MartyT

Bless your very precious heart, dear John. We are grateful for you, too. What would this site be, if not for the earth angels such as yourself who make up this loving family of ours?

Dear Ones, This important announcement comes to us from the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC): National Healthcare Decisions Day...Because Your Decisions Matter History will be made April 16, 2008. Approximately 50 of the most prominent national healthcare, religious and legal associations and organizations as well as countless local and state organizations will participate in the inaugural National Healthcare Decisions Day. At every level, the goal of this nation-wide initiative is to ensure that all adults with decision-making capacity in America have both the information and the opportunity to communicate and document their future healthcare decisions. While making healthcare decisions is often difficult in the best of circumstances, making decisions for others is even more complicated. Each of us has the ability to guide our healthcare providers and our loved ones about what we want. Advance directives give you the ability to document the types of healthcare you do and do not want and to name an "agent" to speak for you if you cannot speak for yourself. As Terri Schiavo's situation vividly revealed, having an advance directive can be valuable for all adults, regardless of current age or health status. With the Patient Self-Determination Act of 1990, Congress affirmed the right of every citizen to set forth his or her future healthcare wishes in writing with an "advance directive." Yet, various estimates suggest that fewer than 25% of all Americans have an advance directive. For an action that can be done without a lawyer, for free, and relatively easily, this figure is astonishingly low. In recognition of this, National Healthcare Decisions Day strives to provide much-needed information to the public, reduce the number of tragedies that occur when a person's wishes are unknown, and improve the ability of healthcare facilities and providers to offer informed and thoughtful guidance about advance healthcare planning to their patients. Please visit www.nationalhealthcaredecisionsday.org for a variety of free information (including free advance directives forms for every state) and tools to assist with thoughtful reflection on healthcare choices. Additionally, watch for events in your community honoring National Healthcare Decisions Day. With healthcare, "your decisions matter" -- however, others need to know your wishes to honor them. There are no right answers when thinking about healthcare choices and completing an advance directive. Please use April 16, 2008, to decide, discuss and document your wishes, whatever they may be.

Samantha, dear ~ Both Leeann and Shell make excellent points. Everyone is different, and in the end, of course, it is up to you to decide what is helpful to you as you travel your own journey through grief. I thought you might find it helpful to read some earlier posts dealing with the value of seeking counseling: Reluctant to Seek Counseling: “my husband says he's worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor......that would be defeating for me.......” Never Too Late to Do the Work of Mourning Top Ten Reasons for Avoiding Counseling Support Group Didn't Help - What Now? Counseling: “I didn’t want to go at first, but now I’m so glad I did”

Hi Robert ~ The topic of dreams has come up many times in our forums, so you are not alone in wondering about this. To find some of the earlier posts, just type in the words "grief dreams" in the search engine (the box at the top of the main page that says Enter words to search...), then click "Go" and see what comes up.

Radio Program Announcement for Thursday, April 10, 2008, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific (12 noon Eastern) bereaved sibling Linda Pountney will appear on Healing the Grieving Heart with Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley Linda Pountney's identical twin sister Paula died in a plane crash in 1973. As Vice President of Twinless Twins Support Group International, she's involved in regional and national activities, and is passionate about helping twins survive the devastating loss of their twin. Visit Linda's Web site, www.twinlesstwins.org. For Internet radio show information, go to Healing the Grieving Heart's blog page, http://thegriefblog.com. You'll find a link to the radio station at the top in the middle, just above the program announcement. To listen to the live show, click here.

Midnight, you might find these threads helpful: Not Sleeping I Feel So Exhausted The Use of Anti-Depressants in Grieving?

What a wonderful, heartwarming story, Leeann! Thank you

Good Heavens, Susan! I am so sorry to learn that your experiences were so awful. May I offer some other suggestions? First, you might want to read this post: Finding A Support Group I don't know which hospice you contacted to find a support group, but obviously it was not a good match. There are so many other outstanding grief support groups "out there," and since you indicated in an earlier post that you live in a fairly large city, I sincerely hope that you will consider expanding your search beyond that particular hospice! Mortuaries, funeral homes, churches, synagogues, hospitals, even a local crisis or suicide helpline would keep lists of whatever bereavement resources are available in your community (and you do not have to be suicidal to contact a suicide helpline!) See, for example, http://www.clevelandcatholiccemeteries.org/bereavement.html I just hope that you won't let this bad experience keep you from finding the support that you need and deserve.

Dear Sam, You may find this earlier thread helpful: My Mom Is Moving On Too Fast And this thread offers a discussion of the topic from many different viewpoints: New Relationships (Note that this thread covers four pages; to change pages, click on one of the page numbers at the top of the post, on the left).

I just discovered something! If you right-click on the message you are composing (inside the "Replying" box) an option appears: "Spell check this field" ~ Try it and see if it works for you!

Lori, dear ~ I think it’s only natural that, as time passes, certain of your memories will fade ~ especially if you don’t do anything to keep them in the forefront of your consciousness. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; some aspects of your mother’s last days undoubtedly were very sad for you, and to recall and constantly dwell on those bad memories could generate a great deal of suffering and anxiety. On the other hand, your fear seems to be that, along with all the sad memories of your mother’s death, you are losing a grip on the positive memories of your mother’s life as well. I think it’s important to recognize that you do have some control over what you choose to remember and what you choose to forget. You can readjust your thoughts, and take delight in the loving memories you hold tenderly in your heart. You can incorporate your mother’s ongoing presence in your life by the specific ways in which you intentionally and deliberately choose to remember her. I am reminded of Elaine Stillwell’s poignant comment, “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.” She encourages us to “find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear . . . We all answer a special need from the sacred center of our heart that connects us with our loved one . . . Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one’s memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joys to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory.” [ Elaine Stillwell, in “Singing Their Song,” Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4, p. 24] You can bring your memories of your mother into your awareness by deliberately setting aside some time to think about her. Immerse yourself in memories. Use whatever aids you can find as cues: a photograph of the two of you together, a piece of jewelry, an article of clothing, a special gift or heirloom you received from her, or an important lesson you learned from her. What wisdom and encouragement did you gain from her? In her wonderful book, Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World, Elizabeth Harper Neeld describes her conscious and deliberate decision to keep her memories of her deceased husband Greg alive: A person who is gone can live on in memory as an active agent in one’s life, not just as someone you love and miss, not just as a nostalgic sadness. We make meaning of the memories. From the memories we extract values, ideals, insight, pleasures, awareness. This, then, was how Greg would fit into my life. I knew, for instance, that I would always care for my family in a different way because Greg had enabled me to see them in a new light. I would always feel more connected to the out-of-doors because with him I had learned new ways to see the woods, the mountains, the sea. I would always be more awake to the sensuous pleasures of life – colors, smells, sounds, tastes – because I had been able to experience them with him. And I would always know what love was, because he had loved me. I would always enjoy the opera and the ballet, which I shared with him . . . I would always like red geraniums by the front door and eggs scrambled with brie. I would always want to drive a clean car, and I would always ask if the saltwater taffy had been made on the premises. -- Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World, © 2003 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, pp. 256-257. You can create a memory box with pictures, letters and mementos of your mother. Sit with its contents whenever you want to remember her. Revisit those places that hold special memories. Read some of your mother’s favorite books. Look through old photo albums or scrapbooks. Listen to her favorite songs or watch a favorite movie that you both loved. Let the stories and most pleasing recollections of your mother come into your mind, and find some way to share them, whether that is by writing them down or telling them to someone. Ask those who knew your mother to share their memories of her with you. Think of a word or phrase that will bring your mother into your conscious awareness, and use it whenever you feel a need for her presence. In their important book, Re-Membering Lives, authors Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade take memory-making even further. They advocate the deliberate construction of stories that continue to include the dead in the membership of our lives: After someone dies our lives continue to unfold. We take on new identities, enter different life phases, and bring new people into membership in our clubs. The challenge of remembering conversation now moves beyond the task of incorporating memories and echoes of previous conversations with the deceased into our consciousness. It takes on a developmental focus to braid the posthumous with the living. Perhaps, we might introduce a dead grandmother to her newborn grandchildren and express the joy that she would share in the prospect of their lives. We might speculate about the meaning to her of events in the life of a family. We might consult her opinion on parenting in ways that we never had cause to while she was alive. In these ways, we might continue to populate our conversations with her voice and our consciousness with a richer range of voices than if we stuck rigidly to the voices of the real in the present. In these ways, she might continue to live on in her stories and even augment them along the way . . . -- Re-Membering Lives, © 2004 by Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade, pp. 85-86]

Very wise words, dear Tori ~ and bless you for sharing them with all of us . . .

Dear Sister, I wonder what responses you would get if you asked that same question of the people who were the recipients of your brother’s organs. I’m sure that, from their perspective and that of their family members, you certainly did “make the right choice.” I can think of no greater gift than that of organ donation, especially considering the tragic circumstances under which this precious gift was given by you and your family. I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like for you and your family to have found yourselves in the position you describe, and I certainly can understand why, months later, you are still questioning the wisdom of the god-like decision you all were required to make. I think it's only natural to question such awesome decisions. Nevertheless, as I read your tragic story, it seems to me that you were honoring your brother’s wishes as you all understood them to be, and you did exactly what he would have wanted you to do. Without excusing any insensitivity on the part of the organ donation staff, I also have to believe that the people involved in your brother’s case were legally, ethically and morally bound to adhere to a very strict protocol in making certain that your brother was dead before they harvested any organs and tissues from his body. I can only hope that, as you come to terms with this, you will give yourself the credit you deserve, and find some comfort in knowing that you helped your brother in this most selfless act of unmeasurable generosity. I am reminded of this beautiful poem by Robert N. Test: To Remember Me The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped. When that day comes, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or the love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man. Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever. You might also find these resources informative and helpful: Organ Donation: Don’t Let Myths Stand In Your Way Stories of Hope An In-Depth Look at Organ and Tissue Donation (PBS) Daniel’s Story

You might check with your local hospice, mortuary, hospital, church or synagogue (or even your primary care physician) for information on what bereavement support resources are available in your own community. The following sites offer help in finding a hospice in your geographical area: How to Find a Local Hospice Find a Provider: NHPCO See also some of the sites listed here: Counseling ~ Support

Dear Ones, I've just listened to a re-broadcast of an excellent radio program that was aired yesterday on Public Radio and want to share it with all of you. Among other things, Dr. Trout discusses his observations about the heartfelt connections that develop between pet parents and their animal children. Here is NPR's brief description of the content, along with a link to the program: Fresh Air from WHYY, March 20, 2008 · Veterinarian Nick Trout joins Fresh Air to talk about his new memoir, Tell Me Where It Hurts: A Day of Humor, Healing and Hope in My Life as an Animal Surgeon. The British-born, Cambridge-educated Trout is staff surgeon at Boston's Angell Animal Medical Center, a 185,000-square-foot facility treating 50,000 animals each year. He's performed CAT scans on rats and at least one ultrasound on a frog — and he says that in his two and a half decades of practice, he's seen the relationship between pets and people change dramatically. His personality, says a Publishers Weekly review, "suffuses the many stories sifted from recollections of thousands of animal encounters during his 25 years of practice," and the book "shows how the daily life of a veterinarian requires the ability to be a social worker, a psychologist, a grief counselor, mentor, carpenter, plumber, cosmetologist, athletic coach, magician, grim reaper, and occasionally, guardian angel." You'll find a link to the radio program here.

Deborah, dear, if you haven't read it already, you may find this post helpful: New Problem: Is This Normal?

Robert, my dear, you know yourself better than anyone else does, and it is for you alone to decide what you need to do to take care of yourself. So by all means, go with our blessings, and know that if and when you ever need to come back to us, for whatever reason, I will be the first one to welcome you with open arms ~ and I am willing to bet that everyone else here feels exactly the same way. Wishing you peace and continued healing, MartyT

Robert, dear ~ I'm so glad that you and Gary have each other, and pleased as well that you've brought your cousin into our family

I think you'll find it here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=21826

Dear Gary, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father when you were only 10 years old, and I'm sorry, too, to think that you are carrying such a heavy load of guilt on your young shoulders. I won't try to talk you out of such guilt, because I know that such a feeling can be quite irrational and unjustified, but it's still there, and sometimes we simply cannot help what we feel. Please do keep in mind, however, that just because you FEEL guilty, it does not mean that you ARE guilty of the crime you're accusing yourself of. Clearly you were just a boy when you made this remark to your dad ~ and I doubt if there is a person among us who hasn't said something nasty to one of our parents when we were kids. Your cousin is right: surely your dad knew you loved him, and like any parent he would be willing to forgive you. What is harder is for you to find some way to forgive yourself. You might consider writing your dad a letter of apology ~ as a way of expressing all you need to say to him. Then you could take the letter to a very private place (maybe outdoors, to a special place that reminds you of your dad, or that you used to go to together). Set a match to the letter, let it burn to ashes, and let your guilt go up in smoke along with the letter. Or you might try doing something for someone in need, both in honor of your dad and as a way to make amends. I want to point you to two earlier posts in the Loss of a Parent forum that discuss dealing with the death of a parent at an early age. Although in these two cases the parent who died was a mother rather than a father, I think the content of the messages may be of particular interest to you: Can't Sleep, posted on Feb. 14, 2006 Gone and Forgotten, posted on May 9, 2005 Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Maylissa, dear ~ I know there is nothing I can say to ease your broken heart, but I will say it anyway. I’m so very sorry to learn of your loss of Maggie, who truly has been such an angel of mercy for you these last few months. I hope it brings you some small comfort to know that you were for Maggie her angel of mercy, too. The joy she brought to you was returned tenfold, because you showered her with just as much love as she gave back to you. You have so much love to give to these precious feline creatures, Maylissa. I know that if my soul should ever come back to this world incarnated as a cat, of all the people on this earth, I would want to belong to you. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad and difficult time.

Good for YOU, Shelley! We're very proud of you!

Annie, thank you so much for posting this important message! Finding a good therapist or counselor is no different from finding any other provider of health services ~ you are the consumer here, and you have every right to expect a good "fit" between you and the person with whom you are entrusting your health care ~ whether that care is physical or emotional. It's important for all our bereaved members to know that, if after two or three sessions you don't sense that your therapist or counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn't seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try a different one. Regarding PTSD, make sure you pay a visit to the Gift from Within Web site; it contains a wealth of useful information on the subject, and features some of the country's leading experts in the successful treatment of PTSD. (Once on the main page, hover your mouse over the topics listed at the top of the page to see the detailed drop-down lists: Articles, Tapes & DVDs, Trauma Support, etc.)

Dear Ones, Unfortunately, we just don't have a Spell-Check feature on this site, but if that is important to you, here's what you might try. Use your computer's word processing program to compose whatever text you want to post here, run your spell-check program, then cut and paste the final draft onto your "clipboard" so you can place it in the white box that appears when you click the "Reply" button on our site. That's the only way I can think of ~ Does anyone else have any suggestions? Perhaps it also needs to be said that no one on our site is a stickler for proper spelling and grammar ~ and we're all pretty good at deciphering each other's words, even if they're not spelled correctly ~ are we not?

Elizabeth, dear ~ We can always spare happy thoughts and prayers, and we are sending all of those in dear little Roarie's direction.