kayc

I don't think it's pushing him aside to do what you need to do, he would want you to take care of the kids and yourself. They are never out of our hearts, it's more like we carry them with us as we're going through our day. Good luck and keep us posted about your son.

I didn't get to say goodbye or any of the things I wish I could have told him either. I think whenever there's a tragic event (like the miners) it brings it all home to us...only theirs had a happy ending, thank God.

I didn't know you were from Norway! I refuse to even think about Christmas until I get past Halloween and Thanksgiving. I have my house decorated with fall leaves...that used to be hard for me to do because it was something George and I always did together. He loved all of the seasons.

I would say because the way you are feeling isn't a good place to stay in...it only makes sense to press on. I know it pretty much sucks, but it will get easier to deal with on down the road.

Loneliness is a persistent visitor. It helps to keep busy, make plans, etc.

I am sorry about your loss. It's not a matter of ownership, they become part of the family and you were the "Grandma" just like I am to my son's dog, Skye. I have taken care of Skye as much as my son has and he is very dear to me, even though he knows he belongs to my son. Any time we lose a relationship, whether a person or a furry friend, it is a hard loss and it takes much time to adjust to them being gone. (((hugs))) Kay

Don't let them scare you, it's a matter of knowing what they could/couldn't do and whether they'd likely act on it. They're calling your bluff. The big things to consider would be bank accounts, property, vehicles. Were they in joint names with survivorship status? If so, nothing to worry about. However, if they were in his name only, they should go to probate where they'd be decided upon, depending on what state he lived in. Did he have a will? If not, they would most like divide amongst his children but it could be held up in court for a long time. That is up to THEM to pursue, not for you to handle, unless you are contesting it.

Happy Anniversary! I pray you feel especially close to him today and God gives you a special day. Love never dies, so just because they went someplace else, we still share love.

I'm glad you have someone at work who is understanding and caring. Even though they died, we still like to talk about them. It's been 5 1/2 years for me and yet just last night a man in my Bible Study group brought up George and it meant so much to me to hear him talk about him. It makes us feel good that others remember them!

I am so sorry for all you have been through. Yes you are "normal", grief is individual, everyone grieves differently and our timelines are all different. You have compounded grief because you are dealing both with the loss of your cat AND the stuff with your ex. Please don't concern yourself with what he tells people, in fact, my advice would be to not frequent the same places/friends and to ask your friends not to pass on information about him to you. He is violent and angry and not someone to care what he thinks. If I lost my dog that I have, I don't think I'd ever get over it, we are so close, I can't imagine losing him. I had a cat I was really close to, Chappy, and I still miss him, but my dog has taken over the empty place left in my heart by his passing...you never stop missing those that you love and lose, but you do in time learn to live with that loss. My condolences and best to you. Kay

You aren't weak, you have been through severe trauma and it takes a lot of time and effort to get through this. It is a day at a time, please try not to worry about what you'll do with the rest of your life, just get through today. Volunteering can be small things, it doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be something that fits in with your life and desires. It can be holding babies in the neonatal unit or walking dogs at the humane society, it can be handing out a cup of soup in a homeless facility, it can be stopping in at a nursing home to visit the neighbor that went there. It gets our focus off ourselves and actually brings back more joy than we impart. You will know what to do when the time is right for you. Right now just get through today. I'm sorry you're so far away from family, I hope you have someone there that you can call on, we all need that.

Welcome to this site, I am sorry you lost your husband. Many people won't understand because they haven't been through it but people here will. I agree, it's not so much what others think as recognizing your needs and learning to stand up for yourself and be the best person you can be.

Most of the time you know if they're just giving you social graces or if they honestly want to know. Most of the time, it's the first, but with close friends or family, probably the latter. If in doubt you could ask but then they'd just say they wanted to know when in fact they may not want to and may be uncomfortable.

I agree with what has been suggested already. When you talk to her, make sure to focus on your feelings to help preclude her getting hurt feelings. People can't argue our experience/feelings. Example: "When you bring up how awful I must be feeling, it makes me focus on it and I feel worse. I choose to focus on what I can do about the situation rather than how terrible everything seems." or "When you talk about how wonderful your life/husband/kids are, I think about the contrast to my own life/situation/kids...maybe we could talk about something else at least until I can better handle this. It makes me think about all I am missing out on, my kids are missing, etc." Good luck, I know it's hard, their worlds seem very removed from the one we now have. I know she's trying to be understanding, sympathetic, but sometimes when they haven't been through it they just don't know the best way or what we need and we have to tell them.

Marion, I know the panicky feeling you are experiencing. Try not to worry about taxes, etc. When you think of something that you know will need to be done, write it down. As you think of it, write down what you think you will need or need to do with that situation. Taxes are a prime example. You will need to have on hand mortgage interest (they will mail you a form by Jan. 31), you will need W-2's (employers also mail those by Jan. 31). Any mileage to go to doctors, etc. you can write down all of the drs appts in the year and figure out mileage that way. Property tax statements will be mailed to you shortly, you'll need that. Receipts for anything medical, Rxs, glasses, doctors, hospitals, ambulance, etc. You are able to claim your husband the first year even though he died, after that you will need to change your W-4 to Single instead of married or you will be hit with up to $1200 owing in the year, that is the approximate difference in withholdings. You can go to the IRS site on line and look for withholding calculator and answer the questions and it will tell you what your withholding exemptions should be. If you are afraid you don't have all of your medical receipts, you can call the doctors, etc. and request they send them to you and let you know what you (not your insurance) have paid during the year. You still have six months before you have to file so you don't even need to tackle any of this yet, if you want, you can wait until January and that should give you plenty of time to collect everything. I use www.taxbrain.com and love it because it has a library of information, live chat, you can call them, and all you have to do is answer their questionnaire and they figure out the best way for you to file and compile the tax returns for you. Also, if you discover after you file that you need to amend a return, you can do it at no extra charge beginning with the info you've already inputted. They keep the returns on line for you for several years so you don't even have to worry about losing a return. It sounds like your mind is going bananas with anxiety, I know how that feels, esp. in the middle of the night. Try calming music, scents, anything that helps relax you, and talk to your doctor if it causes you to lose too much sleep or happens too much. It's good that you talk to us here, we've all been through this, we understand. How wonderful that you had a husband that took such good care of you! I'm sure you miss him tremendously. You can do this, you will learn just how competent you are as you begin to do things you've never had to do before. You may have been treated like a fairy princess by your husband, but that doesn't mean you're not a dynamic woman that can tackle anything you need to! (((hugs))) Kay

Melina, The night before last I woke up a little after 11:00 pm and never got back to sleep. Thinking about Jim and what he said/did/didn't, etc. etc. Thought about all the world's problems, roughly 40% of them being mine. Couldn't shut my brain off. Finally realized my alarm hadn't gone off (the volume accidentally got turned down) and I was 1/2 hour late getting up. don't you just hate nights like that? Sometimes it helps to get up and try to enjoy some of the time rather than fight it, but if you're like me, you hear the ticking of the clock to say "only two more hours to get some sleep...you need some sleep...time's going..." A friend brought me some CDs that play nature sounds to help me sleep by, my sister got me sleepy time tea, honestly, I don't know what works but there's times I'd try anything. My heart goes out to you. Maybe we need to start a night time club here on this site, I wonder how many are awake anyway?

I am so sorry you got an uncaring cop. He could have helped you instead of having your truck towed, they do have some discretion. The longer it sits at the tow place, the more $ it costs to get it out as they charge daily charges. Do you have a male friend or brother that can take a look at your car and see why the antifreeze is leaking? Is it coming from the radiator or the overflow? I'm sorry Hon, big hugs! It's this kind of stuff I hate and it makes me feel so alone. As my sister told me this week, you ARE alone. Great. I didn't need that emphasized.

Wow, it's been 5 1/2 years and I still haven't rented a dumpster! I'm impressed. I'm trying to go through a nook or corner at a time, I figure it'll take me at least forever! Unless you have a deadline to meet for selling a house or something, I'd give yourself some time... and like Tammy said, a pat on the back!

It's good to know that I have some people who care enough to show their love to me on my birthday, it meant a great deal to me. It's never good to be so wrapped up in yourself that you can't extend some effort to others. Last night I took flowers to a friend and a pie to my FIL in his nursing home. It feels good to get out of yourself and do something for others, even on your birthday.

I am sorry you experienced someone's ignorant insensitivity. What difference does sexual orientation make when it comes to losing our partner? We're all pretty much going through the same thing, regardless of gender, regardless of orientation. The point is, we miss them, we are suffering loss, it's affected our identities, our unfinished chores, our unpaid bills, our unshared regales. We sleep alone, live alone, cook for one (plus whatever children), and have noone special to tell jokes to, share burdens with, or anyone who will appreciate those new clothes or lost pounds on us. We attend functions alone, check off "single" on forms, and a million other things we didn't want or wish for. In that respect, we are all one and the same.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you Tuesday. Some people have used the anniversary time to do something special for their departed loved one, maybe you can think of something special to do for him? George and I had reservations to go to the coast to celebrate our anniversary so I had to call it off...I thought about going anyway but just couldn't bear being there without him...in the end I decided to stay home and try to ignore the day but everyone has handled it differently. Maybe different ones can share how they handled their anniversary after the death and maybe lend some ideas?

Rachel, Welcome to this site, I hope you find immense comfort and encouragement here as I have over the years. However you choose to grieve is totally up to you, if you want to sleep with the urn, who is there to object to it? You are trying to be as close as you can to him, and if that helps, that's all that matters. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship and I'm glad you got those last few years together. George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years and were married for 3 years 8 months to the day. It's not about quantity, it's about quality...and the more quality the relationship, the more we miss them. (((hugs)))

It is hard. George had just had his birthday when he died on Father's Day. Then I faced, alone, 4th of July, Labor Day (which was always big in our family), my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day. By the time I got around to Easter, I major rebelled. I refused to do another holiday without him. My kids said it was okay, we could ignore it or do Xmas on Easter or any which way I wanted. I chose to ignore Easter. I didn't go to church, I treated it like any other day (and that was not like me)...I had the kids up for dinner the following weekend but we didn't mention any holidays. By the next year I was more ready to do it although my heart was not in it. I would have skipped Xmas altogether if my son hadn't gotten a tree and all the kids put it up and decorated it. It takes time, and it will never be the same without him.

I know, it is hard. All we can do is keep trying...

Melina, We didn't get to talk about death/dying either because it all happened so fast and we didn't get to be alone with each other when he was awake. But I sensed a pulling away, just a bit, when I came to see him that fateful day, and I think he had an idea that he might not make it and was trying to deal with it. We had always shared everything, but maybe it just is that you leave face your maker alone and that is the one thing I couldn't share with him. I wish I could have held his hand when he died, I wish I could have ushered him into the next life, but I wasn't allowed that. I do know that God was there to greet him on the other side and those gone before us, and I know he is okay...it is me that is left here in this imperfect world to deal with all the problems and suffering...not him. For that I am thankful, he is out of it...it's me that has to continue on.