kayc

Gin, I'm sorry. I had a torn meniscus and it took about a year to heal, they're very painful. She clearly wasn't thinking about that. You're right, sometimes they speak without thinking. I hope yours heals soon. Are you having surgery or doing PT?

Anne, I went there but didn't see how to sign up. There was an article to read and a survey...???

Terri, you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself, I feel what you're saying. Someone commenting on enjoying a beautiful day to you, esp. this soon, you want to say, "As if!" No, people don't get it, how could they? Until they are in our shoes, horror of horrors, how could they!

Brad, your quote from CS Lewis is profound. It depicts what we often feel like when encountering our most troubling times. It is written about by mystics such as in "Dark Night of the Soul". It is when we have hit rock bottom and feel most deserted that we often grow...something hard to explain, but true. It reminds me of a song, "In the Valley, He Restoreth my soul". One of those mysteries...

Terri, First let me say how very sorry I am that you lost your best friend and husband to sudden death, that in itself is overwhelming. Ask any of us here, we know! That your BIL said that to you seems hard to comprehend! I have had to get rather bold with people in response, as you did. I see nothing wrong with that, there is, after all, no one else who will stand up for us now that our husbands have died. When your friends talked to you about not moving someone in, I think I would have looked around me (as if looking for who they're talking to) and said, "You're talking to ME???!!" That's nuts! Yet we all know someone who HAS moved on and rather quickly (my ex-neighbor moved in with a guy two weeks after her husband of many years suddenly passed) and I'm sure they meant well in trying to warn you. You can only respond that you have no such desire or plans in the making. I'm glad you've decided to come here, Marty has posted some great links and I hope you've had time to read them. Please feel free to come here any time and post how you're feeling, we will hear you.

I keep up with the cleaning, laundry, groceries, meal-prep, walks, paying bills...but lack somewhat in the motivation to do what I don't HAVE to do...like throwing away stuff, participating in hobbies, just generally lacking in the desire to do so. And for me it'll be 11 years in June! So don't be hard on yourself, it's just part of it.

Cookie, I have belief in God but I don't see what that has to do with missing George, which is ever present. One does not replace another! Yes, faith helps as it gives me hope but different people find their way differently. It's not something to ever push on anyone else. In the Christian religion, God cared so much about FREEDOM to choose, He GAVE us that ability to choose, even if it meant choosing to our detriment! How then, can someone, in the name of the same religion PUSH God on someone? That seems a contradiction. I'm not trying to open this for further discussion, not in the least...my hope is that here we can give each other the respect to choose for ourselves and continue to be respectful of each other's choices, whether it be the God of a Christian religion or Buddha, agnostic, atheist, or whatever. We all come to our own faith in different ways, different timing. I remember two weeks after George died, I was in the back of the sanctuary after church and a lady asked how I was and I started crying. She said, "You can't miss George if you have Jesus!" I looked at her like she was from outer space! I replied, "Jesus is here, George isn't!" The pastor, overhearing, said, "That's right." People just get caught up in their own dogma and don't see our world has shattered. She has still to this day not had to go through loss and I don't expect her to understand. Even those who HAVE lost their husbands, it's not always the same...their relationship was different than ours, their coping abilities different, their life experience different, their reliance different. How can we compare that?! We can't!

This is not uncommon in grief, Maryann. So many things we used to have joy in now bring us...nothing. It's as if we lose our will, our motivation. I understand. That's one of the hardest things to get back and it's not a once and be done with it fix either, more of an uphill struggle. I still battle it off and on to some degree.

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. That must hurt like the dickens! It very well could be her coping mechanism, no one can know but her. I would continue loving her but you're limited by her refusal to have anything to do with you. Could she be blaming you for something? If you know of it, perhaps a note of apology and restatement of your love for her. I'm assuming from the way you write that you and he were divorced? Two months is a relatively short time in the big picture of dealing with grief. I hope this will evolve so that you can resume relationship with each other. My heart goes out to you. Elsewhere in behaviors of bereavement, Marty posted to Bev some links, you could try reading them and see if they offer some insight to you.

As I've told you before, we all have appreciated your bit of sunshine in our lives. I haven't read anything that indicated someone hurting you so I'm not sure what the forgiveness is for. Perhaps I missed something, I was gone this weekend but tried to keep up, just not as good with my laptop. You know I wish you well too, especially with having medical problems compounded with grief. Your faith will carry you.

I don't know a way to speed up grieving, other than to go straight through it. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, cry your tears. If you find you're doing so all the time, perhaps allow yourself a set time every day for crying, and try keeping yourself busy and engaged with other people during the rest of the time. I tried holding it together while at work, but cried a LOT for at least four months. After that I told myself that was enough (that might not work for everyone, it did for me) and I began my road to recovery. It's a good thing too, because when we did resume communication, he was waffling, back and forth, and it was important for me to be strong inside and not let him yank me around emotionally. He wasn't trying to, but he was just a mess. I think the main reason he hasn't tried to get me back since is he doesn't trust himself to not hurt me or someone else again if the unexpected happens in life, which none of us can predict. Being as this is how he responds to grief, I don't want that either. Try not to beat yourself up over "doing everything wrong", we didn't get a how to manual with the situation, we were all winging it, and after all, you're grieving too...not only them but the loss of your relationship. I'm glad you've read Marty's links, it helps to understand what to/not to do.

That is one side of the coin. In my case, when I lost my husband 10 1/2 years ago, friends disappeared. My best friends did not even attend the funeral! Not because they were busy, but they made plans AFTER he died, AFTER they knew when the funeral will be. I didn't cut off my friends, they cut ME off. I did articulate myself! They weren't listening. I was always there for them and never would have treated them this way if roles had been reversed. Death makes people uncomfortable. It causes them to think of their own mortality. And they think, "if this person could lose their husband, it could happen to ME too!" So they withdraw. You're left alone at a time in your life when you most need your friends. I realize this was not the situation you found yourself in, but that happens less often than people ditching the bereaved. It's hard saying why some people withdraw when they lose a loved one, but I only know not everyone copes the same. Be careful not to judge him though, I know what he's done to you hurts, but I also know it's not intentional, however it may seem. Right now all he can see is his loss and pain. I know you were close to your in-laws, but however close you were, they were HIS PARENTS. I would respect his wishes for now. Perhaps on down the road (months) you can make a simple brief contact...perhaps a card saying you're thinking of him and he's in your prayers, or something like that. Keep it brief. Do NOT speak relationship issues! Do NOT say anything that puts pressure on him in any way. Even saying "I miss you" can be felt as pressure on his end and he won't respond the way you'd hope. Make this about HIM and not you. I know this is hard, but it's best to go on with your life for the time being. And yes, I know what a tall order that is. He isn't interested in what was going on with you, he isn't interested in fixing your relationship, not right now; right now all he sees is his own pain which is all encompassing. In response to " On the other hand, if i stop trying isnt that giving up and showing no love???" No, quite the opposite. By respecting his wishes, you are actually cementing what good still exists between the two of you. I encouraged you to read all of the "Loss of Love" threads you could. If you read them, beginning to end (I have read them all), you will see some commonalities and glean some insight and wisdom for the situation you find yourself in. You won't like it, but you will learn from it. The intense pain won't stay with you forever, and a few months or years from now you will have a different perspective and may feel differently than you do now. I know it's harder because you were married and had kids together, but the wisdom remains the same. Meanwhile, try not to discolor him to your kids. Try to preserve what there is. Acknowledge his grief and that everyone handles it differently. It's like being in a fog and you can't see your way out of it. He isn't able to see from anyone else's point of view right now. Time enough for that later. Another thing that not having contact does besides preserving what little bit of love that remains is, it can give him a chance to miss you once the fog clears. That can take quite a while, so please give him time. There is no way to force him to want you in his life. Of all of the threads I've read, I only recall one making it through it intact. That doesn't mean there weren't others, but they didn't post here. As for myself, I consider my story a success because even though we did not resume our relationship as it was previously, we are very good friends and value each other. I had to give up on the idea of hoping he/the situation would change and accept things the way they were in order to progress.

You might check with Marty, let her know what state. Hospice perhaps, you could talk to the hospital where your MIL died.

(((Group hug)))

I sincerely hope you'll make an appt. with a grief counselor and soon! You might want to make a doctor's appt. too for the panic attacks, they are no fun to suffer. I wouldn't say he never loved you based on this, this is a common grief response. I do hope you'll read through the loss of love threads so you'll see how much this does happen, it's not you, not him, it's grief.

I did the same thing when grieving my husband, ended up marrying the WRONG person and have paid for it dearly (it didn't last long). Consider it a blessing in disguise. I finally learned I'm better off alone than being with the wrong person, and after the amazing husband I had in George (died 10 1/2 years ago), I figure no one else could live up to what we had so decided to go it alone. You're young though, I'm sure you'll find the right one someday...it took me a long time, but he was so worth it! Your prince is out there, keep looking and don't settle!

I am so sorry for what you are going through and facing. Yes, this is anticipatory grief, and it would benefit you greatly to see a grief counselor. Have you contacted Hospice? Being as this is what he has decided, he qualifies to have hospice care, and they would be a great benefit to you. If he balks, I hope you can get him to think of how much it would help you. They are a good resource as well as help. You're in my heartfelt prayers.

Reminds me of Skye, we caught him in some funny positions!

You're healing, little by little. It's hard to believe it's been three years! It's been 5 1/2 years since I went through it.

I hope you can do that, Anne. I've had a great time spending time with her this weekend, she's adorable. I thought she'd give me that "who are you" look, but she didn't, she took to me. She smiles and giggles a lot and is busy busy busy! I got to take care of her for a while yesterday while her parents shopped, it was nice. It's also nice being with my granddoggies. I may have to come home early today as they predict snow, grr!

Bev, I'm sorry, I know how badly it hurts...to me I lost my fiance but you and Mike had a much greater history and I know how hard that is because my world as I knew it ended when my husband died 10 1/2 years ago. I don't know if you've read any of the threads in Loss of Love Relationships section but I encourage you to do so. You are not alone in getting broken up with following partner's death of parent. I do know it's not because of anything you have said or done, it is not personal, but it sure FEELS personal and it's hard to not take it that way. You can only respect his decision for only he can find his way, esp. since he's cut you off and even some of his friends as well. He may or may not have regrets someday, but I do know this has altered him as grief does. My best advice to you is to focus on YOU, spend time with friends/family. Hopefully he won't shut himself off from his kids too. This is hard on everyone involved, and I'm just sorry this is his way of going through his grief. It's hard to understand because when I grieve, I want people there for me, yet they disappear! This is the opposite. Sometimes we don't get closure. Sometimes we don't get a part in the decision making, we don't get to voice ourselves to them, yet we have to be responsible for our own finality, without their help...and that is way harder, but it can be done, I've been there. I hope you'll feel free to continue to post as I do think it helps to voice yourself and know you're heard, and also know you are not alone.

I think I miss my mom the more time goes by, so I understand how you're feeling. It's been 1.5 years and my mom's birthday was Feb. 23rd so that stirred it up for me some more.

George, I used to be gone 10.5 hours/day but I got my dog when he was one, and am so glad I did. When I got off work, I hurried home to him and made him priority. He has a pen with a doghouse in it and he totally loves it, it is his den. Now that I'm retired, he still wants to go out to his pen, so I let him spend time out there as he desires and the rest of the time he's with me. We walk twice a day and visit a neighbor with a dog so they can hang out and play. Having a dog gives cuddle time, they're also great at picking up on our emotions and knowing just when we need that extra love or a kiss. I don't know what I'd do without him!

It's okay to mention God here, but it's not allowed to tell others what they should/shouldn't believe. The purpose of this forum is to bring healing to the grieving soul, correct me if I'm wrong, Marty.

Yes, but waiting years to see them again is very hard.