MartyT

My dear Midnight, The reactions you describe (intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc.) are not unlike what would be seen in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As a bereavement counselor, I can tell you that, if this is indeed the case, before you can begin to do any effective grief work concerning the death of your father, it is very important that these issues be addressed first. You might consider asking your doctor for a referral to someone who specializes in PTSD, where treatment includes simple tools (relaxation, breathwork, meditation and guided imagery) to help you master and calm the troublesome symptoms you are experiencing now. At the very least, I strongly encourage you to do some reading about PTSD so you will be better informed about it. There are some wonderful and informative resources on the Internet (listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site; see especially Gift from Within) – but I also want to recommend an outstanding book, Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal, by Belleruth Naparstek, a psychotherapist and noted expert in PTSD. (If you click on the title, you’ll go to Amazon’s description and reviews of the book.) I cannot recommend this book highly enough, because it explains PTSD so thoroughly and it also contains some very simple, practical tools that you can begin using right now. Among other things, the author points out that, All of these people . . . were helped, in differing ways, by strategic doses of applied imagination. In each instance, what got them through was imagery, sometimes guided by a therapist, sometimes by an audio program, and at other times spontaneously generated from within . . . These imagery-based solutions use the right hemisphere of the brain – perception, sensation, emotion, and movement – rather than the left side’s standard cognitive functions of thinking, analyzing, verbalizing, and synthesizing. And that’s why they work. Trauma produces changes in the brain that impede a person’s ability to think and talk about the event but that actually accentuate their capacity for imaging and emotional-sensory experiencing around it. Imagery uses what’s most accessible in the traumatized brain to help with the healing . . . But too few survivors know this and, sadly, too few professionals as well. So people are not only baffled and alarmed by their symptoms; they are more often than not seeking – and getting – the wrong kind of help from people accustomed to using discussion, thinking, and language – help that often misfires. It’s not that talk therapy is bad. The emotional support of a sympathetic listener is as critically important as it ever was. It’s just that it’s not enough by itself . . . [pp. 12-13] You can learn more about this author and her work here, and I think you may find this article of hers particularly helpful right now: Guided Imagery for Relaxation I can assure you, Midnight, that (given the history you describe) you are not crazy. The reactions you are experiencing are real, and they are demanding your attention. Please share your recent symptoms with your doctor, and seek his help in obtaining the help you need and deserve.

Stepping Stones of Hope offers these announcements: Our third Camp Erin will be held on July 11 - 13, 2008 at Spirit in the Desert Retreat in Carefree. The program focuses on the connection between mind, body and spirit. Camp Erin, named in honor of Erin Metcalf, who died of liver cancer at 17, is sponsored by The Moyer Foundation, founded by professional baseball player Jamie Moyer and his wife Karen. For more information or to register, please click here. Our 17th Camp Paz, and second at the animal sanctuary Whispering Hope Ranch, will be held October 25th-26th, 2008. For more information or to register, please click here. Both Camp Erin and Camp Paz offer simultaneous programs for children and the adults in their lives. Both Camps provide the opportunity for grieving children and adults to interact with peers in a comfortable, welcoming atmosphere where feelings are truly expected and validated. A 6-week family support group follows each weekend program.

Deborah, dear ~ In the course of doing some other work online, I came across an excellent article that made me think of you immediately. The author is a bereaved mother (and PhD psychologist who also works with the bereaved). She is writing about her own grief process following the death of her child, but I think her words will ring true to all of us, and most especially (I hope) to you. To read the article, you can download the attached PDF file, or you can find it on the Grief Notes page of the author's Web site, Gili's Place. Once there, under Grief Notes, click on the article entitled On Choice and Grief. ChoosingToLiveAgain.pdf

Lin, dear ~ I can't think of a better way to describe what is so helpful about a grief support group than your statement, "When they say, 'How are you?' they really want to know." I just wanted to thank you for that. I also want to reinforce your suggestion to Singledad to "do whatever you need to do to get through this." The most important thing we parents can do with our children's grief is to take care of our own grief first. Think about the advice we're always given by airline attendants when they review with us what to do in case of an emergency: "Put your own oxygen mask on first ~ then assist your children with theirs."

Deborah, dear ~ You said, "Since his death I've counted month by month, now years and months, feeling like its my way of showing him I've not forgotten how much time has passed. But this month, I missed it." So often in grief we confuse the depth of our love with the strength of our pain. In other words, in my grief for the one who died, if I permit myself to stop hurting, even for a moment or an hour or a day ~ or if I let an anniversary date slip by without remembering my special person ~ it means somehow that I am forgetting the one I love. We confuse letting go of our pain with letting go of our beloved. I cannot tell you how to let go of the pain of losing Larry, any more than I can tell someone how to let go of the pain of losing a limb ~ but I do know that over time the pain of such a loss begins to lessen a bit. You'll never stop missing Larry, any more than an amputee would stop missing an absent arm or leg. You simply learn to live with what is left. That is what we're all doing, here, isn't it? Learning to live with what is left? And this learning is a process that takes time ~ perhaps a lifetime ~ to figure out. You say the struggle to live without Larry is exhausting you, and at the same time you feel guilty for not having the energy to begin investigating his death. I get this image of you torn between two very large objectives, unable to devote all of you to both of them, and therefore unable to devote any part of you to either. I wonder what would happen if you deliberately and intentionally set aside the latter for the time being (along with all the guilt you're feeling about not doing it), and decide to focus your full and undivided attention on your grief?

Program Manager Liane Fry offers this announcement: Please see the attached flyer for Camp Erin San Diego which is a weekend overnight camp, free to children who have been impacted by a death, running September 5-7, 2008 at Green Oak Ranch in Vista. Camp Erin San Diego is filled with traditional, fun, camp activities combined with grief education and emotional support. If you know of a family who would benefit from this service please give them the flyer. Support from The Moyer Foundation, Qualcomm and The Scripps Foundation ensures that Camp Erin San Diego is free to all campers. Thank you. Liane Fry, LMFT Program Manager Center for Grief Care and Education San Diego Hospice & Palliative Care 619-278-6516 6190SDHCampErin_SelfMailer07.pdf

Orange County Register reporter Sam Miller writes, I thought some of the grieving people you know in cyberspace might be interested in this story about the difficulties teens and adolescents go through when a parent dies: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 When dad dies, teen nearly follows After Gary Tannehill died, his oldest daughter sunk into chaos. A community rose up to support her. By SAM MILLER The Orange County Register Sondra Tannehill was 16 and drunk. The girl who was driving her has been drinking, too. They were both dressed up for a screening of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," wearing pink wigs and, she says, "dressed like prostitutes to the nth degree." They were lost in downtown Long Beach. They were being followed by a carful of strange men. They nearly got in a fight with eight girls in a 7/11 parking lot. And instead of thinking something like "I need to make some changes in my life, pronto," she was thinking "Ohmygod, this is so much fun!" It was four years after her dad died. "A lot of people say they hit bottom" she says now. "I am a bottomless pit. Bottom for me would be death. I was very close." When a young girl's parent dies, the uneasy drama of adolescence can become utter chaos. It did, anyway, for Sondra. Read on . . .

Kay said, if someone can find the link to Karen's story about scattering her husband's ashes, I think we could use that story again, it was great. Anyone??? Is this the post you meant, Kay? http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=13014

This message comes to us from Shayla Dugan, bereaved parent and HOPE mentor for the MISS (Mothers in Sympathy and Support) Foundation, a non-profit international organization that helps families cope with the death of a child: This September 25-28, in conjunction with the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation and Arizona State University, the MISS Foundation will hold its annual conference for bereaved families and professionals in Phoenix, Arizona. This is a rare opportunity for grieving parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, as well as compassionate professionals to come together to learn and share through various workshops and presentations. In addition, a kids’ camp is offered for grieving children and teens, ages 4 to 17. For more information, please feel free to visit our conference website or contact me, Shayla Dugan, at shayla@missfoundation.org For more information on the MISS Foundation, please visit us at www.missfoundation.org . Wishing you gentle days, Shayla Dugan, MSW HOPE Mentor MISS Foundation

Dear Ones, This announcement comes to us from Caring Connections, a program of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO): Family Caregiver Alliance Offers Free Telecaregiving Workshops Online Family Caregiver Alliance now offers an online audio archive of their popular TeleCaregiving(sm) Series. Caregivers can learn practical care skills from expert instructors without leaving the comfort or convenience of their home or office. Workshops are available on these and other topics: Caring Together! Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities with Siblings and other Family Members Here but Not Here-Finding Hope When Your Loved One Has Memory Loss Keeping Away the Caregiver Blues and Understanding Difficult Dementia Behaviors Each title in the archive is available free, 24 hours a day. Access the The TeleCaregiving(sm) Audio Workshop Archives on the Family Caregiver Alliance Web site. Once there, see the second column entitled Teleconference Archive.

TRUST by P.S. Gifford I trust my best friend one hundred percent, without any question or doubt. I tell him all of my secrets, share my dreams, confide my fears and confess my sins. He listens without ever passing judgment. I always feel better after confiding in him and I feel that everybody should have someone they can talk to discreetly. It is cathartic sharing your deepest most private feelings. Trust me on this. I have told him things I would not dream of telling anyone else and I know that he would never betray my trust in a million years. Often times we enjoy walking as we chat, maybe along an isolated beach, or sometimes in the mountains. It is invigorating simply being outdoors with him and whilst sharing his loyal company I have been inspired to write many of my stories. Being with him is liberating for the mind. Talking openly seems to have a marvelously stimulating effect on my imagination. It is as if he is some sort of magical catalyst to my inner truer self. Being with him allows me to tap into my deepest feelings. He truly makes me appreciate the simpler things in life. He is not swayed by materialistic things. He does not care what car I drive, what zip code my house is in, or how much money I earn. He appreciates me for precisely what I am. Chester has been a part of my life for six years now. And, to be perfectly frank, I can not even imagine him not being a part of it. There is great comfort in knowing that Chester will never think bad of me, no matter what I tell him. I swear he is better than any psychoanalyst. I have no need to pay anyone one hundred dollars an hour to analyze me. He is watching me type this and looks most curious. I suspect he knows I am writing about him. I swear he knows me so well that he can, on occasion, almost read my thoughts. I will read it to him before I hit the send key. He will get a good kick out of it I am sure. Then I will give his belly a good old scratch and take my beloved dog for a good hearty walk up the creek. Chester came from a dog shelter and had been terribly abused. But, he brings unconditional love into my life on a level that no person could ever compete. People are flawed. People can be vindictive, cruel and just plain mean. Dogs are loving. Dogs are forgiving, sweet and just plain needy. Yes, I have been blessed with a loving wife, a fantastic son, and numerous friends whom I trust ninety percent of the time. With my wife it is ninety nine percent. But even then humans are prone to anger, and anger tampers with the rational part of the mind, and people often say things that they will later regret. I know that all my secrets are completely safe with Chester. -- © 2008 by P.S. Gifford. Reprinted with permission of the author. Web site: http://www.psgifford.com; mail to: psgifford@earthlink.net

Dear Don, I, too, am so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Chewy, and I can assure you that the guilt you're feeling now is familiar to all of us who've been faced with that awful euthanasia decision. Try, for example, typing the word "guilt" in the search engine for this forum, and see how many posts come up for you. In addition, you might find this radio interview clip to be helpful. Follow this link, and when you get to the Web page, scroll down until you come to Segment on Pet Loss Grief and Guilt: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/deal..._pet_loss.shtml See also Loss and the Burden of Guilt

Shelley, dear ~ Stand up straight, keep your shoulders back and your head held high. Think positive thoughts when you get on that plane tomorrow, and know that we're all rooting for you! And throw a quarter or two in one of those slots for us when you get there! We are very, very proud of you. You GO, girl!

Lily, dear ~ I'm so sorry that you're having another lonely Sunday, but I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that we are here for you. I know from reading your earlier posts that you tried calling a local hospice to find out what, if any, bereavement services might be available in your community, but it was on a weekend and I don't know if you ever made any connection there. Since you are a little over six months into your grief journey, I hope you will consider finding an "in person" grief support group. Unfortunately friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers may not fully understand or appreciate the continuing bond you have with your husband and the pain you're still feeling weeks and months after Rich's death. What is more, if you're like most people in mourning, your need to talk about your loss will outlast the willingness of others (who are not in mourning themselves) to listen. It is precisely at this point that a support group can be most helpful, because it is one of the few places where you can still talk about the one you have loved and lost, and feel deeply understood. The people in a grief support group require no explanation from you as to why you're still feeling whatever it is you're feeling because they share a similar loss. They "know" where you are because they've been there, too, and they're all walking the same path that you're on now. Just as you've discovered among our members here, when you are with other mourners, you don't have to worry about making them uncomfortable. You won't get unsolicited advice from them; you won't be judged by anyone; you can share as much or as little as you choose; and you can pass if you don't feel like talking. A support group can help you feel less isolated and alone. It offers hope, too, because you're surrounded with others who know the darkness of loss but are not immobilized by it. Here's how one widow describes her experience with such a group: Profound grief was, for me, deeply isolating, because although family and friends wanted to help, it was impossible for them to relate to what I was going through. Instead, I joined a bereavement support group run by professional counselors, which made the experience more manageable. It gave the process structure and me a place where each week, no matter what else was going on in my life, my grieving was encouraged. I joined a support group – even though the thought of being with strangers was, at that time, the last thing I felt capable of doing. No matter what other challenges I was dealing with, this was a place for me to fully know my sorrow. By its very structure, a bereavement group offers a sort of marker, one that allows you to appreciate your ups and downs, as well as your progress. Sure, you’ll cry in front of people you don’t know, but they’ll cry as well. And eventually, you’ll cry less and laugh more as you cherish the emotional safety this group provides. You’ll also feel good about helping other group members, which in turn helps you to begin to feel powerful and whole again. You might feel afraid that it’s like going to therapy, something that might be especially scary when you’re so vulnerable. Be assured that while a licensed bereavement therapist moderates the group, this is a “support” process group that deals with the here and now; it is not a therapy group that delves into your childhood in order to resolve old issues. Source: The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey through Loss to Life and Laughter, © 2006 by Gloria Lintermans & Dr. Marilyn Stolzman, p. 7

Dear Ones, Perhaps it's time to post this again: Posted by Tricia in this forum on May 5 2005, 08:03 AM Wearing a white carnation on mothers' day represents the memory of your dear mom. Wear a red carnation if you are blessed to still have your mom. I am going to make a few for my MIL and aunts. My one aunt lost her mom (my husbands grandma) in October. I thought it would be a nice gesture. I am going to make ribbons with something written on them. Maybe our moms names....or in memory. Any thoughts?? Posted by: MartyT May 5 2005, 01:03 PM My dear Tricia, Thank you so much for reminding me of this lovely tradition. I remember when I was a child my father gathering my mother, my sister and me together every Mother’s Day before we went to church, and presenting each of us with a beautiful corsage of fragrant, fresh carnations: white ones for my mother, whose own mother died when she was a child, and red ones for my sister and me. I remember seeing all the ladies in church with their corsages, too. My father explained that the white carnations meant that a person’s mother was deceased, and you wore red or pink ones when she is alive. Nowadays I suppose some will say that the Mother’s Day tradition of carnations and corsages was only a gimmick to help florists sell flowers, and maybe there is some truth to that – but it is a lovely tradition nonetheless, and I’m sorry we don’t see it anymore. Seeing those corsages signified to me that the women wearing them loved their mothers, and if the carnations were white, it signified that those women cherished how much their mothers loved them. I know we’ll never stop people from commercializing Mother’s Day by selling flowers, greeting cards, boxes of candy or meals at local restaurants. But how we feel about our mothers is priceless. I wonder what would happen if we all decided to revive an old tradition – by wearing white carnations on Mother’s Day? Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

[Derek, dear heart ~ I don't want to interrupt this thread ~ I just want to say hello and tell you how lovely it is to "see" you here again ]

Shelley, dear ~ I think the positive self-talk you're using and the sound advice you are giving to yourself are excellent Good for you

Shelley, dear ~ you might find these posts (by our own DesertBob) helpful: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2651&view=findpost&p=18732 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2666&view=findpost&p=19098 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2666&view=findpost&p=19238 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2770&view=findpost&p=19840 I know you love old songs, too, and you may like this one. It's an old World War II song, and it always makes me think of my own beloved parents: I'll be Seeing You I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places That this heart of mine embraces All day through: In the small cafe, the park across the way, The children's carousel, the chestnut tree The wishing well. I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day, In everything that's light and gay. I'll always think of you that way. I'll find you in the morning sun, And when the night is new, I'll be looking at the moon -- but I'll be seeing you. — Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain

Elizabeth, dear ~ our thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad and difficult time. I'm so sorry . . .

Shelley, dear ~ You can do this You will do this You are not doing this alone Both your parents are with you And every one of your GH family is with you, right there in your heart

Hi Robert ~ It's all fixed! I changed your e-mail address as you requested.

Dear Ones, See also John's Book List And John's very own book, Finding My Banana Bread Man [Note to John: I received my very own copy of your beautiful book that you were kind enough to send to me last week, via your dear friend Ann ~ and having just finished reading it (again!) I am so proud of you I could burst. Your book is simply wonderful, John, and I will do everything I can to help you to spread the word about it. Thank you so very much for this most precious gift of love ~ and I can think of no greater way to honor the memory of your beloved Jack than this.]

My dear Kay, If what you need if for someone to take you seriously and to validate your concerns, let me hasten to add my voice to Kathy's and Deborah's. If I were you, I would be feeling exactly as you are about all of this. I would much rather have a physician tell me, "Your husband's fine; there's nothing to worry about" than to say, "Why didn't you have him come in to see me when you first noticed these symptoms?" We will keep you both in our thoughts and prayers, dear Kay, in hopes that you will find a way to get your hubby checked out as soon as you can.

Oh Scotty ~ Bless your sweet heart. If only our relatives, friends and co-workers had a clue about any of this. Please see some of the articles and resources listed on this page of my Grief Healing Web site ~ you might consider printing a couple of the articles and sending them to that brother-in-law of yours: Helping Someone Who's Grieving And I hope you will pursue your interest in consulting with a grief counselor. I think it is one of the best presents you can give to yourself, and you deserve it. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't hesitate to seek professional help to make sure it heals properly ~ yet here you are with a broken heart, and you're expecting to take care of it all by yourself. You do not have to do this all by yourself!

I was invited to discuss A Different Grief: Coping with the Loss of An Animal Companion with Colleen Mihelich on her radio program, Finding Hope in Pet Loss on My Pet Station this past Monday, April 21, 2008. If you'd like to listen to the interview, you can do so here. (You'll need to allow about thirty minutes to hear all four segments of the program.)