to resolve these questions. Can we come out of our own chaos and have a mutual life? •Do realize that you have two “containers” in your chest, one for your old life and one for the new. You’re adding, not subtracting. It is a tribute to your late spouse that you want another loving partner. •Don’t compare your new love to your late spouse. •Do accept that your new partner has different interests that will enable you to explore new areas of growth. •Do accept that it can be an interesting and rewarding challenge to meet each other’s friends and children. They knew your new partner as a couple and it may take patience until they learn to see you as a new partner, but one who is not trying to replace your partner’s late spouse in their eyes. A new partner and shared life is indeed a positive challenge. Many widows/widowers take on the growth and welcome new love, wanting to heal and move forward to a renewed life with joy, expectation and eagerness. Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. Lintermans and Stolzman are also the co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-48-2. THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF is a grief recovery book and includes a valuable “Healing Power of Thought” journal. This book is written in everyday language to which anyone can relate and be gently guided through this heartbreaking time. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships...a unique perspective on this subject.

The following article comes to us from Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, and is reprinted here with their permission: LOVE REVISITED:Helpful Do’s & Don’ts for the Widow/Widower Embracing New Love by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind: •Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on. •Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens. •Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions. •Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home. •Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through. Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”. Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children. While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges. •Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying. •Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon. •Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life. •Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests. •Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster. •Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with. •Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such. Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt. Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members. Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships…a unique perspective on this subject.

Dear Ones ~ This one brings me to my knees. Sung by Josh Groban, it's the theme song from the movie, Troy. Click on the title to listen / watch on YouTube: Remember Me Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended Just remember me I am the one star That keeps shining so brightly It is the last light To fade into the rising sun I’m with you Whenever you tell my story For I am all I’ve done Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember me I am that warm voice In the cold wind that whispers And if you listen You’ll hear me call across the sky As long as I can still reach out And touch you Then I will never die Remember, I’ll never leave you If you will only Remember me Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended I live forever Remember me Remember me Remember me © Jr Motion Pictures Music Co. Music from the motion picture Troy Sung by Josh Groban with Tanja Tzarovska

Teny, dear ~ When you have time, I encourage you to read through all the posts in this thread (two pages): Complicated Grief Disorder.

Erica, dear ~ I'm reminded of an earlier thread that you may find helpful: Why Am I Not Learning? See also the attached article, Healing Through Creating Balance: HealingThroughCreatingBalance.Christner.doc

My dear Em, You are not alone in feeling “a huge aversion to any thought of moving on, healing, closure, acceptance, acknowledgement, etc.” Most of us mourners have trouble with words like “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If these particular words bother you, try substituting words like “reconciliation” and “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your own grief journey. As you are discovering, there are no shortcuts through the minefield of grief work. We must experience the heartbreak of grief, lean into it, and embrace it fully before it begins to loosen its grip and the pain begins to ease. If you’ve read any of the earlier posts written by members who’ve been on this grief journey for any length of time, you know that they have worked very, very hard to get to the place where they are now, and just like you, they sometimes felt as if they would drown and not make it to shore. Many of them are further along than you are now, so their perspective has changed over time ~ but I hope their voices of experience will give you hope and faith as you continue on your own grief journey: the kind of hope that says, “If they can make it through this, so can I” and the kind of faith that says “I believe I can survive this loss, and I will find a way to heal.” Trust that, with the understanding, compassion, and support you’ll find here and elsewhere, you will heal, but in a way and in a time frame that are unique to you. Always keep in mind that this is an individual journey. Others are here to listen, to help, to guide, to suggest, to share what worked for us. But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal. Grief is universal, but the way we handle it is unique to each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to go down this road. You say that this just isn’t something you can live with. Take comfort in knowing that whatever it is that you are feeling now, this, too, will pass. Difficult as they are to endure, the feelings you describe so vividly (impatience with your friends; yearning for your father; wishing you could be together again; feeling as if you can make it one moment, only to be drowning in sorrow and desperation the next) are all normal. You say you feel physically ill, uncomfortable in your own skin, unwilling to go on. Even as you keep telling yourself that your father is away on a long trip and he will come back to you , you cannot stop the pain of missing him, because a part of you knows the brutal truth. Even though you know in your head that your father’s death is real, your heart does not want it to be so. Everything in you is begging for a different ending to this tragic story. That is the internal struggle we all face as we come to terms with the reality of loss. Nessa Rapoport describes it perfectly in this poignant poem that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow. — Nessa Rapoport, in A Woman's Book of Grieving Your development as a person is forever changed as a result of your father’s death, Em. Working to assimilate this loss into your life (for the rest of your life) is what we refer to as “the hard work of grief,” as you continue to find your way through the mourning process. Your goal ~ the goal of everyone here ~ is to find an appropriate place in your own inner, emotional world for your loved one who has died, so that you can take the legacies he has left with you into your own future. When you lose someone you love, you will never be the same as you were before. But within every sorrowful situation, growth is possible. This has been true since the dawn of human history. Over time you learn that although a part of you has died, another part is being reborn, making you stronger and more capable. If you can find growth from this loss, your life will be richer for having known your father, for having experienced his death, and for finding your way through this most difficult of life’s hard lessons. Even as you continue to mourn the loss of your father’s physical presence, Em, remember that his essence has not disappeared, and you can still find ways to maintain your loving connection with him. As others have suggested, you can hold onto possessions he treasured, share stories about him, feel his presence, talk with him, and carry out rituals that you and your mother associate with him. And do whatever you can to preserve your memories of him. In his lovely book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, Louis LaGrand offers the following suggestions for imprinting and maintaining powerful memories: Good memories can be powerful sources of comfort and joy. They can also be very real points of connection to deceased loved ones, because the significance, insight, and identity of the deceased grow through remembrance. In that way, remembrance practices can become an integral part of family life from generation to generation. Take an inventory of your inner self and recall the happy memories of love and belonging from your past, especially those involving your deceased loved one, and think of the wisdom and encouragement you gained. When you are ready, revisit special places, reread old letters, look over collected mementos, pictures, or scrapbooks, read something your loved one used to read, play some of your old favorite songs, think of a movie you watched together, or seek out friends and relatives who are willing to talk about memories of your loved one. Write down your most pleasing recollections, and then decide on a word or phrase that will bring those specific events into your consciousness whenever you need them. Start the habit of invoking those specific memories when you’re feeling low. Remember, reminiscing is healthy – not a way of living in the past, but rather a way of appreciating all you have experienced and accomplished. How do you take short-term memories and make them a permanent part of your long-term memory? The answer is repetition (which actually causes structural changes in the brain). We have a tendency to remember what we keep thinking about. Rely on memory aids: a picture, a glass, a golf ball, a special book. Almost anything can be a cue for remembering a person, a trip you enjoyed, a special gift you received, something that was left to you, or something you learned that will be forever cherished (p. 168-169). I also encourage you to read the following article: How Grief Relates to Work of the Soul

I want to gently remind all of us that whatever we feel in grief is not always rational, logical, or fair. We cannot always control what we feel; we only have control over what we do with what we feel. We have stated repeatedly on this site that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad ~ they just are. Let us remember that this is one of the few places where we all are free to share whatever it is that we feel, no matter how ugly or unseemly those feelings may be, without being judged or criticized.

Marsha, dear, I just want to assure that you are just as deserving of our support as anyone else in this wonderful family of ours, and you've got it

Melanie, this matter of anxiety has been discussed many times on our site. If you use the "Search" feature at the top right side of the page, and type in the words "panic attack," you'll find three pages of posts on this topic alone ~ which tells you that, as Marsha, Karen and Wendy have already said, you are not alone in feeling this way, and what you are feeling is not at all uncommon in grief. Here are some of the posts on this topic that I hope you will find most helpful. Be sure to read through all the posts in each thread: Panic Attacks? Panic Attacks New Problem: Is This Normal? Anxiety Attacks Anxiety!

Ann and John, we are enriched by your presence in our GH family, and we're honored that you've chosen us

My dear Kay and Wendy (and others who may be reading this) ~ I hope that the addition of this forum to our site speaks for itself, but I want to assure you that, regardless of what others may say to you, you are not overreacting to the pain you are experiencing in the wake of divorce or separation from the ones you have loved. I want to recommend to you the latest book from Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, the noted author, educator and grief counselor who has written so extensively about grief, loss and transition. As in all of his other writings, he speaks from the wisdom of his own education, training and experience ~ and in this particular book, as one who has experienced and worked through his own divorce. Please go to Amazon's description and review of Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. You'll also find an extensive list of helpful articles, books and other resources on the Death of a Relationship page of my Grief Healing Web site. I also encourage you to consider Belleruth Naparstek's peaceful and soothing guided imagery CD that relaxes and soothes the hurting heart, entitled Anger and Forgiveness. If you click on the title, you'll be taken to a page where you can listen to an audio sample of this wonderful CD. (Click on the Average Customer Review link, and note the comment there.) I have this CD myself, and it is one of my very favorites.

Dear Ones, Several of you have mentioned The Serenity Prayer in this thread. Most of us recognize it as the shortened, non-denominational version adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. For those who are interested, here is the full text of that prayer, as originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971): God, give us grace to accept with serenitythe things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. Read more here: The Serenity Prayer

Dear Em, You asked, “Does anyone else do this?” Whether others “do this” or not, I want to say a few words to you and your mother that may help you to understand why you are doing this. It seems to me that buying Christmas presents for your father and “expecting a miracle to happen” are ways that you and your mother are handling the completely unacceptable fact that your father has died. When we are faced with a stressor we cannot change, such as the death of a loved one, denial or avoidance can be a highly adaptive strategy. It isn’t that you really don’t know that your father has died – after all, you wouldn’t be here, posting messages on a grief site, if you didn’t know that this death has happened. Rather, what’s happening now is that this is so big that you simply cannot let yourself believe it, because your mind cannot fully process it yet. In grief, denial is an important protective mechanism that helps us to manage our feelings and to give us moments away from our pain. It helps us to cope and to hold onto the belief that we will survive. It enables us to pace ourselves, letting in only as much as we can handle, just a little bit at a time. Letting this in all at once would overwhelm us emotionally. Denial serves a useful function, especially in the beginning. It is your mind’s way of protecting you from more pain. Your brain doesn’t “get it” because it is loaded with memories of your father. Although your father has died, he continues to exist in your memory and in the memory of others. Denial is a problem only if it is used deliberately over a long period of time to avoid the reality of death or to escape the emotions resulting from a loss. These feelings can manifest as insomnia, fatigue or chronic depression. What usually happens is that, as denial continues to fade, the reality of this loss begins slowly to sink in, and all the feelings you’ve been denying eventually will start bubbling to the surface. Gradually you begin to search for understanding, which is indicated in your questioning how this death happened and why. As you and your mother connect with the reality of your dad’s death in the weeks and months ahead – however gradually – I encourage you both to take time to consider the following: Are you pretending that things are all right when they are not? Try to be more honest with yourselves and others.Do you keep busy with tasks unrelated to the death of your father? Distractions may keep you occupied but don’t help you move toward resolution.Are you facing up to the truth of your pain? What would happen if you opened up the protective shell you’ve built around yourself?Have you taken a hard look at what is gone and what remains? Try taking stock, counting, reciting and recounting what's been lost.Can you face the fact of this death squarely, by naming it, spelling it out and talking it out? Try replacing delicate phrases such as left and gone away with more truthful terms like died and dead.Try some confrontations and experiences to jolt yourself out of your denial. Confront the reminders rather than avoiding them — both pleasurable and painful: people, places and situations. Reread old letters. Smell a favorite cologne. Look at photographs. Go to church. Listen to songs. Gather meaningful sayings and phrases. Visit special places. Wrap yourself in your father’s clothing.Let others (especially children) see your tears and participate in your sorrow. It shows them how much you care and assures them that it's all right to feel sadness when you lose someone you love.Your goal in dealing with denial is to acknowledge the truth of this death and to accept the reality that your father is dead. Denial must be dissolved eventually, but there is no specific time frame. Be concerned only if it interferes with your ability to function normally, in which case, as others have already said, you may find it very helpful to meet with someone in person for individual grief counseling.

Chai, dear ~ What you are experiencing is entirely normal. The following is taken from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Emotional Reactions to Loss: Shock When you sustain a sudden and severe injury, nature’s initial reaction is to send your body into a state of shock. When you’re hit hard with an emotional injury as severe as the death of a loved one, it is just as natural for you to shut down emotionally and turn off inside. It’s as if the magnitude of the loss, the fact that your loved one is gone forever, is too much to take in. As you begin to absorb what’s happened, your brain goes on automatic pilot. Somehow you do what needs to be done, but it feels as if you’re just going through the motions, like some sort of robot or automaton. There’s a sense of unreality, as if you’re watching yourself in a movie or a having a bad dream. You may feel frozen, numb, stunned and disconnected, unable to feel anything. You may be short of breath, confused and feel unable to cry or to speak. Suggestions for Coping with Shock Realize that shock is nature’s way of cushioning you against the full impact of loss. It’s a temporary protective mechanism that allows your mind to catch up with the brutal reality of death. Like an emotional anesthetic, it numbs the pain and enables you to move through the funeral and some of the other tasks you must complete in the initial days of mourning. Understand that as the numbness subsides, you will begin to experience more fully some of the other grief reactions as they emerge. This can happen days, weeks and even months after the death. Expect the numbness to wear off gradually, as you mobilize your inner resources and gain the strength you need to accept and absorb the reality of the death. How long this takes will vary, depending on your individual characteristics and your situation. You may find yourself dreaming about the person who died, forgetting your loved one is gone, or thinking you’ve seen, smelled, heard or touched the person. This is your unconscious mind trying to undo what happened, to re-write this unacceptable story. Realize that others may misinterpret what’s going on with you, and may conclude that you’re stronger or feeling better than you really are on the inside. Don’t feel you have to maintain a brave exterior. Holding onto your emotions takes more energy than releasing them. Acknowledge your own need for safety and try to find it. For example, ask a friend to stay with you if that is what you need. Allow others to nurture you — lean on them, physically and emotionally, and ask for the specific help you need. If you don’t feel up to sorting through and distributing your loved one’s clothing and other belongings, it’s all right to wait until you’re ready. Be patient with yourself— experience whatever comes without criticizing yourself. Take an active part in planning and participating in your loved one’s funeral, memorial service or other ritual of remembrance. Make no major decisions about your future life. If questions about your loved one’s illness or death arise after the shock wears off, go ahead and ask them — even if they occur to you months or years afterward. The more you review the details of the death, the more real it will become for you. Ask friends to let you do this, as often as you have to, and if they need a break to tell you so. If your need is more than they can handle or endure, seek help from Hospice of the Valley’s Bereavement Office [or from your local hospice organization].

John, dear, I would venture to say that anyone who is familiar with this site already knows that here, we honor the strength of attachment to our cherished animal companions just as much as we honor the bond we have with our beloved human loved ones, and we understand the grief that comes with the loss of them. I read all these responses to your post as understanding completely what you were saying, and being in agreement with you. What matters is not the species of the one that we've loved and lost ~ what matters is the love itself.

Dear Holly, I am terribly saddened and sorry to learn of your awful experiences with the hospice care you and your mother received, and I can only imagine how devastated, let down and angry you must feel about it. Sadly I must tell you that upon occasion I hear from people whose experiences with hospice are less than satisfactory, but fortunately such reports are rare. We are all human, hospices are run by human beings, we all make mistakes, and balls do get dropped sometimes. I recognize, however, that for you it makes no difference -- obviously your experience was one of the worst, you and your mother certainly deserved better than that, and as Leeann said, you have every right to be angry about it. I don't know whether you've contacted the hospice that served your mother to ask for a meeting with the team to review your case. I recognize that at the time, you were upset about all of this and probably not feeling at your best, perhaps even fearful that if this meeting were held right then you may have lost control of your anger -- but I must tell you that at some point I think it is essential for you to have such a meeting, so you can be heard, get your questions answered and have your concerns addressed. I know that when something is not right about the care a patient receives, both the administrative staff and the clinical staff here at Hospice of the Valley stand ready and willing to meet with the family to discuss and resolve whatever issues may exist. That's the only way we can fix things that may go wrong: first we need to be made aware of the problem, then we need to investigate what went wrong and do what we can to fix it, so that at the very least it won't happen again to another family. Keep in mind that the timing of such a meeting is completely up to you -- you don't have to request it unless and until you feel ready to take on this important task. Once you feel certain of what you have to say, then you can write or call your hospice and ask for such a meeting. Consider taking a trusted friend or family member with you -- one who's willing to "state your case" if you become too flustered to say what you came there to say. Please don't make the mistake of just letting it go. This is something that isn't likely to go away -- and it could have the effect of keeping you "stuck" in your own grieving process, unable to move ahead in your grief journey. Instead you might think of having this meeting as something you can do for your mother as well as for yourself -- and for other families who will use this hospice's services in the future as well. You need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that, although this death did not go as you wanted or expected it to and there's nothing you can do now to change the outcome, at least you spoke your mind about it to the people who let you down, and you did all you could to make sure it will not happen to someone else's loved one. To help you better understand how hospice care is supposed to be, I can refer you to a number of resources on the Internet that deal with standards for hospice care, and I can assure you that the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations has a set of standards for hospices in this country. Here are some other resources I'd suggest you visit as you conduct your research: Hospice Net - Death, Dying, Caregiving, Grief Hospice Homepage Resources Terminal Illness Hospice Foundation of America Last Acts Coalition I also want to share with you a piece that appears on a colleague's Web site, Growth through Loss and Love, by John Chuchman, at http://www.torchlake.com/poetman/main.html, because I think it states so well what hospice should be about: People ask me, "What is Hospice?" I almost cannot answer, certainly not glibly or very succinctly. Hospice honors dying, not so much death, as dying. It is where the dying come to rest, to be cared for, to be honored. It is where the dying come to find peace, to prepare for the new beginning. It is where the dying come to die in community, the community of friends, family, ancestors, descendants, and the community of nature and of spirit. Hospice is where the dying come to leave their great gifts for others and to be thanked for all their gifts of wisdom. Hospice is where the dying come to tell stories, share memories and gain perspective. It is where the dying come to receive and grant forgiveness and sum up a lifetime with friends, family, community. Hospice is where the dying come to connect with the Life Source and to contact ancestors and spirit guides to help with the transition. Hospice is a place of active dying, not leaving it in the hands of others or drugs or machines. Hospice can be Oneness, Joy, Ecstasy. Hospice can be Peace and Letting Go. Life began in a Garden called Eden-- Let mine end in that garden called Hospice. Love, John Chuchman Again I want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you and your dear mother, and I can only hope that what we've said is helpful to you in some small way.

Karen, dear, we already know your kind and caring heart, but how nice to see the lovely face that goes with it! Thank you for including a larger picture, so we can see your beautiful, shining eyes and your wonderful smile

Such personalized rituals truly are powerful tools for healing, aren't they? Just beautiful, Sherry ~ thank you so much for sharing that with us . . .

Pat, I just want you to know that I read your post, and it's certainly understandable that you're feeling sorry for yourself tonight. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday anyway, and when you go to bed tonight, I wish you pleasant dreams of Walter, and roses on your pillow

Bless you, Corinne, and know that we wish the same for you